What if the trials of this life are mercies in disguise...

A few years ago I read singer songwriter Laura Story's autobiography and was quite moved by her song 'Blessings'...and I may have even blogged about it.  Recently I came across her song again and can't stop listening to it these days.  I had planned a blog post about this song weeks before our current world crisis but now it seems even more applicable.  If you aren't familiar with it take a listen and check out the lyrics below.

Blessings

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not
This is not our home

It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life-
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

I get teary eyed every time I listen to this song and I'm not going to lie, right now, at this moment I am all but sobbing.  Why? Because this song speaks to my heart so very much.  It reminds me of the heartbreak that we experienced when we lost Cole, and, not going to lie, the heartache I continue to feel when I think of him, when I remember our journey, when I find myself wishing that we hadn't lost him.  And it makes me realize that nothing in this life is guaranteed....except God's love.
It's a hard concept to take in for many and for me, too, at times.  To wrap your head around the idea that the toughest things we go through can be the things that change us the most, that impact us for the better the most. They are the things that break us of our ways that keep us from connecting with Jesus.  They are the things that make us question what we've been taught about God, about Jesus, about faith.  And they are the things that bring us to our knees, that nearly break us and make us hit rock bottom.  And from there...well from there the only thing to do is to cling to faith. 
Our journey with TTTS definitely was a mercy in disguise.  It was the hardest thing I ever went through.  It made me question everything I'd ever known about faith, made me turn away from people who offered prayers and words of faith.  It made me ask why over and over again.  I struggled to find myself in this new normal but in time I began to see how God could use this journey, use me, to bring hope to others.  I began to lean on Him in a way that I didn't know I could.  I entered into a relationship with Jesus that I didn't know could exist.  But it didn't come easy and it didn't come without prayers...prayers that didn't seem to be answered or heard. 
Because so often the hardest thing about finding your way to a place of peace, to these mercies in disguise, is to pray..and not receive.  We pray for our families to be protected, for wisdom in making decisions, for healing, for God to ease suffering.  And when our prayers aren't answered the way we envision, when we don't hear God's voice when we are trying to make decisions, when suffering continues and healing isn't happening, we often turn from God.  We feel angry.  We feel alone.  And it is in these moments that we need to trust God and to feel his steadfast love. 
I don't know about you but my anxiety has been on overdrive for the last 3 weeks.  This virus is overwhelming at time.  The news is intimidating and the changes that every single day seem to bring feels like something I can't manage, can't live through.  Everything we've known as normal has become a distant memory or a dream of the future when we might be back there again.  Living in the here and now doesn't feel good and it keeps me up at night, it makes me cry at times and it completely overwhelms me at others.  Sometimes I wonder where God is in all of this. 
But what if that's it....the tears, the sleepless nights, the worry and fear feeling overwhelming, the anxiety feeling consuming, the wait for answers or healing, the suffering moments ending in loss of life...what if all of those moments are meant to change us, to mold us, to make us see that this world can not give us what He can.  What if what if trials of this life, The rain, the storms, the hardest nights Are God's mercies in disguise?
God wants nothing more from us but for us to lean into Him, He wants nothing more than for us to enter in to a relationship with Him...a trusting and meaningful relationship.  We can't see what this journey through this devastating virus will bring us to, we can't always see positives, light at the end of the tunnel, a purpose...anything positive. 
And yet the world is slowing down.  Families are enjoying hours of time together.  Parents are seeing the workings of their kids brains as they explore and learn.  Communities are coming together to support one another.  World leaders are showing their true selves, showing sides of themselves that often are hidden, bringing (or not bringing) compassion and empathy into the words they express to the people who look to them for leadership, support and guidance during difficult times.   God is behind all of that.  Every. Single. Step.  He's behind this. 
This trial will eventually be behind us and we will be changed because of it.  And I am so grateful that at every twist in the road of this journey I know God will be there, Jesus will be walking beside me and the Holy Spirit will speak into me with words and actions that can only be considered supernatural. 
Lean into Him.  Let this be His mercy in disguise. 

Resisting the Negative Thoughts

For over a week I've been feeling the urge to get back to writing, to use writing as an outlet for the emotions this pandemic has brought to my life.  And for much longer than that I've had ideas brewing in my head for some pretty deep and meaningful (I hope) posts.  But then life.  It just seems to get in the way and things since to keep distracting me.  My new normal of being at home with the kids but still working and on home assignment (still working out what that will look like....for now it's reading lots of emails and staying in contact with my students/their parents via social media, texting etc) and trying to get them to do some school work, some practical skills (cook and bake, clean and organize) all while daily the rules, the restrictions, the recommendations and, sadly, the number of cases and deaths changes and I feel like the news channel is a magnet that keeps me stuck in front of the tv, lead my mind to challenging places and my fears to rule my heart.  

But today my friend Jennie posted this on facebook and it's helping to ground me....in Him.

Me: Okay, God, here's the thing. I'm scared. I'm trying not to be, but I am.

God: I know. Want to talk about it?

Me: Do we need to? I mean, you already know.

God: Let's talk about it anyway... We've done this before.

Me: I know, I just feel like I should be bigger or stronger of something by now.

God: *waiting patiently, unhurried, undistracted, never annoyed.

Me: Okay. So, I'm afraid I'll do everything I can to protect my family and it won't be enough. I'm afraid of someone I love dying. I'm afraid the world won't go back to what it was before. I'm afraid my life is always going to feel a little bit unsettled.

God: Anything else?

Me: EVERYTHING ELSE.

God: Remember how your son woke up the other night and came running down the hall to your bedroom?

Me: Yes.

God: You were still awake, so when you heard him running, you started calling out to him before he even got to you... remember? Do you remember what you called out to him?

Me: I said, "You're okay! You're okay! You're okay! I'm here."

God: Why did you call to him? Why didn't you just wait for him to get to your room?

Me: Because I wanted him to know that I was awake, and I heard him, and he didn't have to be afraid until he reached the end of the dark hallway.

God: Exactly. I hear you, my child. I hear your thoughts racing like feet down the dark hallway. There's an other side to all of this. I'm there already. I've seen the end of it. And I want you to know right here as you walk through it all, you're okay. I haven't gone to sleep, and I won't.

Me: *crying. Can we sit together awhile? Can we just sit here a minute before I go back to facing it all?

God: There's nothing I'd love more.

I don't have to be brave, certain or confident in this, I just need to rest in Him, to lean into His protective arms and feel assured that's I'm ok, that our world is ok, that God's got this.  I may not be able to see that right now but He can. 

And as I think about that I remember this devotion I shared last week. Max Lucado is a wise man with a great sense of what the world needs to hear at times like this.  While he didn't write this in our current times, it certainly does apply.  I was quite drawn to the discussion on Philippians 4:6-8

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸ Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

That's something I definitely wasn't doing enough, bringing my requests to God, and especially not with Thanksgiving.  Sometimes that's pretty hard.  But breaking down this scripture and find ways to celebrate things in my life definitely is changing my mindset. And so like the woman Max Lucado shared with his readers, I decided to break things down....

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true…” What is true in my life at this particular moment? The blessing of all my family spending time together at an age where my boys have begun to resist family time. 

“Whatever is noble.” The blessing that seeing the compasssion and concern my children are showing for those most vulnerable to this disease is.  

“Whatever is right.” The blessing of seeing the world stepping up to support those most vulnerable and at risk to the virus...the elderly, the compromised and the marginalized....perhaps especially the marginalized.  I've seen so many amazing posts about donations and assistance for low income families and for homeless individuals.  

“Whatever is pure.” The blessing of  hearing the pure innocent laughter of my middle son as he watched the waves of Lake Huron crash into the pier on our 'homeschool field trip'.  This child guards his emotions and pushes out a tough kid attitude so often, he tries so hard to hide his true heart and his 'inner child' so often.  This laughter was such a pure moment!!!!

“Whatever is lovely.” The blessing of the love so many are showing each other in these times.  The messages I get almost daily from friends checking in on me, the love I feel for the people who care so deeply for others. 

“Whatever is admirable.” The blessing of a caring and compassionate leader, the strength I see our Prime Minister and the decisions our government has made to help support our country in this crisis is very admirable.  

“If anything is excellent.” The blessing of watching my children work together to make cookies to bless others with.  

“Or praiseworthy.” The blessing of worshiping a God, a Father, who is there, always, for his children, who forgives them time and time again and welcomes them into His rest.  

“Think about such things.”

As Max pointed out, there are a great many things we don't have control over....and nothing is so clear to us then when we are going through a crisis such as this.  But what we do have control over is our mindset, our thoughts.  

Be careful what you think, because your thoughts run your life. — Proverbs 4:23 

If you want to be stuck in perpetual worry, in fear, in uncertainty, then let your thoughts wonder to all the confusion, chaos, fear and anxiety the world has to offer right now.  Dwell on the people who aren't helping the situation, stew about all the things you can't do right now and all that you don't have.  If you 'want to be happy tomorrow? Then sow seeds of happiness today.' Look at the blessings you do have, enjoy the time with the people you are with in your home, encourage others, walk outside and see the beauty of God's creations.  

Allowing the darkness of the unknown to come into our hearts will begin to extinguish our inner light. It will bring us to a place of sadness and frustration and it will tear us down.  Let the light in.  Let your thoughts be positive, your energy be uplifting.  Be a beacon of hope for yourself and those around you.  

Don't choose anxiety, fear and darkness.  Choose trust, hope and light.  

Make a Choice

For many years, all of my childhood and half my adult life I am guessing, I didn't really grasp that Jesus, God and the holy spirit were separate entities so to speak and yet one in the same.  For me I think I believed that God was the supreme being and Jesus was his voice on earth, his son who came to teach us and save us, connected to each other but not one in the same.  The holy spirit wasn't something I understood at all and definitely not something I understood to dwell within me.
When I began to pray with intent for my boys, my pregnancy, the crisis we were going through and actually felt like I had been given a clear answer to prayers from God at times my faith began to change.  It started as the tiniest of mustard seeds and slowly began to grow but it took a crisis in my marriage, a rock bottom hit for my husband that lead him to accepting Jesus into his life and our subsequent change to more living faith for me to begin to grasp the trinity, to grasp that Jesus was God and the holy spirit was their voice inside my head and heart.
Exploring that has not been easy and many times I come across something that really makes me think, really rips what I believe apart or at least makes me work to come to terms with it.
I recently read a christian fiction novel called Self Incrimination by Randy Singer.  The main character in the book, surprise surprise, goes through a personal crisis which forces her to explore her faith and beliefs and eventually give her heart to Jesus.  She, herself, is reading 'Mere Christianity' by C.S. Lewis and as she digs deep in to her belief that Jesus was a great teacher and God was all the all powerful being she explores this quote in the book.

“I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.”

Now if you are like me, wrapping your head around what Lewis is saying there takes some time, brain power and deep thinking.  Thankfully I had the author of the book, the character in the book, to help me process it with this part being key....

You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse.

You must make a choice.  Either Christ as God or Christ as lunatic.  It's that simple. If Jesus came and did all that he did and said all that he did then he's either crazy a jaybird, as evil as the devil or he's not just merely a teacher about God but He IS God! It's that simple! Jesus was so much more than just a teacher, he did so much more than just come to teach.  

As the character analyzed her view on why she had resisted Christ as God and not as only 'the good teacher', I realized that I definitely had my own resistance to overcome in fully trusting God too.  

You see the character had lost her first husband at a very young age to cancer.  At the time she had been attending church faithfully and prayed often.  She prayed for her husband to be healed and she believed that God had not answered her prayers, that God had allowed her husband to die.  So if Christ was God then Christ, Jesus the good teacher, had allowed her husband to die.  He had heard her prayers and allowed him to die.  

And as I read that part I felt myself go back in time to a hospital room, a woman who looked an awful lot like me holding and rubbing her pregnant belly and praying for the two baby boys inside of her.  Praying to God to heal those babies and to keep them safe.  And then finding out 36 hours later than one of them was gone.  And losing bits of her faith, questioning a God that could make her pregnant with two babies only to take one of them away.  

I realized that I definitely struggled with loving Jesus and God as the same because I couldn't sort out 'the good teacher' from the 'all powerful God'.  Jesus has always been 'good' to me and I've never really thought of him as a being who had the power to give and to take away.  He was here to give, to serve, to teach....right??? Right???  But when I look at it from the perspective of an all powerful being who willingly came here to teach God's people, to model what God wants from us, to serve us all the time knowing that he was going to die, that he was going to be the passover lamb who would be a sacrifice for our sins then I know he was so much more than a good teacher and that he was, is and forever shall be, God.  And if He is God then He is just as responsible for answering my prayers in a way that was not what I wanted.  He is just as 'responsible' for my son's death as God is. 

Jesus allowed my son's death. 

Wow!  When I say it that way it does kind of hurt and it brings me to a place where I realize that there are times when I still feel anger about this, to a place where I just don't understand the why.  It brings me to a place of questions...still, even now, 11+ years later. 
Just last night we talked about facing a wall in our faith and how we have to overcome the wall, go over the wall, or we just will move to a different place and hit the wall again.  My friend actually moved me as an example when talking about how hard it is to overcome the wall and how easy it is to get stuck in the 'why'.  I've talked about this before in this blog post   and this message still rings true to me....

I don’t know why my son died. I don’t know why my twins didn’t get to grow up together. I don’t know why this is the path of my life. What I do know is that God is walking it with me, that Jesus came and met me in a few different ways, in a few different places and brought me stories, people and information out of nowhere….all of which gave me hope. What I do know is that God has given me a gift to write and the Holy Spirit breathes words into me that I can share that may help others find that hope too. And what I also know is that someday we will all be reunited again. Someday the answers to the why’s will be clear….or perhaps clearer. For now I will focus on what….what I can do with what I know, what I experienced, what I see, what I sense and what I feel. For now the what is all that matters.

That's what got me over the wall of my journey but it certainly wasn't found in the moment, in the days, weeks or months afterwards either.  It was part of a life journey, a choice I had to make to move my head and heart in that direction and still has many unanswered questions.  And that's ok.  It's natural and it's a human response to spirit filled moments and to every day moments too.  The important part to me is that I have given it to God and I've accepted that Jesus came to set me free.  I'm working to continue to trust Him and am exploring what that really means for me in my life.  

I've made a choice to believe, to trust and to follow.  

Only You can Decide....

I recently saw this quote on facebook and it's really made me think.

It can be applied to so many situations in your life but it speaks volumes to me when it comes to the loss of a loved one or a crisis in your life where a loved one's life is permanently altered.  When I think about our own situation, the diagnosis of TTTS and the outcome of all that it brought, I can remember how unfair it seemed.  Wrapping my head around having twins when we weren't even planning to have one more baby took months and then in less than two days it was ripped from me.  I was devastated. I was angry.  I was so frustrated at not being able to sort out my emotions and yes, for many, many months I was bitter.  Why did one family get to keep their twins and raise them together when mine were permanently separated by heaven and earth?  And how the hell was I supposed to get through it.
I don't actually know how I put myself on a path to get through it, don't actually really remember making a conscious decision to do it.  I know now that it was a path God guided me to and I do remember clearly feeling right from the start that I needed to make this loss mean more than heartbreak, that I needed Cole's life to be more than just a life cut short.  But I know it was such a struggle.  I didn't want the cards I had been dealt, this wasn't what was supposed to be my life.
And I know that this is what is felt by many people who have lost a loved one, especially a child.  It's what is felt by someone dealing with a child's terminal illness diagnosis.  It's what goes through the mind of someone diagnosed with cancer.  It is how someone who has gone through downsizing at a job they love feels.  The list could go on and on.
The fact is that we don't get to decide what cards we are dealt.  We can't switch hands for the spare hand like in some card games.  We get what we get and as I said back in December in this post, we are who we are today because we've been where we've been.
What we can decide is how to play the hand we've been dealt.  And at the start of a trial, of a crisis, of an unplanned life journey, it's very hard not to be bitter.  It's hard not to feel frustrated that your plans have been interrupted.  It's almost  impossible not to feel angry at some point or another.  And, in all honesty, it's pretty hard not to have moments of bitterness.
But only you can decide if you will be bitter or if you will be better because of the hand you were dealt.  You can decide, willingly decide, to live in that place of regret, of sadness, of frustration or bitterness.  Or you can take the hand you were dealt and 'play the hell' of it.  Take that crisis and all that you've learned from it and turn it into something amazing.  Turn it into a learning experience for yourself and for others.  Take what you've learned and help others to learn from it too.
This I also see in groups I belong to, in the faces of friends around me who've definitely been dealt cards that seemed impossible to play.  I see people who've become a rock of support for others because they understand how hard this journey is.  I see people who've decided to be the voice of change, the catalyst for change to happen by learning everything they can, by expressing what they've learned to others so they can play their own cards so much easier.

The only key that is missing from this quote....

DECIDE. You are the only one in charge of your destiny. Unfair things may happen to you, unfortunate times may come to you but you ALWAYS get to choose how you respond. You can live in frustration or bitterness, or you can be the bigger person and just play the hell out of the cards you are dealt. Because the truth is in this world, not a single person chooses the cards they receive, but every single person chooses how to play them 

is that, for me anyway, God must be a part of it all. I had to let go of thoughts of why things happened, why God allowed it to happen, what I was supposed to learn from it...the whole 'everything happens for a reason' idea and just accept that things happen and God is there to guide me to the next place, God is there to help me pick up the pieces of my life, to pick up the cards I was dealt and to help me to know which card to lay next.  I know I don't always ask Him when I should and that I try to play my cards without listening to His voice, but I also know that I can choose to give to Him for guidance and trust that He will provide, guide and help me decide or I can choose to play my cards alone and live for me.  

All of it is my choice and I choose to play this game of life with joy, love and hope present every day.  

Your Story NEEDS to be Told!

Over the last few weeks I've seen three different comments in a group I help run for TTTS about sharing 'positive stories'.  I'm not going to lie, comments like that get my back up each and every time.  They have best of intentions but when you write a post that starts out with something like 'All through my pregnancy I avoided this group because I only wanted to read positive stories and I vowed if I had one I would share it here' it makes those without 'positive stories' feel like their stories don't have value or maybe have less value. 

The thing is that every story, EVERY SINGLE STORY, has a place.  Every story to struggle, of trials and challenges, of obstacles, of hope, joy, sorrow and sadness...they all have a purpose and they all need to be shared. 

Each story should be shared because it can impact someone without us even knowing it. It can motivate someone to ask more questions. It can push someone to seek, ask, search, reach out...anything but stay in the moment that is causing distress. It can be the tipping point someone needs to say 'something isn't right'.  It can be the trigger to encourage someone to seek answers to a long gone crisis that still hurts so much. It can be a spark to begin the healing glow, the encouragement needed to work to find peace.  Sometimes it's just the bit of comfort someone needs to feel much less alone.   

Whatever it is, whatever it does for someone else who hears it, it's got so much value and it should be shared.  We can't only share the stories of perfect endings because perfect endings aren't reality.  We can't only show the positive outcomes, the stories where the villain is slain and the hero wins because sometimes the villain isn't slain right away.  Sometimes that villain seems to have won.  Sometimes death seems to defeat, tragedy seems to prevail, cancer seems to win. But don't stop reading the story there, keep reading to find the hope.  And don't stop telling the story there either.  Life for one may have ended there at that tragic point but it continued for everyone left behind.

I've always felt that way about the loss of Cole. His story of life ended on December 13, 2008 but his story didn't end there because I kept living. I kept living and I kept sharing the boys and their story.  I kept trying to help others by what I learned through the journey we took with them.  I kept striving for better care for others, kept working to raise awareness and funds to help, I did what I could to keep finding hope and joy in the way that I felt Cole lived on in my heart.  His story didn't end because my story hasn't ended. I pray my story won't end because someone has been inspired by me to keep going.       

Sometime in the last week I read this devotional and it gave me another reason to keep sharing the stories of trials that we aren't sure how we got through.   Sharing our stories with others not only offers hope, it opens up a level of trust and connection that can't happen any other way but by opening up our hearts to others.  As the author, Nicole realized, Jeannie's 'willingness to share with raw vulnerability didn’t cause her to back up but to lean in.' Being open, sharing your story, and with it, your heart, is hard and it's vulnerable but it allows for a door to be opened. If we can trust someone with our most vulnerable places then we can move our relationship to a place of connection and of closeness that allows us to build trust, to love, to care and to grow. It allows a friendship to go years beyond the life it's traveled together, to go back in time so to speak.  It tears down the walls that we build around ourselves at times because we've been allowed into their vulnerable place.  

This particular line really spoke to me..."Her vulnerability caused the space between us to collapse, and it challenged my ideas about what really draws us to one another."  When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with each other then we are drawn into each other's lives in a way that transcends time, in a way that makes us feel that person has been part of our story and us theirs for so much longer than the reality it has existed for.  

And when we think about human nature we can see that sharing this kind of vulnerability goes against the inner grain of many people and has for many years.  As Nicole puts it....
" Ever since Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, recognized their nakedness, and felt shame, the human race (regardless of culture) has been prone to hiding. We have become people who are tempted to shield our private selves with carefully constructed public selves. Adam and Eve physically hid themselves with fig leaves. We don’t tend to use foliage in this way anymore, but we are a people familiar with hiding, aren’t we? And hiding doesn’t just look like withdrawal. Hiding is anything we do to try to protect ourselves from pain: blame, shame, control, or escape."

We hide our stories for many reasons....shame or blame, guilt or confusion, distrust, escape, denial....the list could go on and on.  But when we share our stories we open up a place for healing in both ourselves and the person who is listening.  We allow the listener to see that there is hope.  We need to tell our stories so we can connect to others.  We need to connect to others so we can see how healing happens.  We need to see how it's happened in their lives and they nee to see how it's happened in ours.  

So share your story and never stop sharing it.  I'll listen and I'm very certain many other hearts are listening too. 

End Your Year Intentionally

Note - I wrote this at the end of 2019 and somehow it never posted.  I came on today to write a new post and it was there...in full draft form!  Oh well!  Best of intentions! I did back date the post so I appears I published it on time!

So it's the end of 2019.  It was a pretty good year.  It had lots of ups including our first family vacation (that actually started at the end of 2018 and had us away for New Years) and a few downs including watching some family members cope with unexpected loss and watching my own in laws come to another stage in their lives and, eventually, live apart for the first time in 65+ years.  I came across this article the other day and decided I would like to reflect on 2019 more than focus on goals for 2020.  It's not that I don't want to focus on the future but I think you can't go forward if you don't remember where you've been and what you've learned there then going forward is going to be a very slow process.

1. What makes this year unforgettable?
 In 2019 we took our first family vacation and I got to see the world through my kids eyes in a way that I never had.  Their amazement at places like The Grand Canyons (even though it was all covered in snow) and cacti was really awesome!

2. What did you enjoy doing this year?
Getting back to daily workouts and feeling the energy that comes with hard earned sweat was likely the thing I enjoyed the most this year.  It became something I craved.  So much so that even while on vacation in the summer I got up early to go for walks and on the only night I came home mid vacation I set my alarm to get up to work out!

3. What/who is the one thing/person you’re grateful for?
Not a who but a group of who's...whom????  My family.  Without them I would have no idea what my purpose is.  While I realize that life can change in a heartbeat and anything could happen to 'my purpose', but I know that my family is my greatest mission field and my greatest purpose in life right now.  

4. What’s your biggest win this year?
Without getting into to detail, late this year I finally came to place where I could draw a line in the sand on some areas of my life that I wasn't willing to compromise on and to another person I was able to voice that their lack of communication was very hurtful and threatened to destroy relationships.  While I don't know if my courage to voice these things would spark change, I do know that a weight lifted from my shoulders and the burden of keeping it inside for years was gone.  

5. What did you read/watch/listen to that made the most impact this year?
I finally watched The Shack and then reread the book.  So much of what I believe about God was expressed in that book and movie.  It was wonderful to feel like a famous movie/book 'got me'!  Now if only I could get to blogging through the study guide I bought!  Maybe a goal for 2020!

6. What did you worry about most and how did it turn out?
My in laws, their health, where they would need to live...all definitely things that consumed the worry spaces of my brain.  We, as a family, were definitely working as a team, which was so awesome to see, and we learned that there was much to learn about the affects of health on aging, that things aren't always as they seemed, that the best laid plans would sometimes go astray.  In the end we learned that the thing that worried us the most concerning long term care planning was something that wasn't even on the radar, and that being forced to live apart would actually be the best thing for both of them.  

7. What was your biggest regret and why?
My biggest regret of 2019....not trusting myself enough, not loving myself as God made me enough, not trusting God enough.  I need to call on Him more, ask him for wisdom, for confidence, for self love more. I am vowing to lean on Him more in 2020 and to see my heart more and celebrate my successes, not criticize my failures.  

8. What’s one thing that changed about yourself?
I don't feel like I changed much, feel like there's so much more to do but I think I can at least feel like I began to change my habit of sitting back and not speaking up to some important people in my life about things they do that hurt me and those I love the most.  

9. What surprised you the most this year?
I was going to write about something that was a disappointing surprise that relates to point 8 and 4 but I don't want to focus on the negative, on the disappointments.  Instead I want to focus on a surprise that happened on the very day I last posted on the blog...on Cole's heavenly birthday.  That day we went to Mt Sinai as we always do.  Not only was I surprised with a beautiful card and touching gift but I was also shocked to learn that Dr. Ryan had actually said he could not fit a cheque presentation into his day on Dec. 13th, on his clinic day and asked for it to be rescheduled.  When his assistant told him who the cheque presentation was with and why it needed to be that day he immediately changed his plans to fit us in.  Surprising and very touching.  I felt so valued and so touched.  

10. If you could go back to last January 1, what suggestions would you give your past self?
Let go and let God.  Just let Him breath into your life Jodie.  Let Him fill you with the confidence and self love that you lack.  Let Him guide you instead of  you trying to figure it out.  Trust Him!


And now off to 2020 I go.  As am typing this I am listening to KLOVE online and hearing the song Confidence.  May this be my mantra for 2020!

Give me faith like Daniel in the lion's den
Give me hope like Moses in the wilderness
Give me a heart like David, Lord be my defense
So I can face my giants with confidence
I'll face my giants with confidence

The Reality of 11 Years

The house is quiet this morning as I sit here writing my annual post, as I sit here thinking, remembering, feeling...and crying. 
Other years I often have thought of and even wrote down part of what I want to say this anniversary day.  Not this year. This year has been different.  This year has been easier for some reason. We decorated the tree a few weeks ago and I hung all of Cole's ornaments on the tree without any tears.  I've talked about him, about our journey and about TTTS so much lately and felt little sadness. It's been very interesting, like a grief maturity, and I wondered if this year's anniversary would be different too, not so hard, not filled with sobbing as I remember, as I feel.  
Going to sleep last night I knew that wouldn't be the case because for the first time ever in these 11 years, I had vivid flashbacks of the weeks and weeks of my twin pregnancy, of telling people I was pregnant, of sharing ultrasounds, of shopping for our double stroller for weeks on end (incidentally the only thing we'd purchased by 23 weeks when diagnosis happened....and incidentally one of the things I thought of as I lay in the room where the news was delivered to us...how I never wanted to see that stroller again). I remembered so many things all at once and it seemed to end with remembering going to bed after having the surgery so full of fear and yet of optimism too.
So I decided this morning that I just needed to remember and to feel. I read back through this account of that day and sobbed and then just sat back to remember and to feel...

And literally it was a memory of a physical feeling that triggered such a strong emotional reaction. I remember waking up that morning, likely at a similar hour to this.  It was quiet and dark and I couldn't sleep any longer.  And then I felt it. Strong and powerful kicks from the left side of my uterus, from Cole's side of my uterus.  I was filled with joy, with a reassurance that he was alive and ok.  

Hours later I would learn he wasn't ok, that everything was not ok nor would it ever be that version of ok again.  I learned that Cole's heart was not beating and I knew that my heart would never be the same again.  I lost a bit of my mind in those moments, understandably so, but I also lost a piece of my heart and a piece of myself that I know I'll never get back.  

The memories of that day are so vivid....the words the doctor said, Geoff crumbling into the wall, me rolling away from the doctor and trying to curl up and let the wold swallow me up.  The memory of feeling like my heart just broke into a 1000 pieces and that I could not go on.  

And this morning it was the memory of that strong kick, that final goodbye from my sweet son Cole that did me in.  My hands rubbed my stomach, remembering that kick and almost begging it to happen again, to have him kick again and then keep on kicking in that time, in the days to follow in 2008 so that the course of my life would have changed, that his life wouldn't have ended on Dec 13th and instead I would have felt his kicks for weeks to come and welcomed him alive and kicking with his twin brother some 11 weeks later. 

But that's not my reality and the reality is, the reality of 11 years without my precious son, is that, despite that last few weeks and even days being much easier than other years, today is hard. Today I miss my son. Today I wish I was soon planning to wake up my twins for school instead one of them for our annual trip to Toronto to honour the other one.  

My dear, sweet Cole....oh how mommy misses you. I miss all that should have been and I miss all that could be. I feel so lucky to be your mom, to know you and feel you every day.  I wish you were here and yet I know you are...in my heart and in all that you inspire in all of us. Thank you for being you, for giving us all you have.  

I love and miss you sweet boy...today, tomorrow and forever.