I've often wondered why I have such a phenomenal memories for things that happened long ago, things I've done and experienced, things said to me...and yet I can't remember to do tasks that need to be done without reminders LOL!
God has definitely blessed me with a strong memory and usually I think that's a good thing but this time of year those memories can evoke such strong emotions and almost be overwhelming. The start of this project to sit in my darkness and work through what I'm feeling and wrestling with as it relates to our journey came from a facebook fed memory. It was only I'd posted about 2 weeks before our TTTS diagnosis and was about wondering about the gender, yet again, of our twins. Reading it chocked me up. The emotions of that time in my life became raw again and since then I've had such vivid memories of that time in our lives.
The strongest of my memories are tied from the moments before my unofficial diagnosis up until the days after we lost Cole and I struggled to survive. They all have strong images attached to them. I can remember what I was wearing. I can picture doctors talking to me, picture what I gazed at out my window at Mt. Sinai, clearly see Geoff's face as he crumbled against the wall when we learned Cole was gone.
I have all those vivid visuals attached to my memories but I yet my mind doesn't produce images of Cole in any way except his ultrasound photos and some images from the day he was born. I think that I've worked through this enough to understand that memories with strong emotions attached to them don't fade and I think it's a bittersweet thing,
Sometimes I pray God will ease my memories and take away the pain that can come with them. He's definitely eased some of the pain and I can clearly see where this season of memories is much easier to walk through but I do still wonder and vivid imagery attached to them.
It kind of bring me back to wondering why I don't have images of Cole in my brain and heart, why I can't imagine him here. As I pray and think about it, I believe it's something God has given me to help create space between my reality and the reality of others,. If I was stuck in those places of imagining what life would look like then I would not likely be able to help others walk through their own journey. If I could imagine having him here then my heart might not be able to handle to actual images I see in the groups I support others in.
Perhaps something to keep pondering.....why does God make some things so clear in our minds and other things remain dark and imageless.
Until next time.....
No comments:
Post a Comment