Advent Challenge 2017 Day 8 - Light

Write about what Light symbolizes to you

Light, for me, has always symbolized hope. Essentially life is never without light. Even in the darkest places there always seems to be some glimmer of light that draws us in, brings us towards it.
In the darkest hours of my grief, in the time when life just seemed shattered, I would often awaken very early, before the sun and lie in my bed. In those early hours of the snowy December mornings I would snuggle under the covers and forget what was my reality. Inevitably I would remember and I would sob. It was a safe place and time for me to do this. The boys were in their own rooms and Geoff was still sleeping. No one needed to see my tears or the anguish on my face.
But as the night turned to day and dark turned slowly to light I would feel Cameron kick and I couldn’t help but to feel such hope. He was and is my hope, my light.
I know that it didn’t always work, that Cameron’s life didn’t always draw me out of the pit of darkness. It was so bittersweet to be carrying a living baby and one whose heart had stopped. It actually felt even harder once Cameron was born because I then I could clearly see all that I was missing. The darkness I felt was overwhelming at times and it consumed me, made me focus on negatives, what ifs and regrets.
But even in those dark times I could always ‘see’ light. It might have been the tiniest glimmer but it was light, it was hope. Sometimes it was hard to make myself look for that tiny light but I knew I had to, I knew I had people counting on me, I had life to care for, lives that needed me. And so I would search for the light. I would look into that darkness and I would find something to focus on that wasn’t the darkness and I would walk, slowly and carefully, towards it. With each step closer, the light would get brighter and brighter until it filled my heart with joy, with hope and with love. It took a very long time before it filled it with peace and admittedly, the closer I get to the anniversary time, the more I remember, the more I write about how I feel and what I remember, the harder it is to find that light of peace in the darkness.





But don’t worry…. The light of hope that comes with knowing my son is in heaven and I will see him again shines brighter than the darkness of the memories that surround me, of the sadness my heart feels.

I have always found myself drawn to flickering candle light, especially white candles and it makes me feel closer to Cole somehow. The photo below is especially powerful in this connection to all my children on the special day my celebrate his life.