This morning I went out for a walk for the first time in a few weeks. Usually I listen to worship music but this morning I decided to listen to Christmas music. I found myself admiring the beautiful Christmas lights while I listen to O Holy Night and Silent Night. My heart was filled with joy at the excitement of Christmas almost being here.
But then, suddenly, I found myself with tears streaming down my face as I walk the streets of town. I thought about Cole and I thought about our journey. I thought about this week and where we're at and I just couldn't believe how suddenly sad I felt. I don't understand how I can feel so happy and so sad in the same moment. I don't understand how I can feel so excited and so upset at the same time. I just don't understand myself this week.
Seven years ago about today, or so the doctors figure, twin to twin transfusion syndrome began in my body. They know that it was around this time because Cole only had eight centimeter pockets of fluid and the boys were about the same size. Normally in twin to twin you see one big baby and one small baby you see one with a lot of fluid well above 8 centimeters and one with none. Eight centimeters is the minimum fluid amount needed by a recipient to even be considered TTTS.
Because we only had eight centimeters the doctors were very sure that it is only been happening for 3 days at best that puts us to seven years ago today. Seven years ago today my body started dysfunctioning on me. Seven years ago today an onslaught happened to my body that eventually stole my child from me. I hate it ithat it still makes me so angry because I also know that it led me to become who I am today. How can these emotions to be all twisted up together? How can I feel so many conflicting emotions at the same time?
I love Christmas, I always have, but I find myself not even wanting to celebrate sometimes. I don't want to be joyful when my heart is so sad. I don't want to be happy when I'm so angry.
I prayed this morning for God to help me to get through the next few days without so many mixed up emotions but I think he's trying to tell me that the mix of emotions are oka. That it's part of who I am and part of what this journey is about. Learning to be the new me has taken me, well 7 years, and I'm not done yet. I am nowhere near done yet. But then again maybe I won't be done until I get to the other side. When I hold Cole in my arms again and I see his beautiful face then I will be done. Then it all makes sense. Until then I guess I need to accept that mixed up emotions are part of who I am.
Pray for me please friends. I fear sometimes that I'll cry in front of the wrong person. I know it's a silly fear but its one that eats at me at times too. I never know what people will think of where I am 7 years later...
Thanks for reading.