Thursday, December 13, 2018

10 Years in Heaven


This morning is hard, so freaking hard.  I want to put the words of my heart on here but I'm honestly such a mess that I don't think any of them will make sense.  I can hardly see through my tears and my mind is everywhere. It's full of memories of what we had for 23 weeks, memories of those awful moments of learning our sweet son didn't have a heartbeat and it's full of memories that we haven't had for 10 years. TEN YEARS!!!! I'm not going to lie to you, this year is brutal and I feel like my heart is broken all over again.
But then again does a broken heart ever truly mend?  Can you ever put together a heart that shatters when you loose a child?  In my 10 year experience, no. But then again why would you want it to fully heal?  Or maybe the question is what does a fully healed heart really look like?  The scars, the bumps and the bruises mine had taken since I learned Cole was gone are forever a part of me and I don't want them to go away.  If they go away then my connection to him goes away too.
And so I sit here thinking about all that 10 years has brought me and I let the tears flow. Tears of sadness for myself for not having his hugs and kisses, his questions and answers, his laughter and jokes, his wiggles and noise (those who know Cameron well often joke about what this would like...two Cameron's is pretty intense), not getting to be that 'twin mom', not experiencing so many things with him. Tears of sadness for Geoff, Zack and Brycen for all they missed out on having one more boy here. One more for playing games, having nerf wars, playing road hockey, going fishing, building and fixing together, play fighting.... so many things lost out on.  But mostly I have tears for Cameron and all he's missed by not having his best friend here. Having an identical twin is the coolest thing I can imagine for a kid...and my kids missed out on that experience.
I know this day will never be easy and each year I marvel and how brutally awful it is.  And then I sit back and realize I wouldn't want it any other way. The more years that pass, the further I am from the times I had with my son and that hurts in a way that only a parent who has lost a child can understand. But at the same time, the more years that pass, the closer I get to being reunited with him....and what a glorious reunion that will be. Right from the start, from within days of losing Cole, I realized how lucky I was that when I got to heaven I would not only be reunited with him but I would know exactly who he was (a bit silly since of course a mom would know their child) and would have a lifetime of earthly memories that connected with the face in front of me that I was finally seeing after all these years and yet have seen all of my life as I raised his twin brother. 

And so now I am left with the final task of writing to my son in heaven and telling him just what he and this day mean to me....

My dearest son Cole;

Today is a big deal sweet son of mine.  It's a really big deal to your mom, most especially to your mom's heart.  It marks a decade that you've been away from us. A decade that you've been in heaven.  A decade of growing up.  A decade of being away from your identical twin.  A decade of us having no memories of you.  A decade of missing you, of loving your presence without ever getting to hold and hug you, a decade of missed laughter, memories and moments and decade of tears. Ten is such a big deal around here. Ten is when you can finally stay home alone for short periods of time. Ten is when you can cross the highway and play 'on the other side of town' without an adult or older sibling (though your twin has pushed that one up 6 months or so and I'm sure you two together would have convinced me you could do it at 8!).  Ten is a generation in the eyes of many so basically you've missed a generation of people being born.
Ten.
Ten.
Ten.
Oh how I hate this day and all it means. Ten years without you is just brutal. I don't want to celebrate this day because how can I ever celebrate the 10th anniversary of the worst day of my life. Nothing about that day gets 'easier' and reliving it hurts like heck. But I can't not relive it because reliving it reminds me of you and how much you were and are loved. Reliving it reminds me of how much you were wanted and needed here, how much you are missed and loved. Reliving it reminds me that a piece of my heart lives in heaven and though it was never 'supposed to be this way', it is my reality and I have to find a way to co-exist with that reality. 
And I hope I have. I hope I have done a good job of living with you here in my heart and not in my arms. I hope I have brought your spirit here and lived it for you.  I have tried to walk the steps you didn't get to with dignity and grace, with purpose and energy.  I want you to know that you have made such a difference here on earth, have impacted so many lives and helped so many people...all through the life you gave to me when you left this earth. I hope I've done it well, I hope....
Well I hope you know how missed you are and how much we wish things could be different.  At the same time I hope you know that we will never let your memory fade, that we will do what we can to honour you, to build a legacy in your name.
I hope you know how much I love you. Yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever you are loved, you are missed and you are honoured.

Love you so much sweet son of mine,

Mommy

No comments:

Post a Comment