I had no idea what was to come, no idea what possibly could be taking so long and I wanted so bad to be able to just get up and leave that room. I wanted to ignore whatever it could be and just enjoy this moment, feeling my babies moving, knowing they were mine, knowing a miracle had happened inside of my body and I was the luckiest mom in the world. But all I could do was lay there on that bed feeling them kicking in there and try not to fear the worst.
As soon as Dr. Hancock came into the room I knew and I burst into tears. “Something is wrong with my babies isn’t it?” I managed to say through my tears. Dr. Hancock then sat down beside me and put his hand on my arm. He told me that he was afraid there could be and asked if I remembered how he had always told me that he was never worried about pre-term labour for these babes but that we would always need to monitor their growth. I said ‘Twin to Twin Transfer Syndrome right?’ and his replied “Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, and yes, it appears to be that.’ He said it didn’t look too serious he didn’t think but he needed to send me to a specialist, Dr. Gratton, at St. Joe’s in
the next day. He needed him to take a look and decide what the course of treatment would be. He assured me that I would be in good hands, that Dr. Gratton was a great guy and he would take good care of me. London
Then he asked for my cell phone number so he could call me by 4:30 to confirm what time I was to be in
the next day. I left the hospital in shock, trying hard not to cry. It just seemed too unbelievable that my sweet little babes might be in trouble. I tried to call Geoff and I know he had a hard time understanding me. I tried to explain what was going on but I was so upset that I am pretty sure he didn’t get much other than the babies were in trouble and I needed to go to London the next day. But between my tears I managed to get somewhat calm and arranged to meet him at Zack’s school for our scheduled meeting with his teacher…where he was waiting for me. London
And then I did what anyone whose just received heart wrenching news does...I called my mom. She wasn’t there and I’m sure I must have been impossible to understand as I cried on her answering machine. Then I tried my best to keep it together and so that I could drive back to home. I was so very scared for my babies. There really is nothing like the fear a mother has when the health of her children is at risk. It was like my heart was being tugged at but not yet ripped out. My breathing was rapid, my hands were shaking and I could hardly make my feet take each step that lead me to the van.
I made it 5 minutes outside of the city when my phone rang. I picked it up expecting it to be my mom but instead I heard more unsettling news. Instead of being a supportive, concerned call from my mom it was the very concerned voice of my doctor on the other end needing me to come back to the hospital to be prepped to go to that night, I needed to see a specialist there as soon as possible.
And then I felt what would become an all too familiar pain in my heart, a most unwelcome tugging and tearing. Even as I sit here writing this section of the story I am filled with emotion, tears in my eyes, my heart beating fast. These are the parts I hate remembering, the parts that contained fear and dread.
I disconnected the phone and placed my head on the steering wheel and wept. How could anything be wrong? I could feel my babies moving inside of me, I felt great. This couldn’t be happening, could it? This had to be a bad dream and I would wake up soon…right???
I called Geoff back and struggled to make myself understood. My throat was so constricted…with emotions and with fear. We agreed that he would l stop at home and grab a few things and then meet me at the hospital. I struggled to drive back to Stratford, wondering if this would be the last time I would be driving for a long time…thinking I’d be in the hospital trying to keep these babies inside for as long as possible. It was hard to see around the pools of tears in my eyes that just would not stop. I kept telling myself it was going to be ok.
But reality really hit me when I got to the hospital and spoke to Dr. Hancock. He explained that the doctors he’d spoken to in
London told him to contact Mt. Sinai in Toronto instead and that specialist,
after hearing the results of the ultrasound, said that it was imperative that
we come to Toronto right away. Dr.
Hancock said that I would likely have surgery and be in for a week or so. And then he really scared me when he told me
they would be giving me a steroid shot to strengthen premature babies’ lungs.
They only need to do this when they are worried that babies will come too
No, no, no my brain cried out… these babies don’t need this steroid, they are NOT coming soon. They can’t come soon.
I cried then and shook, my heart was breaking and my mind was racing with thoughts of these babies and the life I wanted for them. How could this be happening to me, to them, to our family???