Friday, February 13, 2015

A Time of Tears

I wrote this post on facebook a number of weeks ago and really thought I had posted it here.  I decided to back date it today to when I was wrote and share it anyway as I think it's good to reveal those moments in your journey where you feel like you are slipping backwards.  It shows the heights and depths of grief, that grief isn't linear and there are ups and downs, forward steps and backwards slides.  This was a backward slide....

Just finished me a heck of a good cry...and those who know me and my story know, after 6 years, I don't have sobbing fests anymore.
It came from reading an account of a parents final goodbye to their medically fragile child in a book called Life is a Gift. It was heart wrenching and the part that got me the most was when the mom talked about how much she appreciated that God gave her those final days, that time to prepare herself for the goodbye and her daughter for the hello to Jesus.

I remembered our goodbyes to Cole, the dreams we shared with him, the tears we wept, the regrets we had. This author talked about how much she knows she was blessed to have her time and how awful she feels for people like me. 

"I realize not everyone is granted the luxury of time when it comes to seeing a loved one die.  There are those who, with one horrific phone call, have to come to grips with the reality that life is gone.  There are those who never get a chance to say goodbye and all those other things we still want, and need, to say."

 And it just brought it all back. I want that time back, I want to say goodbye before his heart stops, I want to hold him as he takes his last breath, as the angels come for him. I want to tell him about Jesus and all he'll do growing up with Jesus, the angels and loved ones gone before him teaching him instead of me. 

I am raw, I am a mess and I am 12 days from their birthday... Which rarely affects me but I know God has something He needs me to come to terms with this year for their birthday.
I turned the page and saw this image and wept again... but slightly more hopeful this time...

Jean Keaton Teach Me To Walk 

I know that my son learned to walk with the Lord at his side.  I know that I will see him again.  I know he is in such a better place then this broke world.....but sometimes, in my weakest, most broken moments I just don't care, I just want him back with me.

Post Note:
I will share now, 15+ days later, that this year's birthday was a wonderful one because I allowed myself the freedom to feel all the emotions I could have.  I had some tears, I remembered a lot from that day that I think I had suppressed.   But the most interesting thing about this year, the part that I think God was preparing me for, was Cameron's growth and realizations.  He told me often that it was Cole's birthday too.  He told me that Cole got presents in heaven, the same ones he got here.  He assured me that Cole was happy with his cake and his party.  He also has begun talking about Cole like he is with him all the time.  He says there are 2 Coles in his class (one of his best buddies names is Cole) and that Cole loves going to school, loves Mrs. F and Mrs, N.  I am not sure a few months ago that my heart could have handled all of this from Cameron but today my heart sings because I know that my twin sons truly are connected, truly are living in each others space, truly are together forever. 

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