Thursday, December 11, 2014

Gifts for Christmas Mourning - Memories

Today marks the beginning of the anniversaries in this journey we took 6 years ago.  I left for work 6 years ago today... a Thursday. I remember being so excited that morning as I hoped we'd finally learn the gender of these babes inside of me.  Little did I know that life would never ever be the same.
I decided today to spend some time sharing the memories of happy times (and yes, I will share a few of the scary ones from 6 years ago but I don't go further then this day six years ago).  Memories of those happy times have gotten me through many a tough day and I never realized how much of a gift a memory is until we took this journey.  I know I touched on this on my first day of this blogging project but the memories of my twin pregnancy overshadow my sadness...well most days.  It was such an amazing time.
On Sept 19/08 I went in for an ultrasound screen to check for any early markers for things like downs syndrome, spina bifida etc.  Expecting a simple quick ultrasound, this is what I saw instead...
TWINS!!!  How is that possible???  I have many memories from that day.  Telling my husband who couldn't stop grinning, calling my mom on her cell to tell her and her very excited response (Holy Sh*& Jod, Holy Sh*&), my dad picking me up in a bear hug and swinging me around and the many, many congrats that I got from the multiple friends I saw that weekend.
I remember telling the staff at my school and eventually telling the students there as well.  They were beyond excited.
I remember being obsessed with finding strollers, cribs, bouncy seats, swings. I also remember searching so many message boards for support...though ironically now I run these types of support groups and I know I give much more thorough advice and am much more knowledgeable...because I have to be!
Each appointment was a joy....

It was such a special time in my life.  I remember the excitement about matching outfits, about excursions with cute little matching babies.  I remember telling everyone that I was expecting twins and how excited so many people were for me.
There is nothing that can steal that excitement.  I was, am and forever will be the mother of identical twin boys.  I was given the gift of being the mom of twins!!!!
That day has some sucky memories of course... I remember laying on the ultrasound table waiting for another tech to come and take a look and thinking why are we doing this again.  They found the  membrane weeks ago, they aren't mono mono twins, we know that for sure.  And then when they were done but said they wanted to just verify that they had all the images they needed and could I just wait for abit....and wait, and wait, and wait.  It was cold in that room and I was anxious to get going.  We had a parent teacher interview for Zack and if I didn't get going soon I was going to be late. 
And then I remember Dr. Hancock coming in to the room.  He looked very serious and he pulled up a chair beside me.  I immediately said 'somethings wrong isn't it'.  He looked at me very seriously and said 'do you remember how I told you that I was not worried about you going into preterm labour  and having these babies early but that I would always be watching to make sure the babies were growing at the same rate? Well there is a problem and they aren't.' I knew the words twin to twin transfusion syndrome and I asked if it was that.  He said it appeared so and that he needed to send me to a specialist the next day in London to verify this.  He didn't have a lot more information then that but asked for my cell phone number and said he'd call once he'd heard from London. 
I remember calling Geoff, in tears, to tell him there was a problem.  And then a few minutes later I remember my cell phone ringing and it being Dr. Hancock requesting I get back to the hospital asap as I needed to meet him on labour and delivery so he could explain what was going on but that I needed to go to Toronto immediately. And then I remember bawling...sobbing out of fear for my unborn children. 
I am not going to continue with these scary memories because it doesn't do as much good as recalling these ones...
- meeting the most amazing nurses and doctors upon being admitted to Mt. Sinai
- having an ultrasound where we learned, finally, that our babies were boys
- having TTTS explained to us in such an easy to understand way and being told that we were in a great place...not just for the treatment but that our boys were only mildly affected and there was no reason to think that the surgery we would have would solve this problem and we'd be home in no time to wait for the arrival of our boys, hopefully not for another 10+ weeks
- sitting in my room with Geoff and naming these beautiful boys Cameron Ryan and Cole Gregory.... after the doctor that would save their lives.

Memories are a blessing and a gift and I am so glad they can never be taken away!

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