Sometimes I wonder (okay often I wonder) why things happen the way they do and why I feel such intense emotions about things I see and hear. Recently I learned about an amazing miracle of multiples and began watching the blog of this family. Immediately upon reading the early posts of their blog I began to feel such intense feelings of 'caution'. I wanted to say to this family who was getting so prepared for their naturally conceived quads (two sets of identical twins) to wait, to not buy so much, not get so prepared...because you just never know what might happen. I hated that I felt this way, hated that I couldn't just be happy for this amazing miracle. From this I began to read other blogs of multiples who were connecting with this family as well. Most of them were larger order multiples...triplets, quads and even quints. I am a glutton for punishment I guess... because it did give me feelings of jealousy and even anger. I am sure this will happen for many years....I mean I couldn't even keep 2 babies alive and here are people who got to have 3, 4 and even 5 babies at the same time.
And so many of these blogs that I read began at the early stages of their pregnancy and so many of them were like the Masencups...preparing long before they even reached the end of their first trimester for their multiple babies. This led me to ponder why I didn't do this and all I could come up with is perhaps a subconscious self-preservation.
Self-preservation is behavior that ensures the survival of an organism. It is universal among living organisms. In some vertebrates, pain and fear are parts of this mechanism. Pain causes discomfort so that the organism is inclined to stop the pain. Fear causes the organism to seek safety and may cause a release of adrenaline, which has the effect of increased strength and heightened senses such as hearing, smell, and sight. Self-preservation may also be interpreted figuratively; in regard to the coping mechanisms one needs to prevent emotional trauma from distorting the mind
I wrote about some of this before on here when my FB friend, Carrie, the mom of two TTTS angels, posted pictures of tearing down her nursery and putting away all the twin clothes she had bought. I know that some of the reasons we had nothing prepared except our double stroller was that we didn’t know if we were having boys or girls and that is very likely why I hadn’t bought any clothes either….though really when I think back to that time in the fall of 2008 I do remember thinking I should/could buy some matching gender neutral outfits or some twin 1 and twin 2 shirts. I remember thinking I should get a few outfits before I got too big to be able to do it….but it just never happened. I know some of the reasons I told myself were financial… we didn’t have the money to buy new things for the twins and we also didn’t need too much in the way of ‘stuff’ because we had one of most things and so many friends offered up the second one to us. But I never got around to picking up any of those things.
At the time I looked at as a blessing as I didn’t have to ‘deal’ with any of that stuff but when I read Carry’s blog in October I was a bit, well envious seems like a horrible word but it kind of suits and, as I often have, I wished for those twin moments, those moments to think about the excitement, the wonderment of it all and the fascination I know that I had. But then when I read what the Masencups have now experienced I think, again, that I was glad I didn’t have to deal with it. I am so very sorry for their loss and am hoping that perhaps, at some point, they may connect with some of the amazing friends I have who have supported me so much and who understand how many mixed emotions exist when you lose a baby or babies in a multiple pregnancy, especially when you remain pregnant for weeks afterwards.
I think that so often in life we self-preserve. I could come up with all the reasons in the world at the time for why I wasn’t more ‘ready’ for the twins…. money, generosity of others, a firm sense that I would not go into labour early (a over-confidence, a naivety???) but in reality I think I was preparing myself to not be disappointed, hurt, emotionally traumatized. I think in so many ways we all do that. For those that make it past the crisis (in the case of many who read this, past the diagnosis and treatment for TTTS) it becomes very hard to prepare for the next stage no matter how joyful it should be. Even when it isn’t joy we are anticipating but rather just ‘calm’, ‘normal’ and ‘real’ it is just so hard sometimes to be positive or to feel 100% confident that everything is going to be okay.
Part of me will always wish I’d been less self-preserving and more spontaneous, part of me will always wish I’d written and journaled each step of the journey along the way, part of me will always wish I’d taken photos of my ever growing belly and a big part of me will always wish that I had a ‘twin gift’ from Mommy that I could save for Cameron and keep in memory of Cole. If wishes were fishes….
But then again I think that I did the best for me, the best I could, the thing that made sense, made it work and in all honesty, likely saved my sanity and my emotional stability back in December 2008. I don’t think self-preservation is a bad thing at all nor do I think the optimism that the mom of multiples, or even of singletons, feels and acts on is bad or wrong either. We all deal with things on the level that works for us and are left with the memories, the security and the comfort that is right for us.
Because what is self-preserving for some, what helps to protect them from feeling pain or fear, what keeps them from having their emotional trauma distort their mind may not be what another needs, wants, feels or even wishes upon anyone else on this earth. Coping is so personal...whether it's coping with preparation for joy or for sorrow. What matters is that we are here for those who need us in the moment when even their self-preservation undergoes a crisis.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Volunteer Heroes
I’ve been struggling for days to decide what to write regarding my feelings about the tragedy that struck our community last week. In all honesty, I’ve been struggling to even verbalize my feelings about it and it takes a lot to make me speechless. It is so hard to grasp a tragedy like this, so hard to comprehend.
For those who read my blog and aren’t from Ontario or haven’t heard about the devastating news, last Thursday, March 17th, I opened my facebook page just after supper the read repeated messages from people in my local area who were thinking and praying for the volunteer firemen who’d lost their lives. I searched local media sources to find out more info and quickly learned that a fire in my municipality had broke out at a store, 6 different fire detachments were battling the blaze and it had resulted in the unbelievable loss of two volunteer firemen from the area. I desperately began to search for what detachment these 2 men were from, thinking of those firefighters from our community who I knew were there… our friends, Dad’s of our kids friends, members of our church, coaches of our kids sports teams, neighbours and fellow Kin family members and hoping that it wasn’t one of these people, not one of the North Perth Firemen, though I knew it didn’t really matter. When I learned the men were from Listowel and Atwood my heart sank and when I learned that one of them was, indeed, someone I knew of from Kin, I could feel the sting of tears.
It was a surreal experience the next day as I went to Listowel to carry on with the planned Kinsmen and Kinette event. Everywhere you looked there was media present, every corner I turned I came across barriers blocking roads, vehicles on normally empty streets and people watching for the crippling moment when the bodies of these firemen would be taken from the burnt out building.
All around me all weekend were reminders of how much these men impacted our community and how much a crisis like this affects everyone. Tears, hugs, and shocked looks seemed everywhere. How could this have happened to one of our own? How could this have happened to a volunteer fireman?
The media attention that this crisis produced was almost overwhelming. Everywhere you turned there were media vehicles, reporters, cameras, videographers. It felt so invasive and intrusive. I couldn’t believe how much I hated it and yet how much I wanted to watch the footage at home. I began to realize how much those who aren’t affected by crisis really don’t appreciate the pain that those who are experience when their lives become so public.
The other thing that became overwhelming to me was actually a good thing in a sense. It was a feeling of comradeship, of friendship and of belonging. I haven’t been in the family of Kin for a long time… 14 months or so. I haven’t participated as much as I would have liked until recently and suddenly I found myself with my Kin brothers and sisters in the midst of a crisis and knowing that we were helping each other to cope, to survive. I am so proud to call myself a member of Kin Canada.
This moment was first apparent to me as our group gathered together with our Paddyfest attire on, black bands on our arms and walked on to the stage at the dance as a family. The entire crowd, over 1200 people, were very quickly silent as we offered up a moment of silence for our fellow Kin Ray and his fellow fireman, Ken. It gave me hope for humanity and it also made me feel so connected to this group. The second time this became apparent was the following day as our Kin family once again joined together and walked the parade route in honour of Ray. It was a surreal experience….this quiet group of friends walking along as people on the streets looked on. Many had tears in their eyes as they grieved the loss of a member of their community, others had tears or looks of compassion as they watched our groups faces, very somber, many hurting. Hard moments for me came as people would clap for us as it made me realize just how much everyone respected this organization I belonged to, an organization known for supporting others, supporting their community and so in need of support right now. Harder moments though came as our group encountered firefighters openly weeping and harder yet, encountering Ray’s parents and family and finally his wife, Holly. It was at this moment that I first felt the need to cry and weep for all that our community had lost.
Later that day, at home, I did this. I cried for the loss of these good men and I cried for the loss of our innocence in a sense. We, humanity, is so naïve to the risks that volunteer firemen take each and every time they go out on a call. We seem to know the risks for police officers and soldiers and perhaps even for those professional firefighters who fight huge blazes in large urban centres. But most of us have never given a thought to those, mostly unpaid, volunteers who gather every few weeks to train to fight fires, who give their time and sadly their lives to keep us safe. I never really understood this risk, this sacrifice and I wish that I didn’t know it as closely as I do now…and I’m pretty sure all of the citizens protected by the firemen of North Perth would agree with me.
I can promise you that I will never forget it again and I will not forget to support them in the days, weeks and months ahead. Nor will I ever forget again to say thank you to these volunteer heroes.
Ray and Ken – you will be sadly missed and never forgotten for the ultimate sacrifice you made. This Irish blessing seems only fitting given the date of your passing…
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
For those who read my blog and aren’t from Ontario or haven’t heard about the devastating news, last Thursday, March 17th, I opened my facebook page just after supper the read repeated messages from people in my local area who were thinking and praying for the volunteer firemen who’d lost their lives. I searched local media sources to find out more info and quickly learned that a fire in my municipality had broke out at a store, 6 different fire detachments were battling the blaze and it had resulted in the unbelievable loss of two volunteer firemen from the area. I desperately began to search for what detachment these 2 men were from, thinking of those firefighters from our community who I knew were there… our friends, Dad’s of our kids friends, members of our church, coaches of our kids sports teams, neighbours and fellow Kin family members and hoping that it wasn’t one of these people, not one of the North Perth Firemen, though I knew it didn’t really matter. When I learned the men were from Listowel and Atwood my heart sank and when I learned that one of them was, indeed, someone I knew of from Kin, I could feel the sting of tears.
It was a surreal experience the next day as I went to Listowel to carry on with the planned Kinsmen and Kinette event. Everywhere you looked there was media present, every corner I turned I came across barriers blocking roads, vehicles on normally empty streets and people watching for the crippling moment when the bodies of these firemen would be taken from the burnt out building.
All around me all weekend were reminders of how much these men impacted our community and how much a crisis like this affects everyone. Tears, hugs, and shocked looks seemed everywhere. How could this have happened to one of our own? How could this have happened to a volunteer fireman?
The media attention that this crisis produced was almost overwhelming. Everywhere you turned there were media vehicles, reporters, cameras, videographers. It felt so invasive and intrusive. I couldn’t believe how much I hated it and yet how much I wanted to watch the footage at home. I began to realize how much those who aren’t affected by crisis really don’t appreciate the pain that those who are experience when their lives become so public.
The other thing that became overwhelming to me was actually a good thing in a sense. It was a feeling of comradeship, of friendship and of belonging. I haven’t been in the family of Kin for a long time… 14 months or so. I haven’t participated as much as I would have liked until recently and suddenly I found myself with my Kin brothers and sisters in the midst of a crisis and knowing that we were helping each other to cope, to survive. I am so proud to call myself a member of Kin Canada.
This moment was first apparent to me as our group gathered together with our Paddyfest attire on, black bands on our arms and walked on to the stage at the dance as a family. The entire crowd, over 1200 people, were very quickly silent as we offered up a moment of silence for our fellow Kin Ray and his fellow fireman, Ken. It gave me hope for humanity and it also made me feel so connected to this group. The second time this became apparent was the following day as our Kin family once again joined together and walked the parade route in honour of Ray. It was a surreal experience….this quiet group of friends walking along as people on the streets looked on. Many had tears in their eyes as they grieved the loss of a member of their community, others had tears or looks of compassion as they watched our groups faces, very somber, many hurting. Hard moments for me came as people would clap for us as it made me realize just how much everyone respected this organization I belonged to, an organization known for supporting others, supporting their community and so in need of support right now. Harder moments though came as our group encountered firefighters openly weeping and harder yet, encountering Ray’s parents and family and finally his wife, Holly. It was at this moment that I first felt the need to cry and weep for all that our community had lost.
Later that day, at home, I did this. I cried for the loss of these good men and I cried for the loss of our innocence in a sense. We, humanity, is so naïve to the risks that volunteer firemen take each and every time they go out on a call. We seem to know the risks for police officers and soldiers and perhaps even for those professional firefighters who fight huge blazes in large urban centres. But most of us have never given a thought to those, mostly unpaid, volunteers who gather every few weeks to train to fight fires, who give their time and sadly their lives to keep us safe. I never really understood this risk, this sacrifice and I wish that I didn’t know it as closely as I do now…and I’m pretty sure all of the citizens protected by the firemen of North Perth would agree with me.
I can promise you that I will never forget it again and I will not forget to support them in the days, weeks and months ahead. Nor will I ever forget again to say thank you to these volunteer heroes.
Ray and Ken – you will be sadly missed and never forgotten for the ultimate sacrifice you made. This Irish blessing seems only fitting given the date of your passing…
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
A Parent’s Pain
I wasn’t really planning for a theme but it seems I have another blog post that ties into the first song on my playlist and my final thoughts about it. They came to me at a strange time after a long and tiring day. I have recently begun reading a magazine called Guildposts. It’s a Christian magazine with stories about regular people and famous ones too….and how they’ve found faith, found hope….found God. Admittedly it’s filled with too many ads and some features I could take or leave but last night I read an article that really spoke to me.
This women was writing about God speaking to her at various points in her life. She was being treated for breast cancer and during one of her treatments she began to feel very alone, isolated and full of fear and worry.
But she also began to feel God’s love in way that she never had before and through eyes that had never seen it this way before. She remembered times that she had seen her own children afraid and hurt and remembered the times she had worried about them. She remembered those experiences and the fierce love it have evoked in her for her children.
And then she began to realize that was what God felt for her, times infinity. She’d been told her whole life that she was a child of God but she didn’t really appreciate it fully until then and she knew that God would see her through.
So here I was reading this last night and suddenly I felt a connection that had never occurred to me before either. Both the one that the author realizes but also another one, a much more powerful one to me.
There have been many moments in my life when I have worried about my kids. When Zack was born and didn’t cry, wasn’t able to breathe much at all I worried. When the doctor thought he might have cystic fibrosis I worried. When Brycen’s heart rate dropped below mine during labour and I needed an emergency c-section the fear in my heart was overwhelming. When Cameron and Cole were diagnosed with TTTS at 23 weeks gestation and we were told they were not viable if born then and that without surgery there was 100% chance we would lose one and likely both I was beyond concerned, beyond anxious, beyond fearful. When we learned Cole’s heart was very sick, that he was very sick, I was stressed beyond belief and when we learned he had passed away I was devastated. I didn’t think I could be more afraid then I was for Cameron when we went through the treatments for his severe anemia, during the MRI done on his brain or in the days that followed both of these. But I was wrong…I was shattered when my water broke and we were prepared by the medical staff to welcome our very premature, very small for his gestational age and likely very sick son.
And of course the worries didn’t stop there…for any of my kids. I worried about how the time I spent away would affect my older boys, I worried for Cameron’s health. I was concerned for the lack of transition time that Brycen especially had from being the baby to being the big brother. To be honest, that worry is still very much apart of our lives as we watch how he interacts with Cameron (not so well would be the observation). I was very stressed about Cameron’s development…okay I am still worried about this at times. I worry about social interactions with my boys, I worry about how our, crappy at times, parenting will affect them… I think I could go on forever.
A parents worry never goes away. A very good friend, our old minister Theresa, spoke at Cameron's baptism about the worry that parents have when pregnancy doesn’t go as planned and when parenthood doesn’t go as planned. She spoke about turning those worries over to God because sometimes you worry so much that you miss out on what’s happening around you. And she’s so right…I definitely feel that way about the arrival of my twins. I was so full of worry about Cameron’s health and so full of stress concerning Cole’s body condition after 11 lifeless weeks inside of me that I could not appreciate the moment for what it was, could not bring myself to hug, kiss or even touch my precious son.
But this author and her words have made me realize something even more important. For as much as we worry about our children, God worries about us. For as much as we are fearful for the crisis that our children are in, God is fearful for the crisis we are in and what choices it may cause us to make.
For me, it comes back to my heartfelt belief, God does not want horrible things to happen, He does not wish us this pain, this worry, this fear. Our pain hurts Him too. But just as our children learn to lean on us when they are in pain, are afraid or are worried, so must we learn to lean on God when we are put in situations with our children and with other aspects of our life.
We are so truly blessed to have a Father that cares so much for us that He’s willing to endure the most horrible pain so that we won’t have to. All we have to do is lean on him and let him wrap us in His arms the way we wrap our own loved ones in ours.
This women was writing about God speaking to her at various points in her life. She was being treated for breast cancer and during one of her treatments she began to feel very alone, isolated and full of fear and worry.
But she also began to feel God’s love in way that she never had before and through eyes that had never seen it this way before. She remembered times that she had seen her own children afraid and hurt and remembered the times she had worried about them. She remembered those experiences and the fierce love it have evoked in her for her children.
And then she began to realize that was what God felt for her, times infinity. She’d been told her whole life that she was a child of God but she didn’t really appreciate it fully until then and she knew that God would see her through.
So here I was reading this last night and suddenly I felt a connection that had never occurred to me before either. Both the one that the author realizes but also another one, a much more powerful one to me.
There have been many moments in my life when I have worried about my kids. When Zack was born and didn’t cry, wasn’t able to breathe much at all I worried. When the doctor thought he might have cystic fibrosis I worried. When Brycen’s heart rate dropped below mine during labour and I needed an emergency c-section the fear in my heart was overwhelming. When Cameron and Cole were diagnosed with TTTS at 23 weeks gestation and we were told they were not viable if born then and that without surgery there was 100% chance we would lose one and likely both I was beyond concerned, beyond anxious, beyond fearful. When we learned Cole’s heart was very sick, that he was very sick, I was stressed beyond belief and when we learned he had passed away I was devastated. I didn’t think I could be more afraid then I was for Cameron when we went through the treatments for his severe anemia, during the MRI done on his brain or in the days that followed both of these. But I was wrong…I was shattered when my water broke and we were prepared by the medical staff to welcome our very premature, very small for his gestational age and likely very sick son.
And of course the worries didn’t stop there…for any of my kids. I worried about how the time I spent away would affect my older boys, I worried for Cameron’s health. I was concerned for the lack of transition time that Brycen especially had from being the baby to being the big brother. To be honest, that worry is still very much apart of our lives as we watch how he interacts with Cameron (not so well would be the observation). I was very stressed about Cameron’s development…okay I am still worried about this at times. I worry about social interactions with my boys, I worry about how our, crappy at times, parenting will affect them… I think I could go on forever.
A parents worry never goes away. A very good friend, our old minister Theresa, spoke at Cameron's baptism about the worry that parents have when pregnancy doesn’t go as planned and when parenthood doesn’t go as planned. She spoke about turning those worries over to God because sometimes you worry so much that you miss out on what’s happening around you. And she’s so right…I definitely feel that way about the arrival of my twins. I was so full of worry about Cameron’s health and so full of stress concerning Cole’s body condition after 11 lifeless weeks inside of me that I could not appreciate the moment for what it was, could not bring myself to hug, kiss or even touch my precious son.
But this author and her words have made me realize something even more important. For as much as we worry about our children, God worries about us. For as much as we are fearful for the crisis that our children are in, God is fearful for the crisis we are in and what choices it may cause us to make.
For me, it comes back to my heartfelt belief, God does not want horrible things to happen, He does not wish us this pain, this worry, this fear. Our pain hurts Him too. But just as our children learn to lean on us when they are in pain, are afraid or are worried, so must we learn to lean on God when we are put in situations with our children and with other aspects of our life.
We are so truly blessed to have a Father that cares so much for us that He’s willing to endure the most horrible pain so that we won’t have to. All we have to do is lean on him and let him wrap us in His arms the way we wrap our own loved ones in ours.
Friday, March 4, 2011
I Won't Let Go
Over the last few days I’ve been hearing this song, I Won’t Let Go by Rascal Flatts every morning on my way to work. It’s a beautiful song…hopefully you can hear it on here and here are the lyrics.
I Won’t Let Go – Rascal Flatts
It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that
You think your lost
But you’re not lost on your own
You’re not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let go
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won’t let you down
It won’t get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it
Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won’t let go
Won’t let you go
No I won’t
It says exactly what I felt I had and have in some amazing people in my life and today I want to pay tribute to them and comment further on this song…. And forgive me…this is going to be a long post!!
I was and am so blessed to have some people in my life who have stood by me my whole life, in good times and bad, in happiness and sadness. The first who come to mind are my family… my parents, my brothers and their wives and kids. My parents are the perfect example of what I think all parents should be like. I’d like to think that everyone’s parents would support them through every part of their lives like mine have but I know that isn’t always the case, I know that I am truly blessed to have my awesome Mom and Dad. I know they don’t always agree with what I’ve done or do and sometimes I hear about it but most times they sit back and let me figure it out for myself. But more than that they have been there for me when my life became a crisis, when I couldn’t find my way up or down, when I needed someone to help me pick up the pieces and when I desperately needed to be held, have my tears wiped (and my forehead in the middle of a life saving procedure…thanks Dad!). I know that it hurt them to see me cry…and it still does….and I’d be lying to you if I said I wasn’t pretty teary right now. I am so very grateful for all they’ve done and all they continue to do for me, for my family.
I have so many wonderful friends that have held me up, dried my tears and been my rock. I am not going to mention them all and I apologize ahead of time if I didn’t include you on this post…there are so many and only so much room. My BFF, my dearest most wonderful friend who cyber held me, held me up over the phone and sent packages, money and love through the mail lives in Arizona. Charlotte and I have been the best of friends since the early 90’s and we’ve had a great many adventures together. She always knows the right thing to say to make me laugh and to make me cry. She knows when I need her and she knows just what to share and what to keep to herself. She has the most amazing faith and during our TTTS journey she sent many messages of that faith. At the time, I admit, it really was more than I could accept at times. I just wasn’t there yet, I just wasn’t ready. I’m still miles behind but I see the God she’s been telling about and I try so hard to live the way He wants me to and use her as a role model to do it. I love her like a sister…she really is the sister I never had.
I also have some dear friends in the community of Lucknow who I’ve come to cherish and hold dear. These girls and their families had become a part of our lives years before our crisis began and though we didn’t see each other often, we always seemed to be able to pick up right where we left off when we got together again. When our family crisis hit these girls amazed me. Denise had had a closer relationship with me than the others but I soon came to realize that I now had some of the most amazing friends in this little group. Kerry and Denise came to see me in the hospital, they brought and sent packages of food and treats, they called, they emailed, the commented on the blog and they were there for all of us. They came and cleaned my house, more than once (and Lucknow is almost an hour away!). They offered their help before and during our memorial service and gave us a wonderful gift to use in Cole’s garden. This group of friends is a newer one in my life, 8 years old or less (Denise and I met in triage when Zack was born) and yet I feel, and know, that I could and can count on them for anything! I feel close to them now and am so happy to have them holding me up as they do so often on my crappy days.
I am blessed with friends like this in our community too, friends who went above and beyond the call of duty when looking after my kids (as in the case of our amazing babysitter, Cheryl), friends who drove down to see me on a regular basis when I was in the hospital (Christine, Sue, Tracey, Cheryl to name a few) and friends throughout the community who remember when it is a special day or a memory day…or just a day where I look like I could use a hug.
And I am so blessed to have a huge group of cyber friends who offer support all the time. They are an amazing group of people who have struggled with TTTS, twin loss, baby loss or crisis and they have helped me get through some very dark and confusing times. Most especially I would like to pay tribute to my friends at Fetal Hope; Tammy and Lonnie, who called me, answered tough questions and did research for me and to Ali Morgan who was my first real cyber TTTS mommy friend who talked me through tough times at time when she struggled herself to come to grips with what had happened in her life. My friends Tara and Matt, parents of Cole’s namesake, Noah Cole and Jack Lawrence have no idea the magnitude of what they’ve done for me. They have allowed me to feel hope again in the TTTS world and helped me to overcome my feelings of anger and animosity towards those who were lucky enough to beat this dreadful disease. There are countless of these type of cyber friends….thanks for holding me, you have no idea what it means to me.
Really all over my life there are friends like this. I am so blessed to have people who won’t let me go, who hold me up, dry my tears, who hold me tight and fight my fight. I truly hope that I have and can continue to be that kind of person for someone else but I fear that I am selfish at times and don’t give back as much as I should. But I don’t do things for others for thanks or gratitude, I don’t offer support, hold them up or wipe away (mostly their cyber) tears for any other reason than I want to give it back. I will admit that I was touched when, in mentioning my blog post subject to Tara, she sent me this message when I said I’d write about how there are people who hold us up when we can’t stand anymore, who wipe our tears when we are too tired to do it ourselves….
… like you were doing with us! You were the one person who helped us the most out side of hospital. Even family were not as involved as you. You always said the right things. You were great!!! Matt says the same about you. Through it all, you were the one person we could be truthful with and who would be truthful back and who didnt just say 'stay positive' that and 'fingers crossed' I hated them phrases, drove me mad in the end; You listened and knew what we were going through. You were the only one who could be there 100% for that what we will always be grateful.... you didn't brush me off once. Cole lives in you still, you're both Angels.
And when I think of that way that makes me think of the words of this song from a different perspective…and that is exactly what came to me as I drove to work this morning. I was thinking of the first type of message I got from this song which lead me to think of Cole. And suddenly I just felt this strong urge to say thanks to God for holding me, for fighting my fight and holding me tight and drying my tears. I, suddenly, felt so close to Cole and felt like I was getting a message right from God. He will stand by you and help you through. When you’ve done all you can do and you can’t cope, He will dry your eyes, fight your fight and He will hold you tight. I am very certain that my little angel does these things for me too…for all of our family. We just need to open our minds to the possibilities, the places, the feelings that bring our little Cole to our minds..and that’s just where he might be.
I hope you all have someone in your life who can hold you tight and fight your fight because we all need those people in our lives..but know that you always have ‘someone’ there who does that for you…all you have to do is believe, and ask in the form of prayer. All it takes is faith.
I Won’t Let Go – Rascal Flatts
It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that
You think your lost
But you’re not lost on your own
You’re not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let go
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won’t let you down
It won’t get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it
Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won’t let go
Won’t let you go
No I won’t
It says exactly what I felt I had and have in some amazing people in my life and today I want to pay tribute to them and comment further on this song…. And forgive me…this is going to be a long post!!
I was and am so blessed to have some people in my life who have stood by me my whole life, in good times and bad, in happiness and sadness. The first who come to mind are my family… my parents, my brothers and their wives and kids. My parents are the perfect example of what I think all parents should be like. I’d like to think that everyone’s parents would support them through every part of their lives like mine have but I know that isn’t always the case, I know that I am truly blessed to have my awesome Mom and Dad. I know they don’t always agree with what I’ve done or do and sometimes I hear about it but most times they sit back and let me figure it out for myself. But more than that they have been there for me when my life became a crisis, when I couldn’t find my way up or down, when I needed someone to help me pick up the pieces and when I desperately needed to be held, have my tears wiped (and my forehead in the middle of a life saving procedure…thanks Dad!). I know that it hurt them to see me cry…and it still does….and I’d be lying to you if I said I wasn’t pretty teary right now. I am so very grateful for all they’ve done and all they continue to do for me, for my family.
I have so many wonderful friends that have held me up, dried my tears and been my rock. I am not going to mention them all and I apologize ahead of time if I didn’t include you on this post…there are so many and only so much room. My BFF, my dearest most wonderful friend who cyber held me, held me up over the phone and sent packages, money and love through the mail lives in Arizona. Charlotte and I have been the best of friends since the early 90’s and we’ve had a great many adventures together. She always knows the right thing to say to make me laugh and to make me cry. She knows when I need her and she knows just what to share and what to keep to herself. She has the most amazing faith and during our TTTS journey she sent many messages of that faith. At the time, I admit, it really was more than I could accept at times. I just wasn’t there yet, I just wasn’t ready. I’m still miles behind but I see the God she’s been telling about and I try so hard to live the way He wants me to and use her as a role model to do it. I love her like a sister…she really is the sister I never had.
I also have some dear friends in the community of Lucknow who I’ve come to cherish and hold dear. These girls and their families had become a part of our lives years before our crisis began and though we didn’t see each other often, we always seemed to be able to pick up right where we left off when we got together again. When our family crisis hit these girls amazed me. Denise had had a closer relationship with me than the others but I soon came to realize that I now had some of the most amazing friends in this little group. Kerry and Denise came to see me in the hospital, they brought and sent packages of food and treats, they called, they emailed, the commented on the blog and they were there for all of us. They came and cleaned my house, more than once (and Lucknow is almost an hour away!). They offered their help before and during our memorial service and gave us a wonderful gift to use in Cole’s garden. This group of friends is a newer one in my life, 8 years old or less (Denise and I met in triage when Zack was born) and yet I feel, and know, that I could and can count on them for anything! I feel close to them now and am so happy to have them holding me up as they do so often on my crappy days.
I am blessed with friends like this in our community too, friends who went above and beyond the call of duty when looking after my kids (as in the case of our amazing babysitter, Cheryl), friends who drove down to see me on a regular basis when I was in the hospital (Christine, Sue, Tracey, Cheryl to name a few) and friends throughout the community who remember when it is a special day or a memory day…or just a day where I look like I could use a hug.
And I am so blessed to have a huge group of cyber friends who offer support all the time. They are an amazing group of people who have struggled with TTTS, twin loss, baby loss or crisis and they have helped me get through some very dark and confusing times. Most especially I would like to pay tribute to my friends at Fetal Hope; Tammy and Lonnie, who called me, answered tough questions and did research for me and to Ali Morgan who was my first real cyber TTTS mommy friend who talked me through tough times at time when she struggled herself to come to grips with what had happened in her life. My friends Tara and Matt, parents of Cole’s namesake, Noah Cole and Jack Lawrence have no idea the magnitude of what they’ve done for me. They have allowed me to feel hope again in the TTTS world and helped me to overcome my feelings of anger and animosity towards those who were lucky enough to beat this dreadful disease. There are countless of these type of cyber friends….thanks for holding me, you have no idea what it means to me.
Really all over my life there are friends like this. I am so blessed to have people who won’t let me go, who hold me up, dry my tears, who hold me tight and fight my fight. I truly hope that I have and can continue to be that kind of person for someone else but I fear that I am selfish at times and don’t give back as much as I should. But I don’t do things for others for thanks or gratitude, I don’t offer support, hold them up or wipe away (mostly their cyber) tears for any other reason than I want to give it back. I will admit that I was touched when, in mentioning my blog post subject to Tara, she sent me this message when I said I’d write about how there are people who hold us up when we can’t stand anymore, who wipe our tears when we are too tired to do it ourselves….
… like you were doing with us! You were the one person who helped us the most out side of hospital. Even family were not as involved as you. You always said the right things. You were great!!! Matt says the same about you. Through it all, you were the one person we could be truthful with and who would be truthful back and who didnt just say 'stay positive' that and 'fingers crossed' I hated them phrases, drove me mad in the end; You listened and knew what we were going through. You were the only one who could be there 100% for that what we will always be grateful.... you didn't brush me off once. Cole lives in you still, you're both Angels.
And when I think of that way that makes me think of the words of this song from a different perspective…and that is exactly what came to me as I drove to work this morning. I was thinking of the first type of message I got from this song which lead me to think of Cole. And suddenly I just felt this strong urge to say thanks to God for holding me, for fighting my fight and holding me tight and drying my tears. I, suddenly, felt so close to Cole and felt like I was getting a message right from God. He will stand by you and help you through. When you’ve done all you can do and you can’t cope, He will dry your eyes, fight your fight and He will hold you tight. I am very certain that my little angel does these things for me too…for all of our family. We just need to open our minds to the possibilities, the places, the feelings that bring our little Cole to our minds..and that’s just where he might be.
I hope you all have someone in your life who can hold you tight and fight your fight because we all need those people in our lives..but know that you always have ‘someone’ there who does that for you…all you have to do is believe, and ask in the form of prayer. All it takes is faith.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Today You're Two!
On the eve of the second anniversary of one of the most bittersweet days of my life I wanted to blog my thoughts on this day, on my state of mind, on where I am at. I guess I could wait till tomorrow but tomorrow will be filled with activities, outings (hockey) and the excitement of a little miracle turning two.
This day holds such special memories for me of both of my twin sons. It was a day of joy and happiness and a day of deep sorrow. It was a beginning and it was an end. If anyone had told me then and most especially 2 years and 11 weeks ago that I would be in the place I am, in the frame of mind I am, feeling as positive and blessed by the passing of Cole, I would have thought them crazy.
But here I sit, here I ponder where two years has brought me.
I am reading Margaret Trudeau's book Changing My Mind right now and have just, ironically, begun reading the chapter on the death of her son Michel. His death triggered a deep depression and she struggled to find her way in the world. But she wrote this poem for him and it really struck a cord in me...
Sweep, sweep, dear Mama, for your work is not yet done.
Sweep and weep, dear Mama,
For your lost young son
Sweep, sweep,
Weep, weep,
Mama, your day has not yet come,
Sweep and weep, Mama, for your dead son.
My depression has never been deep and dark like Margaret's but I think sometimes it has been hard to remember that my work is not done yet. There is so much that my twins have guided me to do already and so much more that their lives will bring me to in the future.
Cole and Cameron's life, from the beginning, was one of two. Two little beings, conceived together, growing together and born together. They have both shown me so much about life, so much about myself.
Cameron has taught me about miracles, about baby steps and milestones, about laughter, energy, intensity and love.
Cole has taught me that sadness is okay, tears are fine, communication is a gift. His life and his life beyond death have proven to me that there is great purpose in every life, in every moment, in every tear.
From them both I have learned about compassion, empathy, understanding, kindness, determination and love.
I will always miss my son. I will cry, I will be sad and I will ask why. But I am coming to accept it, to appreciate it. Maybe that seems to strange to some people, it seems strange to me sometimes. I am a different person than I was 2.5 years ago, I am a different person than I was 2 years ago too. I have moments where I miss the person I was then but I have many more moments that I love who I am becoming.
And so this day, though filled with the memories of the moments that I said hello and goodbye to Cole is about celebration... celebrating the amazing gifts that I have been given, celebrating this amazing little boy who defied the odds, who overcame so much and who brings us so much joy each day and celebrating the amazing little boy who watches over us from Heaven and inspires me to be all that I can be.
Today you are two... you will always be two, my dear sons, always a pair, always brothers, always twins... so let's celebrate TWO!
Happy Birthday Cameron and Cole!
This day holds such special memories for me of both of my twin sons. It was a day of joy and happiness and a day of deep sorrow. It was a beginning and it was an end. If anyone had told me then and most especially 2 years and 11 weeks ago that I would be in the place I am, in the frame of mind I am, feeling as positive and blessed by the passing of Cole, I would have thought them crazy.
But here I sit, here I ponder where two years has brought me.
I am reading Margaret Trudeau's book Changing My Mind right now and have just, ironically, begun reading the chapter on the death of her son Michel. His death triggered a deep depression and she struggled to find her way in the world. But she wrote this poem for him and it really struck a cord in me...
Sweep, sweep, dear Mama, for your work is not yet done.
Sweep and weep, dear Mama,
For your lost young son
Sweep, sweep,
Weep, weep,
Mama, your day has not yet come,
Sweep and weep, Mama, for your dead son.
My depression has never been deep and dark like Margaret's but I think sometimes it has been hard to remember that my work is not done yet. There is so much that my twins have guided me to do already and so much more that their lives will bring me to in the future.
Cole and Cameron's life, from the beginning, was one of two. Two little beings, conceived together, growing together and born together. They have both shown me so much about life, so much about myself.
Cameron has taught me about miracles, about baby steps and milestones, about laughter, energy, intensity and love.
Cole has taught me that sadness is okay, tears are fine, communication is a gift. His life and his life beyond death have proven to me that there is great purpose in every life, in every moment, in every tear.
From them both I have learned about compassion, empathy, understanding, kindness, determination and love.
I will always miss my son. I will cry, I will be sad and I will ask why. But I am coming to accept it, to appreciate it. Maybe that seems to strange to some people, it seems strange to me sometimes. I am a different person than I was 2.5 years ago, I am a different person than I was 2 years ago too. I have moments where I miss the person I was then but I have many more moments that I love who I am becoming.
And so this day, though filled with the memories of the moments that I said hello and goodbye to Cole is about celebration... celebrating the amazing gifts that I have been given, celebrating this amazing little boy who defied the odds, who overcame so much and who brings us so much joy each day and celebrating the amazing little boy who watches over us from Heaven and inspires me to be all that I can be.
Today you are two... you will always be two, my dear sons, always a pair, always brothers, always twins... so let's celebrate TWO!
Happy Birthday Cameron and Cole!
Friday, February 11, 2011
The Son always shines...
It’s been a while since I wrote anything. Well that’s not true…I’ve been writing a lot lately, just not on the blog.
The book is coming along well. I will admit that at times it is hard to write. Bringing back the memories is emotional for me but it is also so wonderful too. Remembering my boys together is wonderful, even in the times when both were in my womb but only one of them had a heartbeat.
I would have to say that I am amazed at what I wrote then, at how in tune I was, how well spoken I was, how open and honest. I hope that the tone of the book will come off okay and I hope that I can bring it into perspective for those struggling with the loss of a loved one, for those who have lost a baby or child and most of all, for those who have lost a child or children to TTTS.
And speaking of books… the one that I helped to co-author is finally in print. I keep forgetting to order my copies but here is a link from amazon.
At this point in time it’s only available on kindle but will be in paperback next week I think.
I am hoping writing in this book will help me to get my book published more easily.
Anyway, on to today’s ramble….
I’ve been dealing with a lot of frustration lately. I think it’s the winter blaws and cabin fever but I’m not sure. It just feels like there has been lots of short fuses lately and tons and tons of frustrations.
The other day on my way to work I was having a very bad time with it. The negativity coming from me was thick…you could have cut it from a knife. The thoughts running through my head bordered on cruel and it was just a pretty crappy day.
About 2 minutes from work there is a church which often posts unique and uplifting or thought provoking messages. That day it read “Through the storms the Son shines through”.
I read that message and I stopped…not the car but my head. My horrible thoughts drifted away, my anger resided and my mood lifted. Suddenly the reason for the anger didn’t seem as significant. Suddenly I could see the Son in my storm cloud.
I didn’t turn all of it over to God right there and then. I am human, I can’t always move on that quick. But when I left work and drove by that sign again I smiled… the Son and the sun had both broke through my storm….peace was restored!
I think this message could be used for angry moments and am most certain for sad and stressful moments too. I know I couldn’t have endured this journey without that Son shining through my storm. As I’ve read over some of the things I wrote more than two years ago I can see that, often, I did see Jesus shining through, I could feel God’s love. Grief is a difficult thing, a long journey and the loss of a loved one, especially a child, is the monster of all storms. But that Son…well it just keeps on shining through.
One last quote to leave you with…I found this on a motivational calendar…
An Irish Toast
These things I warmly wish for you –
Someone to love,
Some work to do,
A bit o’ sun
A bit o’ cheer
And a guardian angel
Always near.
Thanks to my special guardian angel..I am so glad you have helped me find my way out of some storms too...love you so much!
The book is coming along well. I will admit that at times it is hard to write. Bringing back the memories is emotional for me but it is also so wonderful too. Remembering my boys together is wonderful, even in the times when both were in my womb but only one of them had a heartbeat.
I would have to say that I am amazed at what I wrote then, at how in tune I was, how well spoken I was, how open and honest. I hope that the tone of the book will come off okay and I hope that I can bring it into perspective for those struggling with the loss of a loved one, for those who have lost a baby or child and most of all, for those who have lost a child or children to TTTS.
And speaking of books… the one that I helped to co-author is finally in print. I keep forgetting to order my copies but here is a link from amazon.
At this point in time it’s only available on kindle but will be in paperback next week I think.
I am hoping writing in this book will help me to get my book published more easily.
Anyway, on to today’s ramble….
I’ve been dealing with a lot of frustration lately. I think it’s the winter blaws and cabin fever but I’m not sure. It just feels like there has been lots of short fuses lately and tons and tons of frustrations.
The other day on my way to work I was having a very bad time with it. The negativity coming from me was thick…you could have cut it from a knife. The thoughts running through my head bordered on cruel and it was just a pretty crappy day.
About 2 minutes from work there is a church which often posts unique and uplifting or thought provoking messages. That day it read “Through the storms the Son shines through”.
I read that message and I stopped…not the car but my head. My horrible thoughts drifted away, my anger resided and my mood lifted. Suddenly the reason for the anger didn’t seem as significant. Suddenly I could see the Son in my storm cloud.
I didn’t turn all of it over to God right there and then. I am human, I can’t always move on that quick. But when I left work and drove by that sign again I smiled… the Son and the sun had both broke through my storm….peace was restored!
I think this message could be used for angry moments and am most certain for sad and stressful moments too. I know I couldn’t have endured this journey without that Son shining through my storm. As I’ve read over some of the things I wrote more than two years ago I can see that, often, I did see Jesus shining through, I could feel God’s love. Grief is a difficult thing, a long journey and the loss of a loved one, especially a child, is the monster of all storms. But that Son…well it just keeps on shining through.
One last quote to leave you with…I found this on a motivational calendar…
An Irish Toast
These things I warmly wish for you –
Someone to love,
Some work to do,
A bit o’ sun
A bit o’ cheer
And a guardian angel
Always near.
Thanks to my special guardian angel..I am so glad you have helped me find my way out of some storms too...love you so much!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The Ones Left Behind
Recently I have joined yet another TTTS group online within Facebook. This one is for grief support and I'll be honest, most days anyway, I think I am able to give more support than I need to receive...which makes me feel pretty good about my TTTS journey. The discussion recently came up about others views on religion after TTTS touched their lives. I've spoken on here before about the views of some, especially those who lost both of their precious babies. I always find it interesting to see how the loss of child or children changes people's views of religion. It definitely affected mine, changed it somewhat but for the most part it just secured my position that God is infinite is his love and support.
Anyway, back to what was said by some and then to what was said by me....
Some people commented that they felt like there can't be 'a God' because why would anyone want to do this to us, what did we do to deserve this 'hell' and pain. Some people believe that it is a beautiful fairytale that brings comfort to those who need it but really it's just that, a fairytale. But others felt the opposite, they felt like there must be a God, and that he must have really wanted their babies and had an amazing job for them. It made me ponder things and put my feelings into perspective and words. I think I've written some of this before but this is what I wrote to them and wish to share with you...
We are all entitled to our opinion and all grew up so differently. We all experienced TTTS in different ways too and it affected us differently. I grew up believing in a 'good' God...not the hellfire and brimstone kind, not the evil and sin sorta situation. More like God does amazing things for everyone and He has a purpose for us all. I had always wondered at people believing that God took those people home that He did because He had a special job for them. I, too, thought that it didn't seem right...why take a good person and leave a jerk here??? I have since come to believe, very strongly, that God's purpose in the whole grief and crisis journey is not about the person He takes, it's not about having a special job in Heaven for that person (though I do believe that He may give special jobs to people who are there). I believe that God is here, not for those that go before us but for those left behind and that the loss isn't about their job in Heaven but about our job on earth. I truly believe that Cole went ahead of us because there was a great purpose for me here on earth that I would need to feel this hurt, this pain, this brokeness to understand. I don't think God wants to cause us pain or wants to see us in pain. I don't believe, again, that it is about the person 'He takes from us' but rather about Him being here for us after that person is gone. I believe very strongly that I will see my son again...I believe very strongly that Cole and God guide me towards a goal...their goal. I am so very drawn to do and say things that I never was before and to me, this is my angel and my God speaking to me. I am sorry that others don't feel this way but I don't feel I am living in a fairytale...and if I am well...well at least it is a place of approaching peace and hope (I say approaching because there are still bitter moments and angry times but they grow less and less).
I've spent a lot of time talking about this subject with a few people both in person, online and on the phone lately. Some people truly support and agree with me, others look at me as if I have two heads. Some think what I say has merit (some even sent me personal messages to say thanks for this perspective) and others have shot me down. And guess what...I don't care either way. I am going to do what I feel drawn to do, I am going to be the person I feel God is pushing me to be. Do I want others to believe what I believe...no, not really. I mean I guess I'd like to think I am not alone in this thought process but what you believe is so truly personal that I don't believe we ever have a right to questions others beliefs. I do believe we have a job to share God with others and to help them see that He is there for them but is it my job to change people's minds about their religion, to convert them to mine...no way.
Something that I have stressed often though is that this is so very hard to get to, this place of peace, for some anyway. Actually it isn't the place of peace that comes first for me, it's the place of acceptance. It has taken me so long to accept that I just have no control over the major things that happen in my life. When we found out we were expecting the twins I was blown away...couldn't have seen that one coming for anything. I questioned why and how but came to a place of acceptance. When we lost Cole I questioned again and in all honesty I am not always done questioning. But right from the start I believed there was great purpose for this 'twinness' to come to my life, for Cole to be my son in Heaven and not on earth. I believed God had a plan for me, the mommy left behind. When I was in the very early stages of the loss..the first 3 months or so after he passed away...really before he was born, I was sure I knew part of the reason... I felt it MUST be to bring our family closer, to get Geoff and I working together better as parents etc. Each time that would blow up in my face, each time I would get a call from home that left me upset, angry, frustrated etc. I would question this plan or question myself. In time (okay in a very very long time) I came to realize that I just might not EVER understand fully this plan but I could accept it, I could take God into my heart and ask Him to help me get there, help me make good choices, help me be what He wants me to be...to guide me. I feel so drawn to helping others, so drawn to fundraising, raising awareness and now to writing my book. I am very certain that I was left behind for a reason and that part of this is the reason.
Incidentally, I am thinking of calling the book "The Ones Left Behind" but struggle with this since the first third of the book or so will be about the pregnancy and before the loss...but we'll see. And for those reading this who wonder what the heck I am talking about...I set a lofty goal for 2011...to turn this blog and other writing I've done into a book about our TTTS journey. So far it reads like letters to my boys but in adult tones. Some of it is conversation and interactions with others and others is just feelings, emotions and personal messages to them. I hope that it will all come together to show how much my boys have taught me and that being left behind with an angel watching out for you is a pretty amazing thing.
I'm going to leave this blog with another poem that was shared online in this same group...I really like it and think it captures just how I've come to feel about God...
No Footprints
I've listened to the "footprints" poem
a million times or more
Of how when only one set shows
upon the sandy shore
It is the Lord carrying us
and taking on our load
And His are the only set
of footprints that showed.
But what if when we look
there are no footprints to be found?
All we see is plain and simple
sand upon the ground.
No imprints showing that our Lord
is carrying us through life
Helping us when we feel
we can not handle all this strife.
Where is my Lord now that I've fallen
and can't seem to get back up?
So tired and lonely
trying to deal with what seems
an overflowing cup.
Where are those footprints
in the sand
to tell me He's right there?
Helping me with problems
and showing that He really does care.
Does He have favorites, OH NO,
please tell me that's not so!
By why does life seem easier
for some people that I know?
And sometimes I just scream out loud
although it seems in vain,
but often it gets harder each day
to deal with all this pain.
And then it dawned on me
as I realize how simple could it be.
I wonder why I was so blind
that I truly did not see.
It must have been a lightning bolt
that one day gave me light,
Cause out of the clear blue sky,
I finally regained my sight.
I saw a fluffy white cloud
shaped like an Angel dear.
That helped me to understand
and see things oh so clear,
That when I saw no footprints
and so often wondered why,
My Lord carried me on Angel wings,
when He decided to fly.
(by LyndyAngel)
Anyway, back to what was said by some and then to what was said by me....
Some people commented that they felt like there can't be 'a God' because why would anyone want to do this to us, what did we do to deserve this 'hell' and pain. Some people believe that it is a beautiful fairytale that brings comfort to those who need it but really it's just that, a fairytale. But others felt the opposite, they felt like there must be a God, and that he must have really wanted their babies and had an amazing job for them. It made me ponder things and put my feelings into perspective and words. I think I've written some of this before but this is what I wrote to them and wish to share with you...
We are all entitled to our opinion and all grew up so differently. We all experienced TTTS in different ways too and it affected us differently. I grew up believing in a 'good' God...not the hellfire and brimstone kind, not the evil and sin sorta situation. More like God does amazing things for everyone and He has a purpose for us all. I had always wondered at people believing that God took those people home that He did because He had a special job for them. I, too, thought that it didn't seem right...why take a good person and leave a jerk here??? I have since come to believe, very strongly, that God's purpose in the whole grief and crisis journey is not about the person He takes, it's not about having a special job in Heaven for that person (though I do believe that He may give special jobs to people who are there). I believe that God is here, not for those that go before us but for those left behind and that the loss isn't about their job in Heaven but about our job on earth. I truly believe that Cole went ahead of us because there was a great purpose for me here on earth that I would need to feel this hurt, this pain, this brokeness to understand. I don't think God wants to cause us pain or wants to see us in pain. I don't believe, again, that it is about the person 'He takes from us' but rather about Him being here for us after that person is gone. I believe very strongly that I will see my son again...I believe very strongly that Cole and God guide me towards a goal...their goal. I am so very drawn to do and say things that I never was before and to me, this is my angel and my God speaking to me. I am sorry that others don't feel this way but I don't feel I am living in a fairytale...and if I am well...well at least it is a place of approaching peace and hope (I say approaching because there are still bitter moments and angry times but they grow less and less).
I've spent a lot of time talking about this subject with a few people both in person, online and on the phone lately. Some people truly support and agree with me, others look at me as if I have two heads. Some think what I say has merit (some even sent me personal messages to say thanks for this perspective) and others have shot me down. And guess what...I don't care either way. I am going to do what I feel drawn to do, I am going to be the person I feel God is pushing me to be. Do I want others to believe what I believe...no, not really. I mean I guess I'd like to think I am not alone in this thought process but what you believe is so truly personal that I don't believe we ever have a right to questions others beliefs. I do believe we have a job to share God with others and to help them see that He is there for them but is it my job to change people's minds about their religion, to convert them to mine...no way.
Something that I have stressed often though is that this is so very hard to get to, this place of peace, for some anyway. Actually it isn't the place of peace that comes first for me, it's the place of acceptance. It has taken me so long to accept that I just have no control over the major things that happen in my life. When we found out we were expecting the twins I was blown away...couldn't have seen that one coming for anything. I questioned why and how but came to a place of acceptance. When we lost Cole I questioned again and in all honesty I am not always done questioning. But right from the start I believed there was great purpose for this 'twinness' to come to my life, for Cole to be my son in Heaven and not on earth. I believed God had a plan for me, the mommy left behind. When I was in the very early stages of the loss..the first 3 months or so after he passed away...really before he was born, I was sure I knew part of the reason... I felt it MUST be to bring our family closer, to get Geoff and I working together better as parents etc. Each time that would blow up in my face, each time I would get a call from home that left me upset, angry, frustrated etc. I would question this plan or question myself. In time (okay in a very very long time) I came to realize that I just might not EVER understand fully this plan but I could accept it, I could take God into my heart and ask Him to help me get there, help me make good choices, help me be what He wants me to be...to guide me. I feel so drawn to helping others, so drawn to fundraising, raising awareness and now to writing my book. I am very certain that I was left behind for a reason and that part of this is the reason.
Incidentally, I am thinking of calling the book "The Ones Left Behind" but struggle with this since the first third of the book or so will be about the pregnancy and before the loss...but we'll see. And for those reading this who wonder what the heck I am talking about...I set a lofty goal for 2011...to turn this blog and other writing I've done into a book about our TTTS journey. So far it reads like letters to my boys but in adult tones. Some of it is conversation and interactions with others and others is just feelings, emotions and personal messages to them. I hope that it will all come together to show how much my boys have taught me and that being left behind with an angel watching out for you is a pretty amazing thing.
I'm going to leave this blog with another poem that was shared online in this same group...I really like it and think it captures just how I've come to feel about God...
No Footprints
I've listened to the "footprints" poem
a million times or more
Of how when only one set shows
upon the sandy shore
It is the Lord carrying us
and taking on our load
And His are the only set
of footprints that showed.
But what if when we look
there are no footprints to be found?
All we see is plain and simple
sand upon the ground.
No imprints showing that our Lord
is carrying us through life
Helping us when we feel
we can not handle all this strife.
Where is my Lord now that I've fallen
and can't seem to get back up?
So tired and lonely
trying to deal with what seems
an overflowing cup.
Where are those footprints
in the sand
to tell me He's right there?
Helping me with problems
and showing that He really does care.
Does He have favorites, OH NO,
please tell me that's not so!
By why does life seem easier
for some people that I know?
And sometimes I just scream out loud
although it seems in vain,
but often it gets harder each day
to deal with all this pain.
And then it dawned on me
as I realize how simple could it be.
I wonder why I was so blind
that I truly did not see.
It must have been a lightning bolt
that one day gave me light,
Cause out of the clear blue sky,
I finally regained my sight.
I saw a fluffy white cloud
shaped like an Angel dear.
That helped me to understand
and see things oh so clear,
That when I saw no footprints
and so often wondered why,
My Lord carried me on Angel wings,
when He decided to fly.
(by LyndyAngel)
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