Tis the Season...

Tis the season…. And for so many, unfortunately, it is a season filled with mixed emotions, sadness and depression. Holidays always seem to bring about so many emotions when someone you love is in heaven. We join together with family and friends and celebrate the birthday of Jesus, the blessings we have been given and show our love through gift giving, festive meals and gatherings and music and activities. And for those missing someone it becomes just one more reminder of the things that person is missing out on. I know this year will be hard for me. Cameron is now at an age where unwrapping presents is exciting, where lights and decorations produce a look of awe in his sweet face and where new words about the holidays emerge on a daily basis. How sweet it would be to be doing that with two little boys, how cute it would be to dress them the same and put them on Santa’s knee or place them under the tree like the amazing gifts they are. Remembering that he is in a place with the birthday boy, celebrating Jesus’ 2010 birthday, rejoicing at the gifts God has given us and living where there is no pain, suffering, sadness or war is…well it’s hard to keep in mind somedays.
Today I heard this song on my way to work and it brought tears to my eyes at first because the start of it is how I feel at times…and how I know many of my friends feel too….

"Where Are You Christmas"

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

The pain and sadness really does get in the way at times and makes it so hard to find Christmas and it often does feel like it has gone away for all of us. Those who are missing someone special struggle even more to find their way at Christmas, to hear the music, the joy, the laughter and to see the happiness.

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

The world changes for all of us and the hustle and bustle of getting ready for Christmas seems to get in the way of the holiday itself. December and Christmas have been changed for me in my life a few times…. a loss of a special friend on Christmas Day 19 years ago, another loss of a very sweet little boy in December a few years later….those changed Christmas for me but time helped and I found most of that joy again. Two years ago my world was rocked and shattered in December and I know that Christmas and December will never, ever be the same again.

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

And it is often easy to think the Christmas and it’s joy and excitement has let us go instead of us letting it go. It’s easy to blame others, blame circumstance, even blame God for not being able to enjoy something that once was so very special to us.

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

But no matter has happened, no matter how heartbroken you are and how sad this time of year is, there is love in your heart and your mind. Your loved one misses you and loves you and you love them. I am so very blessed to have had these special people in my life and I feel so honoured to have known all of them, especially Cole. Sadness will come and go but love stays forever.

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love
Filling your heart with love, your life with joy and hope and surrounding ourselves with those things and people that really matter will fill you back up with the Christmas spirit all year round. It is not easy, it will always have it’s challenges. But knowing that your angel(s) love you as much as you love them and that so many people here love you, want to help you and miss your angel too will help to bring you joy this holiday season.
Hearing the last part of this song gave me hope and reminded me that I am so very blessed and that my heart is filled with love.


I was going to end my post here but decided to include some ideas below to help others find ways to honour their angel and to include them in their holiday. We have done and are doing a few things to bring Christmas to Cole and the bring Cole to our Christmas. We have made a donation to the hospital where our fetal surgery was performed as part of our teacher gifts to the boys school teachers and we will also make a donation in Cole’s name as a family present to him. Our Christmas card has many different photos on it this year and one of them is one of my mirror shots of Cameron. The year that we lost Cole, 12 days before Christmas, we decided we wanted to have a special angel tree topper for our tree and also placed an ornament on the tree for him. We will continue this tradition each year and hope this year to have his tree topper the way we want it (it is impossible to find ‘boy’ angel tree toppers it seems!). We bought (well Santa brought) a present for Cole last year…. A teddy bear for us to give him hugs….a way to send our hugs to heaven. It matched one we bought for Cameron and we will likely do that this year as well. You may want to buy a toy for a needy child or a piece of equipment (or a toy) for the NICU where your angel passed away or your survivor was after they were born. Lighting candles or perhaps having a special light on your Christmas tree will help to include your loved one this year. Light and it’s projections have always reminded me of Cole…perhaps because I feel he is guiding me and letting his light shine through me. Most of all talk about your angel, share him or her with others…find a way to help others to understand that talking about them helps you to include them in your life.
May the next few weeks be filled with more feelings of joy this holiday season than of sadness .