Living in the Shadow of Loss

Have you ever thought that you are living in someone's shadow? Have you ever thought that you carry more baggage then you should have to, then is really yours to carry or wondered at the heaviness that seems to be a part of your heart and aren't even sure how it got there?  Have you ever looked at someone else oh, maybe even your own children, and wondered how they are going to make out with the hand life has dealt them? I ask these questions because in the last few years I've had a few encounters with friends who've lost a child and, in watching their grief journey, in remembering our own grief journey, I often wonder about the siblings, especially the surviving twin sibling, and how our grief manifests in them.  



Very early in my loss journey, probably within the first 6 months or so, a relative of mine contacted me with concerns about how much I talked about Cole. She spoke from the heart because she grew up under the shadow of loss herself. Her sister was killed in a car accident and life in their house was never the same again. Not surprising, how could life ever be the same after you lose a child or sibling? But her concern wasn't really about life not being the same but rather about my own children growing up feeling like they were being compared to their sibling that had passed away. It's sort of that comparison that can leave the person feeling like they're just not enough.

At the time I was a little bit hurt and yet really appreciated the wake-up call. It made me reevaluate how I presented things to my kids and it made me more cautious about how Cameron perceived his twinship.

I think I've done a good job but it's also been a 10-year project in the making. We've always been very cautious and how we talked about TTTS to Cameron and and how Cole’s illness, the cause of his death, is presented to him. For those of you who don't really understand what happened in TTTS, in mono di twins the babies share a placenta. As that placenta was formed, vessels grew across it connecting one baby to the other. In about 80% of the cases this is not a problem, although the babies are connected, the blood stays circulating within each baby side of the placenta and there are no issues. But in 20% of the cases something happens and the blood begins to shunt from one baby, the donor, across the placenta and into the other baby, the recipient.  And that's what happened with my boys. Cameron was giving up blood and it was travelling across the placenta into Cole. It made his heart work harder, which made him urinate more, which increased the fluid that he was swimming in, which made his heart work even harder. I guess just a vicious circle. If we presented that to Cameron, in the wrong way, he could have grown up believing that he caused his brother's death but giving him his blood.  Or if he'd been the recipient, the Cole in the situation, he could have grown up believing that he took so much from his brother that he caused his twin's death. So we've always been really cautious on how we presented it.

But that's not the only reason we were cautious. We also have never wanted Cameron to grow up thinking he wasn't enough. We've always wanted him to understand that he was his own person, and although he is a twin, he is not half, not a portion, not an incomplete part. He is an individual and he is awesome. And while we wish his brother was here, that doesn't take away from who he is and what he has become. We celebrate how awesome it is that he has a twin brother, that God chose them to grow together right from the start. But we stop it there. We separate it at that point and choose to celebrate the amazing gifts God gave each of our kids and make sure they know how proud we are of them. We let them know they are wanted, loved, cherished and valued individuals and members of our family. We want them to know that they are enough.

All children need to grow up feeling this way but I think it’s especially important when they are growing up after the trauma of losing a sibling...even if they were too young to remember. I am not saying that they should not grow up knowing about their sibling. The exact opposite actually. They need to know about them, to hear about them and feel the love you have for them so they can connect with them too. But they also need a healthy balance between life and death, between gentle loving reminders and constant connections. A balance between some tributes, photos and mementos and visual reminders in every room. A balance between their name spoken occasionally and their name being part of every conversation. A balance between celebrating the milestones they are achieving and grieving over the fact that their twin isn't their to celebrate this milestone.

The biggest reason for this, in my opinion, is because they need to feel that they are important, that they are enough, that you are delighted in them. They continued to live and build memories. Their life didn’t stop. They need to see that celebrated. They need to feel that celebration with all the positive, life giving energy you’ve got. Their photo wall gets to keep growing. Their shelf of things that remind you of them keeps expanding. They keep getting bigger and that means the shadow they cast should also keep getting bigger. They shouldn’t be growing up under a shadow and they won’t be if they are celebrated for the joyful blessing that they are.  Let their milestones and achievements be theirs, let them have their birthdays, their first steps, their first haircuts, their first day of school or sports be theirs and theirs alone.  In your heart you can weep for what should have been but our surviving twins and our surviving children need to feel celebrated without any shadows over them!

Who You'd Be Today...Who I'd be Today

Today is the 13th birthday of an online friend's twin boys.  Only instead of celebrating with 'sweaty, fighting, confident, scrawny teenage boys' she went to the cemetery.  Instead of their whole family celebrating these boys becoming teenagers together, her ex-husband went to the cemetery himself and she and a friend are taking her girls.  

She wrote about how much life changed because of the hand they were dealt 13 years ago today.  She wrote about about how much things changed for the worst 13 years ago today.  She talked about how much things have changed and how much courage she has now after living life after loss.  And she wrote about how different she is now, how life before and life after are just so different.  

And as I read her post this song popped into my head.....

I've thought of this song often over the years because I do often wonder 'who' Cole would be today. We all do.  We talk about it sometimes.  Would he be talkative, loud and energetic like Cam or would he be more reserved.  Would he live life as big as Cam or would he take a back seat to Cam's antics and sometimes dramatics?  Maybe he'd be a deep thinker and feeler like Brycen.  Maybe he'd have a rebellious streak like Zack.  Who knows?  I could spend a life time feeling wishful and wanting to know....but I turned most of that area of my brain off years ago.  It just hurts too much to think of that sometimes but more than that, it doesn't do justice to the boy that Cole did become...the one who inspires passion, dedication, caring and a supportive nature in the family he left behind.  

But that doesn't mean that songs like this don't cut deep.... read the words and think about someone you've lost far too early... 

Who You'd be Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
I still can't believe you're gone

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world, would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
I know it might sound crazy

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Today, today, today
Today, today, today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

Someday, someday

It's impossible not to feel some pain.  

But now I want you read those lyrics again and think of yourself, the person who loved and forever lost a part of their heart when their loved one left them far too soon.  

Do you wonder who you'd be today if it hadn't happened? 

I know I do.  Often. in difficult moments, I wish the old me could come back.  The old me who was more innocent, less passionate, who wore her heart on her sleeve less.  The old me who thought the friendships she valued would be there for life, the girl who thought she'd experienced the worst life had to offer when she lost her boyfriend to cancer, said goodbye to a special friend who died in a car accident, helped a special family she worked for say goodbye to their very special little boy.  The old me who didn't get triggered by a variety of images, memories, smells, sounds and words.  

I wonder who I'd be today more often than I want to admit.  Sometimes it's with a sad heart when I think of all that got lost on that fateful day, of the girl who got left behind.  I wonder about friendships that didn't survive the loss. Of a marriage that has never been the same.  Of goals and plans that never got realized when priorities suddenly changed.

But then I also wonder if I would be who I am today, the person I am actually sometimes proud of, if my heart hadn't shattered that day.  If I hadn't had to pick up the pieces of that broken heart and try to figure out how they could fit back together with a big piece missing, would I have appreciated my kids as much as I do and valued their uniqueness?  Would I have found a way to put the feelings that come with loss on paper and been able to offer them as a comfort to others?  Would I have a passion for helping others, would I care so much, invest so much of myself in being there for people I've never even met?  I wonder if I would have ever gained the knowledge base about babies, pregnancy, complications, procedures, ultrasounds, doctors and clinics etc

Death tore the pages of life as I knew it away and, while I sometimes miss who I was, I love who I am.  I live for the hope that salvation gives me, the knowledge that I'll see my son again in heaven.  Maybe the old me will be found there too and then I'll be fully complete and whole. But since I don't know someday will be I will, instead, live for today and make the very best of what I have been given. 

Inspirations and Legacies

About a week ago my extended family lost one their own in a tragic and unbelievable accident.  This second cousin of mine, Amy, was a few years younger than me and grew up on the farm next door.  In a community as small as the one I grew up in, it was inevitable that you had cousins in your class, cousins on your bus, cousins in your church, cousins on your sports team....cousins everywhere.  
But given I left that community over 25 years ago, it's also inevitable that you don't speak to most of these second cousins for years and years.  And while I did see many of them a few weeks ago at our town's homecoming reunion that happens every 10 years, I didn't actually talk to anyone from this branch of the family.  But that doesn't mean we don't stay somewhat connected (thank you facebook) nor does it mean my heart doesn't hurt for all of them...her kids and husband, her parents, her siblings and all her aunts, uncles, cousins and her grandma....the last matriarch in that generation of the family tree. 


I found out she passed when I saw this photo posted by her sister  and then read all the comments of condolences, and, well, shock.  No quote could be more fitting to this situation than this one.  No one could have ever predicted this happening but something I heard yesterday when I went to her visitation made me wonder if maybe she did sense life was about to change.  
 You see her dad made a point of sharing with me and my parents that just two days prior to her death she had a deep and spiritual conversation with him.  She told him that she had such a sense of peace and contentment in her life right now.  She told him that she didn't go to church often any more but that almost every Sunday morning she would go for a run or a walk and she'd talk to God. She said she felt like her life was exactly where God wanted it to be right now and she was so content with everything, so at peace.  His eyes met mine as he said that and I was filled with such a sense of peace too.  But more than that, I was filled with words to share.  I shared with him that I felt God gave her that moment with him and that those were the words he needed to hear and the memory God wanted him to have at that moment.  He had no idea that he didn't have much time left with this oldest daughter of his but in that moment he was given such a gift from her.  
And as I shared those words with him it became my turn to give him a hug and offer my words of condolences.  I found myself overcome with tears as I hugged this dad who was missing his child so much but I had no idea that I was about to be moved to tears even further.  Her dad stepped back slightly from me and looked me in the eyes and he said "Don't stop doing what you do for others.  Don't stop sharing your heart.  Don't stop helping other people the way you do.  I read everything you share online and how much you put your heart out there.  Don't stop that.  People need it, need you, more than you know."  
Wow.  Just wow.  
He went to tell me that so many people had shared with him the impact his daughter had on their lives and he was sure she had no idea what an inspiration she was. She changed lives by sharing boldly and by helping others and he told me that I do this too. He reminded me again to not stop being me, to not stop sharing what's on my heart because I just don't know who needs to hear it. 
It made me realize that we just don't know.  We don't how much we are impacting others. We don't know who hears our words or reads our thoughts.  We don't realize that so much of what do in life impacts others in ways we may never hear about.  I don't think when I write a message of support or write a blog post of the impact it may have.  I may do it to help other people sometimes but often I just start writing, like I am today, without any real thoughts on who will read it, where I am heading with it or what people might think of what I am saying.  Sometimes I write to support others.  Sometimes I write to offer others who might be walking a similar path some words they can relate to or, even better yet, share to help people in their own life understand them better.  Much of the time I start with a tiny idea that seems to explode, often in a direction that I wasn't even planning.  Someone once told me that God is using me, that the Holy Spirit is speaking through me.  That's pretty cool. And it makes me realize that my cousin's dad (guess that makes him my cousin too) is right.  I can't stop sharing because it's what I'm supposed to do. And I can't stop because I don't know how long I have left in my life to do this.  
We don't know how much time we have on this earth.  As Dean Brody says (check out the end of this blog for his song....speaks volumes, trust me) ' The trouble is you think you have time.  You think tomorrows always coming down the line. And then one day you wake up and you find the trouble is you thought you had time'
We always think we have time to do this 'one thing', that we can get to it tomorrow.  But Amy didn't get a tomorrow and maybe I won't either.  Maybe this is all the life I've got.  Amy's brother in law, who I've known since I was a little kid, made a comment yesterday that he didn't think he'd have many people come to say goodbye, many people who would miss him.  He said he didn't think he'd made much of impact on the world but that Amy sure had.  I have no idea if he's right but I think not.  I think many of us might be amazed by the impact we've had on others.  I was sure taken by surprise yesterday.  
And I guess that's where my title of this blog comes in. We don't know who we inspire and we don't know the legacy we'll leave behind.  And that's ok...I don't really think we're supposed to know that.  We just need to live our lives to the fullest, share our lives with others, share our hearts with others.  And what we need to make sure we do while we are on this earth is to cherish those who've inspired us and whose legacy we are a part of.  
Sometimes those who inspire us, whose legacies we transpire to fulfill weren't even a part of our earthly lives for long or perhaps weren't even someone we lived life with in a physical way but rather their footprints were left on our hearts in some way by their spiritual presence.  For me there are many people who inspire me and a few legacies I want to ensure are as valued to others as they are to me. 
Of no surprise to anyone, my son Cole has inspired me in ways I could have never imagined and left a legacy behind that I vow to fulfill for the rest of my life.  
And since we never know how much time we have left to live a legacy, to be inspired, to leave a legacy and inspire others then I just will promise to not stop doing what I'm doing ,to use the gifts God gave me and be all that I can be.  

Thankful for the Scars

I have a scar. I have a scar that means so much to me. It is a scar that I've had for a long time, a scar so faded that sometimes I can hardly find it. But this scar is so tied to some other scars that no matter how much it fades, I'll always know it's there. The other scars, the ones that it's tied to, they're on my heart. And they are scars that will be with me forever. And for that I am thankful.

I came across this song a few months ago and downloaded it. I listened to it a few times without really reflecting on the words at all. And then a few weeks ago, while out for a walk of solitude, reflection and worship; my God time; the words completely resonated with me and stirred this blog post in my heart.

Have a listen. Read the words. Let them resonate with you too. 

"Scars"
Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn't trade it for anything
Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You'll use

So I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Now I'm standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I'm not who I was before
No, I don't have to fear anymore

So I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory

I'm thankful for Your scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart
And with my life I'll tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful

My physical scar is located on the side of my abdomen and is the spot that marks where life changed forever for me. It is the spot where are hero, Dr. Ryan, entered my womb to save the life of my children. And it truly is very difficult to find now. I've lost and gained so much weight over the years that I have a lot of stretch marks and it blends in very nicely. 

But I can always find it, I can always feel it. And that's because it's so closely tied to the scars that are on my heart. Those scars were formed the day I learned that Cole was no longer with us. My heart shattered that day and I didn't know if it would ever be put back together again. 

Over time it has slowly healed, slowly mended. But as with any injury, any serious injury that is, there's always a scar.

And my scars, well they tell a story. A story of heartache, of hurt, of sadness, of some deceit and mistrust, and of what it took to put it all back together. The story of who it took to put it all back together. They tell the story of my Redemption, my salvation.

I'm not sure that is what this song I would say to other people. I think that the artist was really talking more about the scars of Jesus not the scars of the person singing or listening to the song. But for me, while I am very grateful for those scars too, I am just as grateful, maybe even more grateful, for my own scars.

It was my scars that led me to search for answers. And as I wrote earlier this week, the answers aren't really important, but searching for them leads you to the what. The what does Jesus want me to do, the what is the purpose of my life, the what can I take from this journey and make it something miraculous.

And so my scars led me to that. They took me on a journey to find my way to some sort of redemption. I'm thankful, as hard as it is to say that, as much as it brings me to tears as I write this, I am thankful for the loss of my child. Without that loss I don't know that it ever would have found Jesus the way I have. I don't know that it ever would have meant what it does now, if life would have ever had the purpose it has now. If I ever could've even begun to grasp what Jesus came to this earth to do, ever could have understood the little bit that I actually understand.

And the thing is, that it is a really hard thing to come to, being thankful for that particular scar. It is really hard to be grateful for the loss of your child. And as I write this I'm weepy because it's such a hard place to be in. How do you come to terms with the fact that it's a good thing, a redemptive thing, to have lost a child? And yeah, I'm not going to lie, I don't always feel that. I'm not always able to put myself in the place of gratitude for the fact that my child is not growing up here with me, alongside his twin brother, alongside his older brothers, in my house, with my husband and I. Sometimes, that's a really not okay.

But most of the time, I can look at it as a blessing, I can see it with a thankful heart. My scars, the scars that I'm grateful for, they led me to find greater purpose in life. 'I wouldn't trade them for anything cause my brokenness brought me to Jesus and these wounds are a story he'll use.'

My scars led me to look into what I could use the gifts that God gave me for. My scars brought me to a place where I sought out other people who understood. And then I sought out other people who needed to understand, who needed to know that people out there understood. It led me to look into what information was out there, what could I learn about all that it happened to us, how could I use that to help someone else.

But maybe more than that, my scars led me to just be thankful. Be thankful for everything we have, the blessings there is in my life that I live here on Earth. My scars led me to love deeper, to live life fuller, to appreciate, give, to have, to hold, to be present in this life. I'm thankful for the scars for without them I don't know who I would be. I'm thankful for the scars for without them I would not know Jesus. I'm thankful for the scars for without them I would not know who Cole is, I would not know his heart. I'm thankful for my scars because without my scars I would be without Cole and I would be without Cameron.

I'm thankful for Cole's scars too. His scars are as a deeply a part of me, of my heart, as my own. They are what ties me to him. His damaged heart that never received physical scars of healing will forever have spiritual scars of divine healing. His heart surely has scars of his own desire to have been able to grow up here with us family and how his energy left him to dwell in us so that he could. His scars are the kind that make your heart beat faster, your senses to tingle at times when you reflect on the journey that has happened because he existed, because he moved people to do things in his honour. 'I'm thankful for his scars 'cause without them I wouldn't know his heart and with my life I'll tell of who he is....So forever I am thankful'
That scar, that faded one on my abdomen... yeah I'm very thankful for it and I'm very thankful for what it ties to on my heart.

Caught Up in the Why

We often miss out on the amazingness of God because we're caught up in the why. We're stuck trying to figure out why something happened...did we do something to deserve this, is there a plan in this, who made the mistake that brought this etc. In the head spinning that we're doing trying to sort it out, as often miss the other miracles happening, we often miss what we could do with what we know and understand now.

I don't think this is any more or less applicable then when a parent loses a child.

I heard a 'sermon' (what an antiquated word) last month that really made me ponder this so I'm going to expand on the 'sermon notes' and explore it through the lens of a loss parent, specifically a parent who lost a twin.

In John 9 we read the story of a blind man who meets Jesus.

John 9:1‭-‬2 MSG
Walking down the street, Jesus saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked, “Rabbi, who sinned: this man or his parents, causing him to be born blind?”
The disciples were consumed with who sinned to make him blind. There must be a reason. They didn't think about the fact they were with a man who performed miracles but rather, why did it happen?

We do this too. We focus on the why and miss what's really happening and miss the miracle in it. We are stuck at the why and can't move forward to the awesome things God has planned for us.  I think when you lose a twin you tend to focus on the loss, at least at first, and not the miracle of the life that remains.  In our case it was miraculous that Cameron was not sick, at all, when they were diagnosed.  It was miraculous that the diagnosis happened when it did and that surgery happened as quickly as it did.  It was miraculous that only Cole rapidly declined in health, miraculous that Cameron wasn't more affected by Cole's passing.  But it was do hard to focus on that in my grief.  Later it was miraculous that Cameron wasn't born at 26 weeks and miraculous that he wasn't affected by all he endured inutero.  But again, it was hard to focus on that when my heart was so broken. 

John 9:3‭-4 MSG
Jesus said, “You’re asking the wrong question. You’re looking for someone to blame. There is no such cause-effect here. Look instead for what God can do. We need to be energetically at work for the One who sent me here, working while the sun shines.

Jesus jumps in and tells the disciples that no one sinned but that it happened so the works of God can be displayed in this man. Now to some they could say this, or perhaps twist this, to suggest that this happened so God could show off so to speak. And it's easy to understand why people might think that way when you think about people in your life or in the public eye who do this…who promote the good works they've done, who jump in to a situation and genuinely do make a positive impact on it...but are sure to make sure everyone knows the good they did.
But that's not how God works.

Regardless we can't search for why something happened but rather just need accept that it just happened. Does it make sense? No. Do we wish it would have happened to someone else? Not really but we sure wish it didn't happen to us. Did we deserve it? No.

Did I do something wrong to deserve my child leaving before I ever met him? Did my sins and transgressions finally catch up with me? Did God feel I couldn't handle raising twins? Heck my biggest question was similar…'God if you never meant me to bring 2 babies home in the first place, then why make me pregnant with twins in the first place?' The answer to all of those first questions is a resounding NO. The answer to the last one...well when we stop asking why and looking for a reason, we can move onto what God wants to do with what is happening, not what happened.

When we stop searching for answers to why our child passed away, why they got the illness that took them, why the mistakes happened in the medical field, why the accident happened, why this is our life ...when we stop looking for answers to the why we can start to see what is happening, what God is doing with our journey.

Romans 8:28 NIV
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

What if we stop asking why and ask what instead? I know I can't understand why this has happened but what do you want me to do God?

I’ve asked this, in my own way and in my own time and the resounding answer is to help others through it, to use the brokenness my heart experienced to empathize with others. To use the information that I HAD to have, had to understand, about everything that happened to us to walk alongside another family and offer them support. I’m not going to lie, that was really hard to do times and it looked a lot different, had a much different purpose I think in the beginning. Initially I shared my story a lot in various groups because I wanted, no needed, to talk about Cole and I needed to keep reliving the boys journey as a way to hold on to him and, perhaps, to draw attention to myself. Transparency at it’s best here folks! 

Later on I couldn’t handle ‘helping’ anyone who had 2 surviving twins, couldn’t walk beside those who’s surgery was successful. So I offered my support mostly to families who’d experienced loss.
In time I felt a nudge to enter back into uncomfortable places because I knew that it was great to help those with broken hearts but maybe I could help others to not experience broken hearts.

John 9:4-5
While it is daytime, we must do the works of Him who sent Me. Night is coming, when no one can work. While I am in the world, I am the light of the world.”

We only have so much time on this planet and what we do with our time matters. It was time I walked into uncomfortable places so that, hopefully, less families would walk the path we walked. Now I walk comfortably in the world of mono di twins and share openly what I know and, often, a bit more guardedly, our story. I don’t hide the reality of TTTS but I don’t start the conversation with it either.

We are here. We are in the world and we can be the light. God always works in partnership with humanity. God will send you if you are hurting, broken, hungry, poor, lost etc. It might feel ridiculous but it is what God called you to. Sometimes you have to do something a little bit ridiculous for God to do something a lot miraculous.

Let’s go back to John 9. After the blind man meets Jesus and has mud and spit put on his eyes he has to crawl down hundreds of stairs to wash in the pool of Siloam and he can then see. Picture that….you are a blind man who’s just encountered a man rumoured to be a healer. Your world is dark and you live by sounds, smells and touch. So some man you’ve never met just spit in the mud, rubbed it your face and told you to walk hundreds of steps to a bathing pool. You do that and you can see!

The blind man tells everyone he meets and the story sounds so ridiculous that no one believes him. They ask his parents and they say ask the man himself. Essentially he tells them, again, what happened and that he does not know who the man who healed him is, if he is a sinner or not. He does not know why he can see but what he knows is that he can see.



As the pastor I heard speak on this says “We just have to know what we know and not worry about what we don't.''

I don’t know why my son died. I don’t know why my twins didn’t get to grow up together. I don’t know why this is the path of my life. What I do know is that God is walking it with me, that Jesus came and met me in a few different ways, in a few different places and brought me stories, people and information out of nowhere….all of which gave me hope. What I do know is that God has given me a gift to write and the Holy Spirit breathes words into me that I can share that may help others find that hope too. And what I also know is that someday we will all be reunited again. Someday the answers to the why’s will be clear….or perhaps clearer. For now I will focus on what….what I can do with what I know, what I experienced, what I see, what I sense and what I feel. For now the what is all that matters.

God Didn't Abandon You

The motivation behind this post has been on my heart for a long time, a good 2 years for sure though really a lot longer than that I'm thinking. 

As you may know, I live, figuratively of course, in a world of online support for those who have suffered a loss, especially the loss of a baby. It's a hard world to be part of, its not natural and none of us really want to be there but its wonderful to have a community of people who understand.  Frequently there are conversations about faith and there are, like everywhere in the world, those who believe and embrace, those who adamantly push faith away, and those who are stuck with so many questions so much anger, disappointment, frustration and sadness that they cannot wrap their head around God's place in their journey.

And I was definitely in that place for a lot of years. Even after I came to the Lord fully when the boys were around 2.5 , I still struggled with why God would allow this to happen to us. But in time, through research in the Bible, talking to those who study theology, reading things others have written and much prayer and contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that many mainstream faiths are really missing the boat when it comes to supporting those coping with the loss of a loved one. 

There are so many things that are said that aren't helpful to those on a loss journey. Like God had a plan for your child or loved one, it was their time, or any other of the countless words that are given about heaven with the intent to comfort. But that's not really what I'm getting at today.

Although those words aren't usually helpful they tend to come from those in our circle of friends and family, within our churches and they are meant to assist us, to give us comfort. The problem is that they are based on an ideology of heaven, of God's plan for his kingdom people and the problem with that ideology is I'm quite sure that it's based on something that wasn't God's plan. 

I'm going to slightly diverge here but it will help you understand where I'm coming from ....

So many people focus on God sending Jesus here for our salvation, to rescue us. But I don't know if that was entirely what God planned. What God wanted for us, his children, was to live in his kingdom. His kingdom was perfect, it had everything we needed, it was pain free and perfect, it was sin free.

We all know that changed with Adam and Eve. Their sin broke the perfectness of God's world. For the rest of time, until end times essentially, God's desire is to get us to bring that perfect Kingdom back to earth. But the problem is our world is so broken, so full of sin, so full of hurt that there are just too many things to stop that from happening. And while God is all powerful, until Jesus returns to earth, the brokenness, the pain, the suffering, the illness, the loss and the sin continue to exist. A line from one of my favourite movies, The Shack, really defines this....

"I can work together incredible good in the tragedies, but I don't orchestrate the tragedies."  (A slight foreshadowing here to the study I'm hoping to write through)  

Often when something tragic happens in our lives we blame God and in our devastation we cry, scream and wonder why it had to happen. I've been there but am realizing that God works amidst the trials we face, but he is not the cause of them. There is an enemy and he is out to destroy our trust, our relationship with Jesus, with trials and loss.

Some people in the loss communities talk about not being able to believe in a god who would take their child from them. Not being able to trust a Creator who took away a creation. Those that accept that it is a plan of sorts of God's, still can't trust him because they don't feel like he is supporting them, holding them up when they need him, helping them out of the darkness. There's a mindset of those who have had their faith tested to the point of them walking away that their faith, God, religion and everything they have ever been taught, failed them when it mattered most.  They feel that if God isn't going to come through when their child's life is on the line or when their heart is in its most deepest, darkest pain, then what do they need him for?

I understand that because I lived in that spot to. I wondered where God was when we entered into our journey. I prayed to him to save both my boys, to heal them both and, as you know, that's not what happened. And while I wasn't furious with God, I wasn't sure I trusted him and I didn't pray anymore. I came around to a better place with my relationship with God but I still couldn't figure out why I was on this journey and why he didn't change things for me. 

And in looking at those last few lines there is an overwhelming realization that I hope you can see. That is the word I/me. It was about me. Or rather it was about all the things God wasn't doing for me. But I couldn't seem to see that I had to do things for God too, I had to give it to God. I had to trust him and I had to lean in to him. I wanted it to happen immediately, I needed immediate relief from the brokenness in my heart and I couldn't understand why he wasn't fixing this broken heart of mine.

But that left it all up to God to do the work. That meant God had to do everything? That I could sit back and do nothing? No, it didn't for me and it doesn't for anyone struggling with loss.  We can't live in that place, that place where someone fixes it for us.   If we aren't willing to do the work, if we aren't willing to work through things, explore our feelings, our faith, the beliefs that don't sit right with us and if we won't seek out places where answers might be better that could well be outside of our comfort zone, outside of the faith that we have grown up with, then we're going to be stuck. And it's a problem, our problem. As my friend Mel says its not an iss-ue {ish-YOU), its an iss-me (ish-me).

Please people; people who are hurting, people who are struggling, people who are wondering and people who aren't sure, PLEASE don't think that God has abandoned you. Because he hasn't. He's there and he's waiting for you. He's waiting for you to walk with him through these hard times, he's waiting for you to take his hand and let him help you through it. There will be times where he carries you but there will be times where you have to walk and you have to trudge and you have to crawl just to get through the worst of it. There will be times that you lay on the ground kicking and screaming and not wanting to go forward because it hurts that much. But never, ever in those times has God abandoned you. He is completely okay with you being angry. He understands because what he wanted for us didn't happen the way he had it planned either. But he didn't give up on us so why do we give up on him?

Proverbs 3:5 ESV

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

God's kingdom here, my purpose in it and a word of purpose from Jesus

I've just returned from an awesome, rejuvenating, spirit filled two weeks at camp. It's a tradition that we've taken on as a family, to attend family camp at a church camp outside Paris, Ontario. It's an awesome way to start my summer as I often come out of the school year feeling tired and sometimes defeated and this start of summer break in a setting like Braeside camp is so inspiring.

We were blessed to hear at least 7 different speakers who shared various messages under the theme of Hope this year. The resounding message I came out with though wasn't one that I feel directly ties to hope, at least not in the sense that many would think of.

I went into my weeks at camp after many months contemplating God's plan, God's desire for us and his wish to have his kingdom, his heavenly Kingdom, dwelling here amongst us. I've come to the realization through teachings in my own church that this is what he sent Jesus here to do. To bring his kingdom here. Now I'm not saying that he didn't send Jesus here to save us, to give us salvation. But while Jesus was here on earth he wasn't just preaching about salvation, he wasn't just teaching people, he wasn't just reaching out to share teachings and scriptures. No Jesus came to live amongst God's people. He came to help, he came to serve. He came to be with those who weren't righteous, with those who didn't know the Lord. He came for the sinners, he came for the lost. He came for the prostitutes, the desolate. He came for the widows, the children, the orphans, the poor. He came to serve first and to give his life second....

Mark 10:45  (NIV)

45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve,and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

And because I have really felt those things on my heart, I have really felt that our churches, many of our church I should say, are not living this out. Many offer wonderful programs, they may preach great messages. But the pastor's are preaching to the people who are sitting there, the people who have heard it before, the people who have a knowledge of the Bible and can apply it. And while that's all great and fine and dandy, those who need to hear it the most are the people outside of the church who aren't accessing the messages, who aren't meeting Jesus.
Okay so I diverged there a little bit there but it gives you an idea of where my heart was at going into this time at camp when I heard so many wonderful messages.
One of the speakers we heard talked about asking God to fill us with Kingdom purpose. He repeated over and over that Jesus came to serve not to be served. He talked about inviting guest pastors to his church who had a list of requirements an arm lengths long and included such silliness as water at a certain temperature and a congregation with a minimum of 500 in attendance. He mentioned how those were the preachers he didn't want in his church because they weren't there to share God's message, they were there to share their message.
He shared his story of being a new graduate with no perspectives for jobs in site, no church asking him to preach to the call. And so he went to a place out of his comfort zone...a children's Bible camp. He went there because he knew that God was calling him to serve, to be in the trenches, hands dirty, sweat on his brow, and offering help and in that offering hope. His first moments of arrival were met with a bucket and a mop and the request to go clean up the bathroom because a child had just thrown up everywhere. This pastor told us he willingly went and did it because that was what needed to be done. That his calling was to serve.

John 13:12-17

12 When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. 13 “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. 14 Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. 15 I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. 16 Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. 17 Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.

And it just resounded with me that we don't do what's needed to be done sometimes. We avoid situations that make us uncomfortable, we avoid stepping out even though we've felt nudged or pushed to do something. We avoid getting dirty, we avoid being with the dirty. That day he asked us to pray to God for him to 'Fill us with Kingdom purpose'. And I've continued to pray that every day since... because I'm not sure what my purpose is, I'm not sure where I'm supposed to get dirty, I'm not sure how uncomfortable I'm supposed to be except I know it's a whole lot more uncomfortable that I am right now. 

I know that I'm not meant to sit in a church pew once a week and listen to someone share their interpretations of the Bible with me. That's already been made clear and a few years ago it resulted in us moving to a setting where we engage continually each Sunday in the messages that are presented. It resulted in us being in a environment where we frequently are called out to serve in various ways.

But I don't think it's enough. I don't think it's all God's called me to do.

Later that same week we heard from the same pastor and another pastor about listening to God's message to you, to asking God for a word. Well I've asked God for words over the years but I don't think I listen very well and I also know that even when I hear them I don't do, I don't follow through. For the last three camps in a row, so the last three summers in a row, I have felt God tell me to write,to share and to speak. The last one is 100% out of my comfort zone but I feel like I can work up to that.

And so I plan to be back writing again. It's been, well, years I guess, since I consistently, month after month, shared the words God puts on my heart in this forum. 

I have a plan, a theme of sorts, that's been put in my mind and in my heart that I plan to follow through with over the next several months. Within the communities of people that I frequently engage with, those whose hearts have been broken by the loss of a baby or a child, I feel like I have words that I could share that might help, that might give hope, that might offer peace. Hopefully I will start that with something that has sat on my plate for almost 2 years now either later today or in the next day or two. After that I have a study of sorts that I want to write about and share and perhaps even lead an online group with. Stay tuned for that. 

Another interesting thing that happened to us while we were at Camp began with a pastor who spoke about remembering the words that you've heard and the Hope they gave you when you find yourself in a situation where you're losing hope. He shared that we can't forget the God is there and that we had hope. Sometimes we get discouraged, tired, depressed, but we can never forget those words we heard from God and they hope that they provide it. This pastor also shared that we need to respond to the nudge from God. That when he's pushing us in a direction, even when it feels uncomfortable, even want it doesn't make sense, even when you can't imagine yourself in that situation, we need to respond. Of course that ties in so well with what I felt was the words I was hearing from God but it also lead to another nudge, or as my husband said, an all out shove! 

The following day, after that message, we went to hear a different speaker who shared his heart about a mission field that he has felt on his heart for 25 years and that has no all come together to make a clear picture for him. 

While I've felt drawn to missions before, I've always felt like they weren't the right fit. My husband has gone on mission trips to build houses before and that's very much not my calling. I've always resisted when he said I should come a long. I've always said that if I was going to go and do anything, I would want it to be something to do with schools and children. 

Well guess what this pastor's mission field is...to build a school in the 4th poorest country in the world, Liberia Africa. Now not only was this a mission field that I felt strongly connected to, but when he shared a little further into his experience in Liberia, I knew that God was shoving not just nudging me. 

You see this pastor met boy in Liberia who cannot attend school, even if a suitable school is built. This boy is deaf and he does not have any means of communication. No one in Liberia teaches sign language, no one in Liberia seems to know any form of sign language. When I heard that, when I saw the face of this beautiful little boy, my heart pounded. 

After the service my husband went to talk to the pastor while I talked to some friends. I walked into the conversation as the pastor excitedly talked to my husband about how he could help in this mission field but then went on to mention they also had a need that he wasn't sure how to fulfill. He said, right as I walked in, 'what I really need is a teacher, someone who could come along and help teach special needs children like this little boy, someone who knows sign language, even just a little bit.'

For those of you who don't know, I work with special needs children for a living. And those that do know that may not know, or remember, but I was hired almost 25 years ago, to work with a student who was hearing impaired and used sign language as a means of communication. That is my background, it is a skill set I have, and I'm pretty sure God wants me to use that skill set too...

So while I don't know what this means right now, I know it means a lot of prayer and probably a lot of work to make something like this happen. And while I work in the background on that project, I hope to work in the mission field that God has called me to right here, or perhaps I should say write here....helping those who are struggling after loss, struggling to find hope and peace with the words God puts on my heart.