Stories of Hope - Jodie's Story 19

I spent a lot of time asking questions and playing ‘what if’ games and asking why.  What if we chose to wait and deliver as soon as they were big enough?  What if we’d gone to London for a better scan and been seen by a high risk doctor?  Why did Cole live as long as he if he had so little share of the placenta and such a poor cord insertion?  Why did Cole die so quickly?  Why did TTTS come out of nowhere and progress so rapidly?  And I also asked why I didn’t lose both?  Why was Cameron spared and born with so few complications?  Some of those questions have answers now and others never will.  I’m glad I asked them, glad I wrote them down. It was the start of a process that took me into researching what had happened and learning everything I could about our case as well as TTTS in general.  I soon began to realize that there were so many things against us, against Cole, that we really would not have had much chance of our outcome being any better…but could have had a much worse out come if we’d made different choices.

Learning all that I could changed things for me but also learning that I had never had control over any of this anyway also changed things.  It didn't matter that I wasn't overjoyed at the news of twins, that I didn't spend the time with Cole that I would have liked or that sometimes I knew it is easier. The guilt didn’t matter because I couldn't change anything. I could be angry about it if I wanted but anger was so powerful...and doesn't change things either. I didn't get to choose this for my family but I did get to learn from it. I began to see that  we MUST be happy with the gifts God gives us...there is no point in not celebrating the gift of life inside of you when you find out you are expecting a baby….or two that you weren’t planning...God put it there for a reason. I know that I didn't will Cole to die because I was scared and that God didn't take him for that reason either. I don't know the reason but it wasn't to 'teach me a lesson', punish me for my sins or because he thought I couldn't afford 4 kids. He doesn't work that way and I needed to stop ‘working’ that way too.

From that I realized that I had no right to pass judgment on anyone. I didn't have the right to say 'why did that woman get to keep her twins', 'why does that teenage mom who can't afford a baby have one', 'why does someone who doesn't care about her kids get to keep her child and I lost mine'....because I don't the right to question His actions!!! He has done this for a reason of his own and in time it may become clearer to me or it may take me till I reach Heaven to truly understand. Either way it is His decision.

There was much work to be done and times I felt very alone and distant from God, times I just couldn’t find peace with what had happened and times I just wanted to scream about so many things.  I began to forgive myself for actions and reactions I’d had as well as my body for failing me and my boys.  I began the process of forgiving others for things they did that hurt or caused me anger and negative feelings towards them. 

And then I hit a section of this book where I had to forgive God.  Initially I didn’t really think this was a big deal as I hadn’t actually felt that much anger towards him but as I began to explore this I realized I had lots to resolve yet…

The author shared that "The concept of 'forgiving God' makes me feel uneasy. Yet anger and bitterness toward God are far more common than most would like to admit. If we are honest about our anger toward God and admit how we feel that God has let us down or has been unfair; then we can begin to heal."

And for me, it's wasn’t about forgiving God because I believed that was keeping me from a closer relationship with him...I'm wasn’t sure I was at that place yet as a Christian. For me, forgiving God was more about moving forward in healing....being able to cope with the pain and loss and seeing the positives in everything that has happened.

And so I wept and wept as I read and reread this letter and then burnt it and blew the ashes up to heaven….

God;
You let me down. You didn’t save Cole when you could have. You could have stopped TTTS from happening to my boys but you didn’t. You could have made the placenta perfect so that no growth issues would have happened but you didn’t. You didn’t have to separate my boys forever, you didn’t need another angel in Heaven. You took my baby from me before I could ever enjoy seeing him and feeling his soft sweet skin. You allowed me no time to be his mommy and to be the mommy of living twins. You did this to me and I have no idea why.
You could have intervened and allowed Geoff and I to have time with both our boys and have moments to hold them together. You could have given me courage, peace and strength to hold, touch and kiss Cole.

You could have allowed me to enjoy the pregnancy with my twins and eased my mind about my stresses but that didn’t happen.

If all these horrible things had to happen than the least that could have happened was for me to remain here at home with my other kids until it was time for Cameron to arrive….but that didn’t happen either.

I am so damn angry sometimes, I want to move on but really I just want it all to start over again. I hurt and I ache and I want my baby here with me. It’s been months since he died, months since I last saw him and yet it feels like just yesterday that I heard those fated words.

Take this anger and this blame…I offer it up to you and ask that you forgive me for feeling this way. Help me to release to You my unmet expectations so that I can continue to heal.

And guess what, it actually made me feel so much better and God’s work on my heart continued.  I knew, in time, I would get through this dark hole I was in and I would see the light…it just would take patience and time.