I Won't Let Go

Over the last few days I’ve been hearing this song, I Won’t Let Go by Rascal Flatts every morning on my way to work. It’s a beautiful song…hopefully you can hear it on here and here are the lyrics.
I Won’t Let Go – Rascal Flatts
It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It’s breaks your will
It feels like that
You think your lost
But you’re not lost on your own
You’re not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let go
It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh it finds us all
And we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh but when it rains
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let you fall
Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won’t let you down
It won’t get you down
Your gonna make it
Yea I know you can make it
Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won’t let go
Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won’t let go
Won’t let you go
No I won’t

It says exactly what I felt I had and have in some amazing people in my life and today I want to pay tribute to them and comment further on this song…. And forgive me…this is going to be a long post!!
I was and am so blessed to have some people in my life who have stood by me my whole life, in good times and bad, in happiness and sadness. The first who come to mind are my family… my parents, my brothers and their wives and kids. My parents are the perfect example of what I think all parents should be like. I’d like to think that everyone’s parents would support them through every part of their lives like mine have but I know that isn’t always the case, I know that I am truly blessed to have my awesome Mom and Dad. I know they don’t always agree with what I’ve done or do and sometimes I hear about it but most times they sit back and let me figure it out for myself. But more than that they have been there for me when my life became a crisis, when I couldn’t find my way up or down, when I needed someone to help me pick up the pieces and when I desperately needed to be held, have my tears wiped (and my forehead in the middle of a life saving procedure…thanks Dad!). I know that it hurt them to see me cry…and it still does….and I’d be lying to you if I said I wasn’t pretty teary right now. I am so very grateful for all they’ve done and all they continue to do for me, for my family.
I have so many wonderful friends that have held me up, dried my tears and been my rock. I am not going to mention them all and I apologize ahead of time if I didn’t include you on this post…there are so many and only so much room. My BFF, my dearest most wonderful friend who cyber held me, held me up over the phone and sent packages, money and love through the mail lives in Arizona. Charlotte and I have been the best of friends since the early 90’s and we’ve had a great many adventures together. She always knows the right thing to say to make me laugh and to make me cry. She knows when I need her and she knows just what to share and what to keep to herself. She has the most amazing faith and during our TTTS journey she sent many messages of that faith. At the time, I admit, it really was more than I could accept at times. I just wasn’t there yet, I just wasn’t ready. I’m still miles behind but I see the God she’s been telling about and I try so hard to live the way He wants me to and use her as a role model to do it. I love her like a sister…she really is the sister I never had.
I also have some dear friends in the community of Lucknow who I’ve come to cherish and hold dear. These girls and their families had become a part of our lives years before our crisis began and though we didn’t see each other often, we always seemed to be able to pick up right where we left off when we got together again. When our family crisis hit these girls amazed me. Denise had had a closer relationship with me than the others but I soon came to realize that I now had some of the most amazing friends in this little group. Kerry and Denise came to see me in the hospital, they brought and sent packages of food and treats, they called, they emailed, the commented on the blog and they were there for all of us. They came and cleaned my house, more than once (and Lucknow is almost an hour away!). They offered their help before and during our memorial service and gave us a wonderful gift to use in Cole’s garden. This group of friends is a newer one in my life, 8 years old or less (Denise and I met in triage when Zack was born) and yet I feel, and know, that I could and can count on them for anything! I feel close to them now and am so happy to have them holding me up as they do so often on my crappy days.
I am blessed with friends like this in our community too, friends who went above and beyond the call of duty when looking after my kids (as in the case of our amazing babysitter, Cheryl), friends who drove down to see me on a regular basis when I was in the hospital (Christine, Sue, Tracey, Cheryl to name a few) and friends throughout the community who remember when it is a special day or a memory day…or just a day where I look like I could use a hug.
And I am so blessed to have a huge group of cyber friends who offer support all the time. They are an amazing group of people who have struggled with TTTS, twin loss, baby loss or crisis and they have helped me get through some very dark and confusing times. Most especially I would like to pay tribute to my friends at Fetal Hope; Tammy and Lonnie, who called me, answered tough questions and did research for me and to Ali Morgan who was my first real cyber TTTS mommy friend who talked me through tough times at time when she struggled herself to come to grips with what had happened in her life. My friends Tara and Matt, parents of Cole’s namesake, Noah Cole and Jack Lawrence have no idea the magnitude of what they’ve done for me. They have allowed me to feel hope again in the TTTS world and helped me to overcome my feelings of anger and animosity towards those who were lucky enough to beat this dreadful disease. There are countless of these type of cyber friends….thanks for holding me, you have no idea what it means to me.
Really all over my life there are friends like this. I am so blessed to have people who won’t let me go, who hold me up, dry my tears, who hold me tight and fight my fight. I truly hope that I have and can continue to be that kind of person for someone else but I fear that I am selfish at times and don’t give back as much as I should. But I don’t do things for others for thanks or gratitude, I don’t offer support, hold them up or wipe away (mostly their cyber) tears for any other reason than I want to give it back. I will admit that I was touched when, in mentioning my blog post subject to Tara, she sent me this message when I said I’d write about how there are people who hold us up when we can’t stand anymore, who wipe our tears when we are too tired to do it ourselves….
… like you were doing with us! You were the one person who helped us the most out side of hospital. Even family were not as involved as you. You always said the right things. You were great!!! Matt says the same about you. Through it all, you were the one person we could be truthful with and who would be truthful back and who didnt just say 'stay positive' that and 'fingers crossed' I hated them phrases, drove me mad in the end; You listened and knew what we were going through. You were the only one who could be there 100% for that what we will always be grateful.... you didn't brush me off once. Cole lives in you still, you're both Angels.
And when I think of that way that makes me think of the words of this song from a different perspective…and that is exactly what came to me as I drove to work this morning. I was thinking of the first type of message I got from this song which lead me to think of Cole. And suddenly I just felt this strong urge to say thanks to God for holding me, for fighting my fight and holding me tight and drying my tears. I, suddenly, felt so close to Cole and felt like I was getting a message right from God. He will stand by you and help you through. When you’ve done all you can do and you can’t cope, He will dry your eyes, fight your fight and He will hold you tight. I am very certain that my little angel does these things for me too…for all of our family. We just need to open our minds to the possibilities, the places, the feelings that bring our little Cole to our minds..and that’s just where he might be.
I hope you all have someone in your life who can hold you tight and fight your fight because we all need those people in our lives..but know that you always have ‘someone’ there who does that for you…all you have to do is believe, and ask in the form of prayer. All it takes is faith.