Who You'd Be Today...Who I'd be Today

Today is the 13th birthday of an online friend's twin boys.  Only instead of celebrating with 'sweaty, fighting, confident, scrawny teenage boys' she went to the cemetery.  Instead of their whole family celebrating these boys becoming teenagers together, her ex-husband went to the cemetery himself and she and a friend are taking her girls.  

She wrote about how much life changed because of the hand they were dealt 13 years ago today.  She wrote about about how much things changed for the worst 13 years ago today.  She talked about how much things have changed and how much courage she has now after living life after loss.  And she wrote about how different she is now, how life before and life after are just so different.  

And as I read her post this song popped into my head.....

I've thought of this song often over the years because I do often wonder 'who' Cole would be today. We all do.  We talk about it sometimes.  Would he be talkative, loud and energetic like Cam or would he be more reserved.  Would he live life as big as Cam or would he take a back seat to Cam's antics and sometimes dramatics?  Maybe he'd be a deep thinker and feeler like Brycen.  Maybe he'd have a rebellious streak like Zack.  Who knows?  I could spend a life time feeling wishful and wanting to know....but I turned most of that area of my brain off years ago.  It just hurts too much to think of that sometimes but more than that, it doesn't do justice to the boy that Cole did become...the one who inspires passion, dedication, caring and a supportive nature in the family he left behind.  

But that doesn't mean that songs like this don't cut deep.... read the words and think about someone you've lost far too early... 

Who You'd be Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
I still can't believe you're gone

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
I know it might sound crazy

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Today, today, today
Today, today, today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

Someday, someday

It's impossible not to feel some pain.  

But now I want you read those lyrics again and think of yourself, the person who loved and forever lost a part of their heart when their loved one left them far too soon.  

Do you wonder who you'd be today if it hadn't happened? 

I know I do.  Often. in difficult moments, I wish the old me could come back.  The old me who was more innocent, less passionate, who wore her heart on her sleeve less.  The old me who thought the friendships she valued would be there for life, the girl who thought she'd experienced the worst life had to offer when she lost her boyfriend to cancer, said goodbye to a special friend who died in a car accident, helped a special family she worked for say goodbye to their very special little boy.  The old me who didn't get triggered by a variety of images, memories, smells, sounds and words.  

I wonder who I'd be today more often than I want to admit.  Sometimes it's with a sad heart when I think of all that got lost on that fateful day, of the girl who got left behind.  I wonder about friendships that didn't survive the loss. Of a marriage that has never been the same.  Of goals and plans that never got realized when priorities suddenly changed.

But then I also wonder if I would be who I am today, the person I am actually sometimes proud of, if my heart hadn't shattered that day.  If I hadn't had to pick up the pieces of that broken heart and try to figure out how they could fit back together with a big piece missing, would I have appreciated my kids as much as I do and valued their uniqueness?  Would I have found a way to put the feelings that come with loss on paper and been able to offer them as a comfort to others?  Would I have a passion for helping others, would I care so much, invest so much of myself in being there for people I've never even met?  I wonder if I would have ever gained the knowledge base about babies, pregnancy, complications, procedures, ultrasounds, doctors and clinics etc

Death tore the pages of life as I knew it away and, while I sometimes miss who I was, I love who I am.  I live for the hope that salvation gives me, the knowledge that I'll see my son again in heaven.  Maybe the old me will be found there too and then I'll be fully complete and whole. But since I don't know someday will be I will, instead, live for today and make the very best of what I have been given.