I recently rewatched the movie Courageous...for a third time.. and was struck again at how powerful the section on grieving is. I decided I needed to repost my post that I wrote on this section from my courageous blog series and to comment on a few areas that really reached out to me this time.
One of the most powerful moments in this movie for me came when it was time for Adam Mitchell and his family to say goodbye to their nine year old daughter, killed by a drunk driver. As you can well imagine, it was so very hard to watch and to see the raw emotions shared.
At Emily’s funeral, the pastor says words that brought me to tears… but not tears of pain but tears of hope, of renewed faith…
"At a moment like this, silence seems to be the only emotion that fits. What can we, as mere men say to a grieving shattered heart? We speak today because we have a living hope. Death is no respecter of persons. Death is no respecter of youth. Death is a painful intruder and a pernicious reminder of our human condition. But I stand before you today to declare that we have a living hope and that causes us to rejoice greatly. If your hope today is found in the fact Jesus is no longer entombed... Because He lives, the grieving broken heart has hope, and reason to rejoice."
God’s son died and in his death, we have been given the greatest gift….Hope for the human race, salvation, forgiveness of sins. Because he died and rose again, because he gave his life so we may have ours, because he lives on forever , because of this our grieving hearts do have hope. We can rejoice in the fact that our loved ones who knew and loved Jesus (and all children do, so I have been told by many, so has been documented by those who’ve come back from heaven) are in heaven awaiting us. We know we will see them again and that is reason to celebrate.
But that celebration is so very hard to embrace. How do you tell your shattered heart that the person you said goodbye to, especially when it is someone who has not lived a long life, who left us way to soon…how do you tell your heart that it is time to celebrate??? Well initially, you don’t. At least most don’t. I didn’t, heck often I still don’t embrace this fully. And finding your way after the shattering…well that is one to the greatest challenges anyone can endure. Knowing how to accept it, learning to live again… it is so painful and so difficult. And it takes great courage to do it. I am not sure I am totally there...no let me rephrase that...I am not sure I am ready to be there yet. Sometimes I want to just be angry that I did not get to raise my boys together, that I have a child who passed away before I ever met him. But I also know that his death was a gift just as his life was. I have learned more from him then I ever dreamed possible. His life truly has been not about the breaths he did or did not take but the moments he gave us that took our breath away. For this, I have to be grateful, I have to celebrate. But yeah...it really is hard somedays.
Adam Mitchell struggled too and I urge you to watch this scene
as he talks to his pastor. I encourage you to read what the pastor said….
"Adam there needs to be a grieving process, and the Lords the one who carries you through it. It takes time. It takes time for healing. I've heard many people say who've lost a loved one, that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same. I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord discover a comfort and an intimacy with God that most people never experience.”
This last line is so powerful to me. I remember in the days, weeks and months…okay years after we lost Cole I knew that I was not the same, would never be the same but I slowly began a relationship with the Lord that I didn’t know was possible. I always believed but when I thought about my son sitting in our heavenly Father’s lap, rocking in a chair with Jesus I just felt such comfort. It still took me so very long though to really come to Christ. It’s funny because people will ask my husband and I how long we’ve been Christians and I just stumble over the answer because it wasn’t like it is for many born again Christians… I didn’t confess my sins and invite Him into my life and start from there. I think He was always there, I always knew I had Him in my life. But I didn’t trust my life to Him, I think I thought I could do it alone, that I was in control. And I guess in a way I was because I fought Him and his will, I celebrated free will, every chance I got. But when Cole was gone and my heart felt broken I began to look at my life and my faith differently. I took in bits at a time of a new faith, a new belief, a new relationship with Jesus. And then as I began to explore things in a new church it became crystal clear to me that I needed, desperately, to grow my relationship with God. I felt myself turn to him like he was a friend and I found great comfort in the intimacy of our relationship.
But having this relationship does not mean that the process becomes easy, it doesn’t mean you don’t question, every single day, why this is your life, why you had to lose, why you have to hurt so bad. Adam’s pastor shares that God
“doesn't promise an explanation, but He does promise to walk with us through the pain. And the hard choice for you is whether or not your going to be angry for the time you didn't have..., or grateful for the time that you did have."
And now I am crying…again, for the tenth time after watching this scene and reading these words. Because it is a choice and it is an impossibly hard, at times, choice and it takes such great courage to make that choice to not be angry but to celebrate instead. I dreamed of the things we would have done with our twins, I envisioned all those matching outfits and toys. The dreams of our matching children climbing on a school bus, packing to move to out, graduating from university, standing up as each other’s best friend at their weddings. I had planned so much and now every single thing I planned had been ripped from arms, stolen from my outstretched hands. We were so darned close, the dream was within reach. I was so very angry at times. I just seemed so unfair to not have had those dreams, those memories, that time together with my amazing identical twins. I wanted (ok I did) to scream and throw things. I wanted my life back.
But gradually, over time, I became more peaceful. I found hope in the future, in the reuniting I would have with my son. But it wasn’t until I watched this for the second time that I realized finding that peace and hope was wonderful but it was a peace and hope centered around acceptance of what I had lost. It was never a celebration of joy for what we’d had.
But what an amazing thing we did have. What an absolute blessing from God. Only 3% of all women have twins. Of that 3%, for easy math in my later stats, that’s 30 sets of twins out of 1000 births, only 15% of all twin pregnancies are identical… 15% of 3%... hmmmm 15% of 30 is 4.5 out of 1000…though other research says that identicals occur as little as 3 out of 1000 births. That is pretty amazing odds, what a blessed miracle. (now just cuz I am doing math… the chances of getting TTTS are 15% of all identicals… only .7 of those 4.5 babies or 7 out of 10 000 births… it’s like winning a lottery…though not one anyone EVER wants to win). I am one of so few women to experience the wonderful shock of finding out your body had performed this amazing miracle and split an egg into to two identical little beings. I will never, ever forget those moments….”I have some news for you Mrs. Tummers…there’s two babies in there!!!”. No one can take that moment from me and no one can take the excitement I felt at telling everyone I saw that I was having twins. I didn’t have a lot of time with Cole but I will cherish each and every memory of that time. Each and every ultrasound, each and every flutter and kick. The quick growth my body experienced, the rapid changes. The plans for my babies…what they would wear, where they would sleep, what Halloween costume I’d dress them in. I woke each and every day in wonderment of the miracle that was happening. I remember saying to Geoff atleast once a week…’wow, we’re going to have twins…that is so amazing’. I will cherish the memories of my worries and questions and of the places I turned to for support. But most of all I will cherish the memory of seeing him month after month via ultrasound… kicking, waving, sucking his thumb, hitting and kicking his brother. I will cherish those pictures and I will be forever grateful for the time I had with my son.
Grief is a journey and that journey has so many twists and turns along the way. I am so very grateful that I have the Lord to lean on as I take this journey and I am so very grateful for all the memories he allowed me to have of the times before grief became a part of everyday life. Moreover, I am so very grateful for the courage He has given me to grieve publicly, to share my heart and soul in hopes that others will find peace, to be able to look back at the whole journey with a smile, a tender heart and great joy.
In my recent studies of true beauty I have learned that being able to be vulnerable and to reveal your true self to all is one of the greatest gifts of inner beauty. Perhaps this is one step in being able to be, well beautiful and to make others feel the beauty of the love of God through me.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Voices -#3
I had thought I was done with my posts on the voices and messages that I have been hearing from God about how lovely he thinks I am, how beautiful I am to Jesus and how he loves me. Then this weekend I heard this song like 5 times and knew it was another one of those messages that He wanted me to hear. So I am posting the words and a very few comments and then I wanted to repost another post I wrote awhile ago on grief because I...well I need to and I'll get to that in a few minutes...or later, or whenever time allows LOL!
To Make You Feel My Love - Garth Brooks
When the rain's blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
So no doubt in my mind where you belong
I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging on a rolling sea
And down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothin' like me yet
There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love
I know this song is a love song from a man to a woman but to me, when I last heard this song and today still it is a love song from the one who desires my love most, Jesus. What a thing to have the Lord say to me... There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do To make you feel my love. To think that there is someone who would dry my tears, offer me an embrace when the world is on my case, go black and blue for me, crawl down the avenue... to think someone would do this for me is...well I guess it's something I've known since I became a Christian but I never really thought of it much until I started this women's study on the book I mentioned earlier, Captivating and began thinking about the ways God 'romances' me, the way Jesus tries to show his love for me, how much he desires my love.
What a message God has given me!
To Make You Feel My Love - Garth Brooks
When the rain's blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I would offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love
When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love
I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
So no doubt in my mind where you belong
I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love
The storms are raging on a rolling sea
And down the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
But you ain't seen nothin' like me yet
There ain't nothin' that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love
I know this song is a love song from a man to a woman but to me, when I last heard this song and today still it is a love song from the one who desires my love most, Jesus. What a thing to have the Lord say to me... There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do To make you feel my love. To think that there is someone who would dry my tears, offer me an embrace when the world is on my case, go black and blue for me, crawl down the avenue... to think someone would do this for me is...well I guess it's something I've known since I became a Christian but I never really thought of it much until I started this women's study on the book I mentioned earlier, Captivating and began thinking about the ways God 'romances' me, the way Jesus tries to show his love for me, how much he desires my love.
What a message God has given me!
Monday, July 2, 2012
Voices - #2
Yeah ok so doing a 'series' of posts at the end of the school year during report writing and end of year wrap ups was a dumb idea... alas, the year is over and now I finally am getting to the next installment on the topic of voices, messages, words and communication.
I had, initially, intended, on writing about our words and how we can use them effectively sometimes and ineffectively so much more often. And I have lots to 'say' on that subject, I think I might be an expert on the later part of that theme!!!
But I have had a few more moments with God's messages to me lately...well actually it's the same message but He just keeps reminding me so I guess maybe I oughta listen!
So this message goes back to my last post and how, when up at Camp Kahquah and also when doing the women's ministry study, 'Captivating', we were asked to pray and ask God to show us how he sees our beauty, what makes us beautiful, precious, special etc. in his eyes and to ask him what his message to us is. The first time we spoke about this subject was at the women's ministry breakfast back in early April and we one of the examples that was given by the women in the video we watched was hearing God's message of how he sees us through music... both worship and secular examples were given. A few days later my friend Miriam posted a few lines of a popular song, the words were obviously what a man was singing to the love of his life and spoke of his adoration for her and how he felt about her beauty and even her body. I joked with her at first but then realized that these words could so much be what the Lord thinks of the beautiful women he has created. It got me to thinking about what God must think of me, what he must find beautiful about me and what he sees as my best qualities. And so I prayed and spoke to God often over the next few days, hoping he would show me, tell me...something, anything. And as hard as I listened, nothing seemed to be there.
Dejected, I stopped thinking about it, stopped playing worship music looking for messages and kind of gave up on the idea that I would ever hear a message from God about my beauty. One day, on the way to work, after listening to my bible app read to me, specifically all the amazing acts of encouragement that Elijah committed in 1 Kings, I turned on the radio...which is rare for me to do as I most often just listen to worship music. The song, I Won't Let Go, by Rascal Flatts was playing right at this point in the song....
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
ANd I thought, hmmmmm, that's interesting that I would just hear about Elijah and then hear that song. I didn't think about it too much until I got home and again was sort of thinking of this theme from Captivating of searching for what God's message to me is and turned on the home radio and heard this....
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh, it finds us all
But we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall
And realized that I was hearing His voice after all...thanks God. Now some may read that song in various ways. And I have blogged about that song before and how I was so grateful to those who held me up when I needed it most. I also wrote about how I realized that song was how I viewed God's loving embrace of me when I needed him most. But this time it was so much different of a message...it was a message to me about what I do for others, that was very clear in the context of my days at that time and who I had connected with online and what I had done. And so I thought, 'ok, God, I get it. You see me as a someone who gives that support, who is meant to give that support, to others. And, of no surprise to me, I have heard that song many times over the last few months on days when I've been bogged down with the support I give online. I get it, God, I get it!
But still I had yet to get a message about my beauty, of how God finds me beautiful and lovely, of how he sees me.
And so I began to think about that as I ran, as I concentrated on the beauty around me one morning in May I began, again, to ask God, just what was lovely about me, how was my beauty shown, what was beautiful about me.
And I got...nothing...I know it's not always that easy but really... I was getting abit, well, discouraged.
The next run I went on was on the trail in a town a few minutes from our house. The trail goes out in farm land, across fields, through bush areas. And as I ran and pondered this beauty question, I saw this lovely bird
It's a goldfinch and I have always been fascinated with them. I am not sure if they have always been present in the area I live in but I remember when I first saw one. I was likely 8-10 and I remember asking my mom about them...I think I thought it was a caged bird on a jailbreak! She told me it was called a 'wild canary' or a goldfinch. I have always had a love for these lovely creatures and that day, when I was running, was no different. I remember this line coming into my head as I saw the bird..'what a diamond in the rough that bird is. It's just an ordinary bird, there is nothing special about it really and yet it is extraordinary in the beauty is shows sometimes. It just shows how you can be ordinary and extraordinary all at the same time'
And on I ran. And then I began to talk to God again about this beauty message thing. And I said, right out loud,'ok God, just give me a sign of how you see my beauty...what does it look like to you, what do I look like to you?'. And then a whole little group of goldfinches swooped down and around me and then this song came on....
You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song
You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song
You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song
And I will sing again
And I thought 'ok, I get it..I think' but to be honest, I wasn't sure. I mean this is all pretty new to me and hard to really grasp and absorb. That God would speak to me through various means is just hard to believe. I mean why would he want to to speak to little ol me, what could I possibly mean to him. But that day I saw one or more goldfinches seven different times in the 30 minutes I was out running.
And just in case I didn't get it, I saw 3 more that day on my way to and home from work with the same song as above playing and this song too...came on right at this point in the song.....
Lovely, there is none more lovely
In all the universe, there is no one lovelier
Worthy, there is none more worthy
I try to find the words, there's so much more Your worthy of
And since that day I have seen more of these lovely birds then I've ever seen and almost every time they show up I am either feeling down and questioning what God could possibly find beautiful about me etc. I see this lovely bird.
Voices... sometimes we just need to be quiet to hear them....
I had, initially, intended, on writing about our words and how we can use them effectively sometimes and ineffectively so much more often. And I have lots to 'say' on that subject, I think I might be an expert on the later part of that theme!!!
But I have had a few more moments with God's messages to me lately...well actually it's the same message but He just keeps reminding me so I guess maybe I oughta listen!
So this message goes back to my last post and how, when up at Camp Kahquah and also when doing the women's ministry study, 'Captivating', we were asked to pray and ask God to show us how he sees our beauty, what makes us beautiful, precious, special etc. in his eyes and to ask him what his message to us is. The first time we spoke about this subject was at the women's ministry breakfast back in early April and we one of the examples that was given by the women in the video we watched was hearing God's message of how he sees us through music... both worship and secular examples were given. A few days later my friend Miriam posted a few lines of a popular song, the words were obviously what a man was singing to the love of his life and spoke of his adoration for her and how he felt about her beauty and even her body. I joked with her at first but then realized that these words could so much be what the Lord thinks of the beautiful women he has created. It got me to thinking about what God must think of me, what he must find beautiful about me and what he sees as my best qualities. And so I prayed and spoke to God often over the next few days, hoping he would show me, tell me...something, anything. And as hard as I listened, nothing seemed to be there.
Dejected, I stopped thinking about it, stopped playing worship music looking for messages and kind of gave up on the idea that I would ever hear a message from God about my beauty. One day, on the way to work, after listening to my bible app read to me, specifically all the amazing acts of encouragement that Elijah committed in 1 Kings, I turned on the radio...which is rare for me to do as I most often just listen to worship music. The song, I Won't Let Go, by Rascal Flatts was playing right at this point in the song....
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go
ANd I thought, hmmmmm, that's interesting that I would just hear about Elijah and then hear that song. I didn't think about it too much until I got home and again was sort of thinking of this theme from Captivating of searching for what God's message to me is and turned on the home radio and heard this....
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh, it finds us all
But we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall
And realized that I was hearing His voice after all...thanks God. Now some may read that song in various ways. And I have blogged about that song before and how I was so grateful to those who held me up when I needed it most. I also wrote about how I realized that song was how I viewed God's loving embrace of me when I needed him most. But this time it was so much different of a message...it was a message to me about what I do for others, that was very clear in the context of my days at that time and who I had connected with online and what I had done. And so I thought, 'ok, God, I get it. You see me as a someone who gives that support, who is meant to give that support, to others. And, of no surprise to me, I have heard that song many times over the last few months on days when I've been bogged down with the support I give online. I get it, God, I get it!
But still I had yet to get a message about my beauty, of how God finds me beautiful and lovely, of how he sees me.
And so I began to think about that as I ran, as I concentrated on the beauty around me one morning in May I began, again, to ask God, just what was lovely about me, how was my beauty shown, what was beautiful about me.
And I got...nothing...I know it's not always that easy but really... I was getting abit, well, discouraged.
The next run I went on was on the trail in a town a few minutes from our house. The trail goes out in farm land, across fields, through bush areas. And as I ran and pondered this beauty question, I saw this lovely bird
It's a goldfinch and I have always been fascinated with them. I am not sure if they have always been present in the area I live in but I remember when I first saw one. I was likely 8-10 and I remember asking my mom about them...I think I thought it was a caged bird on a jailbreak! She told me it was called a 'wild canary' or a goldfinch. I have always had a love for these lovely creatures and that day, when I was running, was no different. I remember this line coming into my head as I saw the bird..'what a diamond in the rough that bird is. It's just an ordinary bird, there is nothing special about it really and yet it is extraordinary in the beauty is shows sometimes. It just shows how you can be ordinary and extraordinary all at the same time'
And on I ran. And then I began to talk to God again about this beauty message thing. And I said, right out loud,'ok God, just give me a sign of how you see my beauty...what does it look like to you, what do I look like to you?'. And then a whole little group of goldfinches swooped down and around me and then this song came on....
You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song
You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song
You are beautiful my sweet, sweet song
And I will sing again
And I thought 'ok, I get it..I think' but to be honest, I wasn't sure. I mean this is all pretty new to me and hard to really grasp and absorb. That God would speak to me through various means is just hard to believe. I mean why would he want to to speak to little ol me, what could I possibly mean to him. But that day I saw one or more goldfinches seven different times in the 30 minutes I was out running.
And just in case I didn't get it, I saw 3 more that day on my way to and home from work with the same song as above playing and this song too...came on right at this point in the song.....
Lovely, there is none more lovely
In all the universe, there is no one lovelier
Worthy, there is none more worthy
I try to find the words, there's so much more Your worthy of
And since that day I have seen more of these lovely birds then I've ever seen and almost every time they show up I am either feeling down and questioning what God could possibly find beautiful about me etc. I see this lovely bird.
Voices... sometimes we just need to be quiet to hear them....
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Voices - 1
I don't often think much about the words I hear or say... I mean I think about meaningful things that I hear but really not about thoughts that come into my head because of them. I also rarely consider what everyday words can mean and what they can do.
I mentioned in this post about having moments where I truly felt God speak to me. At the end of April I traveled to Camp Kahquah my best friend's sister. I've known her for years but didn't really connect with her. She called me up and invited me to join her at this women's retreat just after my baptism. I felt very drawn to say yes and am so glad I went...it was exactly what I needed!
The theme for the retreat tied into the theme of our women's ministry focus at our church, “God’s Handiwork-creating beauty from the inside out". We explored women's role throughout time and how hard it can be to find your way, what wounds get in the way, how difficult it is to navigate and how hard it can be to hear and belief God's voice as he tells you what he thinks of you, as he shows you just how beautiful you are to him and to hear his message of guidance to you. I am so new at this and most of the time I just have no idea what God is saying to me. But in reading the book that we are studying at our church, Captivating and in spending time in meditation and amongst the amazing beauty of God's world I have begun to learn more about myself and hear some words from God. At one point we were asked to ask God to show us what our beauty is and how he wants us to shine. I went for a walk and reflected on this and really nothing came to me. Maybe I was searcing too hard, maybe I just can't hear God's voice? Regardless, later we were asked to kind of expand on this and just ask God speak to us in whatever format and whatever means he chose. And so I listened to the music that was being sung for us and I closed my eyes and I prayed for God to tell me what it is that I was supposed to be doing. I told him that I just didn't feel like I was listening hard enough, trying hard enough, praying enough, moving forward in my Christian journey. Everyone else there seemed to have stories about God speaking to them, feeling directed by God to do this, praying to God for help with that. I just felt, well inadequate.
And then this vision popped into my head...
And I heard the words 'baby steps, baby steps'. I picked up my pen and began to write what this meant to me but to my surprise it wasn't my voice I was writing in...
"You can not run before you learn to walk. Do not rush this journey you are on. Stop trying to push yourself to the place you 'think' you should be at. Allow me to lead you. Pray, reflect, read, write and share. Your writing is a gift I've given you and sharing your journey, your story, your questions and my answers that I give through music, scripture, and my voice...this is how you can impact others. This is what I want from you".
Wow...pretty powerful to me. And pretty much what I've been doing a lot of lately...except the sharing part... not so good at that. Well not in the writing aspect. I've been talking a lot(what a surprise LOL) about my faith and what I'm hearing from God but I haven't shared that in writing. I have been writing again though... a few more pages added to the book. Yay me!
I am reminded often though what words can do and how much you can do, how much you can impact with only a few words, or only a few well intended but misunderstood words... but that will wait til my next post. Stay tuned for voices part 2
I mentioned in this post about having moments where I truly felt God speak to me. At the end of April I traveled to Camp Kahquah my best friend's sister. I've known her for years but didn't really connect with her. She called me up and invited me to join her at this women's retreat just after my baptism. I felt very drawn to say yes and am so glad I went...it was exactly what I needed!
The theme for the retreat tied into the theme of our women's ministry focus at our church, “God’s Handiwork-creating beauty from the inside out". We explored women's role throughout time and how hard it can be to find your way, what wounds get in the way, how difficult it is to navigate and how hard it can be to hear and belief God's voice as he tells you what he thinks of you, as he shows you just how beautiful you are to him and to hear his message of guidance to you. I am so new at this and most of the time I just have no idea what God is saying to me. But in reading the book that we are studying at our church, Captivating and in spending time in meditation and amongst the amazing beauty of God's world I have begun to learn more about myself and hear some words from God. At one point we were asked to ask God to show us what our beauty is and how he wants us to shine. I went for a walk and reflected on this and really nothing came to me. Maybe I was searcing too hard, maybe I just can't hear God's voice? Regardless, later we were asked to kind of expand on this and just ask God speak to us in whatever format and whatever means he chose. And so I listened to the music that was being sung for us and I closed my eyes and I prayed for God to tell me what it is that I was supposed to be doing. I told him that I just didn't feel like I was listening hard enough, trying hard enough, praying enough, moving forward in my Christian journey. Everyone else there seemed to have stories about God speaking to them, feeling directed by God to do this, praying to God for help with that. I just felt, well inadequate.
And then this vision popped into my head...
And I heard the words 'baby steps, baby steps'. I picked up my pen and began to write what this meant to me but to my surprise it wasn't my voice I was writing in...
"You can not run before you learn to walk. Do not rush this journey you are on. Stop trying to push yourself to the place you 'think' you should be at. Allow me to lead you. Pray, reflect, read, write and share. Your writing is a gift I've given you and sharing your journey, your story, your questions and my answers that I give through music, scripture, and my voice...this is how you can impact others. This is what I want from you".
Wow...pretty powerful to me. And pretty much what I've been doing a lot of lately...except the sharing part... not so good at that. Well not in the writing aspect. I've been talking a lot(what a surprise LOL) about my faith and what I'm hearing from God but I haven't shared that in writing. I have been writing again though... a few more pages added to the book. Yay me!
I am reminded often though what words can do and how much you can do, how much you can impact with only a few words, or only a few well intended but misunderstood words... but that will wait til my next post. Stay tuned for voices part 2
Sunday, May 27, 2012
This really is MY story, I really am THAT mom....
In the last few weeks I’ve been pondering something and decided to pose a question to some of my online TTTS mommy friends who walk the path of loss of one twin as well. My question is something that I don’t talk about a lot here…or anywhere because it’s one of those things that hurts more then many things in this world of ‘loss of one’. This is what I posted last week….
Does anyone else have a hard time truly feeling like a twin mommy, really feeling like their survivor is a twin?
I just feel some days like this isn't real, like it is a story...someone else's story. I can't truly picture myself with twins most days. When I read the questions of people on twin pregnancy sites (I know...why do I torture myslelf this way) I have a hard time even remembering my pregnancy . Am I alone here????
And not surprisingly I had so many responses of others who felt the same way. It lead to a discussion about how hard it is at times to live in this world where you can see what you have lost each and every day but have no basis for what life could have been like. But it also lead to discussion as to why we feel this way, what aids in this feeling for us.
One of my friends, put in words what I know to be one of the biggest reasons it happens to me….
That's exactly what I feel like. I know I'm a twin mommy, but I don't feel like it. I also believe that no one else views me that way, well most. And that doesn't matter so much, but if they did, it might help me feel like it. Does that make any sense?
And boy, does that make sense…. And I’m sorry to those who are reading this who might be bothered that we would say that about our friends and family but maybe it’s time we put it into words, time we explain why it is so important to us to acknowledge ourselves as twin moms and our survivor as a twin. My friend Debbie hit the nail on the head with her comment that if others acknowledged us as twin mommies and our survivors as twins, as part of a pair, that we, too, might find it easier to acknowledge it in our hearts. We should not have to justify this, we should not have to be having ‘chats’ like these, things should have turned out a different way. But the fact is that it didn’t turn out as planned but it still turned out, life still happened and life does go on.
I know that some people think I talk about Cole too much, talk about my pregnancy and what happened too much, talk about Cameron and Cole’s connection, their twinness too often. I know this because I’ve been told this, sometimes in gentle kindness, sometimes not as gentle but always with concern about me and my grief. I’ve been given that compassionate “I’m so sorry for your loss” look. And that is great…well it’s not, I wish no one had to give me that look or comments but it is nice that people acknowledge our journey, our loss, with compassion. But this isn’t about loss, it isn’t about grieving. Sure, I’ll never truly be done with grief. There will always be moments when I am sad that my son is not here with me, always be moments when I wish things we different. Things will trigger this forever…this past week it was talking about when Cameron starts school. But this is not about grief. It’s not about moving on ‘past what happened’. Because the fact is that it did happen and ‘it’ stares us in the face each morning. ‘It’ gives us hugs, tell us ‘It’ loves us, reminds us daily how amazing ‘It’ is. Talking about the connections twins have, that MY twins have is not living in the past nor is it part of the grieving process. It is not about whether I am grieving well or not.
It has little to do with grief and a whole lot to so with celebrating this amazing gift God has given me. Sometimes I think people think it is easier to not mention Cole’s name. This is not true, I love to hear his name, love to acknowledge his life and all that it has given me. I have been told many times to focus on the life of Cameron and trust me, I do. I know he is a miracle, I know he is a very special little boy. But I also know that talking about him as a twin, talking about Cole is not grief talking, it’s so not that.
Imagine, if you will, that you were born in Canada, grew up here and moved to say, Japan, when you were an adult. Would you say you were Japanese? Of course not, you are Canadian and always will be. Imagine one of your children did the same thing…moved to Japan when they were an adult. Would you say you had a child who was Japanese? Of course not.
Twins share a bond that goes beyond what any siblings can have. They begin together from the moment of conception, they are the first friends the other has. They are connected for life….but then life stopped for one of them. Does this mean the connection stopped? Did this life simply no longer exist? Of course not! So why should we act like it did. Most mothers connect with their baby while the child grows inside of them. But when it’s two babies (or more) growing inside of you it is, well magical. I was always in such awe of this egg splitting miracle that happened in my body. I felt such a connection to those little miracle beings.
It doesn’t make me not a twin mom because my child died and it doesn’t make my child not a twin just because his twin went to heaven first. If he’d lived 45 years and then died we would still say he was Cameron’s twin. We would still say I am the mom of twins. We’d just have a whole lot more cool memories to share.
So let me have those moments of twin mommy-ness, let me share my memories and savour the moments of one the coolest times of my life. It doesn’t make me sad, it doesn’t even really hurt that much. It makes me proud and honoured.
And just cuz I often do, I have to post a scripture that captured my heart on this one…
2 Corinthians 4:18(NIV)
18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
The good book always has the answers.
Cole may not be seen but he is eternally my child, eternally Cameron’s twin.
Does anyone else have a hard time truly feeling like a twin mommy, really feeling like their survivor is a twin?
I just feel some days like this isn't real, like it is a story...someone else's story. I can't truly picture myself with twins most days. When I read the questions of people on twin pregnancy sites (I know...why do I torture myslelf this way) I have a hard time even remembering my pregnancy . Am I alone here????
And not surprisingly I had so many responses of others who felt the same way. It lead to a discussion about how hard it is at times to live in this world where you can see what you have lost each and every day but have no basis for what life could have been like. But it also lead to discussion as to why we feel this way, what aids in this feeling for us.
One of my friends, put in words what I know to be one of the biggest reasons it happens to me….
That's exactly what I feel like. I know I'm a twin mommy, but I don't feel like it. I also believe that no one else views me that way, well most. And that doesn't matter so much, but if they did, it might help me feel like it. Does that make any sense?
And boy, does that make sense…. And I’m sorry to those who are reading this who might be bothered that we would say that about our friends and family but maybe it’s time we put it into words, time we explain why it is so important to us to acknowledge ourselves as twin moms and our survivor as a twin. My friend Debbie hit the nail on the head with her comment that if others acknowledged us as twin mommies and our survivors as twins, as part of a pair, that we, too, might find it easier to acknowledge it in our hearts. We should not have to justify this, we should not have to be having ‘chats’ like these, things should have turned out a different way. But the fact is that it didn’t turn out as planned but it still turned out, life still happened and life does go on.
I know that some people think I talk about Cole too much, talk about my pregnancy and what happened too much, talk about Cameron and Cole’s connection, their twinness too often. I know this because I’ve been told this, sometimes in gentle kindness, sometimes not as gentle but always with concern about me and my grief. I’ve been given that compassionate “I’m so sorry for your loss” look. And that is great…well it’s not, I wish no one had to give me that look or comments but it is nice that people acknowledge our journey, our loss, with compassion. But this isn’t about loss, it isn’t about grieving. Sure, I’ll never truly be done with grief. There will always be moments when I am sad that my son is not here with me, always be moments when I wish things we different. Things will trigger this forever…this past week it was talking about when Cameron starts school. But this is not about grief. It’s not about moving on ‘past what happened’. Because the fact is that it did happen and ‘it’ stares us in the face each morning. ‘It’ gives us hugs, tell us ‘It’ loves us, reminds us daily how amazing ‘It’ is. Talking about the connections twins have, that MY twins have is not living in the past nor is it part of the grieving process. It is not about whether I am grieving well or not.
It has little to do with grief and a whole lot to so with celebrating this amazing gift God has given me. Sometimes I think people think it is easier to not mention Cole’s name. This is not true, I love to hear his name, love to acknowledge his life and all that it has given me. I have been told many times to focus on the life of Cameron and trust me, I do. I know he is a miracle, I know he is a very special little boy. But I also know that talking about him as a twin, talking about Cole is not grief talking, it’s so not that.
Imagine, if you will, that you were born in Canada, grew up here and moved to say, Japan, when you were an adult. Would you say you were Japanese? Of course not, you are Canadian and always will be. Imagine one of your children did the same thing…moved to Japan when they were an adult. Would you say you had a child who was Japanese? Of course not.
Twins share a bond that goes beyond what any siblings can have. They begin together from the moment of conception, they are the first friends the other has. They are connected for life….but then life stopped for one of them. Does this mean the connection stopped? Did this life simply no longer exist? Of course not! So why should we act like it did. Most mothers connect with their baby while the child grows inside of them. But when it’s two babies (or more) growing inside of you it is, well magical. I was always in such awe of this egg splitting miracle that happened in my body. I felt such a connection to those little miracle beings.
It doesn’t make me not a twin mom because my child died and it doesn’t make my child not a twin just because his twin went to heaven first. If he’d lived 45 years and then died we would still say he was Cameron’s twin. We would still say I am the mom of twins. We’d just have a whole lot more cool memories to share.
So let me have those moments of twin mommy-ness, let me share my memories and savour the moments of one the coolest times of my life. It doesn’t make me sad, it doesn’t even really hurt that much. It makes me proud and honoured.
And just cuz I often do, I have to post a scripture that captured my heart on this one…
2 Corinthians 4:18(NIV)
18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
The good book always has the answers.
Cole may not be seen but he is eternally my child, eternally Cameron’s twin.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
I can only imagine how awesome it will be...
I had the most AWESOME experience this morning and I just had to share with everyone. I was out jogging…. Oh, I should explain that too…. So I’ve started this journey to be healthier, fitter, thinner, more active…you name, I want it!!! Back a few months ago I was working, well re-working, through a book called Thin Within. I may have mentioned last fall, not sure. It’s a grace approach to weigh loss and I learned so much from it, realized so much about myself and why I eat, why I feel the way I do about myself. So a few months ago I decided to redo the book, reset some goals. I had a ‘Holy Spirit moment’ while I was doing it and ended up writing this as a goal…”I will become more active, more intense in my workouts and build my strength and endurance so that I can begin to run in a few months. I will be learning to run so that I can bring ‘The Race for Fetal Hope’ to Toronto and run in it’. Now to anyone who knows me, and even those who don’t you may think ‘that is one crazy thing for Jodie to write’… I hated running, made fun of runners and wondered why anyone would ever chose that as a form of exercise. I was absolutely convicted by the Holy Spirit to write this…and to do this. I’ve never had a more intense feeling of being directed by the Lord til then….it happend again this weekend…but that is a blog post for another day. So now you know why I was jogging… I’m at day 3 of couch to 5k and actually did ok with it today. While I run/walk, I listen to worship music and today, just at the very end of my walk in the gorgeous sunshine on God’s glorious earth (it was already a very spiritual moment…I felt so close to the Lord, so connected) I heard this song. I’ve heard it before but I’ve never, ever felt the connected I did to it as I did today. I’ll share some of the words before I comment as to why this was so very awesome…
I Can Only Imagine lyrics
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the sun
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I listened to this with what I can only define as rapture. I could picture it, or I guess I could imagine it. I could see myself meeting Jesus, I could see his smile, I could see the radiant light around him. I could imagine all of the things that this songs speaks to… dancing for Jesus with my arms spread wide and open, spinning in the radiant light of him. Staring at him in awe and wonderment, still and focused. Standing up straight and tall like we do for anything we show pride for, like we do when our national anthem is played… standing up to honour him, to show him how proud I am (okay bad word since pride is a sin but you get my drift) that he gave it all for me and that I am here with him now because he took away all my sin by dying on the cross and only asked that I believe he is my saviour and lived my life for him. Falling to my knees in complete obedience and honour of him, falling to my knees in adoration, love and reverence and in sheer amazement to just be in his presence. Singing to him all the words of glory that I can think of, singing the words of worship songs that my heart sings with these days. Silently sitting as his feet completely unable to speak because no words seem worthy of him, no words seem enough to express my absolute love of him. But more than these intense feelings was a feeling of ‘that’s it, that’s what I didn’t have before, that’s what I didn’t get”. For the first time, EVER…heaven became a place for me and Jesus, a place of glory, of love and reverence and a place that is all about the Lord and how wonderful he is and how awesome it is that my life has been lived in such a way that I am there. For the first time EVER it was not about Cole. It was not about getting there so I could see him again, living my life as a Christian so that I will be with my son in eternity. Cole is just a wonderful added bonus but it’s not the first thing I’ll see, the reason I am there or the most amazing thing I can have in heaven. That is Jesus and wow…what an awesome feeling it is to think that Heaven and Jesus are just that absolutely AWESOME!!! Thanks for letting me share this moment of rapture. What an awesome day it has been!!!
I Can Only Imagine lyrics
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the sun
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I listened to this with what I can only define as rapture. I could picture it, or I guess I could imagine it. I could see myself meeting Jesus, I could see his smile, I could see the radiant light around him. I could imagine all of the things that this songs speaks to… dancing for Jesus with my arms spread wide and open, spinning in the radiant light of him. Staring at him in awe and wonderment, still and focused. Standing up straight and tall like we do for anything we show pride for, like we do when our national anthem is played… standing up to honour him, to show him how proud I am (okay bad word since pride is a sin but you get my drift) that he gave it all for me and that I am here with him now because he took away all my sin by dying on the cross and only asked that I believe he is my saviour and lived my life for him. Falling to my knees in complete obedience and honour of him, falling to my knees in adoration, love and reverence and in sheer amazement to just be in his presence. Singing to him all the words of glory that I can think of, singing the words of worship songs that my heart sings with these days. Silently sitting as his feet completely unable to speak because no words seem worthy of him, no words seem enough to express my absolute love of him. But more than these intense feelings was a feeling of ‘that’s it, that’s what I didn’t have before, that’s what I didn’t get”. For the first time, EVER…heaven became a place for me and Jesus, a place of glory, of love and reverence and a place that is all about the Lord and how wonderful he is and how awesome it is that my life has been lived in such a way that I am there. For the first time EVER it was not about Cole. It was not about getting there so I could see him again, living my life as a Christian so that I will be with my son in eternity. Cole is just a wonderful added bonus but it’s not the first thing I’ll see, the reason I am there or the most amazing thing I can have in heaven. That is Jesus and wow…what an awesome feeling it is to think that Heaven and Jesus are just that absolutely AWESOME!!! Thanks for letting me share this moment of rapture. What an awesome day it has been!!!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Courageous Part 6 – Closing Moments, Words to live by….
I am still so captured by this movie but need wrap up my posts on it and move on to writing again…. So pray that I am not posting much in the next little while as it means that I have gone back to the writing board so to speak…and get this book going again.
The very last scene of the book is so very moving. It is the final chapter on how God wants fathers (and in my mind, mothers in a similar but not identical manner) to parent their children. Before I provide the link to watch it I want to post some of the script and comment…because the visual needs to be the last thing to look at from my blog today, it needs to be what makes the hairs stand up on your arms and what motivates you to say ‘I will’….
"I've seen first hand the deep hurt and devastation that fatherlessness brings in a child's life. Prisons are full of men and women who loved recklessly after being abandoned by their fathers. Wounded by the men who should have loved them the most. Many now follow the same pattern of irresponsibility that their fathers did. While so many mothers have sacrificed to help their children survive.. They were never intended to carry the weight alone. We thank God for them. Research is proving that a child also desperately needs a daddy. There's no way around this fact!"
For so many families this is the case… Mother’s do everything for their kids, mentor them, encourage and lead them, teach them morals and standards to live by…ensure that they know what they need to in order to survive. And father’s provide for their family. They look after the money, they bring it in, they decide how to spend it, they see the need for more and work harder, longer to provide more and more…all the while, they miss out on their kids best years.
I believe that God desires every father to courageously step up and do whatever it takes to be involved in the lives of his children. More than just being there or providing for them he's to walk with them through their lives and be a visual representation of the character of God, their Father in Heaven. A father should love his children and seek to win their hearts. He should protect them, discipline them, and teach them about God. He should model how to walk with integrity and treat others with respect and should call out his children to become responsible men and women who live their lives for what matters in eternity. Some men will hear this and mock it or ignore it. But I tell you as a father, you are accountable to God for the position of influence he has given you. You can not fall asleep at the wheel only to wake up one day and realize that your job or hobbies have no eternal value, but the souls of your children do!
We are responsible for our children, we are held accountable. Often in society we hear this when we talk about young offenders and the consequences for their actions being put, to some extent, on their parents. But that is not even remotely the accountability that we should be worried about. God is a much more powerful judge than one in court and His judgement of us is much more important than anything in this world.
Some men will hear this and agree with it, but have no resolve to live it out. Instead, they will live for themselves and waste the opportunity to leave a godly legacy for the next generation. But there are some men who, regardless of the mistakes we've made in the past, regardless of what our fathers did not do for us, will give the strength of our arms and the rest of our days to loving God and to teach our children to do the same and whenever possible to love and mentor others who have no fathers in their lives, but who desperately need help and direction."
We are inviting any man whose heart is willing and courageous to join us in this resolution.
In my home, the decision has already been made.
You don’t have to ask who will guide my family, because by God’s grace, I will.
You don’t have to ask who will teach my son to follow Christ, because l will.
Who will accept the responsibility of providing and protecting my family? I will.
Who will ask God to break the chain of destructive patterns in my family’s history? I will.
Who will pray for and bless my children to boldly pursue whatever God calls them to do?
I am their father. l will.
And I am their mother, I am his wife and I will…I will be there to support him, to encourage him, to respect and honour him. I will encourage him when he’s feeling beaten, I will lift him up with words of reassurance. I will be a model for my boys to live by, I will show them how to treat a woman by being an honouring mother and wife and working with my husband, not against. I will do this, I will.
I accept this responsibility, and it is my privilege to embrace it.
I want the favor of God and his blessing on my home.
Any good man does.
So where are you, men of courage?
Where are you, fathers who fear the Lord?
It’s time to rise up and answer the call that God has given to you and to say, “I will. I will. I will.”
To Sherwood Pictures, the production company who created “Courageous,” ( a ministry of the Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Ga… all church scenes in all of their movies are actually shot in their chuch and many of the actors are members of the congregation) I say thank you for bringing this much needed film into the homes of many Christians and non-Christians and for encouraging all parents to say ‘I will”
And finally….here’s the final scene….
The very last scene of the book is so very moving. It is the final chapter on how God wants fathers (and in my mind, mothers in a similar but not identical manner) to parent their children. Before I provide the link to watch it I want to post some of the script and comment…because the visual needs to be the last thing to look at from my blog today, it needs to be what makes the hairs stand up on your arms and what motivates you to say ‘I will’….
"I've seen first hand the deep hurt and devastation that fatherlessness brings in a child's life. Prisons are full of men and women who loved recklessly after being abandoned by their fathers. Wounded by the men who should have loved them the most. Many now follow the same pattern of irresponsibility that their fathers did. While so many mothers have sacrificed to help their children survive.. They were never intended to carry the weight alone. We thank God for them. Research is proving that a child also desperately needs a daddy. There's no way around this fact!"
For so many families this is the case… Mother’s do everything for their kids, mentor them, encourage and lead them, teach them morals and standards to live by…ensure that they know what they need to in order to survive. And father’s provide for their family. They look after the money, they bring it in, they decide how to spend it, they see the need for more and work harder, longer to provide more and more…all the while, they miss out on their kids best years.
I believe that God desires every father to courageously step up and do whatever it takes to be involved in the lives of his children. More than just being there or providing for them he's to walk with them through their lives and be a visual representation of the character of God, their Father in Heaven. A father should love his children and seek to win their hearts. He should protect them, discipline them, and teach them about God. He should model how to walk with integrity and treat others with respect and should call out his children to become responsible men and women who live their lives for what matters in eternity. Some men will hear this and mock it or ignore it. But I tell you as a father, you are accountable to God for the position of influence he has given you. You can not fall asleep at the wheel only to wake up one day and realize that your job or hobbies have no eternal value, but the souls of your children do!
We are responsible for our children, we are held accountable. Often in society we hear this when we talk about young offenders and the consequences for their actions being put, to some extent, on their parents. But that is not even remotely the accountability that we should be worried about. God is a much more powerful judge than one in court and His judgement of us is much more important than anything in this world.
Some men will hear this and agree with it, but have no resolve to live it out. Instead, they will live for themselves and waste the opportunity to leave a godly legacy for the next generation. But there are some men who, regardless of the mistakes we've made in the past, regardless of what our fathers did not do for us, will give the strength of our arms and the rest of our days to loving God and to teach our children to do the same and whenever possible to love and mentor others who have no fathers in their lives, but who desperately need help and direction."
We are inviting any man whose heart is willing and courageous to join us in this resolution.
In my home, the decision has already been made.
You don’t have to ask who will guide my family, because by God’s grace, I will.
You don’t have to ask who will teach my son to follow Christ, because l will.
Who will accept the responsibility of providing and protecting my family? I will.
Who will ask God to break the chain of destructive patterns in my family’s history? I will.
Who will pray for and bless my children to boldly pursue whatever God calls them to do?
I am their father. l will.
And I am their mother, I am his wife and I will…I will be there to support him, to encourage him, to respect and honour him. I will encourage him when he’s feeling beaten, I will lift him up with words of reassurance. I will be a model for my boys to live by, I will show them how to treat a woman by being an honouring mother and wife and working with my husband, not against. I will do this, I will.
I accept this responsibility, and it is my privilege to embrace it.
I want the favor of God and his blessing on my home.
Any good man does.
So where are you, men of courage?
Where are you, fathers who fear the Lord?
It’s time to rise up and answer the call that God has given to you and to say, “I will. I will. I will.”
To Sherwood Pictures, the production company who created “Courageous,” ( a ministry of the Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Ga… all church scenes in all of their movies are actually shot in their chuch and many of the actors are members of the congregation) I say thank you for bringing this much needed film into the homes of many Christians and non-Christians and for encouraging all parents to say ‘I will”
And finally….here’s the final scene….
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