An old song makes a new 'memory'

 A few weeks ago I was at family camp at the Pentecostal church camp, Braeside and heard the song ' Agnus Dei ' which I always thought was called Worthy is the Lamb. Anyway, back in 1990 I bought the album with this song on it because I had been to church camp and learned this song/.  I just loved it and HAD to have the album...and since hearing that Agnus Dei again it's been stuck in my head.  So I decided to look up the words and, well you guys know me, it spoke to me as so many songs do....

                                                                 "Emily"

Caught
In an endless time
Waiting for a sign
To show you where to go
Lost
In a silent stare
Looking Anywhere
For answers you don't know

On the wire
Balancing your dreams
Hoping ends will meet their means
But you feel alone
Uninspired
Well does it help you to
Know that I believe in you
You're an angel waiting for wings
Emily

You
Going through this stage
It's a restless age
Young and insecure
Still
There are doubts to fade
Moments to be made
And one of them is yours

On the wire
Balancing your dreams
Hoping ends will meet their means
But you feel alone
Uninspired
Well does it help you to
Know that I believe in you
You're an angel waiting for wings
Emily

 I am 100% certain that the camp staff played it for us as we were just that... angels waiting for wings, caught in a time of our lives where we didn't know where to go, what to do, unsure, unfocused...and scared.
And when I was listening to this song I thought of how much parts of it relate so completely to how it feels to be a young (and maybe not so young at times too) grieving parent....
Caught 
In an endless time 
Waiting for a sign 
To show you where to go 
Lost 
In a silent stare 
Looking Anywhere 
For answers you don't know 

I remember feeling caught in time, not wanting to go forwards, knowing you can't go back and so unsure of yourself.  I remember watching for signs...signs of why this happened, signs of what could possibly be the purpose of this, signs that my son was with me, that his spirit was with me and signs of where I was to go now, how I was to move on, go forth, keep living.  And lost...oh was I lost.  And that line 'in a silent stare, looking anywhere for answers you don't'.  I think I spent more moments staring off into space, staring out the window, looking off into the great nowhere... searching for the answers that I know now, and I think I knew then, I will never find. 
Grieving parents most definitely do sit on the wire balancing their dreams.  There were so many for that child that they've had to say goodbye to.  Dreams of first smiles and snuggles, dreams of play dates, first days of school, first dates, graduations... so many dreams. And for those of us who've been given the dream of twins it's a two fold dream, a double dream, a mirror image dream....that was shattered before our eyes into a thousand tiny pieces.  I think many grieving parents sit on a wire balancing between sanity and losing their minds too.  Sometimes I felt like the grief would consume me, other times it felt like it was someone else's life or maybe even something I wished I could hysterically laugh at for hours on end and then maybe someone would come, put me in a straight jacket and take me away from this nightmare.  
Feeling alone and uninspired is pretty easy when you are trying to figure out what the heck happened and while you try to pick up the shattered pieces of your life.  I am not sure how we find our way back out of that dark and lonely place.  Everyone has their way, I guess, but I think if you looked, the one commonality you would find would be love.  Knowing that someone believed in me, believed I would make it through this...well that made all the difference some days.  I wish I could say it was a magic turn about, magic cure to the depression that losing my son caused but the fact is it didn't stop the sadness, the negativity, the confusion.  But it did make it easier to tackle.  
And when I realized that I had someone who ALWAYS believed in me and KNEW I was, indeed, an angel waiting for wings...well that made it astronomically easier to endure.  And that really is the key here... we all are angels waiting for wings.  God knows that each of us has a place in heaven with the loved ones who went there before us...we just need to accept that his son came to take away all of our sins, to die for us so that we could die to our sins and those wings become something we can almost touch.  
It sure does help to know that He believes in me and that he has my angel wings just waiting for me.... and my own little angel waiting to fly with me back home.