Sunday, December 8, 2013

Peace in this week of remembrance

Hmmmm.... how did peace fall on this week?  Two years ago when I did this same project the themes went Hope, Love, Joy, Peace AND the anniversary of the worst day of my life fell in the third week.  Gee... let's celebrate Joy at a time when I felt none, when I thought there was absolutely nothing to be joyful about or rather no joy I wanted to talk about.  But I did it, I found things to write about, found joy to share.
And now this year, after pulling the theme list from some random Christian website, I have changed the order and this craptastic week of memories falls on the week of Peace.
Ironically that was why I started this project 2 years ago in the first find some peace in the days that are so hard. And it worked then, just as I think it will work this year...I just have no idea how to express where I have found peace or to even think today what I can possibly say about peace on Friday.
Peace has a lot of meanings....
noun: peace; noun: the peace
  1. 1.
    freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility.
    "you can while away an hour or two in peace and seclusion"

    • mental calm; serenity.
      "the peace of mind this insurance gives you"

  2. 2.
    freedom from or the cessation of war or violence.
    "the Straits were to be open to warships in time of peace"

    • a period of this.
      "the peace didn't last"
    • a treaty agreeing to the cessation of war between warring states.
      "support for a negotiated peace"

    • freedom from civil disorder.
      "police action to restore peace"

    • freedom from dispute or dissension between individuals or groups.
      "the 8.8 percent offer that promises peace with the board"
  3. exclamation
exclamation: peace
  1. 1.
    used as a greeting.
  2. 2.
    used as an order to remain silent.

I am not even sure which is the best to describe peace when it comes to the loss of a loved one, especially a child.  It is the mental calm you seek but it's not necessarily serenity.  As a matter of fact, many days all I want is to NOT have serenity, not have a mental calmness.  I wish, with all my heart at times, that I was at my wits end like many of my twim mommy friends, most especially Cole's namesake, Noah Cole Sawyer's mom Tara is with her twin boys, striving to find my sanity after a day with twin 4 year old antics.  I guess the same would be said for the freedom from disturbance, quiet and tranquility...though that it was I seek around here a lot with my 3 wild boys, I wish, often, that it was 4 wild boys and most especially two wild boys in matching pj's that I can't wait to put to bed so I would get some 'peace and quiet'.
And though the other meaning of peace doesn't really apply either, the meaning that deals with war, with political peace, with 'getting along, it does have some application to the peace you seek after loss too.  Inside a grieving mother there is a war going on.  Sometimes it's a war of emotions, when joy fights to overcome sorrow, which then causes guilt to try to overcome happiness.  I think this is a war that is fought between the enemy and the Lord inside of us at times.  The enemy wants nothing more then to steal our inner peace and our joy.  And as a grieving mother all I wanted to do so often was scream 'SILENCE'  to all that inner turmoil...just as the definition of peace is given in the exclamation form.
As I explore what peace after loss looks like for me and share how it has happened in my life this week I think I will have a better grasp of how to define peace when it comes to loss but for now I will say this.
It is all these things above and more.  It is calming your mind mentally and finding a place where the voices of doubt, of anger, of disbelieve, of guilt, of jealousy, of bitterness and most of all, of sadness,  stop being the voices you speak almost all the time.  And it is a ceasing of the inner wars that these voices create.  It is silence you seek. It is the end of the disturbance you seek. It is the end of inner war.  But most of all it is some sort of acceptance.  At least for me.  It's not the obvious 'I accept that my child is dead' type of acceptance.  That was hard enough to swallow in the first few days and weeks after that awful ultrasound.  But that is part of the stages of grieving...where you deny that it's even happened.  No, I mean the acceptance that this is the life that you have been given and it's for a greater reason then you could ever imagine...and it's ok, it's's beyond,'s the most amazing life in spite of the fact that your child is not living on earth with you and maybe even that it's the most amazing life BECAUSE of the fact that your child is not not living on earth with you.
That one is hard to swallow at times...but I'll get to that later this week.
Thanks again for joining me on this week. And I thank you all ahead of time for the support you will offer me this week.  It will have it's tough moments...I am teary right now, feeling the lumps in my throat and the ache in my heart that this week always brings me. I wish, so much at times that I didn't have to have this project to do, that I was too busy chasing my crazy twins to have time for this.  But this is my life and getting through this week each year is part of it and part of who I am.  So thanks....for being here, being there wherever that is, for your support, your comments, your love, your laughter, your hugs, your smiles and most of all for just being a part of this journey that is my life.

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