No Judging, No Condeming, Only Forgiving

These two scriptures have been placed on my heart and in light of what I shared the other day I feel like I need to share them here today.
Acts 4:32-33 All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had. 33 With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus. And God’s grace was so powerfully at work in them all.
We all belong to God. Everything we have, the good and the bad, belong to him and yet He has placed us together and asked us to share everything we have. 
Luke 6:37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

After all I wrote about on Bell Let's Talk day (click here to read it if you missed it) I am feeling most convicted of this... by talking about judging, I was judging.  By talking about condemning, I was condemning. And by forgiving, I shall be forgiven.

I wrote two days ago with honesty and transparency and I feel I need to do a bit of a follow up.
First of all I need to reassure everyone that life really is improving, that my faith in the medical profession is being restored, that I am happy and feeling good about life. My life may not be what I dreamed it would be 20 years ago...but then who has the life they dreamed of when they were in their late teens and early twenties.  I am so very blessed and can say, with honesty and sincerity, that being affected by mental illness, struggling with the issues I wrote about yesterday and even losing my son and a piece of my heart are blessings too.

But what I really need to share is what I was convicted with the other night when I came across the above scriptures in a novel I am reading.  I realized that a community can be made up of anyone, can be brought together for any reason and will always consist of people who have a wide variety of personality traits, skills, strengths and weaknesses.  The key thing to a community is it's definition....

a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common as well as a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.

If we truly have a feeling of fellowship and belonging then we should share everything, we should embrace everything and we should forgive everything...in time anyway. 
I realized that after I wrote about how it felt to live with mental illness in my home and how that affects me , I was really writing about feeling like I don't belong.
This is, sadly, something I have felt this for years.  I tried to fit in... too hard at times.  Maybe more then 'at times'.  I just never felt like I measured up to the standards I felt were set for me or in comparison to my friends.  There were always people better then me at everything. 
At the end of highschool I competed in the 'queen of the fair' competition in our hometown fair. I did it because it was the 'thing to do', because I had an interest in the fair and agriculture and because it seemed like fun.  I said right from the start that I was just doing it for fun, that I didn't want to win.  I said this because I knew there was no chance I would win.  Two of my very good friends were also competing against me. Both were more talented in music, more athletic, more popular and definitely stronger in school. I might have belonged in the contest but I didn't belong under the tiara. 
Imagine my shock when they announced me as the winner!  To this day I am not sure why I was chosen over my friends but I do know that I shared a piece of my heart in my speech and that just might have been what put me over the top.  I'll come back to what I shared later because it actually ties in to another realization that I had the other night. This is just one of many examples I could give of times where I convinced myself that I didn't care or didn't want something so that I could protect my heart from the hurt of failure or rejection.
The feelings of not belonging, not fitting in, not measuring up where all things I controlled, not that controlled me...but yet I let them and I fed them.  And in all honesty I should not be writing those statements in the past tense but rather the present.  I still do this...all the time.
But the thing about belonging, whether it is in a community or a family is that it is not a one way street.  If you expect to be accepted and included then you need to accept and include others.  If you want  support when times are tough then you need to offer support to others when they are struggling.
And that is something I don't do a very good job of I think... maybe initially, maybe when it's obvious...but as time goes on I get selfishly caught up in my own life and I forget to check in, forget to offer my ear to listen, my shoulder to lean or cry on.
And so now I am feeling completely convicted of being a judgmental jerk and a hypocrite.  If I can get busy with my life and be oblivious to the needs of others then why is it ok to judge others for doing the same.  And even worse, how can I condemn them for doing something that I do myself.   I can say all I want about how it feels to not be supported, understood or accepted for who you are not what you are going through or your actions but I've done it to.  I have accused others of not changing their way of thinking and complained of them not supporting me but I am guilty of this too...and I have made a promise to myself to change. 
And I apologize to anyone who might have been thinking this all along as they read my last post and felt a bit put off by my attitude.

Let’s Talk… Let’s Stop and Really Talk

So today is Bell’s Let’s Talk day. 

It’s an initiative by Bell Canada to end the stigma of mental health disorders, to raise awareness to the growing number of Canadians who suffer from mental health issues each and every day and to find ways to get everyone involved in supporting and advocating for those affected.

I’ve wrote about mental health issues before in my blog.  It’s been something that has affected my family for years.  I’ve always been vague…out of respect for my husband and our family and, well, because it’s the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about and no one seems to take seriously.  And today I’m not going to be vague.  Today I am going to talk. Today it is time to give everyone who reads my blog a bit of a peak into my life and to be really damned honest about how the stigma really feels.

The thing about mental illness is that no two days are ever the same.  The thing about mental illness is that no two people are the same.  The thing about mental illness is that there is no easy answers, cures, fixes or solutions.  And the thing about mental illness, the thing no one ever really touches on, is that, though it is by no means contagious, it most certainly can lead to mental health issues in the loved ones affected by the person originally diagnosed. It sure has for me.

And that is my life.  No two days are the same, no two hours are the same some days.  Walking on eggshells at times has become the norm.  Not knowing what would set it off, not knowing whether a bad start to a day put the writing on the wall for a day from hell or a day of amazing learning experiences.  Wondering when the other shoe would drop has also become a way of life for me and I think that is the hardest of all...the unpredictability of it all. That and the knowledge that it didn't used to be this way, that the person I married isn't the person I am married to anymore much of the time and the memories of easier times are, at times, no blessing at all. 

When I first we first began dating I knew there was something different about him…something awesome.  He treated me with such respect and he had such an interest in what I had to say, what I liked to do…in my life.  I had met him before and, in all honesty, thought he was a self-centered jerk and a show off.  But that was in a group. That was in front of a crowd.  When it was just us or just a small group he was so different. So natural, so genuine, so real and honest. Back then, when we began dating, I had no idea why there was the two sides to him.  Now I know… because deep deep inside he was ill at ease with himself, he was unsure, he was torn… but when I say that was deep inside I mean deep…so deep that he had no idea that he even had two sides, so deep that he, to this day, doesn’t really see this about himself and he has no idea why it happens.  I was drawn to that one side of him, this thoughtful, compassionate, loving, caring and very unmasculine, at times, side.

After we spent a number of months together I saw the anger side come out and often saw the side his psychiatrist calls ‘the overwhelming certainty’ side.  But I didn’t understand it and it didn’t affect me…and really was so rare that it didn’t matter at all.  Back then he worked hard, had fun, had lots of casual friends (though very few really close friends) and always had a job or even two. 

Fast forward a few years.  A kid or two, a house or two, money stress, job stress, marriage stress and, most of all, kid stress.  As time went on all of these things created a person that was very different at times from the man I fell in love with, the man I married.  There were angry moments, moments that weren't really moments for they lasted hours or sometimes days. And there were sad moments, dark times, silent times, lost times. For a long time I sat silent about the problem though I never sat silent through the anger…let’s be honest, I don’t know how to be quiet long, I don’t like to be told I am wrong about much and I am ‘good’ at arguing.  And there in began one of the biggest downfalls of our life... the volume and tone of our conversations, the words used, the attitudes taken.  It began to cause tension between us but it also began to push people away.  
Eventually I did speak up, eventually I did point out what I saw, what I felt.  And eventually he did ask for some help, was given some medication for depression and sent on his way.  
Fast forward 3 more years and add in the stress of an unplanned twin pregnancy, a significant medical diagnosis, the loss of a child, the hospitalization of myself and the premature birth of our surviving twin and you get a recipe for disaster when you are already struggling with your mental health and have done nothing except taken medication for it.  
The bottom fell out and the medical profession tried to put it back together with a quick assessment, some more medication and a few therapy sessions.  Bandaids...that's all we were given...bandaid solutions.  
And so it comes as no surprise that eventually the bottom really fell out about a year later and he hit rock bottom....heck our marriage hit rock bottom. Life sucked for a long time in this phase.  Some things were absolutely awesome... we found Christ and were born again. We found an amazing church and amazing friends and felt loved and supported.  And that was a very good thing because at the same time as those new relationships were forming, others were falling apart (and continue to do so it would seem).  I began opening up to others and being more honest in hopes that I would gain support, help, empathy.  Sadly, this is where I learned that this stigma of mental health goes beyond a lack of understanding.  It puts blinders on, it forms opinions and judgements and it can rip friendships apart. 
And we were still coasting through it all, despite a formal diagnosis of bipolar disorder because the medical professionals were still just offering bandaid solutions.   
Until one day an amazing Christian counselor offered ideas, solutions, the name of a doctor, a step by step plan with assigned jobs for both of us to help implement it.  And best of all, a new diagnosis, a much less 'life limiting' diagnosis, a much more treatable diagnosis was discovered. 
***and add in edit here after many have read this and it's become obvious that I didn't make this part clear*** He wasn't bipolar, he never had been bipolar.  This was and still is one of the most frustrating parts of this. We wasted 4 years of our lives trying to figure out what was 'wrong' with him...why nothing got better really despite being on meds for this disorder that seemed to be so threatening, such a life sentence.  We learned how much had been done wrong, how little had been invested in helping him.  But we had to move past that and work at discovering what the real problem might be.  That isn't really easy to explain or understand but simply put he doesn't regulate his emotions properly and they are all kind of messed up in his head, 'disassociated' to be exact.  It very well stems from incidents that are many many years old and were formed very early in his life.  There are some other things that go with this that cause him to be very 'certain' of himself...over certain, blameless in his mind etc and when all is said and done these things have created major struggles in maintaining relationships with family, friends, supervisors and bosses, co-workers etc.
But slowly, very slowly, things have started to move forward.  There were bumps in the road, there were further stresses...job losses, money troubles, family dynamics and relationships..but all in all, the road to recovery seems to be one we are on.

And so why am I doing this?  Why am I sharing this very personal information about our life ???  Because I am tired.  Tired of making excuses, tired of being embarrassed, tired of trying to explain only to know that it’s falling on deaf ears…that the judgements won’t go away no matter what I say, no matter how hard I try to explain.  I am tired of the looks. Tired of the silence that has come from friends who used to be there.  Tired of the comments.  I just want to talk about it without feeling unheard, unwelcome, unsupported.  I just want to feel like it doesn't matter that mistakes have been made...each day is a new day.  I just want to feel like I am not being held accountable for things I have no control what so ever over.  I just want the love and acceptance that I once had from friends and family to return and not be based on anything but who I am inside. 

I found this great article that really goes into the reasons why the stigma around mental health disorders is so damaging.  http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/factsheet/stigma-and-discrimination-around-mental-health-and-substance-use-problems.

You can read the full article here but I am going to comment on a few parts of it.  
One thing that really jumped out at me was this statistic....Just under half of Canadians thought that a mental disorder was just an excuse for poor behaviour .  That is what people don't seem to understand... this poor behaviour...the displays of anger, the inconsistencies, the things that come off as rude, selfish or inconsiderate.... for so many people suffering from a mental health disorder there is little to no control of those things.  It's not intentional, it's not controllable.  And very often it isn't even something the person is aware of.  
There are some great ways to help end this stigma, end this attitude that really only leads to judging:
 
Address differences that prevent people from taking part in communities: Poverty, lack of affordable housing, lack of education opportunities and lack of meaningful work are a few of the social factors that affect well-being. These factors may be both a result of poor health and a cause of poor health. 
 Support everyone’s right to work: It’s no wonder that the right to employment is identified as a human right by the United Nations. Work gives us purpose and meaning. It’s also tied to income, which is tied to other social factors.
 Promote direct personal contact: Meeting and interacting with people with mental health or substance use problems is one of the best ways to improve attitudes and behaviours. The key here to me is interacting, getting involved, checking in on the person and their family. 
 Look at mental health problems as a part of our shared humanity: Fear, prejudice and discrimination lessen when we talk about mental health problems as an understandable response to a unique set of circumstances—not just as biological problems. You can't turn your back on it and hope it will go away.  If you share any part of your life with the person affected or their family then you share this part of their life too.
Help people be heard: We need to encourage and empower people with experiences of mental health issues to be leaders in any efforts, such as anti-stigma programs and research. This includes supporting people and connecting them with peers. When people relate to each other’s struggles and want to see changes, they’re more likely to share their stories and protest when they see injustice.

Ending the stigma, finding acceptance, empathy, compassion and even understanding has to come from within.  It isn't up to the person with the mental health issue, it isn't up to the family of that person...it's up to you.  

Finally Finishing this up...

So I came back here today to get back to writing...to write about something that I read in a devotional that really spoke to me and tied into love...the last theme for my advent project that I never finished...what can I say except I got busy, distracted and lacked motivation.  Christmas prep came,  my awesome brother from Saskatchewan and his family came, Christmas came, illness came (uggg) and some awesome time with family and friends came. 
Anyway, what I discovered when I came back is that I had written and posted some blog entries and dated them to post in the future back around Dec. 19th and none of them posted...looks like I scheduled the date and then forgot to hit post.  So please go back and read those posts
December 20
December 21
December 22
December 23
and then come back here later (hopefully sooner then later) and read my final post on love below.  Thanks!

I read about this sculpture from The Mount Grace Priory in North Yorkshire which is one of England’s best-preserved medieval monasteries. For hundreds of years, Carthusian monks lived there in solitude, devoting themselves to prayer. The priory’s ruins are impressive, but this more modern monument caught the eye of the writer of my devotion's attention.

At the center of this church stands this sculpture.  Known as the Madonna of the Cross, it depicts Jesus’ mother Mary lifting her newborn Son to heaven.  As the author points out there are many striking aspects to the sculpture—like Mary’s posture (determined rather than distraught), and her expression (serene rather than anguished). But perhaps the most striking feature is that she stands in the form of a cross.

 Simeon told Mary when he met her shortly after Jesus' birth that, “a sword will pierce your very soul” (Luke 2:35).  She knew her calling would be painful but just how painful was never revealed. Simeon's prophecy was fulfilled in John 19. Mary stood looking at her Son—now lifted up on a cross (Luke 2:25). He was suffering and she loved Him beyond words. Even then He was concerned for her well-being (Luke 2:26-27). The sword had pierced her soul.

But there was a reason why the sculptor depicted Mary as looking serene. “She is looking beyond Calvary to the resurrection,” he says (see Luke 20:1-18).

The question in the devotion was this...

As I reflect on today’s verses and Brocklesby’s sculpture, I ask myself: Will I, like Mary, accept the suffering inherent in my own divine calling? And will I look beyond that pain to God’s promised victory? 
and
How else did Mary suffer for being the mother of Jesus? In what ways might you suffer for Him today?

And as I pondered this I was struck by the realization that I may very well have something so much in common with Mary.  'Will I, like Mary, accept the suffering inherent in my own divine calling'?
If my divine calling is to be someone who offers support to others in need, who relates to others because of the pain my heart has suffered and because of this pain, intuitively knows what a suffering parent needs to hear and can share Jesus with them so that they too may find comfort...then I guess I have accepted it.  I didn't want too, I fought it so often, hated so many of the moments of it but yet I have always felt that this pain was necessary to become who I am today, who God wishes me to be.
Can I look beyond that pain to God's promised victory?  I guess I can...I don't really see that I have a choice.  I came to Christ, for the most part, because I was afraid I would never see Cole again if I didn't.  I didn't get the option to choose to be a loss parent but I did have a choice in how I dealt with, what I did with that pain, where I allowed God to take me.  I pray each day that it will take me home.
I felt such a connection to Mary's suffering but I also felt such a connection to this sculpture and the reason behind why it was created.  My situation was different, I was never able to offer Cole up to the Lord in this way, never able to lift his body to God and show that I accepted his fate and mine.  But after the initial first few hard years I feel very much more determined and serene then distraught and anguish.
And why is that... Love.
The love I have for the son that holds such a dear place in my heart.  The love I have for the way he has transpired my life.  The love that I have for the Lord who didn't allow my suffering but instead allowed me comfort in my suffering.  The love I have for the Lord who gave us his son and the suffering of his son so that I may one day see mine again.  

Filling the hole with Love

I came across this video from Oprah's interview with parents of Sandy Hook Elementary leading up to the first anniversary.  I can't fathom the loss that those parents feel, can't imagine what it must be like as this first anniversary approaches.  These parents are so inspiring....

The hole in my heart is sacred and it can never ever be filled.  But it can be and it is, covered with love.  It needs to be protected because it is so very sacred and special to us.  Cole is so sacred and special to us.  By covering the hole that losing him has created with love we are protecting his memory and making new memories to share him, share what his life is about, with others. "So you protect it and grow"... oh how true this is.  Growing, changing, becoming more empathetic and compassionate, helping others...all of this is growth that builds love.
These parents are so right... our job as those left behind after a loss is to make our hearts bigger then the loss. You can't live your life in the past or in the tragedy. You can't focus only on what is gone.  You must carry on through love.  There is only one way to do that... you have to make your decisions out of love...to live your life with such love for others...for all others...that nothing can get into that hole that is left behind and dig it deeper and deeper.

Love really is the answer.

Love...no greater thing

One of my favourite scriptures of all times is 1st Corinthians 13

13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in partand we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes,what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

In the past I only focused on the common verses  1-7, 13.  Then I learned more and also focused on the first part of this scripture.  Knowing the love of Jesus helps me to understand that without love you are sunk.  You can be the smartest, most prophetic person going but if your prophecy, if your wise words do not come with love, aren't shared because of love then you might as well talk to a wall.  You can be a person of strong faith, profess your dedication to Jesus, do your acts of service and live a life that seems dedicated to the Lord but if you don't truly love everyone in your life then you aren't worth the paper your 'great acts of service' award was printed on.  So many live their lives like this... doing what they think is right and good but still having feelings of unforgiveness in their heart, feelings of anger towards someone, bitterness inside of them etc and because of this they truly do not know Christ.  

You have to let it go, you can't dwell at all on any of that.  You need to forgive and love, love and forgive.  It's just that simple.  

I had never really studied the last part of this passage until recently and I think it speaks so clearly of how important love is, how everlasting love is.  Everything else will fall away. Let's face it, life changes, people change.  I recently had an encounter where I was purposely left out of something.  I was hurt and I posted on facebook about it.  I felt like I was back in public school and was the kid left alone in the playground with no one to play with.  I felt like I was back in highschool where people might talk behind your back, share things about you and stare at you when you walk by but no one shared what was wrong, what started a problem etc.  I also felt the rush of recent memories of things that had happened in my life where I things changed... people stopped calling, stopped inviting us over, stopped dropping in, stopped, stopped stopped... yeah, it sucks.  It took me a lot of time to and analyzing but I would harbour a guess that a lack of empathy, compassion and understanding would be the reason for this.  Some of that is the change in me after I experienced loss but since the 'being left out' had been happening since before that I knew that wasn't it.  It would seem that people want to judge, want to decide how you should live your life and even more so, people find it easier to walk away from what they don't understand, especially when it involves mental health issues then to say 'I have noticed this' or 'I am concerned about this' or 'Is there anything I can do to help, do you want to talk about it'. 
So anyway, after I posted abot it I had two things that came out of that...I learned that I very much not alone in this feeling... the feeling that so many others could relate AND that I should watch what I post as the original person not only saw it but saw fit to send me a short and terse message and then walk out of my life for good (as in blocked me on facebook). 
So how does this all tie into my post on 1st Corinthians 13???  Like I said, Love Remains...everything else falls apart...sometimes literally...or it falls away...but not love. It's always there.  We grow, we change.  We live a life with trials, passion and adventure but when it's all over we aren't left with anything... except love because nothing matters if we don't have love. 
This is the advent week of Love.  I don't have a lot of posts for it...or much time...hello Christmas vacation!!!  But what I know that will be in my heart this week is that there is nothing greater then love, nothing fills us more.
And just cuz I found this to be the sweetest display of what a gift unconditional love is I decided to leave you with this video clip from Charlotte's Web.

Bring back the Joy

In the hours after we learned Cole was gone I wondered if I would ever feel joy again.  My world was dark, the darkest I had ever experienced.  Knowing Cameron was still alive really didn't bring me much comfort.  Gradually that changed so that I could see a glimmer of light, a glimmer of joy creeping into my darkness, into my heart. But those moments were pretty short lived.
My first true moments of joy in that first week came when we learned that Cameron had a wonderful prognosis.  Now I do know now that Dr. Ryan actually gave us the 'best case scenario' only view of what he thought the prognosis was.  He knew that was what we needed to hear, he knew that on that day, a mere 6 days before Christmas (5 years ago yesterday to be exact) that our trip to Toronto in a crazy snow storm needed to be only about finding that joy.  (he has since told us that he never imagined Cameron to be the healthy, energetic, completely uneffected child that he is). 
And that was the start of feeling joy again.
As I said, it was Christmas time and my boys, then 5 and 2 were PUMPED.  They had no idea how broken our world was, no idea the true sadness that mommy felt...though Brycen did say daily 'mommy you no cry today, you no sad today right mom'.  Those words could start or stop tears...all depended on my mood. 
But those two boys with their smiling faces, their laughter, their innocence...that brought me out of my funk and helped me find joy.
I think my kids were likely where most of my joy was found in those first few months.  How can the smiles, laughter and love of children not bring you joy? 
I think I also learned to find joy in the support of others.  The calls, the meals, the visits, the favours, the food (oh did I mention that already), the gifts for all of us but most of all, the listening and the words of support, comfort and love that were shared...those were joy filled moments.
In the healing times that truly took the next two years of my life I also found great joy in helping others.  Sometimes it would be the opposite...I would read stories of TTTS cases so similar to mine and yet with 'perfect' outcomes and I would be angry (admittedly I do very very occaisionally still feel this way) but for the most part I was filled with joy when another family beat this dreaded disease.  I was also filled with joy when I read words of appreciation from others for the sharing of my story, for the hope and support I gave them. It was like Cole's little life had so much more meaning when those moments happened. 
I also found great joy in planning the fundraisers..in knowing I was using this life lesson to better the life of another baby just by bringing funds to Mt. Sinai to help. 
And my greatest source of joy... the lives all of my children but especially of Cameron and Cole.  Knowing that I had created those lives out of love, struggled, experienced trials and grown and grown and grown...changed, blossomed... just knowing that my kids did that for me has and forever will, bring me such joy. 
Where do you find joy?  Think about it, pray about it, ask God to reveal it to you and never, ever, give up searching...there is always something out there that brings more and more joy to someone.

Joy Comes in the Mourning

I was doing some research and came across this ariticle.  You can find it here if you are curious about the source but it is from a website called Hope for the Mourning...what an appropriate title.  I just thought I would share this today (cuz I admit, I am tired, it's been a long week and I don't have the brain power left to come up with much original work LOL) and then wrap up the week of joy tomorrow with some to the things I have done to find my joy again.

Find Joy In God

God wants all of us, even grieving parents, to find joy in God. Jesus himself told His disciples that the reason for his teaching was for our eternal joy. In John 15:11, Jesus told his disciples, “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” Rather than finding joy in circumstances, we ought to find our joy in God.
Following my oldest son’s death, I re-examined every aspect of my life to determine where I find joy and happiness in my life. Is my joy from my job? But what happens when I lose it? Is my joy in my hobbies, my athletic pursuits or my entertainment? What happens when I lose my sight or my ability to run or walk? Is my joy in my spouse and children? What happens when my child or spouse dies? How will I have any ability to carry on in life if all of my joy was centered solely in my child or spouse? To the extent that you use your life circumstances as the sole means for joy in your life, I believe that you are living in a dream world, for sooner or later the façade will come crashing down, and you will have nothing left. What of joy then? Where will your joy come from then?
If we focus on the objective truth of God’s great love for us, demonstrated in Christ, then we can have a joy sufficient to overcome the melancholy that accompanies our mourning. In Colossians, Paul says to the church, “May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” Colossians 1:11-14.
Outside of living in the hope of eternal life through Jesus Christ, the only way to break out of our melancholy would be to try various means to either (i) forget your circumstances as they relate to your deceased child and his or her history or (ii) convince yourself that you never really loved your now-deceased child all that much, or that life is not that big of a deal. But these are short-term “fixes,” of avoiding the grief, and will only work so long as the circumstances are right. These methods of dealing with melancholy are “dark” in the sense that they are not grounded in objective truth. To the extent that these methods work for you it is only because we turn off the lights and, in living in the dark, are able to, for only a short time, avoid the plain objective realities surrounding our child’s death.
In the Bible, we see several men who centered their hopes for joy in God, not their own circumstances. One of these was King David who, as King of Israel, led the Israel through its greatest, most successful years. But rather than focus on his own significant earthly successes as the source of his happiness, David tells us that it was God that ultimately brought him joy. In Psalm 27, David says, “One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.” Psalm 27:4. David said, “I say to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you’…The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot.” Psalm 16:2,5.
The Psalmist Asaph understood that, ultimately, only God could give him true, full, everlasting joy. When everything else in life fades away, when everyone else dies, and even when we die, God will still be there for us. In Psalm 73:25, 26, Asaph writes, “Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
The Apostle Paul, before he became a Christian, had reason to take pride in his circumstances. He was a zealous Jew, even persecuting the early church. And yet, following his conversion, he considered all his background“…as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord…I count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.” Philippians 3:8-11.
There is nothing we need more following the death of our child than joy. But in order to have sustained, lasting joy, the object of our joy must be eternal. If the suffering you have experienced has soured the taste of anything that used to give you joy, you ought to examples of Paul, Asaph and David in finding ultimate joy in God. No earthly joy tastes as sweet as a joy centered in God. Psalm 34:8.