Together
I'll be honest here. In the early years of grief I didn't think we'd make it to the 18 years we just celebrated. Losing Cole put a lot of strain on our already struggling marriage. We turned away from each other and tried to work through it by ourselves. But slowly the darkness in our hearts began to open up to light and together we found a way to support each other. Together we are better....even if it doesn't always feel that way and isn't always pretty.
This was a tough topic for me because I wrestled with 'there has to be a purpose in this loss, this journey' for years. My faith was young and so caught up in what I'd grown up believing that I felt I was in a war between 'God has a purpose and a plan in all things including the death of my child' and 'crappy things happen but God will walk it through it with me'.
In the end the later has become the start of a journey to make Jesus the purpose, to take him into my heart and allow him to walk through all of it. He guides me to use it for greater good than any evil the enemy ever could have.
In the end the later has become the start of a journey to make Jesus the purpose, to take him into my heart and allow him to walk through all of it. He guides me to use it for greater good than any evil the enemy ever could have.
Holiday Grief Photo Challenge
Grief Trigger
Everytime I hear How Great Thou Art , especially by Alan Jackson, it triggers such a strong reaction in me, most especially at the verse that talks God coming to take me home. Home is where Cole is. Home is where I want to be some days. We came across this version when Geoff was looking for a different song by Alan Jackson, Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning, in the days after Cole was born still...as for him the world stopped spinning the day Cole died. I immediately began to cry and have NEVER made it through any version of this song without crying. We played it at Cole's memorial service.
Grief Trigger
Everytime I hear How Great Thou Art , especially by Alan Jackson, it triggers such a strong reaction in me, most especially at the verse that talks God coming to take me home. Home is where Cole is. Home is where I want to be some days. We came across this version when Geoff was looking for a different song by Alan Jackson, Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning, in the days after Cole was born still...as for him the world stopped spinning the day Cole died. I immediately began to cry and have NEVER made it through any version of this song without crying. We played it at Cole's memorial service.
Holidays
There are many holidays that we, the parents of children gone too soon, feel the intensity of missing them but none as much as Christmas for many. With a loss happening a mere 12 days before Christmas in 2008, this holiday was painful then and remains a trigger to this day. It's always been important for me to have Cole honoured and included in our Christmas celebrations and each year our tree has been blessed with a bit more Cole.
Wonder
I've always been full of wonder when it comes to my twins and their connection. When I look at this photo I wonder what has gone on inside our surviving twin's head and heart. I wonder what he thinks of being a twin but not having Cole here. And I wonder what it was like for Cameron to see and feel Cole move and interact with him for 23 weeks and then suddenly he stopped moving.Heartbreaking really...
Gift
These two little beans are 2 of the 4 greatest gifts God ever gave me and their journey, from unplanned conception to our double surprise at 11 weeks of pregnancy, from the many ultrasounds to the one that changed our lives forever almost 10 years ago, from the moment we learned Cole was gone til the moment we met them both, from saying hello and goodbye to finding ways to forever honour their journey...all of it is a gift!
These two little beans are 2 of the 4 greatest gifts God ever gave me and their journey, from unplanned conception to our double surprise at 11 weeks of pregnancy, from the many ultrasounds to the one that changed our lives forever almost 10 years ago, from the moment we learned Cole was gone til the moment we met them both, from saying hello and goodbye to finding ways to forever honour their journey...all of it is a gift!
Health
For the remainder of my twin pregnancy, after Cole had passed away, I worried about Cameron. I wondered if he'd actually be born alive, if he'd suffered complications from TTTS and losing his twins, if he'd walk or talk.His cries at birth made my heart sing and helped me deal with the heartbreak I was dealing with. And when I finally was able to see this beautiful face without wires and tubes, when I saw him so healthy...well a peace settled over me and I knew it would be ok.
Cold
This place of Cole's isn't a place I feel connected to him in. It doesn't make me feel cold but it isn't where he is for me. He's in my heart.
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