This morning I set my alarm with the intent of getting up and going for a morning walk and a mourning walk. I am sad, today is a sad day, let's get that part out of the way. I planned to come back and put some thoughts on paper and then prepare for my day...simple right???
But instead I woke feeling no desire to go anywhere and just wanted to remember and cry. And so I have been. Remembering those moments 7 years ago when my world changed. Remembering how I woke up that morning so full of optimism. I woke to kicks from Cole. I know I did. I know he was alive when I woke up. I know he greeted the day with me that day. I am guessing he took that moment to say goodbye and left left us forever. Gone. Before he ever took a breath. Gone. Forever.
And yet not gone. He left behind a perfect memory who looks just like him and he left behind a legacy.
In looking for some inspiration for something to write today I came across this quote from a book called The Thing About Forever by Sarah Dessen. I think it's a book I need to read....
“That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again, that shocking.”
― Sarah Dessen,
And that truly is it. You never get used to it. This year has been exceptionally hard for me in this way. I think I thought I would be more used to it by now. That the pain would lessen. The gut wrenching feeling when I think of those days 7 years ago would be lessened, maybe even gone. That I would be more used to the emotions that come about this time of year. That I would miss him less, remember him and this day with a greater sense of peace. That I would just be 'used to' him being gone. But that 's not happening. Today I feel like it's December 13, 2008 all over again. Like I'm hearing those words "I'm sorry this baby is dead. This baby has no heartbeat" all over again. And I'm weeping all over again.
I feel like I haven't reconciled it. I haven't accepted it. I am experiencing it all over again and it is shocking.
I miss my son, I miss the joys of expecting twins. I miss the anticipation of the memories I thought I would be building over the last 7 years. I miss you so much Cole.
Now don't get me wrong. We have built some amazing memories over the last 7 years that would not have been possible if this day had not happened. I am so very proud of the things that we have done in the last 7 years to honour this little boy who left us so soon. I have built a legacy that I am proud of. I know I've changed the lives of others because of the change Cole made in me.
And maybe, 360 or so days of the year, that makes it easier. But this time of year, today especially, it doesn't make it easier and it doesn't lessen the pain.
The Thing About Forever is that it's....Forever.
Forever my heart will ache on this day.
Forever my heart will break again on this day.
Forever I will cry on this day.
Forever I will wish things were different on this day.
Forever I will remember every minute of this day.
And Forever I will miss all that should have been on this day.
In my search for inspiration I also found this from the same book....
“Some people, they can't just move on, you know, mourn and cry and be done with it. Or at least seem to be. But for me... I don't know. I didn't want to fix it, to forget. It wasn't something that was broken. It's just...something that happened. And like that hole, I'm just finding ways, every day, of working around it. Respecting and remembering and getting on at the same time. ”
― Sarah Dessen,
And I guess that is the thing. Some people can move on and be done with it. Some people think I should do this. Some people wonder how I can dwell on this so much 7 years later. Almost all of those people have never been through anything like this and they don't get that each and every day when you've lost an identical twin your loss slaps you upside the head. It doesn't EVER go away....and that's ok....it really is. Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all right? Right? RIGHT!!!! It really is right. It is ok that each day Cameron reminds me of my loss, of our family's loss. Because without that constant reminder we would have nothing. And Sarah Dessen is so right. I don't want to fix this pain, to fix it and forget it. It's not broken so it can't be fixed. My heart might be broken but my life without my son isn't something that is and so it can't be fixed.
It's just something that happened and it is a hole in my life that will be there forever. It can be filled with love, with joy, with memories, with legacies, with tributes, with honour and even with peace. But it will never be completely filled over and it will be something I work around forever. This hole must be respected and remembered because it existed.
He is my son and he exists and I will never stop....
Never stop loving him.
Never stop missing him.
The Thing About Forever is it never stops.
The Thing about my love is it never stops.
The Thing about Forever....
I miss you Cole Edward Ryan Tummers and this day is yours....Forever.....