My friend Melissa posted a blog about this song a few weeks ago and I loved the idea but didn't want to copy it. Then this week my cousin Debbie posted a link to this song on Facebook and so I felt compelled to write about it.
The House that Built Me - Miranda Lambert
I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine
Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
This song speaks to me on so many levels. There are so many days that I want to just go home, crawl into my old bed in my old room and, to be honest, cry. I just want to go back in time before the world got so difficult, so real and so painful. The problem with doing that is that I wouldn't get the experience the immense joy that my life has brought me thus far either. I do feel so broken somedays and I really do think time at home would help with the healing.
Time on the farm where I grew up....where I could run in the green pasture fields (careful of course to miss the cow patties) and see the cows. Where I chased the cows over the culvert while my cousins sat under it to listen to the cows over their heads. Where I played for hours the old barn that my great grandfather built in the 1850's (maybe that's great, great grandpa??). Where I built a fort above the insul-block shed and kept treasures up there. The place where we'd go for hikes to the bush or the old railway tracks and build a campfire and cook hobo dinners or better yet, collect sap in the spring and make maple syrup. It was a place where hard work happened too. I spent hours (okay my brothers would argue this point as they did WAY more work then me!) unloading loads of hay and straw and in my teen years, when I wanted a car to drive, I worked in the barn, milking the cows or feeding the cows and calves. It was hard work and I know I didn't always appreciate it (or the early mornings after a tough night out with friends LOL!) but I taught me so much...most especially a deep respect for my parents, for agriculture, for the places where our food comes from.
I definately spent more hours indoors than out though...let's be honest. My room changed a few times while growing up...as mom and dad added more kids to our family. My favourite room, believe it or not, was not the basement refuge I had in my late teens but the room upstairs that I had for the greatest part of my childhood. It was here that I spent hours doing my friends hair (the same friend who I spent hours and hours walking and talking with down the second concession of Culross township). I listened to music and dreamt of the life I'd have when I grew up and became a mom. I did hours of homework sprawled across the bed my parents had had since they were married (let's not go there as to how many of us kids likely began there!!!) and I wrote poem after poem in that room about life, about boyfriends and about the sadness I sometimes felt. I spent time crying in this room...when my grandma died when I was 9, when my cousin Cindy was killed when I was 13 (my first experience with death of someone young) and for a great many months, when my boyfriend Bill died of leukemia in 1992. I also spent hours writing, even then, about my faith and I travelled a long journey in my teen years as I struggled with how to celebrate my love for God and balance it with my typical teen behaviour of drinking, partying and dating.
This home is also where my boys found so much love and compassion when I was in the hospital for so many weeks. It is a very special place, owned by very special people.
But it isn't the only home that I had then...not the only home I have now. I was pondering the words to this song on my way to work this morning and realized that I think there are many times that I think that I've needed to come home to God's house too. The house of God that I grew up with does strange things to me too...when I go back to Teeswater United I have such vivid memories of growing up in the church community, of learning about God and his amazing miracles. But more than that I think that I just need to go back to God sometimes...
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
Wow that is so true about my faith, about me in the last 18 months, about me now. I do feel broken and that I need to start healing and that God can help me find myself. I am not sure who I am anymore. I have changed so very much since I lost Cole. For the better I am sure but even if that is the case...it is still so very hard to find me. I know that God will help me find myself, He will touch me, make me feel Him...he'll give me that memory from the house that built me...his house.
I want so bad, this week in particular, to not feel so broken, so lost, so, even still, angry at the loss of my son. I want to not miss him each and every day, I want to feel whole again and not this broken self who doesn't understand where she fits in.
So I open myself up to God and his house...help me with the memories of the good times, of the signs of your love, fix this broken me and show me that this has purpose.
And yes, in case you are wondering...it has been a crappy week or so full of what ifs, memories and sadness. I miss Cole so very much and wish that a visit to the house that built me (the Teeswater one) would take away this pain. Maybe I just need some really big hugs from the folks at the house and the town that built me.
Friday, June 4, 2010
A Fabulous Fundraising Event
Friday May 28th marked the first (of what I hope is an annual) fundraising event in Cole and Cameron's honour. A lot of work went into the event and some AMAZING donations came in from local businesses. We were completely blown away by the size of our silent auction table...88 items donated plus donations to a kids raffle table.
I'll post pictures first before giving the grand total as it stands right now.
Our event had a Retro Wedding theme...just to add something unique....and we were able to borrow this retro cake from a friend who owns a cake shop. We set up a display of photos of Cameron and Cole and info on our charity, Mt. Sinai Fetal Therapy Program.
Instead of a bride and groom we put one of the sets of these willow tree twin figurines that we've been given.
And sticking with our retro wedding themed event....here I am with my friend Emily in our wedding dresses. Her's is only 1 week old (congrats Emily and Mark). Mine is almost 10 years old (and 4 kids and a TON of stress later). I was so impressed that it fit!
Zack, our 7 year old, decided that he wanted to raise some money too so he decided that if he could raise $600 he would cut off all his beautiful curls!!!
Well at 9:30 that night he had raised $750 so off came the curls. We had some people who were so moved by this gesture of Zack's (including our amazing DJ) that they kept donating and by the end of the weekend there was $900 in Zack's haircut fund! We are so very proud of our son!!!
Geoff told him that if he raised more than this amount he would let him shave his head!!! Zack LOVED it!
In the end our event, to date, has raised over $3600 and that does not include the online donations that continue to come in to Mt. Sinai in honour of our sons (if you wish to make an online donation click here and chose a card in honour of Cameron and Cole Tummers and it will be credited towards our fundraiser)
Thank you so much everyone for all the amazing support!!!
I'll post pictures first before giving the grand total as it stands right now.
Our event had a Retro Wedding theme...just to add something unique....and we were able to borrow this retro cake from a friend who owns a cake shop. We set up a display of photos of Cameron and Cole and info on our charity, Mt. Sinai Fetal Therapy Program.
Instead of a bride and groom we put one of the sets of these willow tree twin figurines that we've been given.
And sticking with our retro wedding themed event....here I am with my friend Emily in our wedding dresses. Her's is only 1 week old (congrats Emily and Mark). Mine is almost 10 years old (and 4 kids and a TON of stress later). I was so impressed that it fit!
Zack, our 7 year old, decided that he wanted to raise some money too so he decided that if he could raise $600 he would cut off all his beautiful curls!!!
Well at 9:30 that night he had raised $750 so off came the curls. We had some people who were so moved by this gesture of Zack's (including our amazing DJ) that they kept donating and by the end of the weekend there was $900 in Zack's haircut fund! We are so very proud of our son!!!
Geoff told him that if he raised more than this amount he would let him shave his head!!! Zack LOVED it!
In the end our event, to date, has raised over $3600 and that does not include the online donations that continue to come in to Mt. Sinai in honour of our sons (if you wish to make an online donation click here and chose a card in honour of Cameron and Cole Tummers and it will be credited towards our fundraiser)
Thank you so much everyone for all the amazing support!!!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Deal With It
I follow the blog of a woman named Jennifer who was pregnant with spontaneous triplets….a fraternal and a pair of mono-di twins. I think I may have mentioned them before. I began following her blog after she posted something on facebook and I sent her a message because I was so moved by the feelings that came with reading her story. You see her TTTS story is so very different from mine, all of her babies survived the disease inutero but were born at 28 weeks. When I first encountered them the boys were 5.5 months old. Her fraternal and her recipient baby had been home from the hospital for months but her donor continued to struggle. At this point he had been given a tracheotomy and was breathing with the assistance of a ventilator through this. He struggled with his health and was still months away from coming home. His ‘twin’ brother was also struggling as it was apparent that he had brain damage and would likely have severe cerebral palsy. Thankfully the remaining baby seemed to be right on target in all areas.
I sent her a message to tell her how much their story moved me and how much it made me think. I was honest (though very diplomatic) in admitting that I always thought it was so hard to lose one or both of your babies to this horrible disease but reading her story made me realize that surviving it wasn’t all sunshine and roses either.
And then about 6 weeks after I began following their story devastation hit and their donor baby passed away from the complications of severe lung disease. I was amazed at the strength these parents showed, how absolutely dedicated they were to their faith, how honest they were and how much they did not let grief take over their lives.
I continue to watch their blog and was very moved by an entry she wrote last week as sleep evaded her and she dealt with the feelings about her grandfather’s very near death from cancer and how her mom is coping. She made me recall some of the feelings I had and have when people talk to me about how I cope, how strong I am and how I’ve accepted all the God has given me. And in four words… I Deal With It. In the words of Jennifer:
I dealt with it. I stood strong. I have faith in our God that he is home that he is where he is suppose to be. I have peace with this. Though my flesh yearns for his presence. My body aches to hold him. I feel like my mind is erasing him and every time I see his face in a picture the burning pain comes back. I shake it off and move on. I take care of my children. I do what I have to do. I don't drowned the pain in pills, cigarettes, massive quantities of alcohol. I'm not out getting high and I'm not sleeping my life away. I have something to live for. I have 3 children who need me. A husband who loves me and most important a God who loves me.
Things are different for us both…I do not have the daily stresses of raising a child with significant special needs but then again, I did not get to meet Cole, I did not hold his squirming body in my arms, I could not breath in his scent and I cannot picture him except to picture a mirror or Cameron. But I also did not have to watch him suffer, I did not have to run back and forth from the NICU for months and prepare mentally every few weeks that I may have to say goodbye to him. But we both deal with it and similarly we deal with it by turning to God to gain strength and writing about our sweet angels.
As Jennifer says, life sucks sometimes but it’s not a matter of bad luck or the injustices of the world. For me it’s about learning about myself and others through a long and hard journey, a rocky road to travel. When things get bad you have to turn to God and continue to praise him…it’s the only way to make any sense of it. When others say to me that they don’t know how I did it or that they wouldn’t have been able to do it…well I just shrug it off because I think “well what else could I do”. But I also think that I had so much to live for, so much good in the world and in my life that I can’t talk about the negative, the injustice, the sorrow. I can’t wonder what there is to live for because I know what there is to live for….they greet me with hugs each day and tell me how much they love me! And so I deal with it, I cope, I live with the Hope that I’ll see my son someday again. And I sing the praises of a Lord who gives us such amazing blessings, love and gifts. We are truly a blessed world!
I sent her a message to tell her how much their story moved me and how much it made me think. I was honest (though very diplomatic) in admitting that I always thought it was so hard to lose one or both of your babies to this horrible disease but reading her story made me realize that surviving it wasn’t all sunshine and roses either.
And then about 6 weeks after I began following their story devastation hit and their donor baby passed away from the complications of severe lung disease. I was amazed at the strength these parents showed, how absolutely dedicated they were to their faith, how honest they were and how much they did not let grief take over their lives.
I continue to watch their blog and was very moved by an entry she wrote last week as sleep evaded her and she dealt with the feelings about her grandfather’s very near death from cancer and how her mom is coping. She made me recall some of the feelings I had and have when people talk to me about how I cope, how strong I am and how I’ve accepted all the God has given me. And in four words… I Deal With It. In the words of Jennifer:
I dealt with it. I stood strong. I have faith in our God that he is home that he is where he is suppose to be. I have peace with this. Though my flesh yearns for his presence. My body aches to hold him. I feel like my mind is erasing him and every time I see his face in a picture the burning pain comes back. I shake it off and move on. I take care of my children. I do what I have to do. I don't drowned the pain in pills, cigarettes, massive quantities of alcohol. I'm not out getting high and I'm not sleeping my life away. I have something to live for. I have 3 children who need me. A husband who loves me and most important a God who loves me.
Things are different for us both…I do not have the daily stresses of raising a child with significant special needs but then again, I did not get to meet Cole, I did not hold his squirming body in my arms, I could not breath in his scent and I cannot picture him except to picture a mirror or Cameron. But I also did not have to watch him suffer, I did not have to run back and forth from the NICU for months and prepare mentally every few weeks that I may have to say goodbye to him. But we both deal with it and similarly we deal with it by turning to God to gain strength and writing about our sweet angels.
As Jennifer says, life sucks sometimes but it’s not a matter of bad luck or the injustices of the world. For me it’s about learning about myself and others through a long and hard journey, a rocky road to travel. When things get bad you have to turn to God and continue to praise him…it’s the only way to make any sense of it. When others say to me that they don’t know how I did it or that they wouldn’t have been able to do it…well I just shrug it off because I think “well what else could I do”. But I also think that I had so much to live for, so much good in the world and in my life that I can’t talk about the negative, the injustice, the sorrow. I can’t wonder what there is to live for because I know what there is to live for….they greet me with hugs each day and tell me how much they love me! And so I deal with it, I cope, I live with the Hope that I’ll see my son someday again. And I sing the praises of a Lord who gives us such amazing blessings, love and gifts. We are truly a blessed world!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Ordinary Days
My friend Melissa posted this amazing video on her blog of a woman reading from a book about the daily life of a mother. I was going to repost the video here but it's long and really I just wanted to comment on this part....
The Gift of an Ordinary Day by Katrina Kenison
If motherhood teaches us anything it is that we can't change our children, we can only change ourselves. So instead of wishing the children could be different somehow you spend each day trying to see what is already good in each of them and to love that.
My kids amaze me each and every day. Today Zack amazed me when he pulled out books and just stared reading to Brycen...just for fun, just because he could. Now Brycen, he amazed me for his internal knowledge of just how much Mommy needed a hug after I got home from Cameron's surgery. That and his hilarious comment about the water that came into the basement during this crazy rainstorm we had.... we were talking about the need to 'suck it up' (with the shop vac) when Brycen told us he could suck it up. When asked how, he answered 'with my mouf silly'. He amazes me with his ability to make me laugh!
Cameron amazed me today with his endurance after his surgery...he was so very agitated after the surgery and he became so upset that they had to give him sedatives. He fought and fought for 2 hours before he finally succumbed to sleep and during that time he amazed me with his ability to give me what I needed to see and feel most...the ordinary little boy I love so much...his usual laughter, usual babble, usual busy-ness and usual snuggles and love.
Ordinary days are really the best...and after months and months of un-ordinary days I think I can appreciate those moments so much more. Normal is good, ordinary is even better!
There are days that I do wish my kids could be different...that they could listen better, use quieter and gentler voices and not complain about all they things kids complain about...the food I cook, the toys we don't have, the things we don't do and the things they have to do. But I think I remember more than some, appreciate more than some, that celebrating what they are doing is so much more important.
This Mother's Day I am determined to celebrate the joy my kids bring me, the joy that being a mom brings me. I want to remember all those ordinary moments, cherish the joy that they bring me and remember how easily it can all be taken away. I know that many mom's of angels can relate when I say that Mother's Day is one of those brutally bittersweet days where you celebrate the joy that being a mom brings you and yet at the same time you are so painfully aware that one of your children is celebrating Mother's Day in Heaven.
So today I am promising myself that I will try harder to not wish my kids could be different....that I could change them somehow and instead look at them and celebrate all that is good and wonderful about all 4 of them. I am promising that no matter how frustrated I am with Zack, Brycen and Cameron I will remember the struggles we've had to have this family intact the way it is. I will also remember that although I wish with all my heart that my fourth child could be here and that I could change that situation, I also must find good in it too and love it just the same. I am who I am today because of all of my kids but most especially because of Cole and I will do what I can to honour him by seeing the good in his brothers and not trying to change anything about them or about him and his journey.
Happy Mother's Day everyone!
The Gift of an Ordinary Day by Katrina Kenison
If motherhood teaches us anything it is that we can't change our children, we can only change ourselves. So instead of wishing the children could be different somehow you spend each day trying to see what is already good in each of them and to love that.
My kids amaze me each and every day. Today Zack amazed me when he pulled out books and just stared reading to Brycen...just for fun, just because he could. Now Brycen, he amazed me for his internal knowledge of just how much Mommy needed a hug after I got home from Cameron's surgery. That and his hilarious comment about the water that came into the basement during this crazy rainstorm we had.... we were talking about the need to 'suck it up' (with the shop vac) when Brycen told us he could suck it up. When asked how, he answered 'with my mouf silly'. He amazes me with his ability to make me laugh!
Cameron amazed me today with his endurance after his surgery...he was so very agitated after the surgery and he became so upset that they had to give him sedatives. He fought and fought for 2 hours before he finally succumbed to sleep and during that time he amazed me with his ability to give me what I needed to see and feel most...the ordinary little boy I love so much...his usual laughter, usual babble, usual busy-ness and usual snuggles and love.
Ordinary days are really the best...and after months and months of un-ordinary days I think I can appreciate those moments so much more. Normal is good, ordinary is even better!
There are days that I do wish my kids could be different...that they could listen better, use quieter and gentler voices and not complain about all they things kids complain about...the food I cook, the toys we don't have, the things we don't do and the things they have to do. But I think I remember more than some, appreciate more than some, that celebrating what they are doing is so much more important.
This Mother's Day I am determined to celebrate the joy my kids bring me, the joy that being a mom brings me. I want to remember all those ordinary moments, cherish the joy that they bring me and remember how easily it can all be taken away. I know that many mom's of angels can relate when I say that Mother's Day is one of those brutally bittersweet days where you celebrate the joy that being a mom brings you and yet at the same time you are so painfully aware that one of your children is celebrating Mother's Day in Heaven.
So today I am promising myself that I will try harder to not wish my kids could be different....that I could change them somehow and instead look at them and celebrate all that is good and wonderful about all 4 of them. I am promising that no matter how frustrated I am with Zack, Brycen and Cameron I will remember the struggles we've had to have this family intact the way it is. I will also remember that although I wish with all my heart that my fourth child could be here and that I could change that situation, I also must find good in it too and love it just the same. I am who I am today because of all of my kids but most especially because of Cole and I will do what I can to honour him by seeing the good in his brothers and not trying to change anything about them or about him and his journey.
Happy Mother's Day everyone!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Amazed!
Amazed…have you ever really appreciated that word for all that it can mean. I mean truly and utterly amazed. The dictionary defines it as
1. To affect with great wonder; astonish
2. To bewilder; perplex
3. filled with the emotional impact of overwhelming surprise or shock
My life has caused me many occasions to be filled great wonder and astonishment and most certainly to be bewildered and perplexed. But right now amazement is coming in the form of being filled with the
emotional impact of overwhelming surprise or shock.
I have just spent the last little while finally printing off the pages from our caring bridge site that we used during the time I spent in hospital keeping Cameron safe inside and coping with the loss of Cole as best I could. I decided to print the guest book as well and that is where the AMAZED feeling came in. Do you want to guess how many pages were there….how many entries??? 95 pages…NINETY FIVE!!!! And as I read them over I was amazed and filled with emotion. (and just to put it into perspective, the entries I made..that were typical of me, wordy, totaled about 60 pages when printed). Reading what I wrote in the journal is hard and emotional but it doesn’t begin to touch on the feelings I get when I read what people wrote to me. People who love me and can care for me and my family spoke about how much my writing affected them…but those who hardly know me touched me almost as much. I can’t even begin to cut and paste the ones the touched me the most…there are just so many. I am so truly blessed to have had so many great supporters. The words that were shared with me are…well amazing. Encouragement, prayers, stories and updates and most importantly words of love and support. Wow…just nothing else I can write about it and that says so much in itself!
The journey seems so long ago now…well that part of it anyway. But the amazement…that just never goes away. I am amazed in the bewilder and perplexed manner too much still…..I still can’t understand why this happened to us and why it’s so hard to let go of. I don’t think that part is ever going to go away, the hurt has diminished…that I will admit. Now it’s just kind of dull ache that comes on most when I read things like this, see ultrasound pictures of them both and share our story. There’s a hint of sadness in everything I do and some days I just hate that and other days It’s just a wonderful reminder of the son who has given us so much.
Most of all I am amazed in the great wonder and astonishment sense though. My family and friends amaze me with their support for us in our fundraising efforts. I can’t wait for the event, I can’t wait to share the joy and hope that Mt. Sinai gave us with others. I can’t wait to be amazed at the dollar value on the big cheque that we will present to Dr. Ryan.
And when I read the guestbook entries I continue to be amazed at how many people care, comment, know our story and supported us… and continue to do so. When I have a bad day and reveal it, someone is always there to help me pick up the pieces. Some of the most amazing supporters who amaze me the most are the other TTTS moms like me. Now that is an amazing group of women.
And I guess I would be lying if I don’t’ admit that I amaze myself too…in both the great wonder and astonishment kind of way and the bewilder and shock kind of way. I read the things I wrote and I think…wow, I can really write and express myself. I think, wow, how did I survive that intact and sane. I think, wow, I really impacted a lot of lives. And I am amazed at my continuing desire to help and serve God through what I truly feel is His plan for me in all of this…to share my story, my journey of faith through it, my ability to help others and raise funds and awareness and to grow and be stronger.
But most of all I am amazed at the amazing little boys that Cameron and Cole are. Cameron has survived so much and is just such wonderful, joyful child to be around. And to me, that is a testament to who Cole is as well…there is so much to Cameron that I know for certain that Cole lives there inside of him too. And tomorrow, as Cameron goes under anesthetic (for tubes in his ears) I know that the amazing child that is my Cole will protect his brother and keep him safe. I am so very blessed to have this reminders of God’s amazing miracles!
P.S. I’ve been told I should write a book and I just might do that….but have no idea where to go with that so any comments or recommendations…well they are totally appreciated!
1. To affect with great wonder; astonish
2. To bewilder; perplex
3. filled with the emotional impact of overwhelming surprise or shock
My life has caused me many occasions to be filled great wonder and astonishment and most certainly to be bewildered and perplexed. But right now amazement is coming in the form of being filled with the
emotional impact of overwhelming surprise or shock.
I have just spent the last little while finally printing off the pages from our caring bridge site that we used during the time I spent in hospital keeping Cameron safe inside and coping with the loss of Cole as best I could. I decided to print the guest book as well and that is where the AMAZED feeling came in. Do you want to guess how many pages were there….how many entries??? 95 pages…NINETY FIVE!!!! And as I read them over I was amazed and filled with emotion. (and just to put it into perspective, the entries I made..that were typical of me, wordy, totaled about 60 pages when printed). Reading what I wrote in the journal is hard and emotional but it doesn’t begin to touch on the feelings I get when I read what people wrote to me. People who love me and can care for me and my family spoke about how much my writing affected them…but those who hardly know me touched me almost as much. I can’t even begin to cut and paste the ones the touched me the most…there are just so many. I am so truly blessed to have had so many great supporters. The words that were shared with me are…well amazing. Encouragement, prayers, stories and updates and most importantly words of love and support. Wow…just nothing else I can write about it and that says so much in itself!
The journey seems so long ago now…well that part of it anyway. But the amazement…that just never goes away. I am amazed in the bewilder and perplexed manner too much still…..I still can’t understand why this happened to us and why it’s so hard to let go of. I don’t think that part is ever going to go away, the hurt has diminished…that I will admit. Now it’s just kind of dull ache that comes on most when I read things like this, see ultrasound pictures of them both and share our story. There’s a hint of sadness in everything I do and some days I just hate that and other days It’s just a wonderful reminder of the son who has given us so much.
Most of all I am amazed in the great wonder and astonishment sense though. My family and friends amaze me with their support for us in our fundraising efforts. I can’t wait for the event, I can’t wait to share the joy and hope that Mt. Sinai gave us with others. I can’t wait to be amazed at the dollar value on the big cheque that we will present to Dr. Ryan.
And when I read the guestbook entries I continue to be amazed at how many people care, comment, know our story and supported us… and continue to do so. When I have a bad day and reveal it, someone is always there to help me pick up the pieces. Some of the most amazing supporters who amaze me the most are the other TTTS moms like me. Now that is an amazing group of women.
And I guess I would be lying if I don’t’ admit that I amaze myself too…in both the great wonder and astonishment kind of way and the bewilder and shock kind of way. I read the things I wrote and I think…wow, I can really write and express myself. I think, wow, how did I survive that intact and sane. I think, wow, I really impacted a lot of lives. And I am amazed at my continuing desire to help and serve God through what I truly feel is His plan for me in all of this…to share my story, my journey of faith through it, my ability to help others and raise funds and awareness and to grow and be stronger.
But most of all I am amazed at the amazing little boys that Cameron and Cole are. Cameron has survived so much and is just such wonderful, joyful child to be around. And to me, that is a testament to who Cole is as well…there is so much to Cameron that I know for certain that Cole lives there inside of him too. And tomorrow, as Cameron goes under anesthetic (for tubes in his ears) I know that the amazing child that is my Cole will protect his brother and keep him safe. I am so very blessed to have this reminders of God’s amazing miracles!
P.S. I’ve been told I should write a book and I just might do that….but have no idea where to go with that so any comments or recommendations…well they are totally appreciated!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tiny Footprints
A friend shared this poem on facebook and it really struck a chord with me. I've been thinking of Cole a lot lately...the days of wondering what if are back again. Cameron is so very busy, so very happy and excited and full of energy lately and I really find myself wondering what it would be like to be chasing two of them around. I saw my friends set of twin boys playing in the front yard the other night as we went for a walk and I just teared up. It's just so darn hard some days. Another wonderful friend wrote about me the other day on her blog. She told our story and pointed out that being 'just another mom' can be so much more, that experienced moms will say they've seen it all and in the last 2 years I have gained more experience than most will in a lifetime. I just wish I wasn't joined by so many other TTTS moms in gaining this experience and I wish gaining the experience didn't have to hurt so much.
And yet at the same time I know that I wouldn't take away this experience for anything....
These are My Footprints
"These are my footprints, so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears, of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in mummy's heart,
cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part."
My cousin Debbie once told me that those moments that choke me up the most are the moments when Cole is saying hi. Just like the footprints I can hear in the rain are my angels tears.
Missing you today, this day filled with daffodils and tulips picked by your brothers, bike rides and stroller rides and sloppy sweet baby kisses, missing you so sweet angel boy.
And yet at the same time I know that I wouldn't take away this experience for anything....
These are My Footprints
"These are my footprints, so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears, of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in mummy's heart,
cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part."
My cousin Debbie once told me that those moments that choke me up the most are the moments when Cole is saying hi. Just like the footprints I can hear in the rain are my angels tears.
Missing you today, this day filled with daffodils and tulips picked by your brothers, bike rides and stroller rides and sloppy sweet baby kisses, missing you so sweet angel boy.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Mean Girls
Today’s entry isn’t really about me or about my journey though I am sure I’ll relate it in there somehow!!!
As my title indicates, this one is about mean girls, mean people really.
We’ve been having troubles with this issue with a group of girls at my school. They seem to think they can just leave one girl out, ignore her, tell her not to follow them, talk about her and then tattle on her when she gets fed up and says something back. Why young girls behave this way is beyond me, I was never a young girl??? Actually I was never like this as a child and might add that I am VERY happy that I have all boys!!!
But as a young child I did do things that weren’t always nice and then felt horrible about it and within minutes was trying to fix the situation. I think I still do that now….I am always the one who apologizes first, always the one who stews about something for days only to find out the other person completely forgot about it.
So back to my girls…. We talked to them about whether it was ever okay to be mean. And of course, being the good catholic school that it is, we talked about whether God is happy when people are mean. Of course the kids answered no. But then we talked about whether meanness happened in the bible. Not surprisingly, the kids said that no one was mean in the bible….that should be the answer right??? We spent some time talking about people who were mean in the bible and what God and Jesus thought about that….and what Jesus taught them about this.
But the most important part of the discussion was yet to come…and is the reason for the entry. We talked about whether adults are ever mean and pointed out that mean girls become mean woman….the kind of person no one admires, no one really respects but often the person everyone is somewhat afraid of. Would you really want that to be you? Is that you?
I’d love to say that’s never me but the truth is I am human. I do say horrible things sometimes, I do things that aren’t the way a good person, most especially a good Christian, should behave. Sometimes I hate myself for the things that come out of my mouth, for the actions that I have. Tonight was one of those nights. I couldn’t get over how hard it is sometimes to stop the crap from coming out and from stopping the anger that comes so easily. But as I said before, I am the kind of person who, most often, feels immediately bad about my actions and needs to apologize…even if I am not the only one at fault.
Don’t you just wish that everyone behaved this way or better yet, lived the good Christian life and didn’t do the ‘meanies’ in the first place. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful world? Wouldn’t it be great if no one said things to upset us, no one hurt our feelings or left us out. There are so many times that I have felt left out, especially in the last 18 months or so. So many times things have been said that have hurt me, or maybe NOT said that have hurt me too. Mean people exist everywhere, mean girls become mean woman and there is no way to live in a mean free bubble. But forgiveness, now there’s a God given gift that is so valuable. Being a person who can forgive easily….well that’ s not me all the time. I am trying and have, most certainly, come leaps and bounds in this area.
I’d like to think I am the kind of person that people would look at and never say ‘now that’s a mean girl’ and I’m pretty sure I am okay there. But I know I am not a person that people would say forgives well, moves on well, treats everyone kindly all the time and is full of respect for all. I’m not okay with the person I am sometimes but I know that I am trying and know that a mean girl I am not.
As my title indicates, this one is about mean girls, mean people really.
We’ve been having troubles with this issue with a group of girls at my school. They seem to think they can just leave one girl out, ignore her, tell her not to follow them, talk about her and then tattle on her when she gets fed up and says something back. Why young girls behave this way is beyond me, I was never a young girl??? Actually I was never like this as a child and might add that I am VERY happy that I have all boys!!!
But as a young child I did do things that weren’t always nice and then felt horrible about it and within minutes was trying to fix the situation. I think I still do that now….I am always the one who apologizes first, always the one who stews about something for days only to find out the other person completely forgot about it.
So back to my girls…. We talked to them about whether it was ever okay to be mean. And of course, being the good catholic school that it is, we talked about whether God is happy when people are mean. Of course the kids answered no. But then we talked about whether meanness happened in the bible. Not surprisingly, the kids said that no one was mean in the bible….that should be the answer right??? We spent some time talking about people who were mean in the bible and what God and Jesus thought about that….and what Jesus taught them about this.
But the most important part of the discussion was yet to come…and is the reason for the entry. We talked about whether adults are ever mean and pointed out that mean girls become mean woman….the kind of person no one admires, no one really respects but often the person everyone is somewhat afraid of. Would you really want that to be you? Is that you?
I’d love to say that’s never me but the truth is I am human. I do say horrible things sometimes, I do things that aren’t the way a good person, most especially a good Christian, should behave. Sometimes I hate myself for the things that come out of my mouth, for the actions that I have. Tonight was one of those nights. I couldn’t get over how hard it is sometimes to stop the crap from coming out and from stopping the anger that comes so easily. But as I said before, I am the kind of person who, most often, feels immediately bad about my actions and needs to apologize…even if I am not the only one at fault.
Don’t you just wish that everyone behaved this way or better yet, lived the good Christian life and didn’t do the ‘meanies’ in the first place. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful world? Wouldn’t it be great if no one said things to upset us, no one hurt our feelings or left us out. There are so many times that I have felt left out, especially in the last 18 months or so. So many times things have been said that have hurt me, or maybe NOT said that have hurt me too. Mean people exist everywhere, mean girls become mean woman and there is no way to live in a mean free bubble. But forgiveness, now there’s a God given gift that is so valuable. Being a person who can forgive easily….well that’ s not me all the time. I am trying and have, most certainly, come leaps and bounds in this area.
I’d like to think I am the kind of person that people would look at and never say ‘now that’s a mean girl’ and I’m pretty sure I am okay there. But I know I am not a person that people would say forgives well, moves on well, treats everyone kindly all the time and is full of respect for all. I’m not okay with the person I am sometimes but I know that I am trying and know that a mean girl I am not.
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