But then nothing happened. I didn’t have any contractions and didn’t seem to lose too much more fluid. Things were stable and Cameron was growing and doing well. And so there at Mt. Sinai and eventually at St. Joe’s in London I remained. As things remained relatively stable physically, emotionally, outwardly anyway, I acted more stable as well. It was surprising how ‘ok’ I seemed to the rest of the world. I missed my boys at home terribly and I was very open about the sadness I felt about Cole at times but for the most part I kept up a pretty good face even when inside I was a mess of emotions.
We went with the NICU team not once but twice as they prepared us for what life would be like for our premature baby. There were many factors that would affect how well he did in the outside world and he was much more compromised than other babies of his gestational age because he was smaller and had endured two life threatening conditions inutero already. But we felt hopeful and calm. I felt certain that Cameron would not arrive anytime soon and, in the end, I was right.
I would love to say that things just got better and better while I ‘lounged’ in hospital, that healing and hope were found, that peace settled over our family, that we accepted this and were able to draw great strength from it. The reality was I was searching so hard for answers as to why this was happening that I was oblivious to what was happening within my heart. Moreover I was so sure I knew why it was happening that I was also oblivious to what I was doing. You see in the early days of searching for ‘why God would allow this to happen to my family’ I had come to the conclusion that it must be to get our family back on track, to bring us closer and have Geoff and I work together better as parents. So convinced was I that this was the reason for this journey that when Geoff would have stressful moments I would throw it in his face. The poor guy was at home looking after a 2 and 5 year old most of the time. He cooked for them, packed school lunches for Zack, washed all the laundry, including mine from the hospital and here I was telling him he was screwing things all up when he’d call me stressed out and sick of the kids. While I didn’t need his stress put on me, I certainly didn’t need to be such a horribly unsupportive person.
I struggled a lot of my mixed emotions and tried to write about them and, occasionally share them with those who were watching our story unfold from a blog I had set up. I found it very hard to deal with the joy and the sorrow but moreover, I had a hard time with people telling me to focus on Cameron. Here’s something I wrote about 20 days after my water broke….
Today I met with a social worker to discuss my feelings and to begin to prepare for the arrival of Cole and Cameron. It is very important for me to be prepared (for those that know me well, you know I am an obsessive planner) for their birth and to have plans in place to ensure that the things that are important to us then are taken care of. It will be a very joyous time for us all as Cameron's birth is definitely an anticipated one...all I need to do is to see how many people have visited this site, in the 2 weeks it's been going, to know how true this is. But their birth will also be a very bittersweet day for us too as it is the day of hello and goodbye for Baby Cole.
I was talking to our old minister Theresa yesterday and she and I were discussing my thoughts and feelings. We discussed what I’ve said before, that there are just some things we aren't meant to understand this side of Heaven. She totally agrees with me but says that it is a very hard concept to grasp. I followed it up with the thought that our goal in life after such a loss should always be to live our lives in such a way as to guarantee that we get to Heaven...but so many people don't get that part, we live amongst so many hypocrites!!!
I am often told that God has a job for someone that he brings to heaven, especially before their time. I'm not sure I always believe that God needed that young person or even my baby Cole in Heaven...but just that he had room for them there and opened his arms to them to welcome them home....and tried his best to open our eyes and our hearts to his love and his plan so that we could live a better life here on earth. Don't get me wrong, I do believe he has important jobs for those angels but I don't think he decides on the day that child is conceived that he will take them back home at a certain time. Sometimes bad things just happen, things that are out of his control...especially out in the world of man....but knowing that He is there for us in our pain, our grief, or time of loss/being lost is the most important gift you can give yourself.
I actually just came across this as I prepared for this post and, quite honestly, was blown away. I guess that I’ve always felt that I was so far away from God in the most intense parts of our journey, that I wasn’t focused on anything but the situation. I honestly don’t remember my faith being so deep and I really did think that my beliefs bout God’s purpose and plan, as mentioned above, were something that came about after I consciously gave my heart to Jesus. But I realize now that the Holy Spirit was in me, speaking through me, each and every step of the way and that I was a lot closer to where my faith is now than I realized.