Fearfully and wonderfully made

Psalm 139:13–14
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Today marks the seventh anniversary of the day my life changed forever. But today I don't want to remember what happened in the afternoon of December 11th 2008. Today I want to remember what happened from September 20th 2008 to December 11th 2008. I want to dwell on the memories of being told I was expecting identical twins. I want to focus on the joy that it was to know that God had given me these two identical little beings to grow in my womb. I mean think about it. What an astronomical, amazing miracle it is that one egg can split into two perfect little beings.  And God chose me to have that happen. He chose my body for Cameron and Cole to grow inside of. Pretty amazing.

I remember the day I learned that I was carrying twins. I wasn't exactly happy and although I was worried and scared and freaking out, I was also filled with joy and excitement. I told everyone I saw, showed my ultrasound to all I met and basked in their excitement for us.

I'm not sure exactly when I felt the boys move for the first time but I think it was around 16 to 17 weeks. It wasn't intense movements but it was more than I'd ever felt this early in a pregnancy.  It was like constant butterflies, tiny flutterings that reminded me of the miracles inside of me interacting with each other. It was coolest feeling ever.

I think some of the greatest memories I have were the ultrasounds I had... watching my two babies interact with each other inside of me. Cole was my mover and shaker. He would kick and wiggle and just be crazy inside and Cam, surprisingly enough,  was always pretty subdued and laid back. He took the kicks from his brother and he just lay there and moved around.   It's kind of interesting to me given how crazy busy Cameron is now. Makes me think that Cole's energy and spirit really does live inside of his twin's body.

Initially in my twin pregnancy I actually wasn't gaining weight or getting any bigger.  Before I knew I was carrying twins I thought something was wrong.  That's why I think the news was the biggest shock of my life. I went into the ultrasound almost expecting they were going to tell me something was wrong with the baby because I felt so different than in previous pregnancies. Turns out I should feel pretty different because there was two babies.

Anyway, I probably didn't change the shape or size until about 15-16 weeks and then all of a sudden it was almost like an explosion. My brother Josh was getting married around that time and I had gotten a dress altered to be made smaller for me because I had lost some weight. The alterations had been done after I found out I was pregnant but before I knew I was carrying twins...so the seamstress had allowed some room for growth.  When I back for my final fitting two weeks before the wedding at the dress actually needed to be let out. Along came the day of the wedding and low and behold the dress was uncomfortable because in 2 weeks I had grown again and now it was too small again!!!

That year was one of those years where Thanksgiving was really really warm and I struggled to find maternity clothes at only 16 weeks pregnant that would fit over my growing belly for the family gathering we had.  I still look back at that and think wow at 16 weeks I already needed to have maternity pants and shirts on. Crazy.

I was a of an obsessive planner when I was pregnant with the boys. I needed to figure out all the details. Could I work fill time or would childcare be nuts...that was my first focus. That was the very day I found out and before I made it to Teeswater 2 hours after finding out I had already calculated 4 different scenarios!
Next came the stroller dilemma. I spent HOURS online looking at different ones and trying to find used ones.  We even took our then 5 and 2 year olds to babies are us to put them in double strollers to find the best one. It was actually my first (and in the end, only) twin product purchase.
My next obsession became bedrooms. Funding a second crib was pretty easy but trying to figure out how to put the older boys together in the smaller of the two bedrooms was a challenge. I actually designed bunk beds with storage in them and began trying to convince Geoff and his dad to make them!

And speaking of obsessions...breastfeeding....that was my greatest fear. I never worried about the health of my babies. Never feared preterm labour. Nope. ...my greatest worry was how on earth do you nurse two babies at the same time.

As time went on and my babies got bigger I began to feel more and more movements...usually from baby a's side...Cole's side. Like I said, Cam was very laid back inutero. I loved feeling them move and could hardly wait for the movements to be strong enough for Geoff to feel.

I remember telling people I was having twins and being beyond excited. It was just so amazing to be carrying two babies. I got uncomfortable but it felt so worth it.

Our greatest focus seemed to be on gender. I have read through so many of my 'memories' posts on facebook over the last month or two and atleast once a week there was a post on gender. We pictured matching clothes, matching Halloween costumes, toys in pairs and all kinds of things like that.  Excitement grew and grew as did my belly.

Today I just feel so blessed that I took this journey. I won't lie and say my emotions aren't still up and down but I am trying to focus on the time before those fated 4 letters/words came into my life.

The irony that this scripture crossed my path this morning is not lost on me. Seven years ago this morning was the very last time I was living in blissful twin pregnancy naivety. That afternoon I learned my babies were sick and our journey in the world of TTTS began. Today I remember that God knit my boys in my womb and they were, and are, wonderfully made. I want to remember the wonderful works they are and forget, for today, the pain that exists after that diagnosis.

Psalm 139:13–14
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.