Today I gathered together with many friends to say goodbye to one of God's newest angels. Tonight I've learned that God's angels now include another wee babe as well. I find myself full to the brim with emotion and sadness and I know that it is okay, that I am okay and that this is a good place to go and cry. Not to say I didn't cry today...the largest tears fell as I watched my friend Brian's daughter say goodbye to her wonderful daddy as her mom held her. Yup, it was awful.
Tonight I want to write about my friend Brian, to remember him, to share him with you because, man, did God get an amazing angel and did we ever lose an amazing man.
I think I met Brian in 1995...but I'm not totally sure. We've been friends so long that it's hard to remember where the first time I met him was. I've known him longer than I've known my husband. I know we met at some Junior Farmer function or another (for those reading this who aren't from Ontario or aren't rural farmy folk, Junior Farmers or JF is a rural youth organization that I was very active in for many years...kinda like 4-H or FFA but with older members and, well to be honest, much more alcohol). I got to know Brian over the years as we attended dances and social events when I was a member of another club. I remember our first 'serious' discussion which ironically was a bit about death. If memory serves me correctly, Brian had been in a very serious car accident and one of the passengers had been killed...though I may have this wrong and it might just have been that he was friends with this girl who had died. It was a horrible end to an exchange year for an exchange student at the local highschool... she didn't make it back to Mexico after her exchange was over. I hadn't known this girl and had only heard a bit about the accident. I remember Brian and I talking about it at a campfire after we'd had, oh maybe just a few too many drinks. He wasn't emotional per say but he let me see a side of him that guys don't always show.
After that, it seemed, we always had a few moments for each other at whatever event we might be at. And he almost always asked me (and many other girls too) up for a dance. He loved to dance, to spin you around till you were dizzy. He'd have this big grin on his face and laugh at you and you tried to hold on for dear life.
As time went on I think I actually saw more of him than less. I moved to his area and became a member of his JF club. We attending meetings and events together and watched our kids grow up and play together occasionally. Actually I remember a distinctive parenthood memory....
When Zack was less than 3 months old we were at Brian and Annette's one night. Zack was sleeping in his car seat and Katrina, their 18 mth old (or so) at the time pulled up a stuffed chair beside him and admired him all night long. She even got out her baby and looked after him/her beside our baby. I remember Brian asking me that night how parenthood was going and commenting that it was the greatest thing ever. He was and is so right.
Time went on, we continued to see their family here and there but I got older...and retired from JF. We saw each other around the community a bit, our kids skated together.
And then tragedy struck our family. In a whirlwind of events we met with a crisis, the loss of a child and a second medical crisis all within a few short weeks. And there was Brian's family (his wife, himself, his brother and his sister in law) helping us pick up the pieces. They brought food to the house shortly after Cole passed away. I think we actually came home to food from them one day after an appointment in Toronto and then more food and visits from the girls a number of weeks later.
And when that second medical crisis happened and I found myself back in Toronto again I was pleasantly surprised to find Brian wandering in my hospital room door one evening.
He'd come with another friend of ours... someone from a totally different circle of friends, I wasn't even aware they knew each other until that moment. And as these men, these farmers away from their livelihood for a dairy conference in 'THE BIG CITY' sat in my hospital room I found myself having the most amazing conversation with my friend Brian. You see Peter, our other friend, wasn't overly comfortable with hospitals and he was spending all of his time chatting with Geoff... talking farming, feed programs, sports...anything but what was going on with us, with me, with my boys. But not Brian. No he took a seat at the end of my bed, looked me in the eye and said "And how are you really doing?" And then he listened as I told him what was happening with my boys, no I guess I should say what had already happened to my boys. He listened as I talked about Cole and how I felt. He asked questions about what would happen now, what we planned to do. He told me, more than once, how sorry he was that this had happened to us and how hard it must be for me to be where I was. I remember saying to him that I knew that he hadn't had a walk in the park medically in years past (he had a kidney transplant years prior). He replied "oh that is nothing compared to what you are going through. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling right now, can't imagine what it's like to lose a child...I am so very sorry".
Well tonight I say to Annette, to Katrina, to Cole (his son's name too)...I am so very sorry and I can't imagine the pain you are all going through. Today you said goodbye to an amazing husband, amazing dad, amazing friend. There will be a gap for years to come, a place that no one can fill. My heart aches for you.
And to Brian I say thank you. Thank you for your smiles, your laughter, your zest for life, your determination, your dedication, your love. Thank you for making me feel important at times...without even trying, I'm sure. I will miss seeing your smiling face and will forever remember you. As I said to Annette, there are a great many things this side of Heaven we are not meant to understand and this is one of them. I am sure that you are sitting with my Cole on your knee sharing stories with him...stories of JF adventures with his mom and farm adventures with his dad, of things about this great community that we live in that he didn't get to be a part of and of the things that all great dad's tell kids...the things that you've told Katrina and Cole countless times. My little one needed a good father figure up there...I wish that you were here but glad that you can have that job in Heaven too.
Take care of him for me, give him a hug and tell him his Mommy misses him....
And Cole, you give a hug back to Brian and tell him that everyone here misses him too!
Today, near the end of the funeral they played 'Angels Among Us'. I had planned to comment more on this song but realize I don't need to...you can tell by what I've wrote that Brian was 'an angel among us' already, long before he became one on Sunday. He helped me in one of my darkest hours, he gave to everyone, showed everyone how to live and is in inspiration to all. And now I can only ask that the angels that live amongst us are here to help his family pick up the pieces and find peace.
Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.
When life held troubled times, and had me down on my knees.
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me.
A kind word from a stranger, to lend a helping hand.
A phone call from a friend, just to say I understand.
And ain't it kind of funny that at the dark end of the road.
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope.
Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.
They wear so many faces; show up in the strangest places.
To grace us with their mercy, in our time of need.
Oh I believe there are angels among us.
Sent down to us from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me in our darkest hours.
To show us how to live, to teach us how to give.
To guide us with the light of love.
To guide us with the light of love.
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