And
finding that purpose and the direction I felt came from God and Cole
took a big, huge leap about 18 months after they were born when we
hosted our first fundraiser for Mt. Sinai. We were shocked at the
support we received from our family, friends and community…and even
more shocked when we raised over $3600. We cherished the opportunity
to return to Mt. Sinai that summer to present this money to Dr. Ryan
and to spend time with him. He was so very impressed with Cameron
and even admitted that he’d never figured that Cameron would be as
perfectly healthy as he was, that he would not have some delays and
lasting effects from the TTTS experience. WOW! That was
humbling…emotional to hear and confirming that we serve one amazing
God!
I
continued to work at finding peace and hope. I still found it so
hard to just be at peace about the fact that my son was in heaven and
I was here. I truly don’t know why I found it so hard but I was up
and down so much in those first two years.
One
Cole’s second angel day I wrote this….
So
today is just a truly crappy day. It's been crappy since the moment I
woke up...in tears. I hate this day and I am not sure I will ever NOT
hate this day. I am very certain that in time this day will have
joyful memories...of things we do, of things the boys do or say. But
right now it just SUCKS!!! I often hear from people when I say things
about Cole and our loss that we are so lucky we have Cameron. And I
know this, appreciate this, cherish this. But today the joy of having
a surviving twin is so heavily overshadowed by the loss of his twin
brother. Even when I think back to that day there aren't really any
joyful memories of Cameron that day with the exception of the words
'baby B is alive or baby B seems to be doing okay' but the reality
was that he wasn't okay and was very sick and that day was filled
with stress, pain, devastation and heartbreak.
I
know that in time there will be happier thoughts of this day and that
I will be able to cope better with it. I have hope...I didn't lose it
that day or in the days that followed. I know that Cole is in an
amazing place and that he is the lucky one. He will never live with
stress, with illness, with pain, with heartache. I know he lives with
loss, I know that he misses us all. But he has God and Jesus to
comfort him and he is very aware of what the reasons are for him to
be there and us to be here. And as life continues on and I can see
those reasons more clearly I am sure that it will be easier for me
too. But for now, for today, I am going to cry, I am going to feel a
heart wrenching sadness, I am going to wish that life was different.
It's just where I am, it's just who I am.
Tomorrow is a new day.
And tomorrow was a new day….and each day that passed that holiday season I stepped a bit closer to peace. Until December 26…well actually maybe December 27th…when I learned that on Boxing Day God called another friend home much earlier than we folks on earth thought he should go. I am just going to share some of what I blogged about exactly 6 years ago today because I can’t rewrite it any better….
(the
back story to where this starts is that Brian had been my friend for
years and we’d had some deepish conversations while drinking but
after our loss and then my water breaking he’d come with another
friend to visit me in the hospital. The other guy friend talked
farming with Geoff and stayed away from sensitive topics. But not
Brian….)
He
took a seat at the end of my bed, looked me in the eye and said "And
how are you really doing?" And then he listened as I told him
what was happening with my boys, no I guess I should say what had
already happened to my boys. He listened as I talked about Cole and
how I felt. He asked questions about what would happen now, what we
planned to do. He told me, more than once, how sorry he was that this
had happened to us and how hard it must be for me to be where I was.
I remember saying to him that I knew that he hadn't had a walk in the
park medically in years past (he had a kidney transplant years
prior). He replied "oh that is nothing compared to what you are
going through. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling right now,
can't imagine what it's like to lose a child...I am so very
sorry".
Well tonight I say to Annette, to Katrina, to Cole (his son's name too)...I am so very sorry and I can't imagine the pain you are all going through. Today you said goodbye to an amazing husband, amazing dad, amazing friend. There will be a gap for years to come, a place that no one can fill. My heart aches for you.
And to Brian I say thank you. Thank you for your smiles, your laughter, your zest for life, your determination, your dedication, your love. Thank you for making me feel important at times...without even trying, I'm sure. I will miss seeing your smiling face and will forever remember you. As I said to Annette, there are a great many things this side of Heaven we are not meant to understand and this is one of them. I am sure that you are sitting with my Cole on your knee sharing stories with him...stories of JF adventures with his mom and farm adventures with his dad, of things about this great community that we live in that he didn't get to be a part of and of the things that all great dad's tell kids...the things that you've told Katrina and Cole countless times. My little one needed a good father figure up there...I wish that you were here but glad that you can have that job in Heaven too.
Take care of him for me, give him a hug and tell him his Mommy misses him....
And Cole, you give a hug back to Brian and tell him that everyone here misses him too!
Today, near the end of the funeral they played 'Angels Among Us'. I had planned to comment more on this song but realize I don't need to...you can tell by what I've wrote that Brian was 'an angel among us' already, long before he became one on Sunday. He helped me in one of my darkest hours, he gave to everyone, showed everyone how to live and is in inspiration to all. And now I can only ask that the angels that live amongst us are here to help his family pick up the pieces and find peace.
Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.
When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees.
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand.
And ain't it kind of funny that at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope.
Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.
They wear so many faces; show up in the strangest places.
To grace us with their mercy, in our time of need.
Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.
To guide us with the light of love.
And
the reason I chose to share this today comes from the peace that
suddenly surrounded me when I thought of Cole being gone. And once
again I go to a past blog entry….
One
more comforting thing I want to share. It’s personal and completely
about Cole. Well not completely. I wanted to share about my intense
feelings of things being okay and being at the greatest place of
peace I have ever felt since he passed away. The reason... Brian, my
friend who passed away a few weeks ago. Recently I have been feeling
such an intense sense of calmness and peace when it comes to Cole and
I really believe that is because I believe that Brian is looking
after Cole...and maybe Cole is looking after Brian too. I think that
in my heart I just needed to know that Cole was being looked after in
Heaven, wherever that may be. That someone was stepping into the role
of parent and raising my son for me. I know that God is there for
him, but let’s be honest, He’s got a lot on his plate. I am sure
that God has many great parents up there for Cole but it brings me
great comfort to know that one of my friends will be giving the love
that he had for his kids here on earth and doing the amazing job he
did as Dad to them to my son. As much as it makes me so very sad that
Cole will spend his life away from me and that Brian will not be
there to see his kids grow up, it also makes me feel very much at
peace to know that he is there for Cole and that they will have each
other.
It
was a very surreal feeling...to know that I finally felt peace at the
loss of my child when other children were now
heartbroken at the loss of their dad and a friend was so shattered at
the loss of her husband. It still feels weird to know that this is
where my grief changed so much for me despite it being 6
years later. And yet at the same time I see the journey that both
Annette, Brian’s wife, and I have taken in our faith since
then and I know that God has
his hand in this, had this plan for our grieving hearts. Though
we may have wished to have chosen a different route to take to get
here, we are both loving living
with a faith we never
knew existed. What an amazing God we serve!
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