This morning as I sit and write my annual post I am filled with so many memories, some tears, a ton of emotions and a realization of just how far I've come. This is the first year in the 13 years since Cole left us that I haven't been filled with tearful moments in the days leading up to today. I've had a few and many of them are tied to missing my Grandma this first Christmas without her and imagining her feeding Cole her delicious shortbread and Christmas cake in heaven. I can't say I'm not sad and I can't say there aren't tears being shed as I type but I can say that there is a peace that I didn't know I could have with this time of year. Where there was once darkness there is light and hope. Where there was once only sadness there is tear filled joyful moments. Where there was once unrest, anxiety and gut wrenching sobs brought on by an onslaught of memories there is a peace that comes knowing that my son has inspired me to do so many things.
Today sweet Cole you are a teenager in heaven though your birthday here on earth isn't for another 10.5 weeks. A teenager, 13 years of heavenly existence. Just yesterday one of my fellow TTTS mommies celebrated her daughter's heavenly birthday and the words she wrote about that day hit home. Thirteen years ago you left us and thirteen years ago I died too. A new Jodie took my place. The me who I've become is a me completely inspired by you, by our journey through the diagnosis of TTTS, the surgery, the loss, the aftermath and then the healing. And oh my sweet son the healing has come so far and my heart feels such a sense of peace in the fact that you are in heaven.
I will always wonder what life would be like with you here. This morning I had a vision of you... a slightly shorter, slightly slimmer and slightly calmer version of Cameron, Many who know your twin well will laugh at the slightly calmer part because Cam is anything but calm but I do believe you would be the twin who sat back and watched more, who lived and loved with more reservation. Why do I think that? Because that's how I feel you now. You are this calming peace in my life. You are my inspiration to do better, to be better.
Without losing you I would not have done so many things. There would be at least 2 less support groups on facebook, there would be hundreds less people I had met online and a few dozen less friends that I would have. Without you leaving my faith would like different and I would have a completely different set of friends here in my day to day life than I do. Without you leaving there would certainly be over $50 000 less dollars donated to Mt. Sinai because you are my inspiration to continue with our fundraiser and your twin is the reason for the gratitude I'll always feel for all that Dr, Ryan did for us. Together that inspiration and gratitude has a created a legacy, your legacy.
I will always wonder what life with you here would look like but I know that life without you has made me who I am today it looks the way it should I suppose. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. That doesn't mean it's without tears. And it certainly doesn't mean I can ever forget the heartache of losing you but it does mean that I can move forward in peace, with joy in my heart and hope in all that I do,
I love you Cole, today, tomorrow and forever.
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