Another year, another season

It's been so long since I wrote anything here and I really don't know why. Many times I've thought of a post I should write, many times I've come across a great inspiration...only to get put off by some distraction or another.
And now another holiday season is upon us and that means another season for my heart, another time of remembrance.
In one week I will be reliving the very last hours of my son's life and this year I thought I could get through it without my usual blogging project...without forcing myself to find blessings and gifts in my life after, and because, I lost my son.
And tonight I realized I can't do this. I can't go on pretending I am ok because I am not. I miss my son, I've missed him since the day he left us nearly 7 years ago and I truly love and hate this time of year.  It is so damned bittersweet to know that your life is inexplicably better because you know the devastating loss of saying goodbye to your child. I often tell people how much my life changed for the better after I experienced losing Cole but tonight that just feels like a complete line of BS that I feed people so they don't feel sorry for me. Tonight I feel sorry for me. Tonight I feel sorry for my whole family.  Tonight I feel sorry most of all for Cameron.
He feel asleep in my arms tonight in a pose pretty similar to the one below. At almost 7 that rarely happens.  He feel asleep with his head on my right arm and side of my chest with his hand on my heart. The irony wasn't lost on me. That is where his twin should be and where his twin will live forever.
Tonight I cried, sobbed, for the first time in a very long time. Tonight I pulled out my surgery reports and my presurgical ultrasound reports and I reread the clinical final moments of Cole’s life. I remembered and I relived it all.
Tonight I am thinking of this season I am in and I am praying for comfort in the days ahead. I am praying for signs that my son knows how missed he is. I am praying for signs of the connection he has with us. I am praying that no one will forget him this year. And selfishly I am praying that no one will forget me this year.