Sitting in the Dark

 So yesterday I reflected briefly about wondering why God has placed it on my heart to be involved in twin groups online, in supporting others as they walk through the stressful times that come with being pregnant with mono di twins and, even more so, walk with them through possible diagnosis, surgeries, premature deliveries etc.  I know the answers to some of that and experience moments often where I know I was where I needed to be to help someone in need because God wanted me to be there.  I know that God gave me the gift of empathy for this mission.  But I do still find myself asking if Cole really had to leave in order for me to become the empath I've become?  Could it have happened any other way?  

And yes I do know the answer is no....but that doesn't mean it's not a place I sit in the dark and take it up to God with..  Thankfully he doesn't leave me sitting alone.  

I know that I am that someone sitting with others in the dark and I also know that God sits with me in my darkness.  He's there and he's listening to me as I work through the things that sit heavy in my heart.  

Another of those things is another why I guess.  It was actually something I had already written down in my journaling but a friend, my very first TTTS momma of one here and one in heaven friend actually, commented about yesterday when I shared my blog.  This why is something that relates to the why's of being a twin mom who can't imagine herself as one.  Why is it that I can't really imagine my life if Cole was here? Why don't I have visions of Cam and Cole doing things together, of our lives as parents to twins?  Goodness knows I spend enough time in these groups where people share photos and stories of their life with two that I should be able to imagine.  And yet I can't. I don't see what we missed out on...I can imagine other peoples twins in the scenarios I think about for us but the images I see are never of my boys together.  

So many loss moms that I've gotten to know over the years talk about having these images that flood the brains and hearts but they just aren't there for me and never really have been,  I know that I've faked it through the years and said I missed those moments.  I know I cried at times for milestones that didn't get to be met.  I know I talked about imagining what Cole would be doing today.  But in full transparency that wasn't always and accurate view of what I was feeling or imagining but more what I wished I could when it came to the things they would be doing together and it was just images of Cam hitting those milestones and wondering what it would be like to see Cole do the same....not an image of it happening if that makes sense.  

And I just wonder why God has never given me a vision of Cole,  And I guess why I have a gap in this area where other loss moms don't?  I actually think it's likely another gift God has given me, a place he's put me in so that I don't sit in the what ifs?

Definitely something to ponder.  

And now definitely time for me to go and pray and prepare for my day.