Saturday, December 13, 2014

The Gift of Tears and Emotions

I have spent a lot of time in the last day or two thinking of what I should write today and so often I found myself tearing up. I quietly look away, move to a new activity, try to stop them.  Last night I composed part of this blog piece in my head while driving and couldn't stop the tears even though I tried to push them away. 
This morning, in the quiet hours of the day, I found myself remembering this day 6 years ago and wishing what was, wasn't and what wasn't, was.
I wish this day was about remembering the strong kicks I felt as I lay in bed in the early hours of that morning, so full of hope and wasn't about remembering laying their hours later sobbing curled up in a ball. 
I wish this day was about remembering the excitement of seeing both our boys on ultrasound, healthy and happy after a successful surgery and wasn't about remembering the words 'this baby doesn't have a heartbeat, I am sorry, this baby is dead'.  
I wish this day was about celebrating the miracles performed at Mt. Sinai Hospital and wasn't about preparing my heart to return there to visit and present our much loved doctor with 2 years worth of fundraising done in memory of our sweet son. 
I wish this day was about marveling at those same medical miracles as I gaze at my two perfectly healthy, mirror image twin sons playing together and wasn't full of thoughts of what would life be like if I had gotten to watch Cam and Cole grow up together.  
I wish this day could be one where I reflect on how close we came to losing them both as I think of all the memories I have of them growing up together for the last 6 years and wasn't about thinking of that day, of how it felt to learn my dreams for them were shattered just like my heart. 
I wish this day was about preparing for and enjoying a big family Christmas and wasn't about remembering that on December 13, 2008 this same large family gathering was overshadowed with sadness and shock.  
I wish this day was about joy, celebration, excitement and happiness and wasn't a day I will cry on every year for the rest of my life.

And as I thought about that and tried hard to not cry, tried to get out of bed, wipe the tears from my eyes and get on with my day I realized that this day has a gift and I need to recognize that for what it is.
Tears are a gift and tears will be something this day is about for the rest of my life. Tears show that my child made a difference. Tears show that my child has forever changed my life and will motivate me to help others matter how hard that might be some days. Tears show that I wear my heart on my sleeve...that I am open and honest about how hard this is at times, that loss, stillbirth and infant loss, are as important as any loss and should never be made to feel like they are taboo. Tears show that this happened, it's real, that I miss my son, always will and that he misses me too.
I can't stop the tears today and that is OK...I should never be expected to because Cole was, is and forever will be, my son,  a part of me that is missing and someone to never forget.
Tears keep his memory a live. Tears cleanse my heart. Tears release the sadness and questions. Tears open my heart for cleansing to continue.
Tears make me human
And so I will cry today, now as I write this and choke back sobs and allow them to stream down my face, I will cry today as I share this day with the family that was gathered together 6 years ago and have always been so supportive.  I will cry today as we do something to honour our son with our boys and maybe some of that family....write some messages on balloons and release them to send them to him in heaven. 
I will allow those tears today as a way to honour, cherish and love my son and I will know they are as much of a gift for what they do for me and maybe others too as was the life that they are shed over, the life that changed so many hearts without ever taking a breath, the life that has inspired so many awesome things in my life.

I love you so much Cole Edward Ryan Tummers and I thank you, with my tears, for giving me these memories that have motivated me to become who I am today.

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