How Great Thou Art

Do you know this hymn...hopefully you can hear it playing on my playlist right now. It's one of those ones that around here seems to get played at funerals a lot...but also at joyful moments at church too. Unfortunately for me it's only the funeral thoughts it ever brings forth in my head despite the fact that I LOVE the message of it.

O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,
Thy power throughout the universe displayed.


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!


When Christ shall come, with shout of acclamation,
And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart.
Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,
And then proclaim: "My God, how great Thou art!"


Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art!

We had this very version played at Cole's memorial service and it broke my heart to hear it play. Today we sang it in the very church where we said our formal goodbyes to our sweet son and my heart is just breaking all over again today. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get past these moments that shatter me all over again. I'll be brutally honest right now, I am crying so hard I can hardly type. I likely shouldn't even post this but sometimes I just need to get it out. I HATE the lead up to the Dec. 13th... 23 months ago my heart broke, my world crashed around me and I know I'll never, ever be the same again. A new me was born that day and sometimes I miss that old me so damn much!!! I know the new me is a better person, I know that God gave me Cole and this journey for some amazing reasons...some of them have already been realized and I am filled with joy because of them. But I am, sometimes, filled with such a deep sense of sadness too.
I can't figure out why this song is so heartwrenching for me. Maybe for the brutal honesty of it. God is amazing, He is so very great. He has done so many amazing things and creating my sons was one of the best I can think of. My soul sings that He is so great...but my mind just can't always catch up I guess.
Sometimes is so hard to see and sing about how great God is. So many people question His reasons...myself included. And maybe that is the biggest reason why this song brings about such emotion for me... it reminds me that when life gives us our hardest challenges, our biggest crisis and we question our faith most, God has brought us to this point for a purpose, no matter how hard of a journey it is, and He'll see us through to the end.
I know that when Christ comes for me I will be ready, ready to go home, ready to be with God and most of all so very ready to meet my son again.
P.S. As I finished posting this I ended up chatting with this wonderful friend of mine... she's just who I needed to hear from today. She is Tara, the mom of twins Jack Lawrence and Noah COLE....the boys born on the one year anniversary of the day we welcomed Cameron and Cole into this great world that God has given us. The friend that God gave me who needed me and Cole as much as I needed her. She is the first person I could be friends with who has twins and I am so glad I have her in my life. Today she reminded me that moments like this and songs that evoke emotion like this one does are the hugs from Cole that he so wants me to have. Those moments don't just happen...they are the reminders that he is always with me... that he wants a hug from me. She has encouraged me to find a way to send my hugs to him...to find something that is my way to hug him... something to hug or hold when I need to hug him. Or when he sends me these signs that are his way of asking for a hug...when I am missing him the most is when he needs me the most. Thanks Tara!
BTW - Jack and Noah sent their 'auntie Jodie' a lovely charm for my birthday. It reads "Friends are kisses blown to us by angels". An angel brought us together and an angel reminds me each day How Great God is...