We often miss out on the amazingness of God because we're caught up in the why. We're stuck trying to figure out why something happened...did we do something to deserve this, is there a plan in this, who made the mistake that brought this etc. In the head spinning that we're doing trying to sort it out, as often miss the other miracles happening, we often miss what we could do with what we know and understand now.
I don't think this is any more or less applicable then when a parent loses a child.
I heard a 'sermon' (what an antiquated word) last month that really made me ponder this so I'm going to expand on the 'sermon notes' and explore it through the lens of a loss parent, specifically a parent who lost a twin.
I heard a 'sermon' (what an antiquated word) last month that really made me ponder this so I'm going to expand on the 'sermon notes' and explore it through the lens of a loss parent, specifically a parent who lost a twin.
In John 9 we read the story of a blind man who meets Jesus.
John 9:1-2 MSG
Walking down the street, Jesus saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked, “Rabbi, who sinned: this man or his parents, causing him to be born blind?”
The disciples were consumed with who sinned to make him blind. There must be a reason. They didn't think about the fact they were with a man who performed miracles but rather, why did it happen?
Walking down the street, Jesus saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked, “Rabbi, who sinned: this man or his parents, causing him to be born blind?”
The disciples were consumed with who sinned to make him blind. There must be a reason. They didn't think about the fact they were with a man who performed miracles but rather, why did it happen?
We do this too. We focus on the why and miss what's really happening and miss the miracle in it. We are stuck at the why and can't move forward to the awesome things God has planned for us. I think when you lose a twin you tend to focus on the loss, at least at first, and not the miracle of the life that remains. In our case it was miraculous that Cameron was not sick, at all, when they were diagnosed. It was miraculous that the diagnosis happened when it did and that surgery happened as quickly as it did. It was miraculous that only Cole rapidly declined in health, miraculous that Cameron wasn't more affected by Cole's passing. But it was do hard to focus on that in my grief. Later it was miraculous that Cameron wasn't born at 26 weeks and miraculous that he wasn't affected by all he endured inutero. But again, it was hard to focus on that when my heart was so broken.
John 9:3-4 MSG
Jesus said, “You’re asking the wrong question. You’re looking for someone to blame. There is no such cause-effect here. Look instead for what God can do. We need to be energetically at work for the One who sent me here, working while the sun shines.
Jesus jumps in and tells the disciples that no one sinned but that it happened so the works of God can be displayed in this man. Now to some they could say this, or perhaps twist this, to suggest that this happened so God could show off so to speak. And it's easy to understand why people might think that way when you think about people in your life or in the public eye who do this…who promote the good works they've done, who jump in to a situation and genuinely do make a positive impact on it...but are sure to make sure everyone knows the good they did.
But that's not how God works.
John 9:3-4 MSG
Jesus said, “You’re asking the wrong question. You’re looking for someone to blame. There is no such cause-effect here. Look instead for what God can do. We need to be energetically at work for the One who sent me here, working while the sun shines.
Jesus jumps in and tells the disciples that no one sinned but that it happened so the works of God can be displayed in this man. Now to some they could say this, or perhaps twist this, to suggest that this happened so God could show off so to speak. And it's easy to understand why people might think that way when you think about people in your life or in the public eye who do this…who promote the good works they've done, who jump in to a situation and genuinely do make a positive impact on it...but are sure to make sure everyone knows the good they did.
But that's not how God works.
Regardless we can't search for why something happened but rather just need accept that it just happened. Does it make sense? No. Do we wish it would have happened to someone else? Not really but we sure wish it didn't happen to us. Did we deserve it? No.
Did I do something wrong to deserve my child leaving before I ever met him? Did my sins and transgressions finally catch up with me? Did God feel I couldn't handle raising twins? Heck my biggest question was similar…'God if you never meant me to bring 2 babies home in the first place, then why make me pregnant with twins in the first place?' The answer to all of those first questions is a resounding NO. The answer to the last one...well when we stop asking why and looking for a reason, we can move onto what God wants to do with what is happening, not what happened.
When we stop searching for answers to why our child passed away, why they got the illness that took them, why the mistakes happened in the medical field, why the accident happened, why this is our life ...when we stop looking for answers to the why we can start to see what is happening, what God is doing with our journey.
Romans 8:28 NIV
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
What if we stop asking why and ask what instead? I know I can't understand why this has happened but what do you want me to do God?
I’ve asked this, in my own way and in my own time and the resounding answer is to help others through it, to use the brokenness my heart experienced to empathize with others. To use the information that I HAD to have, had to understand, about everything that happened to us to walk alongside another family and offer them support. I’m not going to lie, that was really hard to do times and it looked a lot different, had a much different purpose I think in the beginning. Initially I shared my story a lot in various groups because I wanted, no needed, to talk about Cole and I needed to keep reliving the boys journey as a way to hold on to him and, perhaps, to draw attention to myself. Transparency at it’s best here folks!
Did I do something wrong to deserve my child leaving before I ever met him? Did my sins and transgressions finally catch up with me? Did God feel I couldn't handle raising twins? Heck my biggest question was similar…'God if you never meant me to bring 2 babies home in the first place, then why make me pregnant with twins in the first place?' The answer to all of those first questions is a resounding NO. The answer to the last one...well when we stop asking why and looking for a reason, we can move onto what God wants to do with what is happening, not what happened.
When we stop searching for answers to why our child passed away, why they got the illness that took them, why the mistakes happened in the medical field, why the accident happened, why this is our life ...when we stop looking for answers to the why we can start to see what is happening, what God is doing with our journey.
Romans 8:28 NIV
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
What if we stop asking why and ask what instead? I know I can't understand why this has happened but what do you want me to do God?
I’ve asked this, in my own way and in my own time and the resounding answer is to help others through it, to use the brokenness my heart experienced to empathize with others. To use the information that I HAD to have, had to understand, about everything that happened to us to walk alongside another family and offer them support. I’m not going to lie, that was really hard to do times and it looked a lot different, had a much different purpose I think in the beginning. Initially I shared my story a lot in various groups because I wanted, no needed, to talk about Cole and I needed to keep reliving the boys journey as a way to hold on to him and, perhaps, to draw attention to myself. Transparency at it’s best here folks!
Later on I couldn’t handle ‘helping’ anyone who had 2 surviving twins, couldn’t walk beside those who’s surgery was successful. So I offered my support mostly to families who’d experienced loss.
In time I felt a nudge to enter back into uncomfortable places because I knew that it was great to help those with broken hearts but maybe I could help others to not experience broken hearts.
John 9:4-5
While it is daytime, we must do the works of Him who sent Me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”
We only have so much time on this planet and what we do with our time matters. It was time I walked into uncomfortable places so that, hopefully, less families would walk the path we walked. Now I walk comfortably in the world of mono di twins and share openly what I know and, often, a bit more guardedly, our story. I don’t hide the reality of TTTS but I don’t start the conversation with it either.
We are here. We are in the world and we can be the light. God always works in partnership with humanity. God will send you if you are hurting, broken, hungry, poor, lost etc. It might feel ridiculous but it is what God called you to. Sometimes you have to do something a little bit ridiculous for God to do something a lot miraculous.
Let’s go back to John 9. After the blind man meets Jesus and has mud and spit put on his eyes he has to crawl down hundreds of stairs to wash in the pool of Siloam and he can then see. Picture that….you are a blind man who’s just encountered a man rumoured to be a healer. Your world is dark and you live by sounds, smells and touch. So some man you’ve never met just spit in the mud, rubbed it your face and told you to walk hundreds of steps to a bathing pool. You do that and you can see!
The blind man tells everyone he meets and the story sounds so ridiculous that no one believes him. They ask his parents and they say ask the man himself. Essentially he tells them, again, what happened and that he does not know who the man who healed him is, if he is a sinner or not. He does not know why he can see but what he knows is that he can see.
As the pastor I heard speak on this says “We just have to know what we know and not worry about what we don't.''
I don’t know why my son died. I don’t know why my twins didn’t get to grow up together. I don’t know why this is the path of my life. What I do know is that God is walking it with me, that Jesus came and met me in a few different ways, in a few different places and brought me stories, people and information out of nowhere….all of which gave me hope. What I do know is that God has given me a gift to write and the Holy Spirit breathes words into me that I can share that may help others find that hope too. And what I also know is that someday we will all be reunited again. Someday the answers to the why’s will be clear….or perhaps clearer. For now I will focus on what….what I can do with what I know, what I experienced, what I see, what I sense and what I feel. For now the what is all that matters.
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