Filling the hole with Love

I came across this video from Oprah's interview with parents of Sandy Hook Elementary leading up to the first anniversary.  I can't fathom the loss that those parents feel, can't imagine what it must be like as this first anniversary approaches.  These parents are so inspiring....

The hole in my heart is sacred and it can never ever be filled.  But it can be and it is, covered with love.  It needs to be protected because it is so very sacred and special to us.  Cole is so sacred and special to us.  By covering the hole that losing him has created with love we are protecting his memory and making new memories to share him, share what his life is about, with others. "So you protect it and grow"... oh how true this is.  Growing, changing, becoming more empathetic and compassionate, helping others...all of this is growth that builds love.
These parents are so right... our job as those left behind after a loss is to make our hearts bigger then the loss. You can't live your life in the past or in the tragedy. You can't focus only on what is gone.  You must carry on through love.  There is only one way to do that... you have to make your decisions out of love...to live your life with such love for others...for all others...that nothing can get into that hole that is left behind and dig it deeper and deeper.

Love really is the answer.

Love...no greater thing

One of my favourite scriptures of all times is 1st Corinthians 13

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in partand we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes,what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

In the past I only focused on the common verses  1-7, 13.  Then I learned more and also focused on the first part of this scripture.  Knowing the love of Jesus helps me to understand that without love you are sunk.  You can be the smartest, most prophetic person going but if your prophecy, if your wise words do not come with love, aren't shared because of love then you might as well talk to a wall.  You can be a person of strong faith, profess your dedication to Jesus, do your acts of service and live a life that seems dedicated to the Lord but if you don't truly love everyone in your life then you aren't worth the paper your 'great acts of service' award was printed on.  So many live their lives like this... doing what they think is right and good but still having feelings of unforgiveness in their heart, feelings of anger towards someone, bitterness inside of them etc and because of this they truly do not know Christ.  

You have to let it go, you can't dwell at all on any of that.  You need to forgive and love, love and forgive.  It's just that simple.  

I had never really studied the last part of this passage until recently and I think it speaks so clearly of how important love is, how everlasting love is.  Everything else will fall away. Let's face it, life changes, people change.  I recently had an encounter where I was purposely left out of something.  I was hurt and I posted on facebook about it.  I felt like I was back in public school and was the kid left alone in the playground with no one to play with.  I felt like I was back in highschool where people might talk behind your back, share things about you and stare at you when you walk by but no one shared what was wrong, what started a problem etc.  I also felt the rush of recent memories of things that had happened in my life where I things changed... people stopped calling, stopped inviting us over, stopped dropping in, stopped, stopped stopped... yeah, it sucks.  It took me a lot of time to and analyzing but I would harbour a guess that a lack of empathy, compassion and understanding would be the reason for this.  Some of that is the change in me after I experienced loss but since the 'being left out' had been happening since before that I knew that wasn't it.  It would seem that people want to judge, want to decide how you should live your life and even more so, people find it easier to walk away from what they don't understand, especially when it involves mental health issues then to say 'I have noticed this' or 'I am concerned about this' or 'Is there anything I can do to help, do you want to talk about it'. 
So anyway, after I posted abot it I had two things that came out of that...I learned that I very much not alone in this feeling... the feeling that so many others could relate AND that I should watch what I post as the original person not only saw it but saw fit to send me a short and terse message and then walk out of my life for good (as in blocked me on facebook). 
So how does this all tie into my post on 1st Corinthians 13???  Like I said, Love Remains...everything else falls apart...sometimes literally...or it falls away...but not love. It's always there.  We grow, we change.  We live a life with trials, passion and adventure but when it's all over we aren't left with anything... except love because nothing matters if we don't have love. 
This is the advent week of Love.  I don't have a lot of posts for it...or much time...hello Christmas vacation!!!  But what I know that will be in my heart this week is that there is nothing greater then love, nothing fills us more.
And just cuz I found this to be the sweetest display of what a gift unconditional love is I decided to leave you with this video clip from Charlotte's Web.

Bring back the Joy

In the hours after we learned Cole was gone I wondered if I would ever feel joy again.  My world was dark, the darkest I had ever experienced.  Knowing Cameron was still alive really didn't bring me much comfort.  Gradually that changed so that I could see a glimmer of light, a glimmer of joy creeping into my darkness, into my heart. But those moments were pretty short lived.
My first true moments of joy in that first week came when we learned that Cameron had a wonderful prognosis.  Now I do know now that Dr. Ryan actually gave us the 'best case scenario' only view of what he thought the prognosis was.  He knew that was what we needed to hear, he knew that on that day, a mere 6 days before Christmas (5 years ago yesterday to be exact) that our trip to Toronto in a crazy snow storm needed to be only about finding that joy.  (he has since told us that he never imagined Cameron to be the healthy, energetic, completely uneffected child that he is). 
And that was the start of feeling joy again.
As I said, it was Christmas time and my boys, then 5 and 2 were PUMPED.  They had no idea how broken our world was, no idea the true sadness that mommy felt...though Brycen did say daily 'mommy you no cry today, you no sad today right mom'.  Those words could start or stop tears...all depended on my mood. 
But those two boys with their smiling faces, their laughter, their innocence...that brought me out of my funk and helped me find joy.
I think my kids were likely where most of my joy was found in those first few months.  How can the smiles, laughter and love of children not bring you joy? 
I think I also learned to find joy in the support of others.  The calls, the meals, the visits, the favours, the food (oh did I mention that already), the gifts for all of us but most of all, the listening and the words of support, comfort and love that were shared...those were joy filled moments.
In the healing times that truly took the next two years of my life I also found great joy in helping others.  Sometimes it would be the opposite...I would read stories of TTTS cases so similar to mine and yet with 'perfect' outcomes and I would be angry (admittedly I do very very occaisionally still feel this way) but for the most part I was filled with joy when another family beat this dreaded disease.  I was also filled with joy when I read words of appreciation from others for the sharing of my story, for the hope and support I gave them. It was like Cole's little life had so much more meaning when those moments happened. 
I also found great joy in planning the fundraisers..in knowing I was using this life lesson to better the life of another baby just by bringing funds to Mt. Sinai to help. 
And my greatest source of joy... the lives all of my children but especially of Cameron and Cole.  Knowing that I had created those lives out of love, struggled, experienced trials and grown and grown and grown...changed, blossomed... just knowing that my kids did that for me has and forever will, bring me such joy. 
Where do you find joy?  Think about it, pray about it, ask God to reveal it to you and never, ever, give up searching...there is always something out there that brings more and more joy to someone.

Joy Comes in the Mourning

I was doing some research and came across this ariticle.  You can find it here if you are curious about the source but it is from a website called Hope for the Mourning...what an appropriate title.  I just thought I would share this today (cuz I admit, I am tired, it's been a long week and I don't have the brain power left to come up with much original work LOL) and then wrap up the week of joy tomorrow with some to the things I have done to find my joy again.

Find Joy In God

God wants all of us, even grieving parents, to find joy in God. Jesus himself told His disciples that the reason for his teaching was for our eternal joy. In John 15:11, Jesus told his disciples, “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” Rather than finding joy in circumstances, we ought to find our joy in God.
Following my oldest son’s death, I re-examined every aspect of my life to determine where I find joy and happiness in my life. Is my joy from my job? But what happens when I lose it? Is my joy in my hobbies, my athletic pursuits or my entertainment? What happens when I lose my sight or my ability to run or walk? Is my joy in my spouse and children? What happens when my child or spouse dies? How will I have any ability to carry on in life if all of my joy was centered solely in my child or spouse? To the extent that you use your life circumstances as the sole means for joy in your life, I believe that you are living in a dream world, for sooner or later the façade will come crashing down, and you will have nothing left. What of joy then? Where will your joy come from then?
If we focus on the objective truth of God’s great love for us, demonstrated in Christ, then we can have a joy sufficient to overcome the melancholy that accompanies our mourning. In Colossians, Paul says to the church, “May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” Colossians 1:11-14.
Outside of living in the hope of eternal life through Jesus Christ, the only way to break out of our melancholy would be to try various means to either (i) forget your circumstances as they relate to your deceased child and his or her history or (ii) convince yourself that you never really loved your now-deceased child all that much, or that life is not that big of a deal. But these are short-term “fixes,” of avoiding the grief, and will only work so long as the circumstances are right. These methods of dealing with melancholy are “dark” in the sense that they are not grounded in objective truth. To the extent that these methods work for you it is only because we turn off the lights and, in living in the dark, are able to, for only a short time, avoid the plain objective realities surrounding our child’s death.
In the Bible, we see several men who centered their hopes for joy in God, not their own circumstances. One of these was King David who, as King of Israel, led the Israel through its greatest, most successful years. But rather than focus on his own significant earthly successes as the source of his happiness, David tells us that it was God that ultimately brought him joy. In Psalm 27, David says, “One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.” Psalm 27:4. David said, “I say to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you’…The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.” Psalm 16:2,5.
The Psalmist Asaph understood that, ultimately, only God could give him true, full, everlasting joy. When everything else in life fades away, when everyone else dies, and even when we die, God will still be there for us. In Psalm 73:25, 26, Asaph writes, “Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
The Apostle Paul, before he became a Christian, had reason to take pride in his circumstances. He was a zealous Jew, even persecuting the early church. And yet, following his conversion, he considered all his background“…as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord…I count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.” Philippians 3:8-11.
There is nothing we need more following the death of our child than joy. But in order to have sustained, lasting joy, the object of our joy must be eternal. If the suffering you have experienced has soured the taste of anything that used to give you joy, you ought to examples of Paul, Asaph and David in finding ultimate joy in God. No earthly joy tastes as sweet as a joy centered in God. Psalm 34:8.

Find the joy in your life and let it take you home

I went on a hunt to find a video for this theme of joy connected to loss.  I found this one from The Bucket List and at first I thought it wouldn't work.  But the more I thought about it the more I realized how perfect it is.  We have to find our joy or we will never find home. 


http://movieclips.com/W9tz-the-bucket-list-movie-find-the-joy/


Dear Edward, I've gone back and forth the last few days trying to decide whether or not I should even write this. In the end, I realized I would regret it if I didn't, so here it goes. I know the last time we saw each other, we weren't exactly hitting the sweetest notes-certain wasn't the way I wanted the trip to end. I suppose I'm responsible and for that, I'm sorry. But in all honestly, if I had the chance, I'd do it again. Virginia said I left a stranger and came back a husband; I owe that to you. There's no way I can repay you for all you've done for me, so rather than try, I'm just going to ask you to do something else for me-find the joy in your life. You once said you're not everyone. Well, that's true-you're certainly not everyone, but everyone is everyone. My pastor always says our lives are streams flowing into the same river towards whatever heaven lies in the mist beyond the falls. Find the joy in your life, Edward. My dear friend, close your eyes and let the waters take you home.\


Find the joy...follow that stream and let it take you home. We are all part of the same river and if we allow ourselves to find our joy, find the things that give us joy and bring us to a place of peace and love we will make it home...

Joy and Grief Intertwined as One

I had another post planned today and then a wonderful friend (our prior minister actually who officated both Cole's memorial and Cameron's dedication and baptism) sent me a great article last night that I thought I would share.  I am going to simply cut and paste but if you'd like to see the original source you can find it here. 

The God of Joy and Grief

by Settle Monroe on December 16, 2013

It has been almost ten years since we stood at the altar of an old Baptist church, June sun shooting through the glass stained blue and green, downtown traffic buzzing outside of the thick, wooden doors. We lifted our voices while we squeezed our hands and felt the words to How Great Thou Art sink into the choir of hundreds of friends and family.
They were all present in their finest clothes to witness the joining of our lives. I remember how easily the lyrics left my lips, how they nearly floated out of my nervous smile. They rang loud and true while the ancient organ hummed low beneath all that joy rising in song.
Just a couple of weeks ago, sparks from the fire popped into the black sky over our backyard. Bare hands, shaking from the fall crisp held plastic cups of red wine and glass bottles of amber beer. In camping seats and wooden lawn chairs, on top of coolers and criss-crossed on the brick patio, friends gathered around the hot blazes as my husband poked a stick to stir the flames.
They came to remember. They came to support. They came to pour their tears into our cupped hands, the perfect and only offering.
It was a night to feel the grief of losing our little boy two years ago. And our voices cracked with deep sadness as we whispered the words of that same hymn, How Great Thou Art. The strumming of the guitar could just barely hold up our fragile song.
I felt it on the altar that afternoon in June so many years ago. I felt it in our backyard that night in October.
The deepest places are an invitation to touch the holy.
And I wonder sometimes why it is that those moments of grief, of despair, feel like they are scraping right up against a mystery hinting of joy and peace. How can it be that the same song, the same old, ancient hymn could cause a heart to bleed the same hot tears on the altar of marriage and at the service of remembrance? I don’t know for sure why the wall between joy and grief feels at times more fragile than lace, with holes to peer through and catch a peak of the other side.
But I wonder if that razor’s edge between grief and joy is the holy ground where we most smell the new milk on the Infant’s lips while touching the bright red spilling out from the side of the Christ.
I wonder if these deep places, these hallowed out spaces, are where we bow down next to the manger and catch a glimpse and get a touch of God among us.
I wonder if the reason that we ache with joy the way that we ache with grief is simply because they are two sides of the same coin. Right in that thin space between them is where we find ourselves fully in the presence of Love Come Down. It is where we worship like the first time, as they did that night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago.
So as we crawl to the manger this Advent season, let us remember the moments when we most knew that we were in His presence.
Let us remember the times when our bellies hurt with pure laughter, and the times when our throats closed up with true sadness. Let us remember when we felt our hearts falling apart, and when we felt them brimming over.
For those are the times that we have kneeled low and touched the skin of the God who knew joy and grief.
And it was all worship.
May we never leave those manger moments without the words, How Great Thou Art, spilling out of our broken and redeemed hearts.



 This article was just so powerful to me and so true...especially joy and grief being two sides of the same coin...almost like you can't have one without the other. For me it's like the joy and the grief are one of those money trees where the trunk is all twisted up and intertwined and is actually two trees that became one.

 I can't help but be sad and wish things were different and yet I can't stop myself from being so very at peace and joyfully amazed at all that has happened because we lost him. I can't help but miss him and ache for him to be here and yet feel such joy at the thoughts of him with our Lord...and the knowledge that we will meet again and gather together, my son and I, in His presence.
How Great Thou Art and I have a love hate relationship too! I used to love singing it, even when I didn't comprehend how great God is and then I began to associate it with Cole's memorial service and I would fall apart hearing it. Now I listen deeply to the words and cherish them.
My soul does sing, I am in awesome wonder... God is so great!

The Season of Joy????

For most people who have experienced loss, the first few Christmas's after their loss are hard.  Even if the loss isn't of the human kind...maybe it's divorce, maybe it's a change in homes, in jobs, in relationships. Celebrating Christmas with that change hanging over your heart is hard. When there is a loss or change in our lives our traditions change and that change is so hard. 
But when your loss is actually at Christmas time the struggles seem even more great and it seems to take an even longer time to move past the triggers...they are EVERYWHERE!!!
Our loss was 12 days before Christmas and to be honest, that Christmas is a complete blur.  I have no idea what I gave anyone for gifts.  No idea what I got for gifts.  I do remember where we celebrated because I can remember sitting quietly in each of those houses, in a corner, hoping that my lack of joy wasn't pulling anyone down. 
The next year went better but it still was so damned hard to feel joy when all I could think was I should be buying two of this, I should be pulling two sets of Santa jammies out, I should, I should, I should... everything was a reminder. 
It has gotten better for a few reasons I think and today I thought I'd share some thoughts on how to bring the joy back to this season.
Open up your heart and your eyes too.  There is so much that you miss when you close down due to loss.  Smiling at even the smallest of things, opening your heart the tiniest connection you make with someone and not letting yourself feel guilty for it...that will bring you forward baby steps at a time.
Allow yourself to feel all the emotions...the joyful happy ones but the sad and painful ones too. So often we push those feelings that are 'negative' in nature down so we don't upset others, bring everyone down.  The thing is that all of those emotions are normal and expected.  Those who don't appreciate that are not worth worrying about and those that do will surround you with love and support and help you through this.  No one can be happy all the time, no one can feel joy all the time...so why should you have to.
Make New Traditions - or in my case, let go of the idea of the tradition you had planned to have (the two boys in matching pj's, two boys in matching Christmas outfits, one on each of Santa's knees, unwrapping matching toys etc) and start a new one.  No one said you have to continue to go to church on Christmas Eve.  No where does it say you have to hang stockings on the fireplace.  Find something new to do and maybe make it something that you can honour your loved one with.  Buy the gift or gifts you had planned to buy and donate them in their memory.  Go for a walk or drive to enjoy Christmas lights instead going to church where the atmosphere, songs, memories etc might just be too overwhelming. 
Say No or Take a Timeout

Creating new traditions is part of healing.  When you lose someone you love your heart's not in it. You don't feel like doing it. And it can be anything from family gatherings, to shopping, to putting up a tree or to even celebrating all together.

Do what feels right to you and if saying 'No, I'm not coming' or 'No I'm not doing that this year' feels right then don't beat yourself up over it.  Maybe you just need a break from it all and maybe that break is vacation somewhere warm.  Do what you can but if you can't...then don't.  Instead find joy in doing smaller things that don't involve so many feelings and memories. 
Honour your Loved One - There are so many ways you can honour your loved one and make them a part of the season they are missing.  Light a candle, put ornaments on the tree, make a donation in their name, make their favourite foods or if it was a child you lost early in their life (before they developed likes or even began to eat) make the foods you craved from the time when you were expecting them.
Go to the cemetary or a place that is symbolic for you...for us it's Cole's garden... and have a heart to heart with them.  Share what is going on in your life, connect with them on a spiritual level. 
Share memories, talk about your loved one.  Since they can't be with you fill your life and others with stories of them...even for those who died before they were born.  Share the stories of when you found out about their existence, share the kicks you felt. 
Maybe there is a way you can be invovled in something that is honouring to them.  Perhaps there is a charitable event that connects you to them somehow...do something to get involved with that event or organization.  Doing what we do for Mt. Sinai has been so empowering and so joy filled for us.
Discover Small Joys - Sometimes it's the little things that can turn a day around...  I found this online and thought it was good advice.. "As the holidays unfold, tune into small joyful moments. When you hear the laughter of children, focus on how good that feels. When you eat a piece of pie, really taste it. In the moment, it tastes so good -- and in that moment, you're outside your grief. Also, look for opportunities to laugh. When you're laughing, your brain produces endorphins to boost the immune system. Give yourself permission to find things that make you laugh".

It takes time and set backs happen all the time.  Forgive yourself when they do and don't feel guilty when you find yourself feeling joy.  Our loved ones would never have wanted us to not enjoy the times without them.  Most of all, be gentle on yourself and remember you only human...a grieving human.