Inspirations and Legacies

About a week ago my extended family lost one their own in a tragic and unbelievable accident.  This second cousin of mine, Amy, was a few years younger than me and grew up on the farm next door.  In a community as small as the one I grew up in, it was inevitable that you had cousins in your class, cousins on your bus, cousins in your church, cousins on your sports team....cousins everywhere.  
But given I left that community over 25 years ago, it's also inevitable that you don't speak to most of these second cousins for years and years.  And while I did see many of them a few weeks ago at our town's homecoming reunion that happens every 10 years, I didn't actually talk to anyone from this branch of the family.  But that doesn't mean we don't stay somewhat connected (thank you facebook) nor does it mean my heart doesn't hurt for all of them...her kids and husband, her parents, her siblings and all her aunts, uncles, cousins and her grandma....the last matriarch in that generation of the family tree. 


I found out she passed when I saw this photo posted by her sister  and then read all the comments of condolences, and, well, shock.  No quote could be more fitting to this situation than this one.  No one could have ever predicted this happening but something I heard yesterday when I went to her visitation made me wonder if maybe she did sense life was about to change.  
 You see her dad made a point of sharing with me and my parents that just two days prior to her death she had a deep and spiritual conversation with him.  She told him that she had such a sense of peace and contentment in her life right now.  She told him that she didn't go to church often any more but that almost every Sunday morning she would go for a run or a walk and she'd talk to God. She said she felt like her life was exactly where God wanted it to be right now and she was so content with everything, so at peace.  His eyes met mine as he said that and I was filled with such a sense of peace too.  But more than that, I was filled with words to share.  I shared with him that I felt God gave her that moment with him and that those were the words he needed to hear and the memory God wanted him to have at that moment.  He had no idea that he didn't have much time left with this oldest daughter of his but in that moment he was given such a gift from her.  
And as I shared those words with him it became my turn to give him a hug and offer my words of condolences.  I found myself overcome with tears as I hugged this dad who was missing his child so much but I had no idea that I was about to be moved to tears even further.  Her dad stepped back slightly from me and looked me in the eyes and he said "Don't stop doing what you do for others.  Don't stop sharing your heart.  Don't stop helping other people the way you do.  I read everything you share online and how much you put your heart out there.  Don't stop that.  People need it, need you, more than you know."  
Wow.  Just wow.  
He went to tell me that so many people had shared with him the impact his daughter had on their lives and he was sure she had no idea what an inspiration she was. She changed lives by sharing boldly and by helping others and he told me that I do this too. He reminded me again to not stop being me, to not stop sharing what's on my heart because I just don't know who needs to hear it. 
It made me realize that we just don't know.  We don't how much we are impacting others. We don't know who hears our words or reads our thoughts.  We don't realize that so much of what do in life impacts others in ways we may never hear about.  I don't think when I write a message of support or write a blog post of the impact it may have.  I may do it to help other people sometimes but often I just start writing, like I am today, without any real thoughts on who will read it, where I am heading with it or what people might think of what I am saying.  Sometimes I write to support others.  Sometimes I write to offer others who might be walking a similar path some words they can relate to or, even better yet, share to help people in their own life understand them better.  Much of the time I start with a tiny idea that seems to explode, often in a direction that I wasn't even planning.  Someone once told me that God is using me, that the Holy Spirit is speaking through me.  That's pretty cool. And it makes me realize that my cousin's dad (guess that makes him my cousin too) is right.  I can't stop sharing because it's what I'm supposed to do. And I can't stop because I don't know how long I have left in my life to do this.  
We don't know how much time we have on this earth.  As Dean Brody says (check out the end of this blog for his song....speaks volumes, trust me) ' The trouble is you think you have time.  You think tomorrows always coming down the line. And then one day you wake up and you find the trouble is you thought you had time'
We always think we have time to do this 'one thing', that we can get to it tomorrow.  But Amy didn't get a tomorrow and maybe I won't either.  Maybe this is all the life I've got.  Amy's brother in law, who I've known since I was a little kid, made a comment yesterday that he didn't think he'd have many people come to say goodbye, many people who would miss him.  He said he didn't think he'd made much of impact on the world but that Amy sure had.  I have no idea if he's right but I think not.  I think many of us might be amazed by the impact we've had on others.  I was sure taken by surprise yesterday.  
And I guess that's where my title of this blog comes in. We don't know who we inspire and we don't know the legacy we'll leave behind.  And that's ok...I don't really think we're supposed to know that.  We just need to live our lives to the fullest, share our lives with others, share our hearts with others.  And what we need to make sure we do while we are on this earth is to cherish those who've inspired us and whose legacy we are a part of.  
Sometimes those who inspire us, whose legacies we transpire to fulfill weren't even a part of our earthly lives for long or perhaps weren't even someone we lived life with in a physical way but rather their footprints were left on our hearts in some way by their spiritual presence.  For me there are many people who inspire me and a few legacies I want to ensure are as valued to others as they are to me. 
Of no surprise to anyone, my son Cole has inspired me in ways I could have never imagined and left a legacy behind that I vow to fulfill for the rest of my life.  
And since we never know how much time we have left to live a legacy, to be inspired, to leave a legacy and inspire others then I just will promise to not stop doing what I'm doing ,to use the gifts God gave me and be all that I can be.  

Thankful for the Scars

I have a scar. I have a scar that means so much to me. It is a scar that I've had for a long time, a scar so faded that sometimes I can hardly find it. But this scar is so tied to some other scars that no matter how much it fades, I'll always know it's there. The other scars, the ones that it's tied to, they're on my heart. And they are scars that will be with me forever. And for that I am thankful.

I came across this song a few months ago and downloaded it. I listened to it a few times without really reflecting on the words at all. And then a few weeks ago, while out for a walk of solitude, reflection and worship; my God time; the words completely resonated with me and stirred this blog post in my heart.

Have a listen. Read the words. Let them resonate with you too. 

"Scars"
Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn't trade it for anything
Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You'll use

So I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Now I'm standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I'm not who I was before
No, I don't have to fear anymore

So I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory

I'm thankful for Your scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart
And with my life I'll tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful

My physical scar is located on the side of my abdomen and is the spot that marks where life changed forever for me. It is the spot where are hero, Dr. Ryan, entered my womb to save the life of my children. And it truly is very difficult to find now. I've lost and gained so much weight over the years that I have a lot of stretch marks and it blends in very nicely. 

But I can always find it, I can always feel it. And that's because it's so closely tied to the scars that are on my heart. Those scars were formed the day I learned that Cole was no longer with us. My heart shattered that day and I didn't know if it would ever be put back together again. 

Over time it has slowly healed, slowly mended. But as with any injury, any serious injury that is, there's always a scar.

And my scars, well they tell a story. A story of heartache, of hurt, of sadness, of some deceit and mistrust, and of what it took to put it all back together. The story of who it took to put it all back together. They tell the story of my Redemption, my salvation.

I'm not sure that is what this song I would say to other people. I think that the artist was really talking more about the scars of Jesus not the scars of the person singing or listening to the song. But for me, while I am very grateful for those scars too, I am just as grateful, maybe even more grateful, for my own scars.

It was my scars that led me to search for answers. And as I wrote earlier this week, the answers aren't really important, but searching for them leads you to the what. The what does Jesus want me to do, the what is the purpose of my life, the what can I take from this journey and make it something miraculous.

And so my scars led me to that. They took me on a journey to find my way to some sort of redemption. I'm thankful, as hard as it is to say that, as much as it brings me to tears as I write this, I am thankful for the loss of my child. Without that loss I don't know that it ever would have found Jesus the way I have. I don't know that it ever would have meant what it does now, if life would have ever had the purpose it has now. If I ever could've even begun to grasp what Jesus came to this earth to do, ever could have understood the little bit that I actually understand.

And the thing is, that it is a really hard thing to come to, being thankful for that particular scar. It is really hard to be grateful for the loss of your child. And as I write this I'm weepy because it's such a hard place to be in. How do you come to terms with the fact that it's a good thing, a redemptive thing, to have lost a child? And yeah, I'm not going to lie, I don't always feel that. I'm not always able to put myself in the place of gratitude for the fact that my child is not growing up here with me, alongside his twin brother, alongside his older brothers, in my house, with my husband and I. Sometimes, that's a really not okay.

But most of the time, I can look at it as a blessing, I can see it with a thankful heart. My scars, the scars that I'm grateful for, they led me to find greater purpose in life. 'I wouldn't trade them for anything cause my brokenness brought me to Jesus and these wounds are a story he'll use.'

My scars led me to look into what I could use the gifts that God gave me for. My scars brought me to a place where I sought out other people who understood. And then I sought out other people who needed to understand, who needed to know that people out there understood. It led me to look into what information was out there, what could I learn about all that it happened to us, how could I use that to help someone else.

But maybe more than that, my scars led me to just be thankful. Be thankful for everything we have, the blessings there is in my life that I live here on Earth. My scars led me to love deeper, to live life fuller, to appreciate, give, to have, to hold, to be present in this life. I'm thankful for the scars for without them I don't know who I would be. I'm thankful for the scars for without them I would not know Jesus. I'm thankful for the scars for without them I would not know who Cole is, I would not know his heart. I'm thankful for my scars because without my scars I would be without Cole and I would be without Cameron.

I'm thankful for Cole's scars too. His scars are as a deeply a part of me, of my heart, as my own. They are what ties me to him. His damaged heart that never received physical scars of healing will forever have spiritual scars of divine healing. His heart surely has scars of his own desire to have been able to grow up here with us family and how his energy left him to dwell in us so that he could. His scars are the kind that make your heart beat faster, your senses to tingle at times when you reflect on the journey that has happened because he existed, because he moved people to do things in his honour. 'I'm thankful for his scars 'cause without them I wouldn't know his heart and with my life I'll tell of who he is....So forever I am thankful'
That scar, that faded one on my abdomen... yeah I'm very thankful for it and I'm very thankful for what it ties to on my heart.

Caught Up in the Why

We often miss out on the amazingness of God because we're caught up in the why. We're stuck trying to figure out why something happened...did we do something to deserve this, is there a plan in this, who made the mistake that brought this etc. In the head spinning that we're doing trying to sort it out, as often miss the other miracles happening, we often miss what we could do with what we know and understand now.

I don't think this is any more or less applicable then when a parent loses a child.

I heard a 'sermon' (what an antiquated word) last month that really made me ponder this so I'm going to expand on the 'sermon notes' and explore it through the lens of a loss parent, specifically a parent who lost a twin.

In John 9 we read the story of a blind man who meets Jesus.

John 9:1‭-‬2 MSG
Walking down the street, Jesus saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked, “Rabbi, who sinned: this man or his parents, causing him to be born blind?”
The disciples were consumed with who sinned to make him blind. There must be a reason. They didn't think about the fact they were with a man who performed miracles but rather, why did it happen?

We do this too. We focus on the why and miss what's really happening and miss the miracle in it. We are stuck at the why and can't move forward to the awesome things God has planned for us.  I think when you lose a twin you tend to focus on the loss, at least at first, and not the miracle of the life that remains.  In our case it was miraculous that Cameron was not sick, at all, when they were diagnosed.  It was miraculous that the diagnosis happened when it did and that surgery happened as quickly as it did.  It was miraculous that only Cole rapidly declined in health, miraculous that Cameron wasn't more affected by Cole's passing.  But it was do hard to focus on that in my grief.  Later it was miraculous that Cameron wasn't born at 26 weeks and miraculous that he wasn't affected by all he endured inutero.  But again, it was hard to focus on that when my heart was so broken. 

John 9:3‭-4 MSG
Jesus said, “You’re asking the wrong question. You’re looking for someone to blame. There is no such cause-effect here. Look instead for what God can do. We need to be energetically at work for the One who sent me here, working while the sun shines.

Jesus jumps in and tells the disciples that no one sinned but that it happened so the works of God can be displayed in this man. Now to some they could say this, or perhaps twist this, to suggest that this happened so God could show off so to speak. And it's easy to understand why people might think that way when you think about people in your life or in the public eye who do this…who promote the good works they've done, who jump in to a situation and genuinely do make a positive impact on it...but are sure to make sure everyone knows the good they did.
But that's not how God works.

Regardless we can't search for why something happened but rather just need accept that it just happened. Does it make sense? No. Do we wish it would have happened to someone else? Not really but we sure wish it didn't happen to us. Did we deserve it? No.

Did I do something wrong to deserve my child leaving before I ever met him? Did my sins and transgressions finally catch up with me? Did God feel I couldn't handle raising twins? Heck my biggest question was similar…'God if you never meant me to bring 2 babies home in the first place, then why make me pregnant with twins in the first place?' The answer to all of those first questions is a resounding NO. The answer to the last one...well when we stop asking why and looking for a reason, we can move onto what God wants to do with what is happening, not what happened.

When we stop searching for answers to why our child passed away, why they got the illness that took them, why the mistakes happened in the medical field, why the accident happened, why this is our life ...when we stop looking for answers to the why we can start to see what is happening, what God is doing with our journey.

Romans 8:28 NIV
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

What if we stop asking why and ask what instead? I know I can't understand why this has happened but what do you want me to do God?

I’ve asked this, in my own way and in my own time and the resounding answer is to help others through it, to use the brokenness my heart experienced to empathize with others. To use the information that I HAD to have, had to understand, about everything that happened to us to walk alongside another family and offer them support. I’m not going to lie, that was really hard to do times and it looked a lot different, had a much different purpose I think in the beginning. Initially I shared my story a lot in various groups because I wanted, no needed, to talk about Cole and I needed to keep reliving the boys journey as a way to hold on to him and, perhaps, to draw attention to myself. Transparency at it’s best here folks! 

Later on I couldn’t handle ‘helping’ anyone who had 2 surviving twins, couldn’t walk beside those who’s surgery was successful. So I offered my support mostly to families who’d experienced loss.
In time I felt a nudge to enter back into uncomfortable places because I knew that it was great to help those with broken hearts but maybe I could help others to not experience broken hearts.

John 9:4-5
While it is daytime, we must do the works of Him who sent Me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

We only have so much time on this planet and what we do with our time matters. It was time I walked into uncomfortable places so that, hopefully, less families would walk the path we walked. Now I walk comfortably in the world of mono di twins and share openly what I know and, often, a bit more guardedly, our story. I don’t hide the reality of TTTS but I don’t start the conversation with it either.

We are here. We are in the world and we can be the light. God always works in partnership with humanity. God will send you if you are hurting, broken, hungry, poor, lost etc. It might feel ridiculous but it is what God called you to. Sometimes you have to do something a little bit ridiculous for God to do something a lot miraculous.

Let’s go back to John 9. After the blind man meets Jesus and has mud and spit put on his eyes he has to crawl down hundreds of stairs to wash in the pool of Siloam and he can then see. Picture that….you are a blind man who’s just encountered a man rumoured to be a healer. Your world is dark and you live by sounds, smells and touch. So some man you’ve never met just spit in the mud, rubbed it your face and told you to walk hundreds of steps to a bathing pool. You do that and you can see!

The blind man tells everyone he meets and the story sounds so ridiculous that no one believes him. They ask his parents and they say ask the man himself. Essentially he tells them, again, what happened and that he does not know who the man who healed him is, if he is a sinner or not. He does not know why he can see but what he knows is that he can see.



As the pastor I heard speak on this says “We just have to know what we know and not worry about what we don't.''

I don’t know why my son died. I don’t know why my twins didn’t get to grow up together. I don’t know why this is the path of my life. What I do know is that God is walking it with me, that Jesus came and met me in a few different ways, in a few different places and brought me stories, people and information out of nowhere….all of which gave me hope. What I do know is that God has given me a gift to write and the Holy Spirit breathes words into me that I can share that may help others find that hope too. And what I also know is that someday we will all be reunited again. Someday the answers to the why’s will be clear….or perhaps clearer. For now I will focus on what….what I can do with what I know, what I experienced, what I see, what I sense and what I feel. For now the what is all that matters.