Nine years....

I just wanted to add another short post today as the one I posted earlier was actually written earlier and then tweeked and posted today.  So as honest as it was, as raw with heartache, it wasn't actually today's heartbreak. 
Like every year, today I woke early to get as much of the rawness of this day out of the way before I put my mommy hat on, wake the boys and prepare to go to Toronto for our annual visit.  I read through what I had shared last year, the part of my 'story' from December 13, 2008 and...I wept and I wept and I crying again as I type this.  Each year I think why does this have to be so hard.  Why does it have to hurt so much.  And then I shake my head at the ridiculousness of that.  It's never, ever going to be easy to get through this day. A part of heart was torn apart that day 9 years ago and it hurts, like hell!  I hate that it has to hurt and I hate even more that it has a reason to, that I had to lose my child and cause that wound. 
And although what I am about to write isn't necessarily any less emotional and I know I'll sob while typing it, my hope for myself is that sharing words to Cole of all he means to me will help to comfort my heart. 

My dearest Cole you are so loved.  You are so treasured.  And you are so missed.  Sometimes I marvel at how much I can miss what I never had.  I didn't build memories of you hear in my arms, only in my womb.  I didn't get kisses and hugs but I did get crazy kicks and saw you so many times at those ultrasounds.  How can I miss someone I didn't experience life with???  Well first of all I miss what I didn't get.  I miss that we never got to experience life with you, to watch you grow, to hear your laugh.  But I also know that we lost only your body and your physical presence from our lives.  Your spirit is with us and always has been.  You've inspired me to become someone I never imagined I could.  To do things I never thought possible.  You've shaped me and stretched me.  And that makes me miss you more....because I wish I could have experienced all of that with you here and not because you weren't. 

But the reality is that I'll never know if that could have happened if you were here and in my heart of hearts I think I know it wouldn't have. 

You, my sweet son, are my inspiration and you will never stop changing the world...through me, through your dad, through your older brothers and especially through your twin brother.  You shine brighter than any star.  Your love radiates through this family.  You've impacted the lives of people all over the world. 

Cole Edward Ryan Tummers you are so missed.  You are so loved.  You are so treasured.  And you are so much a part of this family and this world.  I will spend the rest of my life wishing I didn't have this day to honour you and I know it will never be an easy day.  I also know that my tears aren't just tears of sadness and heartbreak but are tears of joy for the impact your life has had on the world. 

Yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever you are loved.