I Believe

It seems I am filled with the writing bug these days...I really do think I need to look into what it would take to write a book about our journey to share our story with others, to hopefully help others deal with the loss of a child, the loss of a twin and the journey back to finding yourself.
For the last two days, not surprisingly, I've had my twin sons on my brain. I'd been very emotional.... full of memories of their lives together and of loss of Cole and the miracle journey of Cameron.
Being told by Dr. Ryan that he was truly impressed and surprised at how well Cameron was doing was so very hard to hear. I thought it would make me feel better, make me oh so much more joyful about the amazing little boy he is. But instead I am filled with emotion at how close we came to losing him. And filled with the intense sadness that the loss of Cole has always brought me.
I dreamt of my pregnancy last night for the first time in a very long time. I dreamt that I was was telling people that I was pregnant with identical twin sons (which I never knew until the night we were diagnosed with TTTS) and that there going to be the busiest, craziest little boys...and I couldn't wait to meet them. I told people that baby a was named Cole and baby b was named Cameron. I kept rubbing my belly and telling my boys how excited I was that God had chosen me to be the mommy of identical twin boys and how amazed I was at this miracle.
Suddenly the dream turned into what was the reality...it was weird because it was like I was spinning around in a kaleidoscope and all the images of being in Stratford, all the places at Mt. Sinai, ambulances, St. Joe's and images of the boys at their arrival were all around me. I woke up in a cold sweat with tears streaming down my cheeks.
I came here to check something on the blogs I read and this song was playing...

I Believe - Diamond Rio
Every now and then
Soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you, come back again
And it's like, you haven't been

Gone a moment from my side
Like the tears were never cried
Like the hands of time
Were pulling you, and me

And with all my heart, I'm sure
We're closer than we ever were
I don't have to hear or see
I've got all the proof I need

There are more than angels watching
Over me.. I believe.. ohh, I believe.

Now when you die, your life goes on
It doesn't end here, when you're gone
Every soul is filled with light
It never ends, if I'm right

Our love can even reach, across-
Eternity.. I believe.. ohh, I believe.

Forever, you're a part of me
Forever, in the heart of me
I will hold you even longer
If I can..

Oh, the people who don't see the most
See that I, believe in ghosts
If that makes me crazy, then I am
Cuz I believe.. ohh, I believe..

There are more than angels watching
Over me.. I believe.. ohh, I believe.


Every now and then
Soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you, come back again..
And I believe..


And I have to believe that this dream and being pulled here was Cole's way of hugging his mommy when she's feeling so very low and down. I believe, I have to believe, that he is around me just as God's love is all around me. I just wish that I was able to feel so much more positive about this.
Geoff and I were chatting last night about my sadness and about my feelings about Cameron and what Dr. Ryan said. I told him about a blog entry I read on Fetal Hope's website

In order to move forward in my journey, I had to realize that God does not take children, he welcomes them. “Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14. You see, Rosemary and Sophie were never really mine to begin with. We are all God’s children and we are put on this earth to worship him especially through our sufferings. My girls never have to suffer like the rest of us. They will rest peacefully with Christ and wait on my arrival. Does this mean that I am not sad, angry, doubtful, or scared? Absolutely not. But my life can only move forward if I trust that the Lord will take care of my heavenly children while at the same time will take care of my life here on earth.

I know, and have said it before, that Cole did not ever have to suffer in order to make it to God's kingdom. He is there and God is taking care of him. I truly believe he has a job up there to protect other TTTS babies. He protected his twin and helped him 'overcome the most unbelievable odds' as Dr. Ryan said... TTTS, severe anemia, pPROM, preterm labour, amniotic band syndrome (our new discovery that Cameron had), prematurity and weight gain issues. Then God brought my new friend Tara into my life and lead to me to help her gain strength and feel His love. She and I truly believe that He sent Cole to watch over her boys and chose to bring them into the world on my son's birthday. Jack Lawrence and Noah Cole Sawyer were welcomed by their parents on Feb. 26th...the day that one year before I had welcomed my sons Cameron Cole Gregory and Cole Edward Ryan into the world.
I know that God has a plan for me, I know that He has a plan for all of my children. Leaving it all up to Him...man it's hard sometimes. Acceptance is so hard. As I said to Geoff last night...I find it so hard to be so sure of what I am 'supposed' to do especially when I have these intense sad moments. I don't know if it's okay to feel this sad... and here's the blog entry from FH on this...
Will this grief end? I have also learned that God never promises us a life free from pain, but he does promise to be by our side. He will never abandon you. There have been many days when I have felt completely alone, like He has forgotten about me. There are many difficult situations I faced and still face after my loss. So my answer to Will this grief end, is I don’t know. The feeling of sadness is still there but it’s not overwhelming anymore. The most important thing I had to re-teach myself is that everything good is from God. At the end of the day, I think of all the good things in my life: my loving husband, my precious 4 year old daughter, my amazing friends, etc. The good news is the Lord already knows my heart, my needs, my problems and all I have to do is lay them at his feet, and He will carry those burdens for me. My God is a compassionate God, and he holds every one of my tears in hands. He hurts too and for some reason I find that comforting.
I'm not sure I am where this blogger is at...but I am trying and I guess that has to be good enough for now. I have to remind myself that this is a process.... there is no time line, there is no magic pill...and forever I will find things that are going to upset me. I lost a child, my son lost his twin brother. There is no way to sugar coat that and make it 'okay' but there are ways to make it more about the joy of the gift I was given..the gifts I have been given...than to make it always a sad topic.
Does this mean I can't be sad from time to time? No way...I am human. Finding the balance is important...and I honestly think I have done a good job of this.
And so for now I will sign off to have my tearful moments, to listen to the song again and to feel Cole's touch... Soft as breath upon my skin.. feel him come back again... And believe...