Thankful for the Scars

I have a scar. I have a scar that means so much to me. It is a scar that I've had for a long time, a scar so faded that sometimes I can hardly find it. But this scar is so tied to some other scars that no matter how much it fades, I'll always know it's there. The other scars, the ones that it's tied to, they're on my heart. And they are scars that will be with me forever. And for that I am thankful.

I came across this song a few months ago and downloaded it. I listened to it a few times without really reflecting on the words at all. And then a few weeks ago, while out for a walk of solitude, reflection and worship; my God time; the words completely resonated with me and stirred this blog post in my heart.

Have a listen. Read the words. Let them resonate with you too. 

"Scars"
Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn't trade it for anything
Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You'll use

So I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Now I'm standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I'm not who I was before
No, I don't have to fear anymore

So I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory

I'm thankful for Your scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart
And with my life I'll tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful

My physical scar is located on the side of my abdomen and is the spot that marks where life changed forever for me. It is the spot where are hero, Dr. Ryan, entered my womb to save the life of my children. And it truly is very difficult to find now. I've lost and gained so much weight over the years that I have a lot of stretch marks and it blends in very nicely. 

But I can always find it, I can always feel it. And that's because it's so closely tied to the scars that are on my heart. Those scars were formed the day I learned that Cole was no longer with us. My heart shattered that day and I didn't know if it would ever be put back together again. 

Over time it has slowly healed, slowly mended. But as with any injury, any serious injury that is, there's always a scar.

And my scars, well they tell a story. A story of heartache, of hurt, of sadness, of some deceit and mistrust, and of what it took to put it all back together. The story of who it took to put it all back together. They tell the story of my Redemption, my salvation.

I'm not sure that is what this song I would say to other people. I think that the artist was really talking more about the scars of Jesus not the scars of the person singing or listening to the song. But for me, while I am very grateful for those scars too, I am just as grateful, maybe even more grateful, for my own scars.

It was my scars that led me to search for answers. And as I wrote earlier this week, the answers aren't really important, but searching for them leads you to the what. The what does Jesus want me to do, the what is the purpose of my life, the what can I take from this journey and make it something miraculous.

And so my scars led me to that. They took me on a journey to find my way to some sort of redemption. I'm thankful, as hard as it is to say that, as much as it brings me to tears as I write this, I am thankful for the loss of my child. Without that loss I don't know that it ever would have found Jesus the way I have. I don't know that it ever would have meant what it does now, if life would have ever had the purpose it has now. If I ever could've even begun to grasp what Jesus came to this earth to do, ever could have understood the little bit that I actually understand.

And the thing is, that it is a really hard thing to come to, being thankful for that particular scar. It is really hard to be grateful for the loss of your child. And as I write this I'm weepy because it's such a hard place to be in. How do you come to terms with the fact that it's a good thing, a redemptive thing, to have lost a child? And yeah, I'm not going to lie, I don't always feel that. I'm not always able to put myself in the place of gratitude for the fact that my child is not growing up here with me, alongside his twin brother, alongside his older brothers, in my house, with my husband and I. Sometimes, that's a really not okay.

But most of the time, I can look at it as a blessing, I can see it with a thankful heart. My scars, the scars that I'm grateful for, they led me to find greater purpose in life. 'I wouldn't trade them for anything cause my brokenness brought me to Jesus and these wounds are a story he'll use.'

My scars led me to look into what I could use the gifts that God gave me for. My scars brought me to a place where I sought out other people who understood. And then I sought out other people who needed to understand, who needed to know that people out there understood. It led me to look into what information was out there, what could I learn about all that it happened to us, how could I use that to help someone else.

But maybe more than that, my scars led me to just be thankful. Be thankful for everything we have, the blessings there is in my life that I live here on Earth. My scars led me to love deeper, to live life fuller, to appreciate, give, to have, to hold, to be present in this life. I'm thankful for the scars for without them I don't know who I would be. I'm thankful for the scars for without them I would not know Jesus. I'm thankful for the scars for without them I would not know who Cole is, I would not know his heart. I'm thankful for my scars because without my scars I would be without Cole and I would be without Cameron.

I'm thankful for Cole's scars too. His scars are as a deeply a part of me, of my heart, as my own. They are what ties me to him. His damaged heart that never received physical scars of healing will forever have spiritual scars of divine healing. His heart surely has scars of his own desire to have been able to grow up here with us family and how his energy left him to dwell in us so that he could. His scars are the kind that make your heart beat faster, your senses to tingle at times when you reflect on the journey that has happened because he existed, because he moved people to do things in his honour. 'I'm thankful for his scars 'cause without them I wouldn't know his heart and with my life I'll tell of who he is....So forever I am thankful'
That scar, that faded one on my abdomen... yeah I'm very thankful for it and I'm very thankful for what it ties to on my heart.