Holiday Grief Photo Challenge 3

I Wish

This isn't Cole. This sweet moment was never captured with him. There are no endearing photos of me holding him and I will forever wish I could have had those moments with him when he was born.

#iwishicouldhavemethimalive
#stillbirth #tttsloss
#whatsyourgrief

Memory

Today marks the 10th anniversary of the last day I ever saw my son alive. Today my memory is full of these twin moments, these memories of the two perfectly formed and identical miracles that God formed and placed in my womb.
Today I remember how awesome it is that this happened to me, to us, to them. Today I remember how blessed I am to be the mom of twins.

Legacy

Today, on our son's 10th heavenly birthday, we traveled to where this journey began and presented the doctor who did all he could to save both our twins with over $4200 bringing our total fundraising efforts over the years to over $37 000. 

This is Cole's legacy... helping other families on their journey with TTTS and other fetal distress disorders.

#whatsyourgrief #tttsangel #ttts #legacy #sinaihealth #sinaihealthfoundation
#tummerstwins

Nightime

In the days, weeks and even months after we lost Cole I would 'crave' bedtime. I needed a safe place just to 'be'... To cry, to sob, to scream into my pillow and to ask why, why, why!

In time I came to realize that the second poem speaking to my heart, that my son was that piece and he wanted me to be too. That my son knew how much I loved him, but there were no words I needed to say to him that he didn't already know.

Empty

Though technically my arms weren't empty in this photo, they definitely felt it. This is the only I have of me holding Cole and it was one of the hardest moments of this journey. I was devastated to see the damage time had done to his little body and I was empty of any positive emotions of finally meeting him. My arms truly felt empty because my heart was full of sadness that I didn't get to meet him looking like the innocent and beautiful baby he was when he left us.

#stillbirth #tttsloss #tttsangel