I'm participating in a photo challenge this holiday season that has daily themes. Today's theme is music and as I walked this morning I thought of so many songs that connect to my grief and to my feelings about Cole. I thought I knew what I'd post later today and carried on my walk. Today I chose to listen to Christmas music as I walked. This song, one I've sung as a solo artist church at Christmas for over 20 years, came on and I burst into tears . Given the significance of this day, the last day the old Jodie existed 10 years ago, the day before our lives changed forever, I felt God had placed in my path for a reason and given that I haven't written in almost a year I felt that He was asking me to write, to reflect and write. So here goes....
"Breath Of Heaven (Mary's Song)"
I have traveled many moonless nights
Cold and weary with a babe inside
And I wonder what I've done
Holy Father you have come
And chosen me now
To carry your son
My mind travels here to the journey we physically took 10 years ago tomorrow. Although it likely wasn't a moonless night, I was definitely weary with 2 babes inside. I was scared and I my heart was full of fear. I wondered why I was on this journey although I know I wasn't thinking of asking God this question...not yet. I didn't have that relationship with Him yet. But I definitely wondered 'why me'.
Now I still wonder. Why did God choose this to be my journey? Do I even believe that this is how God works? That He chooses these hard journeys for us? I am not sure but for the purposes of this writing, I'm going to go with yes, I do think he chooses us...so why did he chose me? Why did I get pregnant with 2 babies if I was only meant to bring one home? Why did this NEED to be the path we took as a family? I believe I know some of those answers but I know that I'll never know all of them this side of heaven. And I also know that this time of year it's very hard to not just be focused on why did this have to be my journey?
I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now
This verse reminds me so much of that night in Toronto 10 years ago. I remember laying in my hospital bed crying and holding Geoff's hand (as he snored of course) I was so frightened by the load I was bearing, by the life threatening situation my unborn sons were facing. I felt alone and I was so very scared. I remember praying and asking God to be with me and with them.
And this morning I also felt fear in a sense. Fear that I would break down this week at inappropriate times. That I would struggle to catch my breath, to stop the tears, to keep going when all I wanted to do was curl in a ball and cry. I prayed for God to be with me and help me get through it all. And as I heard the chorus below start I prayed for the breath of heaven to enter me, for the peace of heaven to come into my heart and give me strength and comfort.
[Chorus:]
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy
Breath of heaven
Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me
And this is where I am today, I am left with wonder of what God thought of me as that night as he watched my face? As he heard me pray to Him to keep both my boys safe and allow them to stay healthy and inside me for another 10+ weeks did He think 'I should have picked a wiser person for this journey as this woman is not realistic about the situation she is facing?' Did I offer all I was for His plan? No...I definitely didn't because I could not pray to Him again after Cole passed away because I didn't want to face another unanswered prayer. I didn't pray for strength really because I thought everything was going to be fine. I definitely should have prayed for more strength.
And today...did God, and Cole too, wonder as they watched my face. Is this what God wants me to do with this pain and hurt? Is this how I was supposed to respond? Should God have chosen someone different for this journey?
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