As this day of joy and hope wraps up I am feeling reflective. I went into last night feeling very emotional. It had been a rough few days as a mom and capped off with a very bad afternoon of trying to get ready for today with my whole family lazing around.
I felt unworthy of anyone's love and sure didn't feel like reading out the poems I adapted (see below) as the memorial candle was light. But God gave me the strength to get through it with ease just as He gave me a clear message from Cole. During the candle ceremony we sang Silent Night and during the first verse only I bawled like a baby. I had such a clear image of Cole in a calm and peaceful night scene snuggled up and 'sleeping in heavenly peace'.
Initially I felt tremendous sadness but suddenly my candle seemed to glow brighter and my heart felt lighter and I knew Cole was telling me he was missing me too but that he was at peace and I needed to be too.
And for the rest of the service, though tears came again a few times, I began to feel such peace come into my heart. Pastor Jeff spoke about those of us who don't feel worthy of God's love needing to see that Jesus accepts us for who we are and forgives us for all we think we do to make us unworthy. I knew then that God knew my heart was burdened and he humbled me to admit my fears, worries, mistakes and sins.
I felt such tearful joy by the end of the service. I still felt like part of my family was missing (though I'll share that I have a wonderful gift that I was given yesterday to share that helps to fill this particular void...and I will post that in the next few days) but I felt a clarity about this. I knew that God was telling me it was ok to miss Cole and that Cole misses me too. He is in a place of heavenly peace and I can have my own earthly version of this heavenly peace by just opening my heart to Jesus.
And the rest of the night went off without tears (or any other negative emotions or visits from nasty mommy LOL). And today was a day without any deep sadness at all. I am so very blessed. I have the love and support of a man who has walked through all of this with me and who has stood beside me, and I beside him, through some very difficult personal moments. I am blessed with the love and adoration of 4 beautiful sons. And most of all, I am loved by a forgiving and humble God.
Merry Christmas to all on earth and in heaven. May the peace of heaven surround you all whole you sleep.
Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees,
Around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars,
Reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I'm spending Christmas,
With Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs,
That people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare,
With the Christmas choir up here.
I can't tell you of the splendor,
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me dear ones
You know I hold you dear
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift
From my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory
Of my undying love.
After all love is a gift
More precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other
As my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing of love
He has for each of you.
So have a merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I'll ask Him to light your spirit,
As I tell Him of your love.
So then pray one for another,
As I lift you eyes above.
Please let your hearts be joyful,
And let your spirit sing.
For I'm Spending Christmas in Heaven,
And I'm walking with the King.
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