Stories of Hope - Jodie's story 24

Happy New Year!!!  I took a week or two off from posting and enjoyed time with my boys over the school break.  Lots of skating, tobogganing and time with friends and family.  It was a wonderful holiday season this year and likely the first that I didn't shed any tears on Christmas Eve.  I can't say the same for Christmas Day as Geoff and the boys completely surprised me with this beautiful gift...

I have always wanted a piece of jewelry with all my boys names on it.  This brought tears to my eyes but joy to my heart!  And that joy surrounded us during all of our holiday celebrations.  What a great way to celebrate our saviour!

And now to move back to 'the rest of the story'.... (a recap, my last post ended with the peace I found after the passing of my friend Brian with a feeling that he was in heaven looking after my son)

And so with this new found peace I journeyed forward.  My posts on my blog became deeper, my exploration of faith became more purposeful and I stepped out of my comfort zone to share my feelings more and more.  The idea of the true journey of someone dying being about those left behind and not going to heaven began to really take shape in my heart and my head.  I began to share this in groups where parents who were struggling to find their way to peace were ‘hanging out’. 

One day some people commented that they felt like there couldn’t be 'a God' because why would anyone want to do this to us, what had we done to deserve this 'hell' and pain. Some people believed that it was a beautiful fairy-tale that brought comfort to those who needed it but really it was just that, a fairy-tale. But others felt the opposite, they felt like there must be a God, and that he must have really wanted their babies and had an amazing job for them. It made me ponder things and put my feelings into perspective and words. I think I may have written some of this earlier but this is what I wrote to them....

We are all entitled to our opinion and all grew up so differently. We all experienced TTTS in different ways too and it affected us differently. I grew up believing in a 'good' God...not the hellfire and brimstone kind, not the evil and sin sorta situation. More like God does amazing things for everyone and He has a purpose for us all. I had always wondered at people believing that God took those people home that He did because He had a special job for them. I, too, thought that it didn't seem right...why take a good person and leave a jerk here??? I have since come to believe, very strongly, that God's purpose in the whole grief and crisis journey is not about the person He takes, it's not about having a special job in Heaven for that person (though I do believe that He may give special jobs to people who are there). I believe that God is here, not for those that go before us but for those left behind and that the loss isn't about their job in Heaven but about our job on earth. I truly believe that Cole went ahead of us because there was a great purpose for me here on earth that I would need to feel this hurt, this pain, this brokenness to understand. I don't think God wants to cause us pain or wants to see us in pain. I don't believe, again, that it is about the person 'He takes from us' but rather about Him being here for us after that person is gone. I believe very strongly that I will see my son again...I believe very strongly that Cole and God guide me towards a goal...their goal. I am so very drawn to do and say things that I never was before and to me, this is my angel and my God speaking to me. I am sorry that others don't feel this way but I don't feel I am living in a fairy-tale...and if I am well...well at least it is a place of approaching peace and hope (I say approaching because there are still bitter moments and angry times but they grow less and less).

I spent a lot of time talking about this subject with a few people.  Some people truly supported and agreed with me, others looked at me as if I had two heads. Some thought what I said had merit (some even sent me personal messages to say thanks for this perspective) and others shot me down. And guess what...I didn't care either way. I was going to do what I felt drawn to do, I was, and still am, going to be the person I felt God was pushing me to be. Did I want others to believe what I believed...no, not really. I mean I guess I'd like to think I wasn’t alone in this thought process but what you believe is so truly personal that I did't believe we ever have a right to questions others beliefs. I did believe we had a job to share God with others and to help them see that He is there for them but was it my job to change people's minds about their religion, to convert them to mine...no way. 

Something that I stressed often though was that this was so very hard to get to, this place of peace, for some anyway. Actually it wasn't the place of peace that came first for me, it was the place of acceptance. It had taken me so long to accept that I just had no control over the major things that happened in my life. When we found out we were expecting the twins I was blown away...couldn't have seen that one coming for anything. I questioned why and how but came to a place of acceptance. When we lost Cole I questioned again and, in all honesty, I was, and am, not always done questioning. But right from the start I believed there was great purpose for this 'twinness' to come to my life, as well as for Cole to be my son in Heaven and not on earth. I believed God had a plan for me, the mommy left behind. When I was in the very early stages of the loss... the first 3 months or so after he passed away...really before he was born, I was sure I knew part of the reason... I felt it MUST be to bring our family closer, to get Geoff and I working together better as parents etc. Each time that would blow up in my face, each time I would get a call from home that left me upset, angry, frustrated etc. I would question this plan or question myself. In time (okay in a very very long time) I came to realize that I just might not EVER understand fully this plan but I could accept it, I could take God into my heart and ask Him to help me get there, help me make good choices, help me be what He wants me to be...to guide me. I felt so drawn to helping others, so drawn to fundraising and to raising awareness.  I am very certain that I was left behind for a reason and that hasn’t changed in the 6 years since I first broached this subject. 

Once again, I am marvelling at just what the Holy Spirit was saying through me.  I mean the above writing, for the most part, was something I blogged about in January 2011... before I realized what a relationship with Jesus looked like, before I began meeting others who challenged and stretched my faith, who mentored me, who helped me find my way.  And in my mind the events that happened later in 2011 that made all of that happen, have always been where I thought my faith truly began from.  This blogging project has opened my eyes to see that I was much more in tune with God than I ever realized, that I was a vessel for the Holy Spirit before I knew that was even ‘a thing’.