Tuesday, December 13, 2016

And a story of honesty

So this day is here. The day I dread each year, the day I wish we didn't have to honour.
Each year I get up early so I can spend time in sadness by myself. Most times I go for a walk (an injury 7 months ago prevents that this year) and all times I remember...and I cry.
Today I came out to the living room to find a sleeping Cameron on the couch. Within a few minutes of me settling into a comfy chair to read over the previous post he woke and came to curl up in my lap and give me snuggles. I kept it together, I hate losing it emotionally in front of the boys, and convinced him to go back to sleep on the couch.
I've never spent the remembering moments of December 13th, the moments of heartwrenching sadness, with anyone in the room. Seeing his sweet face each time I looked up from reading the previous post was so hard. It reminded me all over again what I have lost.
The emotional response to reading my blog post had an intensity that shocked me. I feel like nothing has changed, that I am just as heartbroken now as I was 8 years ago. And the truth is, I am. Oh I put on a good front most of the time but deep inside my heart I know the truth...this wound is so deep it will never heal.
And really, why should it. So much was lost that day and despite the fact that so much has been gained since then, despite the fact I know I am in a much better place in so many ways because we lost Cole, it still hurts, I still feel heartbroken, I still ache to feel my son in my arms and to have my family complete.
Each year I think I'll get stronger. Each year I think it won't rock me to the core. Each year I am wrong. In all honesty I think it gets worse each year...the farther away from it I get, the more I realize how much I miss him.
I suspect the reason it's so much harder on this day each year is because the rest of the year (well most of it) gets easier. As I see more and more growth, more and more positive change in me because of the loss of Cole not in spite of it, the easier each day seems to be...except this one.
And I think that is exactly as it should be... one day a year (well maybe a bit more) of intense sadness for a remainder the year of joy, peace and hope.
I love you Cole Edward Ryan Tummers... yesterday, today, tomorrow and always.

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