Interestingly
enough I am actually back tracking with this post below. It was
actually written months and months before the parts of the story that
I’ve covered in the last few days but since it was written at the
end of ‘the year that changed me’ I felt it was worth a reshare
on this, the last day of 2016. It’s interesting to me to see how
far I actually have not come in 7 years. Not that I spun my wheels
but that I was so much further ahead in my faith then I ever
realized, then I give myself credit for. So many other things have
changed but the core of me and my faith…it’s really only grown in
the sense of a greater relationship with Jesus and in learning to
trust God with everything. My core beliefs have hardly changed at
all despite all the influences, experiences and growth that has
happened in my life.
So here’s the
exact post from Dec. 31, 2009
I
read a few other TTTS momma’s blogs from time to time. One of the
other mom's wrote some amazing words in the days after she lost one
of her twins in utero. She echo's my thoughts so much so I'll post
some of her blog and comment on it afterwards....
We find ourselves torn between two very real, very different emotions. We continue to go from one extreme to another in a matter of moments and it is confusing, exhausting and horrifying. I have asked myself how can God be in this? over and over again, while moments later I ask myself how can God not be in this? It is, in fact, more comforting to know that God is in this and has been a part of this from the very beginning than to assume he wouldn't be a part of causing me so much pain. He is part of this pain and he sees my pain. We don't want to hear that God needed my child in heaven or that he was too sweet for this world. We know that God does not need anything from us, including our children. He has all he needs, we just have the privilege of getting to be a part of his story. One day we'll have answers to our deepest hurts, or perhaps one day in the grand scheme of things our pain and suffering will make sense. For right now we do not try to make sense of it because we will exhaust ourselves again and again.
The lines that touched me most were the ones about God being with us and not against us and most especially the part about not needing to hear that God 'needed my child in heaven or that he was too sweet for this world'. I have never felt this way, I have never, when any child died long before their time, said that God had a plan for this child, that they had a job for them in Heaven. My God doesn't work that way, He doesn't take from me what he knows I need. And, though it is tough some days to feel like it is a privilege to be a part of this part of this story, I know that it is. It is a privilege to know that I am being shown how to appreciate life and that by suffering like He did when his son died, that I am becoming a better and stronger person. I know that I have grown as a person and, although my life may be changed forever because of our loss, it may not always feel like it is for the worse. Someday it will all make sense....likely when I hold Cole in my arms again.
And so in these last moments of 2009...a year that changed me forever as did 2008...I am counting the blessings that He has given me. I have such an amazing family... a loving husband who may drive me crazy some days but he also DRIVES me to reach harder and further to 'make it work' and to forgive, forget, move on and look beyond the surface of the things that piss you off on a daily basis. I have a zanny redheaded 6 year old who snuggles and hugs, shocks me with his intelligence and teaches me about patience every day. I am lucky to be the mom of a little lovable, laughable, huggable and adorable 3 year old who tells me daily how much he loves me and cracks me up many times a day with his stories, humour and hilarious words. And I am blessed to be the mom of twin boys who love me here on Earth and in Heaven. I know by the adoring gazes, huge smiles, belly laughs, slobbery kisses, all around happy personality and mommy only looks I get from Cameron that Cole lives within him and is with me each day. Cameron is a miracle, he came so close to leaving us at his TTTS diagnosis and surgery, to being brain damaged then and again when he was anemic after Cole passed away, to being born too early and way, way to small when my water broke grams even surviving inside without any amniotic fluid for 8 weeks. He shows me how good God is and together with his twin brother, inspires me to be a better person.
I don't make New Year's resolutions but I am promising a few things this year that are super important:
I will find a way to channel my energy that is used for grief to find a way to honour my twin sons, their TTTS journey and Cole's passing. This might be a fundraiser, it might be support site for others or maybe a pamphlet to be handed to other parents when they learn they are affected by this awful disease.
I promise to breath deeply, smile more, laugh more, love more and snuggle those boys as often as I can.
I will worry less and enjoy the moment more.
We find ourselves torn between two very real, very different emotions. We continue to go from one extreme to another in a matter of moments and it is confusing, exhausting and horrifying. I have asked myself how can God be in this? over and over again, while moments later I ask myself how can God not be in this? It is, in fact, more comforting to know that God is in this and has been a part of this from the very beginning than to assume he wouldn't be a part of causing me so much pain. He is part of this pain and he sees my pain. We don't want to hear that God needed my child in heaven or that he was too sweet for this world. We know that God does not need anything from us, including our children. He has all he needs, we just have the privilege of getting to be a part of his story. One day we'll have answers to our deepest hurts, or perhaps one day in the grand scheme of things our pain and suffering will make sense. For right now we do not try to make sense of it because we will exhaust ourselves again and again.
The lines that touched me most were the ones about God being with us and not against us and most especially the part about not needing to hear that God 'needed my child in heaven or that he was too sweet for this world'. I have never felt this way, I have never, when any child died long before their time, said that God had a plan for this child, that they had a job for them in Heaven. My God doesn't work that way, He doesn't take from me what he knows I need. And, though it is tough some days to feel like it is a privilege to be a part of this part of this story, I know that it is. It is a privilege to know that I am being shown how to appreciate life and that by suffering like He did when his son died, that I am becoming a better and stronger person. I know that I have grown as a person and, although my life may be changed forever because of our loss, it may not always feel like it is for the worse. Someday it will all make sense....likely when I hold Cole in my arms again.
And so in these last moments of 2009...a year that changed me forever as did 2008...I am counting the blessings that He has given me. I have such an amazing family... a loving husband who may drive me crazy some days but he also DRIVES me to reach harder and further to 'make it work' and to forgive, forget, move on and look beyond the surface of the things that piss you off on a daily basis. I have a zanny redheaded 6 year old who snuggles and hugs, shocks me with his intelligence and teaches me about patience every day. I am lucky to be the mom of a little lovable, laughable, huggable and adorable 3 year old who tells me daily how much he loves me and cracks me up many times a day with his stories, humour and hilarious words. And I am blessed to be the mom of twin boys who love me here on Earth and in Heaven. I know by the adoring gazes, huge smiles, belly laughs, slobbery kisses, all around happy personality and mommy only looks I get from Cameron that Cole lives within him and is with me each day. Cameron is a miracle, he came so close to leaving us at his TTTS diagnosis and surgery, to being brain damaged then and again when he was anemic after Cole passed away, to being born too early and way, way to small when my water broke grams even surviving inside without any amniotic fluid for 8 weeks. He shows me how good God is and together with his twin brother, inspires me to be a better person.
I don't make New Year's resolutions but I am promising a few things this year that are super important:
I will find a way to channel my energy that is used for grief to find a way to honour my twin sons, their TTTS journey and Cole's passing. This might be a fundraiser, it might be support site for others or maybe a pamphlet to be handed to other parents when they learn they are affected by this awful disease.
I promise to breath deeply, smile more, laugh more, love more and snuggle those boys as often as I can.
I will worry less and enjoy the moment more.
Wow… how much
of that has been accomplished. Wow. The holy spirit spoke into and
through me this day and it set me up for goals that have been, and
continue to be, accomplished. Tens of thousands of dollars for Mt.
Sinai, involved with a foundation that offers support (and writes
pamphlets), I began a TTTS support page on facebook that has over
1500 members, I have met so many amazing people and offered to
support to so many as well.
2017 is sure to
offer more opportunities to share Jesus with others. I’ve got the
writing bug now and I’m going to keep this blog project going until
the story is done. Well actually since the story is never truly
done, I guess I’ll keep writing til my message of hope is clear.
Stay
tuned…there’s more to come…
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