I Am Who I Am

I am who I am because I've been where I've been. 

Jodie Tummers 2019

Think about that for a few minutes. Just ponder it. It's very true for all of our lives, but I think it's especially true for those that have been through a crisis and taken what they've learned from that and used it for growth, for the betterment of those who take a similar walk, to create a legacy or tribute to the situation or person that was most closely involved in the crisis that you had.

A backstory on this quote of mine. Earlier this week I approached my supervisor to let her know that I will not be at work next Friday. For those who haven't looked at the calendar or don't know me very well, next Friday marks, as I told my supervisor, the 11th anniversary of what I call ‘the worst day of my life’. It's not a day that I can be at work. Especially not in the location where I work, where there are many, many sets of twins.

In my discussion with her, we talked about where I reside in my journey, how hard this day still is. While the conversation could have been taken two different ways, I've chosen to take it as a curiosity rather than a judgement on how you cope in the years that follow the anniversary of a very traumatic day.

I told her that I really felt that most of the 364 other days of the year I do really well with my grief, with my emotions about this event, this tragic loss. But this one day, this particular day, it's never, ever going to be okay. It's a lot better than it used to be, it's a day I've turned into something honouring,  sort of a celebration, a day to honour Cole. But it's still a difficult day and it's a day I need to be surrounded by my family. It's a day the tears come easily, it's a day of memories and, still, a day of heartache. 

But the rest of 364 days.... They're pretty amazing to be honest. And I feel really good about what I've done to honour Cole’s precious little life. I've taken the sourest of lemons and turned them into the sweetest of lemonade as per a quote from This is Us.

So as I said to her, I am who I am because I've been where I've been. And that is true.

If I had not taken this journey, if I had never gotten pregnant with mono di twins, I wouldn't be who I am today.

If I had never had TTTS, I wouldn't be who I am today.

If I had not suffered such a devastating loss of my dear sweet Cole, I would not be who I am today.

If I had not experienced many, many weeks away from the rest of my family, I would not be who I am today.

If I had not met hundreds of other parents walking path, I would not be who I am today.

If I had not learned what I could about this disorder, I would not be who I am today.

If I had not taken what I learned and used it to help other people, I would not be who I am today.




I am who I am because I've been where I've been.