I’ve been struggling lately with my grief and with sadness. I know that, as the days draw closer and closer to Christmas, as we begin to make lists, shop, plan gatherings….all those things bring us closer and closer to December…a month that I think part of me will hate (oh how I dread using that word) forever.
I’ve been chatting with another TTTS mom a lot lately…well texting would be more like it. She is actually the first TTTS mom that I know I will meet…she lives an hour and a half from me, only 30 minutes from where I work. We had the same medical team, delivered at the same hospital and sadly, like me, she lost her angel before she was able to see his beautiful face.
In the course of our messages I have been sharing some things that have been shared with me and also about why I am feeling so sad lately.
The recent sadness seems to come from memories. I remembered on the weekend about the excitement of the Halloween when I was pregnant with Cole and Cameron. How I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to go with the boys to trick or treat…I handed out candy and then sat with the neighbor and chatted about twins and pregnancy…her daughter has identical twin daughters. I remember thinking about Halloween costumes in the future. I think the biggest thing is that about 2 years ago I finally started feeling excited and so content with what was going to be our ‘twin’ life. I came across my request for medical leave letter that I sent to my principal (a formality) the other day…another moment of heartache and reminders. Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off, not think of those things, not make myself feel sad. But really, in all honesty, I love that I can, love that I have those memories, love that I find those reminders…they are all that I have of Cole….memories.
So in chatting with this new friend about our sons, especially those in Heaven, I have been talking about something that was once shared with me about grief and most especially about loss of a child.
Understand your loss is a huge wound right now but it will heal... it might be red and ugly and painful at first but over time it starts to fade and smooth out and become less painful but it leaves a scar that never goes away and forever changes you and it is up to you how it will change you. You will always be the mother of twins.
For me I have taken this to mean that my wound, now, has healed over a lot. It is still very visible but isn’t always so painful. I also know that sometimes it takes nothing more than a slight bump, scrap or twist and my scar opens up again….never to the open wound it once was but still to a weeping, painful and red sore. Thankfully it never takes as long to heal over again.
In looking online for the quote (which I actually found in a message my friend Tammy from Fetal Hope posted to another mom) I came across this…
In Revelation 12:11, John wrote, “They overcame him (Satan) by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony.” Our personal stories, like the blood of the Lamb, have incredible power.
Perhaps you’ve never thought of the wounds in your life as potential treasures. I encourage you to dig a little deeper, push aside the dirt, and discover the jewels that lie beneath the surface. Like sparkling diamonds, glistening rubies, and shimmering emeralds, our scars are beautiful to God. They help others see Jesus in us.
Scars? We’ve all got them. It’s how we view them that will change our hearts. It’s what we choose to do with them that can change the world.
And WOW…I just marveled at that. That by sharing my scar with others, by telling others about my journey with Cole and Cameron and how that has brought me closer to God, I can help overcome Satan, I can help to change the world for someone… I can make a difference in the world.
God does think this scar is beautiful, He knows what it has brought me…the pain, the heartache, the confusion, the sadness, the isolation….and the Hope, the Joy, the Peace, the knowledge, the acceptance, the compassion, the empathy and the Love. He knows that some days are hard, He knows that I don’t understand or always accept, He knows I get angry. But He also knows that if He brought me to it, He’ll bring me through it.
I think I most wanted to share this with you all, both those readers of my blog who’ve lost a child or children, a twin or twins and those who haven’t because for those that have, it’s a great analogy and may be something you very much identify with. But for those who haven’t been in my shoes, in our shoes, I hope that you can understand my scar, appreciate my scar and help me to bandage it up and care for it when it opens up occasionally….I’d really appreciate it!