I follow the blog of a woman named Jennifer who was pregnant with spontaneous triplets….a fraternal and a pair of mono-di twins. I think I may have mentioned them before. I began following her blog after she posted something on facebook and I sent her a message because I was so moved by the feelings that came with reading her story. You see her TTTS story is so very different from mine, all of her babies survived the disease inutero but were born at 28 weeks. When I first encountered them the boys were 5.5 months old. Her fraternal and her recipient baby had been home from the hospital for months but her donor continued to struggle. At this point he had been given a tracheotomy and was breathing with the assistance of a ventilator through this. He struggled with his health and was still months away from coming home. His ‘twin’ brother was also struggling as it was apparent that he had brain damage and would likely have severe cerebral palsy. Thankfully the remaining baby seemed to be right on target in all areas.
I sent her a message to tell her how much their story moved me and how much it made me think. I was honest (though very diplomatic) in admitting that I always thought it was so hard to lose one or both of your babies to this horrible disease but reading her story made me realize that surviving it wasn’t all sunshine and roses either.
And then about 6 weeks after I began following their story devastation hit and their donor baby passed away from the complications of severe lung disease. I was amazed at the strength these parents showed, how absolutely dedicated they were to their faith, how honest they were and how much they did not let grief take over their lives.
I continue to watch their blog and was very moved by an entry she wrote last week as sleep evaded her and she dealt with the feelings about her grandfather’s very near death from cancer and how her mom is coping. She made me recall some of the feelings I had and have when people talk to me about how I cope, how strong I am and how I’ve accepted all the God has given me. And in four words… I Deal With It. In the words of Jennifer:
I dealt with it. I stood strong. I have faith in our God that he is home that he is where he is suppose to be. I have peace with this. Though my flesh yearns for his presence. My body aches to hold him. I feel like my mind is erasing him and every time I see his face in a picture the burning pain comes back. I shake it off and move on. I take care of my children. I do what I have to do. I don't drowned the pain in pills, cigarettes, massive quantities of alcohol. I'm not out getting high and I'm not sleeping my life away. I have something to live for. I have 3 children who need me. A husband who loves me and most important a God who loves me.
Things are different for us both…I do not have the daily stresses of raising a child with significant special needs but then again, I did not get to meet Cole, I did not hold his squirming body in my arms, I could not breath in his scent and I cannot picture him except to picture a mirror or Cameron. But I also did not have to watch him suffer, I did not have to run back and forth from the NICU for months and prepare mentally every few weeks that I may have to say goodbye to him. But we both deal with it and similarly we deal with it by turning to God to gain strength and writing about our sweet angels.
As Jennifer says, life sucks sometimes but it’s not a matter of bad luck or the injustices of the world. For me it’s about learning about myself and others through a long and hard journey, a rocky road to travel. When things get bad you have to turn to God and continue to praise him…it’s the only way to make any sense of it. When others say to me that they don’t know how I did it or that they wouldn’t have been able to do it…well I just shrug it off because I think “well what else could I do”. But I also think that I had so much to live for, so much good in the world and in my life that I can’t talk about the negative, the injustice, the sorrow. I can’t wonder what there is to live for because I know what there is to live for….they greet me with hugs each day and tell me how much they love me! And so I deal with it, I cope, I live with the Hope that I’ll see my son someday again. And I sing the praises of a Lord who gives us such amazing blessings, love and gifts. We are truly a blessed world!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Ordinary Days
My friend Melissa posted this amazing video on her blog of a woman reading from a book about the daily life of a mother. I was going to repost the video here but it's long and really I just wanted to comment on this part....
The Gift of an Ordinary Day by Katrina Kenison
If motherhood teaches us anything it is that we can't change our children, we can only change ourselves. So instead of wishing the children could be different somehow you spend each day trying to see what is already good in each of them and to love that.
My kids amaze me each and every day. Today Zack amazed me when he pulled out books and just stared reading to Brycen...just for fun, just because he could. Now Brycen, he amazed me for his internal knowledge of just how much Mommy needed a hug after I got home from Cameron's surgery. That and his hilarious comment about the water that came into the basement during this crazy rainstorm we had.... we were talking about the need to 'suck it up' (with the shop vac) when Brycen told us he could suck it up. When asked how, he answered 'with my mouf silly'. He amazes me with his ability to make me laugh!
Cameron amazed me today with his endurance after his surgery...he was so very agitated after the surgery and he became so upset that they had to give him sedatives. He fought and fought for 2 hours before he finally succumbed to sleep and during that time he amazed me with his ability to give me what I needed to see and feel most...the ordinary little boy I love so much...his usual laughter, usual babble, usual busy-ness and usual snuggles and love.
Ordinary days are really the best...and after months and months of un-ordinary days I think I can appreciate those moments so much more. Normal is good, ordinary is even better!
There are days that I do wish my kids could be different...that they could listen better, use quieter and gentler voices and not complain about all they things kids complain about...the food I cook, the toys we don't have, the things we don't do and the things they have to do. But I think I remember more than some, appreciate more than some, that celebrating what they are doing is so much more important.
This Mother's Day I am determined to celebrate the joy my kids bring me, the joy that being a mom brings me. I want to remember all those ordinary moments, cherish the joy that they bring me and remember how easily it can all be taken away. I know that many mom's of angels can relate when I say that Mother's Day is one of those brutally bittersweet days where you celebrate the joy that being a mom brings you and yet at the same time you are so painfully aware that one of your children is celebrating Mother's Day in Heaven.
So today I am promising myself that I will try harder to not wish my kids could be different....that I could change them somehow and instead look at them and celebrate all that is good and wonderful about all 4 of them. I am promising that no matter how frustrated I am with Zack, Brycen and Cameron I will remember the struggles we've had to have this family intact the way it is. I will also remember that although I wish with all my heart that my fourth child could be here and that I could change that situation, I also must find good in it too and love it just the same. I am who I am today because of all of my kids but most especially because of Cole and I will do what I can to honour him by seeing the good in his brothers and not trying to change anything about them or about him and his journey.
Happy Mother's Day everyone!
The Gift of an Ordinary Day by Katrina Kenison
If motherhood teaches us anything it is that we can't change our children, we can only change ourselves. So instead of wishing the children could be different somehow you spend each day trying to see what is already good in each of them and to love that.
My kids amaze me each and every day. Today Zack amazed me when he pulled out books and just stared reading to Brycen...just for fun, just because he could. Now Brycen, he amazed me for his internal knowledge of just how much Mommy needed a hug after I got home from Cameron's surgery. That and his hilarious comment about the water that came into the basement during this crazy rainstorm we had.... we were talking about the need to 'suck it up' (with the shop vac) when Brycen told us he could suck it up. When asked how, he answered 'with my mouf silly'. He amazes me with his ability to make me laugh!
Cameron amazed me today with his endurance after his surgery...he was so very agitated after the surgery and he became so upset that they had to give him sedatives. He fought and fought for 2 hours before he finally succumbed to sleep and during that time he amazed me with his ability to give me what I needed to see and feel most...the ordinary little boy I love so much...his usual laughter, usual babble, usual busy-ness and usual snuggles and love.
Ordinary days are really the best...and after months and months of un-ordinary days I think I can appreciate those moments so much more. Normal is good, ordinary is even better!
There are days that I do wish my kids could be different...that they could listen better, use quieter and gentler voices and not complain about all they things kids complain about...the food I cook, the toys we don't have, the things we don't do and the things they have to do. But I think I remember more than some, appreciate more than some, that celebrating what they are doing is so much more important.
This Mother's Day I am determined to celebrate the joy my kids bring me, the joy that being a mom brings me. I want to remember all those ordinary moments, cherish the joy that they bring me and remember how easily it can all be taken away. I know that many mom's of angels can relate when I say that Mother's Day is one of those brutally bittersweet days where you celebrate the joy that being a mom brings you and yet at the same time you are so painfully aware that one of your children is celebrating Mother's Day in Heaven.
So today I am promising myself that I will try harder to not wish my kids could be different....that I could change them somehow and instead look at them and celebrate all that is good and wonderful about all 4 of them. I am promising that no matter how frustrated I am with Zack, Brycen and Cameron I will remember the struggles we've had to have this family intact the way it is. I will also remember that although I wish with all my heart that my fourth child could be here and that I could change that situation, I also must find good in it too and love it just the same. I am who I am today because of all of my kids but most especially because of Cole and I will do what I can to honour him by seeing the good in his brothers and not trying to change anything about them or about him and his journey.
Happy Mother's Day everyone!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Amazed!
Amazed…have you ever really appreciated that word for all that it can mean. I mean truly and utterly amazed. The dictionary defines it as
1. To affect with great wonder; astonish
2. To bewilder; perplex
3. filled with the emotional impact of overwhelming surprise or shock
My life has caused me many occasions to be filled great wonder and astonishment and most certainly to be bewildered and perplexed. But right now amazement is coming in the form of being filled with the
emotional impact of overwhelming surprise or shock.
I have just spent the last little while finally printing off the pages from our caring bridge site that we used during the time I spent in hospital keeping Cameron safe inside and coping with the loss of Cole as best I could. I decided to print the guest book as well and that is where the AMAZED feeling came in. Do you want to guess how many pages were there….how many entries??? 95 pages…NINETY FIVE!!!! And as I read them over I was amazed and filled with emotion. (and just to put it into perspective, the entries I made..that were typical of me, wordy, totaled about 60 pages when printed). Reading what I wrote in the journal is hard and emotional but it doesn’t begin to touch on the feelings I get when I read what people wrote to me. People who love me and can care for me and my family spoke about how much my writing affected them…but those who hardly know me touched me almost as much. I can’t even begin to cut and paste the ones the touched me the most…there are just so many. I am so truly blessed to have had so many great supporters. The words that were shared with me are…well amazing. Encouragement, prayers, stories and updates and most importantly words of love and support. Wow…just nothing else I can write about it and that says so much in itself!
The journey seems so long ago now…well that part of it anyway. But the amazement…that just never goes away. I am amazed in the bewilder and perplexed manner too much still…..I still can’t understand why this happened to us and why it’s so hard to let go of. I don’t think that part is ever going to go away, the hurt has diminished…that I will admit. Now it’s just kind of dull ache that comes on most when I read things like this, see ultrasound pictures of them both and share our story. There’s a hint of sadness in everything I do and some days I just hate that and other days It’s just a wonderful reminder of the son who has given us so much.
Most of all I am amazed in the great wonder and astonishment sense though. My family and friends amaze me with their support for us in our fundraising efforts. I can’t wait for the event, I can’t wait to share the joy and hope that Mt. Sinai gave us with others. I can’t wait to be amazed at the dollar value on the big cheque that we will present to Dr. Ryan.
And when I read the guestbook entries I continue to be amazed at how many people care, comment, know our story and supported us… and continue to do so. When I have a bad day and reveal it, someone is always there to help me pick up the pieces. Some of the most amazing supporters who amaze me the most are the other TTTS moms like me. Now that is an amazing group of women.
And I guess I would be lying if I don’t’ admit that I amaze myself too…in both the great wonder and astonishment kind of way and the bewilder and shock kind of way. I read the things I wrote and I think…wow, I can really write and express myself. I think, wow, how did I survive that intact and sane. I think, wow, I really impacted a lot of lives. And I am amazed at my continuing desire to help and serve God through what I truly feel is His plan for me in all of this…to share my story, my journey of faith through it, my ability to help others and raise funds and awareness and to grow and be stronger.
But most of all I am amazed at the amazing little boys that Cameron and Cole are. Cameron has survived so much and is just such wonderful, joyful child to be around. And to me, that is a testament to who Cole is as well…there is so much to Cameron that I know for certain that Cole lives there inside of him too. And tomorrow, as Cameron goes under anesthetic (for tubes in his ears) I know that the amazing child that is my Cole will protect his brother and keep him safe. I am so very blessed to have this reminders of God’s amazing miracles!
P.S. I’ve been told I should write a book and I just might do that….but have no idea where to go with that so any comments or recommendations…well they are totally appreciated!
1. To affect with great wonder; astonish
2. To bewilder; perplex
3. filled with the emotional impact of overwhelming surprise or shock
My life has caused me many occasions to be filled great wonder and astonishment and most certainly to be bewildered and perplexed. But right now amazement is coming in the form of being filled with the
emotional impact of overwhelming surprise or shock.
I have just spent the last little while finally printing off the pages from our caring bridge site that we used during the time I spent in hospital keeping Cameron safe inside and coping with the loss of Cole as best I could. I decided to print the guest book as well and that is where the AMAZED feeling came in. Do you want to guess how many pages were there….how many entries??? 95 pages…NINETY FIVE!!!! And as I read them over I was amazed and filled with emotion. (and just to put it into perspective, the entries I made..that were typical of me, wordy, totaled about 60 pages when printed). Reading what I wrote in the journal is hard and emotional but it doesn’t begin to touch on the feelings I get when I read what people wrote to me. People who love me and can care for me and my family spoke about how much my writing affected them…but those who hardly know me touched me almost as much. I can’t even begin to cut and paste the ones the touched me the most…there are just so many. I am so truly blessed to have had so many great supporters. The words that were shared with me are…well amazing. Encouragement, prayers, stories and updates and most importantly words of love and support. Wow…just nothing else I can write about it and that says so much in itself!
The journey seems so long ago now…well that part of it anyway. But the amazement…that just never goes away. I am amazed in the bewilder and perplexed manner too much still…..I still can’t understand why this happened to us and why it’s so hard to let go of. I don’t think that part is ever going to go away, the hurt has diminished…that I will admit. Now it’s just kind of dull ache that comes on most when I read things like this, see ultrasound pictures of them both and share our story. There’s a hint of sadness in everything I do and some days I just hate that and other days It’s just a wonderful reminder of the son who has given us so much.
Most of all I am amazed in the great wonder and astonishment sense though. My family and friends amaze me with their support for us in our fundraising efforts. I can’t wait for the event, I can’t wait to share the joy and hope that Mt. Sinai gave us with others. I can’t wait to be amazed at the dollar value on the big cheque that we will present to Dr. Ryan.
And when I read the guestbook entries I continue to be amazed at how many people care, comment, know our story and supported us… and continue to do so. When I have a bad day and reveal it, someone is always there to help me pick up the pieces. Some of the most amazing supporters who amaze me the most are the other TTTS moms like me. Now that is an amazing group of women.
And I guess I would be lying if I don’t’ admit that I amaze myself too…in both the great wonder and astonishment kind of way and the bewilder and shock kind of way. I read the things I wrote and I think…wow, I can really write and express myself. I think, wow, how did I survive that intact and sane. I think, wow, I really impacted a lot of lives. And I am amazed at my continuing desire to help and serve God through what I truly feel is His plan for me in all of this…to share my story, my journey of faith through it, my ability to help others and raise funds and awareness and to grow and be stronger.
But most of all I am amazed at the amazing little boys that Cameron and Cole are. Cameron has survived so much and is just such wonderful, joyful child to be around. And to me, that is a testament to who Cole is as well…there is so much to Cameron that I know for certain that Cole lives there inside of him too. And tomorrow, as Cameron goes under anesthetic (for tubes in his ears) I know that the amazing child that is my Cole will protect his brother and keep him safe. I am so very blessed to have this reminders of God’s amazing miracles!
P.S. I’ve been told I should write a book and I just might do that….but have no idea where to go with that so any comments or recommendations…well they are totally appreciated!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Tiny Footprints
A friend shared this poem on facebook and it really struck a chord with me. I've been thinking of Cole a lot lately...the days of wondering what if are back again. Cameron is so very busy, so very happy and excited and full of energy lately and I really find myself wondering what it would be like to be chasing two of them around. I saw my friends set of twin boys playing in the front yard the other night as we went for a walk and I just teared up. It's just so darn hard some days. Another wonderful friend wrote about me the other day on her blog. She told our story and pointed out that being 'just another mom' can be so much more, that experienced moms will say they've seen it all and in the last 2 years I have gained more experience than most will in a lifetime. I just wish I wasn't joined by so many other TTTS moms in gaining this experience and I wish gaining the experience didn't have to hurt so much.
And yet at the same time I know that I wouldn't take away this experience for anything....
These are My Footprints
"These are my footprints, so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears, of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in mummy's heart,
cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part."
My cousin Debbie once told me that those moments that choke me up the most are the moments when Cole is saying hi. Just like the footprints I can hear in the rain are my angels tears.
Missing you today, this day filled with daffodils and tulips picked by your brothers, bike rides and stroller rides and sloppy sweet baby kisses, missing you so sweet angel boy.
And yet at the same time I know that I wouldn't take away this experience for anything....
These are My Footprints
"These are my footprints, so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels tears, of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.
You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in mummy's heart,
cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part."
My cousin Debbie once told me that those moments that choke me up the most are the moments when Cole is saying hi. Just like the footprints I can hear in the rain are my angels tears.
Missing you today, this day filled with daffodils and tulips picked by your brothers, bike rides and stroller rides and sloppy sweet baby kisses, missing you so sweet angel boy.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Mean Girls
Today’s entry isn’t really about me or about my journey though I am sure I’ll relate it in there somehow!!!
As my title indicates, this one is about mean girls, mean people really.
We’ve been having troubles with this issue with a group of girls at my school. They seem to think they can just leave one girl out, ignore her, tell her not to follow them, talk about her and then tattle on her when she gets fed up and says something back. Why young girls behave this way is beyond me, I was never a young girl??? Actually I was never like this as a child and might add that I am VERY happy that I have all boys!!!
But as a young child I did do things that weren’t always nice and then felt horrible about it and within minutes was trying to fix the situation. I think I still do that now….I am always the one who apologizes first, always the one who stews about something for days only to find out the other person completely forgot about it.
So back to my girls…. We talked to them about whether it was ever okay to be mean. And of course, being the good catholic school that it is, we talked about whether God is happy when people are mean. Of course the kids answered no. But then we talked about whether meanness happened in the bible. Not surprisingly, the kids said that no one was mean in the bible….that should be the answer right??? We spent some time talking about people who were mean in the bible and what God and Jesus thought about that….and what Jesus taught them about this.
But the most important part of the discussion was yet to come…and is the reason for the entry. We talked about whether adults are ever mean and pointed out that mean girls become mean woman….the kind of person no one admires, no one really respects but often the person everyone is somewhat afraid of. Would you really want that to be you? Is that you?
I’d love to say that’s never me but the truth is I am human. I do say horrible things sometimes, I do things that aren’t the way a good person, most especially a good Christian, should behave. Sometimes I hate myself for the things that come out of my mouth, for the actions that I have. Tonight was one of those nights. I couldn’t get over how hard it is sometimes to stop the crap from coming out and from stopping the anger that comes so easily. But as I said before, I am the kind of person who, most often, feels immediately bad about my actions and needs to apologize…even if I am not the only one at fault.
Don’t you just wish that everyone behaved this way or better yet, lived the good Christian life and didn’t do the ‘meanies’ in the first place. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful world? Wouldn’t it be great if no one said things to upset us, no one hurt our feelings or left us out. There are so many times that I have felt left out, especially in the last 18 months or so. So many times things have been said that have hurt me, or maybe NOT said that have hurt me too. Mean people exist everywhere, mean girls become mean woman and there is no way to live in a mean free bubble. But forgiveness, now there’s a God given gift that is so valuable. Being a person who can forgive easily….well that’ s not me all the time. I am trying and have, most certainly, come leaps and bounds in this area.
I’d like to think I am the kind of person that people would look at and never say ‘now that’s a mean girl’ and I’m pretty sure I am okay there. But I know I am not a person that people would say forgives well, moves on well, treats everyone kindly all the time and is full of respect for all. I’m not okay with the person I am sometimes but I know that I am trying and know that a mean girl I am not.
As my title indicates, this one is about mean girls, mean people really.
We’ve been having troubles with this issue with a group of girls at my school. They seem to think they can just leave one girl out, ignore her, tell her not to follow them, talk about her and then tattle on her when she gets fed up and says something back. Why young girls behave this way is beyond me, I was never a young girl??? Actually I was never like this as a child and might add that I am VERY happy that I have all boys!!!
But as a young child I did do things that weren’t always nice and then felt horrible about it and within minutes was trying to fix the situation. I think I still do that now….I am always the one who apologizes first, always the one who stews about something for days only to find out the other person completely forgot about it.
So back to my girls…. We talked to them about whether it was ever okay to be mean. And of course, being the good catholic school that it is, we talked about whether God is happy when people are mean. Of course the kids answered no. But then we talked about whether meanness happened in the bible. Not surprisingly, the kids said that no one was mean in the bible….that should be the answer right??? We spent some time talking about people who were mean in the bible and what God and Jesus thought about that….and what Jesus taught them about this.
But the most important part of the discussion was yet to come…and is the reason for the entry. We talked about whether adults are ever mean and pointed out that mean girls become mean woman….the kind of person no one admires, no one really respects but often the person everyone is somewhat afraid of. Would you really want that to be you? Is that you?
I’d love to say that’s never me but the truth is I am human. I do say horrible things sometimes, I do things that aren’t the way a good person, most especially a good Christian, should behave. Sometimes I hate myself for the things that come out of my mouth, for the actions that I have. Tonight was one of those nights. I couldn’t get over how hard it is sometimes to stop the crap from coming out and from stopping the anger that comes so easily. But as I said before, I am the kind of person who, most often, feels immediately bad about my actions and needs to apologize…even if I am not the only one at fault.
Don’t you just wish that everyone behaved this way or better yet, lived the good Christian life and didn’t do the ‘meanies’ in the first place. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful world? Wouldn’t it be great if no one said things to upset us, no one hurt our feelings or left us out. There are so many times that I have felt left out, especially in the last 18 months or so. So many times things have been said that have hurt me, or maybe NOT said that have hurt me too. Mean people exist everywhere, mean girls become mean woman and there is no way to live in a mean free bubble. But forgiveness, now there’s a God given gift that is so valuable. Being a person who can forgive easily….well that’ s not me all the time. I am trying and have, most certainly, come leaps and bounds in this area.
I’d like to think I am the kind of person that people would look at and never say ‘now that’s a mean girl’ and I’m pretty sure I am okay there. But I know I am not a person that people would say forgives well, moves on well, treats everyone kindly all the time and is full of respect for all. I’m not okay with the person I am sometimes but I know that I am trying and know that a mean girl I am not.
Monday, April 12, 2010
I try not to push my views of Christianity on others and try to respect the views of those who don’t believe. I understand how tragedy can challenge your faith especially if you don’t have much or any faith anyway. I’ve been pondering the views of others for about a week now as I have recently read some postings of other moms on one of the support forums I participate in. For the moms who have lost both their babes….well I can’t imagine the pain and I can relate to the feelings of anger that they must feel. But I really am surprised at some of what I’ve read and I’m not really sure why I am.
They have posted about their lack of faith….
I am not a religious person (never was), and did not "find God" in all of this. I think if I did believe in God beforehand I certainly wouldn't now. I know people find comfort in that, and that's fine, but personally I don't.
I too am not religious and never really was. The last thing I wanted to hear was how "God has a plan...blah blah" So many times I wanted to say F that, I am glad his plan was to take my babies away from me. I mean I know I am no angel, but no one deserves that.
It breaks my heart that others feel this pain and react this way. I want to reach out but I am not confident enough that my words would have any impact. I find it so surprising that people can feel this way and say these things. I know how angry I was, how confused and hurt. I wondered why all the time and even wondered if God felt I couldn’t handle this ‘twin ness’ or perhaps that I had wished it upon myself but not being overjoyed initially about the news of twins.
The thing is, for me, I had no choice but to believe in God in this and that this had all happened for a reason that I wasn’t meant to understand until I get to Heaven. If I didn’t believe in God than I didn’t believe in Heaven….and therefore I would NEVER see my son, Cole, again. And I live for the day that I reach Paradise and can hold that baby in my arms again, too see him in his glory, to tell him again how much he means to me and how his life was and is so very valuable.
And maybe that’s the most baffling part of this…that some of these people write what I posted above and yet write this too….
How was I suppose to explain where her brothers where to a 3 1/2 year old. To this day she tells everyone that she has two brothers in heaven. Part of me loves that she accepts them as her brothers, part of me hates that she tells people because I hate the pity look. She sends balloons to them any chance she gets, so that is really nice.
Isn’t that contradictory? How can you say that you don’t believe, aren’t religious and don’t believe God has a plan for all of us and yet be so comforted by sending balloons up to Heaven…and believing your children are there.
I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I lost both of my twins, if Cameron had joined Cole in heaven. It would shatter me but I know that as hard as it would be, as hard as it is, God does bring me comfort. He does have a plan though I do not believe He WANTED to take Cole from us, that maybe wasn’t part of the plan.
But instead of being so angry and hurt I needed, as do I feel others do, to turn to God and ask him to comfort me, to take away my pain, to show me that I would see Cole again.
I remember when I first ‘met’ my online friend Tara we spoke about her feelings on the subject….
I’ve noticed you speak of God a few times. I have had mixed feelings on the subject of if I believe or not and even to what side he really plays with us. I have to ask, am I being tested? What could I possibly have done that makes my babies have to pay the price? Did you feel like you were being played with? Dangled hope in front of you and having someone threat to change everything. I can only imagine that after all you have been through you must have a huge hole in you somewhere or that to look as strong as you did you fill that whole with some short term answer? Thats what I’d do. I’d be fine from the outside for so long convincing the people not only am I getting better but moving on too. but in time I’d end up being a loaded weapon aimed at myself. if God is real he must by now know thats what I’d do. I don’t see what God is doing with me and matt as pro active. You could realy lose yourself in this kind of talk couldnt you. sorry :) i know i sound so negative on the subject of God but I believe we go somewhere when we die. I dont know where but I believe we do go. I noticed someone wrote a comment on your pics. saying that her boy and Cole are playing together. I need to believe that so much. if my boys don’t get to meet there mummy and daddy I need to believe that they didnt just stop existing. I need to believe that they get a second chance somewhere safe and loving.
And now Tara is a believer…well I think she and Matt both are. They truly believe that God sent Cole and I to be there for them…Cole to hold their boys hands and me to provide comfort and strength. Their boys were born on Cole and Cameron’s birthday and one of their boys is named after Cole. You can’t tell me that isn’t God’s work, that He didn’t intervene and bring our families together. I made an impact in their lives but they made one in mine too. I had not been able to really face mom’s of identical twins that were survivors yet but Tara and Matt and their boys touched my life too and I now consider them dear and special friends.
So I have to believe in God, in Heaven, in life after death, in the resurrection of Jesus, the forgiveness of sins. I have to believe that if I live a good life, treat people fairly, believe in God and praise him that I will see my son again. And how others who’ve lost can’t see this….I don’t know. I don’t know where their Hope comes from but mine comes from God.
Wow this was a pretty deep entry…but it’s something that’s been bugging me for a week or more and I just had to write about it…maybe someone reading this needs to see the two sides of the coin and maybe, just maybe, God will have one more believer.
They have posted about their lack of faith….
I am not a religious person (never was), and did not "find God" in all of this. I think if I did believe in God beforehand I certainly wouldn't now. I know people find comfort in that, and that's fine, but personally I don't.
I too am not religious and never really was. The last thing I wanted to hear was how "God has a plan...blah blah" So many times I wanted to say F that, I am glad his plan was to take my babies away from me. I mean I know I am no angel, but no one deserves that.
It breaks my heart that others feel this pain and react this way. I want to reach out but I am not confident enough that my words would have any impact. I find it so surprising that people can feel this way and say these things. I know how angry I was, how confused and hurt. I wondered why all the time and even wondered if God felt I couldn’t handle this ‘twin ness’ or perhaps that I had wished it upon myself but not being overjoyed initially about the news of twins.
The thing is, for me, I had no choice but to believe in God in this and that this had all happened for a reason that I wasn’t meant to understand until I get to Heaven. If I didn’t believe in God than I didn’t believe in Heaven….and therefore I would NEVER see my son, Cole, again. And I live for the day that I reach Paradise and can hold that baby in my arms again, too see him in his glory, to tell him again how much he means to me and how his life was and is so very valuable.
And maybe that’s the most baffling part of this…that some of these people write what I posted above and yet write this too….
How was I suppose to explain where her brothers where to a 3 1/2 year old. To this day she tells everyone that she has two brothers in heaven. Part of me loves that she accepts them as her brothers, part of me hates that she tells people because I hate the pity look. She sends balloons to them any chance she gets, so that is really nice.
Isn’t that contradictory? How can you say that you don’t believe, aren’t religious and don’t believe God has a plan for all of us and yet be so comforted by sending balloons up to Heaven…and believing your children are there.
I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I lost both of my twins, if Cameron had joined Cole in heaven. It would shatter me but I know that as hard as it would be, as hard as it is, God does bring me comfort. He does have a plan though I do not believe He WANTED to take Cole from us, that maybe wasn’t part of the plan.
But instead of being so angry and hurt I needed, as do I feel others do, to turn to God and ask him to comfort me, to take away my pain, to show me that I would see Cole again.
I remember when I first ‘met’ my online friend Tara we spoke about her feelings on the subject….
I’ve noticed you speak of God a few times. I have had mixed feelings on the subject of if I believe or not and even to what side he really plays with us. I have to ask, am I being tested? What could I possibly have done that makes my babies have to pay the price? Did you feel like you were being played with? Dangled hope in front of you and having someone threat to change everything. I can only imagine that after all you have been through you must have a huge hole in you somewhere or that to look as strong as you did you fill that whole with some short term answer? Thats what I’d do. I’d be fine from the outside for so long convincing the people not only am I getting better but moving on too. but in time I’d end up being a loaded weapon aimed at myself. if God is real he must by now know thats what I’d do. I don’t see what God is doing with me and matt as pro active. You could realy lose yourself in this kind of talk couldnt you. sorry :) i know i sound so negative on the subject of God but I believe we go somewhere when we die. I dont know where but I believe we do go. I noticed someone wrote a comment on your pics. saying that her boy and Cole are playing together. I need to believe that so much. if my boys don’t get to meet there mummy and daddy I need to believe that they didnt just stop existing. I need to believe that they get a second chance somewhere safe and loving.
And now Tara is a believer…well I think she and Matt both are. They truly believe that God sent Cole and I to be there for them…Cole to hold their boys hands and me to provide comfort and strength. Their boys were born on Cole and Cameron’s birthday and one of their boys is named after Cole. You can’t tell me that isn’t God’s work, that He didn’t intervene and bring our families together. I made an impact in their lives but they made one in mine too. I had not been able to really face mom’s of identical twins that were survivors yet but Tara and Matt and their boys touched my life too and I now consider them dear and special friends.
So I have to believe in God, in Heaven, in life after death, in the resurrection of Jesus, the forgiveness of sins. I have to believe that if I live a good life, treat people fairly, believe in God and praise him that I will see my son again. And how others who’ve lost can’t see this….I don’t know. I don’t know where their Hope comes from but mine comes from God.
Wow this was a pretty deep entry…but it’s something that’s been bugging me for a week or more and I just had to write about it…maybe someone reading this needs to see the two sides of the coin and maybe, just maybe, God will have one more believer.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Perfect timing
About 4 hours after my last posting my husband called me over to the computer and said you've GOT to see this. Expecting some stupid joke or some inane video of some idiot doing something stupid I was quite surprised when the video revealed a message that echoed my thoughts of the last entry almost exactly.
The video is entitled 'The Invisible Woman' and before I get to posting it I wanted to share my thoughts on it. I sent it out to a few people who I wanted to see it and whom I felt needed to hear my thoughts about it. This is the message I sent out with it....
'When I watched this I cried because it made me realize something that I needed to share with you all. You see there are times that I question myself and the things I do. There are times I wonder if anyone sees me but more than that there are many times lately that I wonder if anyone can see the reasons I do things. I've realized in the last few days, and especially after watching this, that there indeed is someone who sees why I do things and is the reason why I do them. So it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks I am doing whatever I might be doing for.... I'm not doing it for you....'
But I realize now that I still don't 'get it' completely (okay I realize it with some help from my wonderful Aunt Sheila who pointed some things out to me). You see I used the phrase 'I'm sure He's proud of me' when I mentioned my fundraising project to her and she pointed out that God isn't proud of us when we do things that WE think are the right things to do. Instead He is proud of us when we bring him Joy...when we speak his name and praise Him, when we share his message, his love, his light with others.
At first I thought 'wow did I screw that one up'...me and my misunderstanding of being a Christian (yes, bit if sarcasm there!!!) but then I realized a few things....it's all a learning curve and really I just misused the word 'proud'. Pride is the wrong word...and should be the wrong word to use....when talking about my relationship with God. Pride, in some faiths, is a sin or a way to separate yourself from God. But do I think that God is HAPPY with me, do I think that I am bring Him joy... hmmmm...would it be prideful if I said yes??? I don't know, I'm new to this whole world of doing the right the thing in the name of God and actually believing and knowing that you are doing that. But I do believe that if I have the best of intentions, if I am not doing something for reasons that are not entirely honest or respectful and that I am not doing something for self satisfaction, attention and recognition but rather for the good of the world, to help others, to bring awareness to issues and most of all to give back and say thanks (and that's not just to Mt. Sinai for the lifesaving surgery that was done to save my sons but also to God who created that place, those doctors, the technology and of course my sons Cole and Cameron) than I am bringing joy to God and I am saying thanks to him. I really believe that He is putting this part of my journey here, that He is in control of this part of my destiny. I believe He is guiding me to help others travel the world of TTTS and other fetal distress disorders.
But do I care if anyone notices....not anymore.... if I am invisible, well that's okay because I know He's watching and He's bringing me to it.
As a mom I am building the most amazing cathedrals, the most amazing testaments to His love...my kids are proof that God makes amazing things and performs miracles and I'll do whatever it takes to build them up in His glory. And I will do what it takes to build myself too and to do things to give back and to thank Him for all He's given me.
No one needs to know, no one needs to notice...it's just between Him and I.
The video is entitled 'The Invisible Woman' and before I get to posting it I wanted to share my thoughts on it. I sent it out to a few people who I wanted to see it and whom I felt needed to hear my thoughts about it. This is the message I sent out with it....
'When I watched this I cried because it made me realize something that I needed to share with you all. You see there are times that I question myself and the things I do. There are times I wonder if anyone sees me but more than that there are many times lately that I wonder if anyone can see the reasons I do things. I've realized in the last few days, and especially after watching this, that there indeed is someone who sees why I do things and is the reason why I do them. So it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks I am doing whatever I might be doing for.... I'm not doing it for you....'
But I realize now that I still don't 'get it' completely (okay I realize it with some help from my wonderful Aunt Sheila who pointed some things out to me). You see I used the phrase 'I'm sure He's proud of me' when I mentioned my fundraising project to her and she pointed out that God isn't proud of us when we do things that WE think are the right things to do. Instead He is proud of us when we bring him Joy...when we speak his name and praise Him, when we share his message, his love, his light with others.
At first I thought 'wow did I screw that one up'...me and my misunderstanding of being a Christian (yes, bit if sarcasm there!!!) but then I realized a few things....it's all a learning curve and really I just misused the word 'proud'. Pride is the wrong word...and should be the wrong word to use....when talking about my relationship with God. Pride, in some faiths, is a sin or a way to separate yourself from God. But do I think that God is HAPPY with me, do I think that I am bring Him joy... hmmmm...would it be prideful if I said yes??? I don't know, I'm new to this whole world of doing the right the thing in the name of God and actually believing and knowing that you are doing that. But I do believe that if I have the best of intentions, if I am not doing something for reasons that are not entirely honest or respectful and that I am not doing something for self satisfaction, attention and recognition but rather for the good of the world, to help others, to bring awareness to issues and most of all to give back and say thanks (and that's not just to Mt. Sinai for the lifesaving surgery that was done to save my sons but also to God who created that place, those doctors, the technology and of course my sons Cole and Cameron) than I am bringing joy to God and I am saying thanks to him. I really believe that He is putting this part of my journey here, that He is in control of this part of my destiny. I believe He is guiding me to help others travel the world of TTTS and other fetal distress disorders.
But do I care if anyone notices....not anymore.... if I am invisible, well that's okay because I know He's watching and He's bringing me to it.
As a mom I am building the most amazing cathedrals, the most amazing testaments to His love...my kids are proof that God makes amazing things and performs miracles and I'll do whatever it takes to build them up in His glory. And I will do what it takes to build myself too and to do things to give back and to thank Him for all He's given me.
No one needs to know, no one needs to notice...it's just between Him and I.
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