I missed Cole so much already and I’d never even gotten to hold him
yet. I missed feeling him move inside of
me, missed the worry of how on earth I’d make it work to feed two newborns, missed
the thoughts of dressing them the same, missed the thoughts of the joy and
uniqueness it would be to be the mom of twins.
I didn’t understand why this had to happen.
What did I do to make this happen?
I knew that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it but part
of me wondered if my sheer terror of having twins, of managing twins, of paying
for the cost of twins plus 2 others made this happen. Did God decide that I really couldn’t handle
it after all? Did me not being joyful
and excited upon finding out there were two lives inside of me make him decide
that it just wasn’t meant to be?
I wanted to be happy that Cameron was alive and safe inside of me, I wanted
to be joyful that I was going to have one baby, not no babies but then I’d feel
guilty that I was not grieving for the child I had lost. I wondered if I would ever really be able to
grieve properly. I had nothing
physically to hold and it all seemed unreal that Cole, really wasn’t still
moving in there. I wondered if when it
was all over and I was able to hold Cameron safe in my arms, would I be able to
grieve for Cole then or would I even be able to hold him? I wondered if I could handle that and how
long was it going to be until that happened?
I didn’t want Cameron to be born then but I wanted to hold the life I’d
lost, I wanted to cherish his little hands and feet, look into his little
face. But delivery meant the end, the
final reality and I didn’t know if I could handle that. What would it be like to hold my tiny still
son? How would Cole look? What kind of a horrible mommy would I be if I
decided I couldn’t look? What kind of a
memory would it forever leave with me to look?
I feared what that time would be like for us. I wondered if the joy of Cameron’s birth
would overshadow the sorrow of the closure of Cole’s short little life. It hardly seemed fair to him. And in saying that, I wondered if the sadness
and sorrow we’d feel at having the closure, at holding Cole’s still body and
feeling the finality of it all would overshadow the joy I would feel for
Cameron and his miracle birth. It’s was
all so mixed up in my head, so tough to imagine, so bittersweet.
Christmas was
pretty anticlimactic that year. I didn’t
wrap presents, didn’t do any baking or cooking, didn’t open any more Christmas
cards and I didn’t want to see anyone. I
forced myself to go forward because I had to.
Zack and Brycen didn’t understand why I was so sad, they didn’t
understand that the joy of the holiday was lost on me. And so we carried on and I tried to keep my
grief in check for them.
Inside I was
still so full of mixed feelings and still felt like I’d been run over by a train with the speed and devastation
that our TTTS had entailed. We’d had
such a short time to come to terms with TTTS before we lost Cole and it just
felt like I was completely lost and alone in this world of unknowns. I knew
myself and knew that knowing my babies were sick and learning about this
disease while it ravaged theirs and my body would have driven me nuts. I
wouldn't have slept and I would have been obsessed with it. The only other
stories I was reading at that point after the TTTS happened that sounded like
mine came from the places to support those who lost both babies, often
stillborn before they ever knew there was a problem. I could have found comfort
in knowing we didn't completely run out of time and though it was quick it wasn't
so quick as to not save Cameron. But I didn’t usually feel comfort in this, I
just felt anger that it had to happen at all. I just wanted my baby back,
alive, kicking and growing. I didn’t want to give birth to his lifeless body. I
didn’t want to raise his brother as forever part of a team that's missing a key
player. I wanted my life back. I wanted to stop crying at bizarre times and I
wanted to stop this pain!!!!
I would love to tell you
that it got better, that I settled into this world of twin loss and coped. That might have come it I could have stopped
myself form trying to find the ‘lesson’ on all of this, if I could have just
accepted that there were things this side of Heaven that we are not meant to
understand and if I could have stopped asking why. Again, something that would take me, well
years, to really be able to be comfortable with….that is say that even now, as I write this, there are
still days I ask why and wonder about the purpose in all of this.
The grief counsellor that
we began seeing suggested that I write….write letters to both my twins,
together and separate, journal, blog.
She also suggested I write letters to those who I felt had treated me
unfairly or had minimized my loss. I had
a lot of anger towards a certain person who had hurt with me in how he had
dealt with our loss. She told me then, but
it would take many months for me to really understand this and move on, that
when you deal with a crisis it sometimes becomes easier to focus your feelings
on one thing or person….to direct all the anger you are feeling at one person
and that holds up your grieving process. It keeps you from moving forward, but
oh, it is so easy to do!
No comments:
Post a Comment