On the eve of the second anniversary of one of the most bittersweet days of my life I wanted to blog my thoughts on this day, on my state of mind, on where I am at. I guess I could wait till tomorrow but tomorrow will be filled with activities, outings (hockey) and the excitement of a little miracle turning two.
This day holds such special memories for me of both of my twin sons. It was a day of joy and happiness and a day of deep sorrow. It was a beginning and it was an end. If anyone had told me then and most especially 2 years and 11 weeks ago that I would be in the place I am, in the frame of mind I am, feeling as positive and blessed by the passing of Cole, I would have thought them crazy.
But here I sit, here I ponder where two years has brought me.
I am reading Margaret Trudeau's book Changing My Mind right now and have just, ironically, begun reading the chapter on the death of her son Michel. His death triggered a deep depression and she struggled to find her way in the world. But she wrote this poem for him and it really struck a cord in me...
Sweep, sweep, dear Mama, for your work is not yet done.
Sweep and weep, dear Mama,
For your lost young son
Mama, your day has not yet come,
Sweep and weep, Mama, for your dead son.
My depression has never been deep and dark like Margaret's but I think sometimes it has been hard to remember that my work is not done yet. There is so much that my twins have guided me to do already and so much more that their lives will bring me to in the future.
Cole and Cameron's life, from the beginning, was one of two. Two little beings, conceived together, growing together and born together. They have both shown me so much about life, so much about myself.
Cameron has taught me about miracles, about baby steps and milestones, about laughter, energy, intensity and love.
Cole has taught me that sadness is okay, tears are fine, communication is a gift. His life and his life beyond death have proven to me that there is great purpose in every life, in every moment, in every tear.
From them both I have learned about compassion, empathy, understanding, kindness, determination and love.
I will always miss my son. I will cry, I will be sad and I will ask why. But I am coming to accept it, to appreciate it. Maybe that seems to strange to some people, it seems strange to me sometimes. I am a different person than I was 2.5 years ago, I am a different person than I was 2 years ago too. I have moments where I miss the person I was then but I have many more moments that I love who I am becoming.
And so this day, though filled with the memories of the moments that I said hello and goodbye to Cole is about celebration... celebrating the amazing gifts that I have been given, celebrating this amazing little boy who defied the odds, who overcame so much and who brings us so much joy each day and celebrating the amazing little boy who watches over us from Heaven and inspires me to be all that I can be.
Today you are two... you will always be two, my dear sons, always a pair, always brothers, always twins... so let's celebrate TWO!
Happy Birthday Cameron and Cole!