I did a piece on my faith a few days ago and by far it is
the best gift that grief has given me.
Today I want to touch on another component of faith, of something I
believe in, in an assurance I have.
I struggled so much after we lost Cole. The whole first year was one bipolar moment
after another. How could I be so sad
when I was so happy? How could I be so
happy when I was so sad? After I read
Jenny’s book and ask Jesus into my heart a seed was born. It was a seed of assurance that I would one
day see my son again. I didn’t
understand what it took to get there, to get to heaven but it was about all I
had that kept me going many days. I had
to believe that God had a plan for both me and Cole and that one day it would
all come together and we would be together again. But I struggled, and I still do at times, to
feel a connection to him. It’s so hard
to feel like someone’s mom when you didn’t get the chance to be there mom in a
place where visual memories are born.
I wanted a sign that he was with me, wanted a sign that he
was watching over me. I begged God to
let him visit me, to give me a sign that Cole was ok. I searched everywhere for those signs too.
About 18 months after the boys were born I had this encounter and I felt like this was a sign from Cole. It brought me comfort but it wasn’t til I
came across this post as I searched for another one I’d written before that I
realized my new faith beliefs don’t’ line up exactly with what I wrote here and
yet I now can see Cole’s hand in my life in so many other ways.
Before I write any further I want to share the basis for the
post I found and then I’ll comment on where I am now, what I believe….
I Believe - Diamond Rio
Every now and then
Soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you, come back again
And it's like, you haven't been
Gone a moment from my side
Like the tears were never cried
Like the hands of time
Were pulling you, and me
And with all my heart, I'm sure
We're closer than we ever were
I don't have to hear or see
I've got all the proof I need
There are more than angels watching
Over me.. I believe.. ohh, I believe.
Now when you die, your life goes on
It doesn't end here, when you're gone
Every soul is filled with light
It never ends, if I'm right
Our love can even reach, across-
Eternity.. I believe.. ohh, I believe.
Forever, you're a part of me
Forever, in the heart of me
I will hold you even longer
If I can..
Oh, the people who don't see the most
See that I, believe in ghosts
If that makes me crazy, then I am
Cuz I believe.. ohh, I believe..
There are more than angels watching
Over me.. I believe.. ohh, I believe.
Every now and then
Soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you, come back again..
And I believe..
I don’t need
signs from Cole to know he is around me.
He lives on in his brother… that much I am very certain of. And anyone who’s met Cameron will likely
agree that there is something just wonderfully magnetic about him. His teachers tell us that, his friend’s
parents tell us that, people from church tell us that. He draws people to him and I truly believe it
is very much because of Cole. But I also
don’t need signs from Cole to know that he is here with me because he is
forever a part of me. He’ll never leave
my heart and it’s his gentle nudges that bring me to reach out, to step outside
my comfort zone. It’s my experience
being his mom that pushes me to seek out other TTTS loss families and offer
words of comfort and of hope. I do feel his soft touches on my skin at
times…the feel of tears on my cheeks as I wish he was here so badly at
times…that’s him, he just wants me to know he misses me too. The butterflies, gold finches and falling
leaves directly on the path of my walks or runs when I am thinking of him, of
Jesus, of my faith the most… that is his breath upon my skin. I believe…oh I believe.
But most of all
I believe that God had a plan for each of us, a reason why we took this journey
of life, of loss, of life after loss.
For Cole it was to go to Heaven before he ever experienced pain,
suffering, rejection, teasing, bullying, failure, jealousy or hurt. For Cole it was to be a positive influence to
my life and to others, a motivator of sorts.
For me, it was to search myself for the things I wasn’t doing right…the
gifts the Lord gave me that I wasn’t using.
For me it was to use my experiences to help others. For me it was to
bring me back to the Lord, to learn that I can’t do it alone, I am His child
and I need Him.
Those things
assure me that Cole and I aren’t really apart.
Our bodies have been separated but our souls and our hearts are forever
connected.
Forever, you're a part of me
Forever, in the heart of me
I will hold you even longer
If I can..
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