Choices or Chosen

I began this blog post about 10 days ago... at the start of a few very rough days in my life.  I debated about erasing this post but realized that so much of it relates to so many areas of life and was very much worth sharing.....

Tonight I am having a hard time with a few things and am really finding myself struggling.  I've been in prayer off and on for a good chunk of the night and I will admit I have shed a few tears tonight.  The reasons are unimportant...well actually they are very important but they won't be shared here in too many details.  Suffice to say I feel emotionally and physically drained and yet so full of questions for the Lord and so much in need of scripture.  I decided that I needed to work my way through this and found myself here...knowing that sometimes writing it is better then thinking it, praying it on 'paper' is more fulfilling (and less likely to be forgotten too)

Tonight my heart is filled with questions about the choices I have made and need to make and the life that God has chosen for me.  I am really struggling with some of this.  I am really questioning if I made the right choices a few times in my past or if I am making the right choice now.  I have tried  to pray and give it over to God but I am not sure what is my own free will telling me what I should do and what is the voice of God.  The fact is, I know the choice I need to make but, dammit, I don't know if I can keep it, don't know if I can do the 'right' thing.  

Do you ever wonder that... is this really what you want from me Lord? Is this really all there is?  Do you really want this for me? 

My answer to those questions has been a resounding NO...this can't be what he wants, this can't be all there is.  This choice hurts to much, this choice makes me feel judged, alone, angry, bitter... the list could go on but the jist of it is that I just can't imagine that this pain is what God wants for me. 

This morning we began a six part series in women's ministry on Jonah.  Here is a peek at it....

The first session focused on what we do when God interrupts our lives...and for many people, like Jonah, we run.  But the real focus was on their interruptions and how we needed to look at them... not as a negative thing, not as a dreaded thing or something we wish to run from. But rather as a privilege...as the gift from God that they are.  But oh how hard that is.  How hard it is to look at your life and see the path it is on and know where you plan to take it... only to have God change that plan, put a big road block on your path and shove you hard down his.  

Jeremiah 29:11-14

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ¹² In those days when you pray, I will listen. ¹³ If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”

I feel, tonight and other times too, that just when I think I have figured the next step in God's plan out, a huge wrench will be thrown into it.  But more then that, I find myself wanting to run from where he seems to be pushing me towards tonight.  I find myself asking him so many questions...Is this really what you want from me? Is this really what I am meant to do?  And even when I answer those with a resounding yes (because deep down my heart knows this is the plan God has for me and the choices I am thinking of would not be of God) I still say 'really Lord, really.  There is no way I can keep doing this'.  I want to make the choices, I want to be in control of that.
We were asked today if we are managers or owners. Do we manage the life that God has given us or do we try to own that life and run it ourselves.  Tonight I was just wanted so bad to be an owner.  I don't want to manage this life under God's direction, I want to take it to where I need it to go right now... a place that isn't so hard, painful and confusing.  I want to make the choices not have then chosen for me.

Proverbs 19:21

New International Version (NIV)

²¹ Many are the plans in a person’s heart,
    but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

But that's not how it is because we are a chosen people not a people of choice.  Accepting that is hard at times.  Giving it all over to him and trusting him completely isn't easy and it isn't where my mind is telling me to go.
We discussed this morning about where God wants us to be, why he interrupts our lives with these privileges, who are the people God wants you share this interruption with. The presenter asked us to think of people in our communities who God might be calling us to minister too...despite us not wanting to be there.  When Jonah was called to Ninevah.  He didn't want to go. Ninevah was full of immoral and unlawful people, it was full of people who did not know God and did not care to know God.  Jonah didn't like those people and he didn't want to go to save them. And so this morning we were asked where our Ninevah was and if we could remember places it had been in the past.
There are a few obvious ones for me in the past...I certainly didn't want to join the grieving parents group.  I would never have wished that on anyone, I still wouldn't.  I have much to expand here but   I think I will leave it to discuss in my other blog  as it applies more there.  But the fact is I wasn't given a choice and I didn't even know that God was calling me there... to my Ninevah.  And right now I don't know if I am hearing the Ninevah God is calling me to either.  Somedays I think that it could easily be mental health ministry.  God knows how much this has been put on my heart, put in my life.  God knows how in the middle of this I am right now.  But I SUCK at it...so this can't be where God is calling me...can it??? I am afraid of the unknown it brings me to, afraid of the failure that seems to happen over and over and over again.  So this can't be it...right??? How do you know???
The simple answer is prayer.  God will show you if that is the place where you should be.  Want to know how he will show you...he will give you the skills, the strength, the knowledge, the compassion, the empathy, the love and the understanding to be there.  Even when it doesn't seem that way all the time..if it seems like it is EVER working...then God has got your back there...he's called you to this Ninevah and he wants you to stay.  Are you willing?  Will you take up the challenge?
The choice is really yours...free will gives us that ability.  The question is do you want to choose or do you want to be chosen?

Someone in one of the Christian infant loss groups that I belong to shared this video today..

What’s Mine is Yours Lyrics - Katherine Nelson 

Counting down days since nine months last summer
From the baby quilts to the sunshine light-switch cover
All the plans she made
Wall-papered dreams she made for him someday

Doctor hardly glanced her way shut off the monitor
As he walked out the door said “You’re young, there’ll be others”
No sirens or loud screams
No rushing or comforting
It was just over

On the longest road toward home
She parked in the church lot and cried
And said

What’s mine is yours
It’s always been
What slips through my hands has your fingerprints on it
I’m letting go
Remembering
Though Heaven’s doors feel shut they’re wide open
What’s mine is yours

Teenage girl clinging to the gates of mercy
Holding the weight of the world and her newborn baby
Trying her best to be brave
Wrapped in hope giving him away to a longing family

When her courage met their eyes she saw
Somehow her baby was born to be in their arms
And cried

(Chorus)

In this life we come and go and say goodbye
But there’s more than we can see with our own eyes
And when my faith’s a thread-bare blanket and I can’t take it anymore
I remember

What’s mine is yours

I’m letting go
Remembering
Though heaven’s doors feel shut they’re wide open
What’s mine is yours

Wow...what's mine is yours. How often do we forget that in our grief?  How often do we feel that something has been taken from us?  How often do we hold on to that grief as a way to hold on to that loved one?  

Losing a child is horrible.  Losing anyone is horrible but losing a child has a pain that can not be compared to anything.  Your hopes, your dreams, your plans for the future...all shattered.  Today I was reminded of this, once again, as I learned of another little angel who went to be with Jesus this past week.  This wasn't a TTTS baby...it wasn't even a baby.  A young boy of 5, healthy and full of energy one day and sick and then gone the next.  Unbelievable.  I don't know this little boy really.  I knew his sister well... she was a student at the school I worked at when I was pregnant with the twins.  I actually worked in her room that year and I remember Rory being so excited about my belly and telling me that her mommy had just a baby in her belly ... little Sam, who left this world on Tuesday.  I know that the family is devastated and I know that there is so many unanswered questions.  And right now the answer that this child was never truly theirs may not bring comfort but I pray  that one day they will find hope like I have.

Psalm 127:3

3 

Children are a gift from the Lord;
    they are a reward from him.

God gave us all that we have but it is sometimes very easy to forget that all that we have is from him, especially our children.  Children are a gift from God , they are just on loan to us,  they never belonged to us just as we don't belong to this earth.  They are simply here for as long as it takes for their mission to be fulfilled...just as we are only here on this earth until we have fulfilled our mission.  

Letting go and allowing what is his to return to him, leaving us with memories and leaving us with hope.

Romans 14:7-8

⁷ For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. ⁸ If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.

Forgetting and moving forward

Philippians 3:13-14

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹³ No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it,^[a] but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, ¹⁴ I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

This was a big part of our Pastor's sermon on Sunday... as we move into a new year it seems appropriate to leave the past behind and forge ahead.  But more then forging ahead, we need to look forward to what lies ahead, to live for that future that is so promising and fulfilling.  For Christians, we know what lies at the end of your journey... salvation, paradise, eternal life... such an amazing prize indeed! God is calling us there and we must move toward him.

But sometimes it is so hard to leave the past behind. So many times I have thought I was past something, that I had let it go...only to have it come crashing down on me later.  The biggest area that this seems to happen to most of us are the areas that we are most closely connected to emotionally.  The moments that have hurt us, wounded our hearts, moments of anger, distrust/dishonesty and, of course, moments of grief.  

I wish I could say that I have moved past moments of anger and hurt and moved forward in Christ.  But I know that I haven't in some areas, that I have a long way to go in forgetting past hurts.  I have forgiven but somehow I can't forget and admittedly, sometimes I have not forgiven fully either.  I am human and I know that much of this is natural but this reminder from Pastor Jeff was very much needed.  

This past year has brought great healing in my life in regards to my grief.  I feel like I have moved forwards leaps and bounds.  I feel so free from the chains that grief held on to me.  So much of this has happened because of the amazing things that God is putting on my heart and from the gentle push he gives me to seek new books and scriptures and most importantly, from the people he puts in my life.  

Sometimes those are people in my real day to day life.  I have some amazing friends who are just so supportive.  Some of them are those he has given me in my church circle but not all of them are.  One in particular is someone who isn't even sure what she believes and who doesn't ever go to church.  She has given me much to think about and she has given so much support in areas of my life where others seem to judge in, criticize in or simply turn a blind eye to.  

Within my church circle there are people who just listen.  Who don't judge or question my reasons, motives or actions...they just are there for me when I need them.  Some just send me a text or message on days that they know I am struggling, others just seem to know when to call or show up with a diversion, a hug or a surprise of some sort.  I am so very blessed!

But God has also brought some people to my life who I have never met and many, most actually, who I never will.  They have given me strength and hope beyond what I ever thought possible and they have helped me find peace and acceptance.  Some of these friends have done this through their support of my journey...through messages, phone calls, help understanding diagnostic results and reports and their encouragement and support of me as I have worked through my grief.  But their are a great many others that God has put in my life that have helped me to move into the future by allowing me to encourage and support them, to help them find help, support, funding and most of all, hope.  Sadly, as many of you have seen me write about in the past and many who are involved like I am have also experienced, not everyone is open to the support that some of us like to give.  Some people are, sadly, very territorial almost of TTTS and will do just about anything to prevent those whose opinions are different, whose approaches are different, from helping those who need it most.  

And I fit into that category...someone who has different approaches, opinions and views.  This has been a year of much change and therefore much conflict in the TTTS world and it has been a year where I have questioned my involvement over and over, a year where my feelings have been hurt and my heart stepped on a few times.  I have gotten angry at the insensitivity of others, at the disrespect given to others.  I have shown disrespect myself and been personally convicted of it.  I have swallowed my pride (which I know I should not have anyway) and apologized for things I have said and done.  I have been further hurt to have my words of apology twisted, my faith questioned and been spoken of in terms of blasphemy and hypocrite.  I just had this exposed to me in the last few weeks again and discovered that people I had trusted weren't who they appeared to be.  In the fall out of that I found myself in conversation with a sister in Christ who asked me why I thought I was the one that always seemed to be a target.  Without even thinking I replied that it's because the enemy knows my weakness and knows that I hurt when others say things like this about me, that I am easily wounded and question myself and I wear my heart on my sleeve so they all know how hurt I am.  

And so in my reflecting in the days following last Sunday's service and the scripture above I am deciding to move into 2013 with a new resolve.  I will forget the past and what hurt has happened.  I will will look forward to what is ahead, I will forgive and move on, not stopping or even pausing to consider the words of others that are done in disrespect or anger.  I feel very strongly that God has called me to help others, to offer support, to connect those in need with the services that will help and to just simply be there.  I feel this is a gift he has given me and that it brings me closer to him.  I have many areas in my life to press forward with, many things that bring me closer to the prize that is my salvation.  Jesus is with me, he will guide me and I will listen...not getting distracted by the words of the enemy presented by those I mentioned, not getting too caught up in any of the areas of life that separate me from him.  I will pray often for guidance to know what is too much, to where the line needs to be drawn in offering support and still being in the moments of my life that bring glory to him.

To those who are part of the world that, admittedly, sometimes takes up too much of my life, I encourage you to also let go of the past and move on.  Let God guide you to do what is right for you.  Perhaps someone will share this message with those who are on the 'opposite side of the TTTS fence' and maybe some healing, understanding and co-operation can be found.
Happy New Year! May 2013 bring you peace when you are full of unrest, joy when your heart is aching and hope when the light at the end of the tunnel is so hard to see. May you feel God in each moment.

A few days late but... Day 25 - Acceptance

Okay so Christmas got ahold of me and took me away from my computer and my focus on wrapping this up.  With the subject of acceptance I began to research just to see what was 'out there'.  I found this and knew that it contained a wonderful message.

But it just didn't feel like the message I wanted to blog about.
I knew what I wanted to write about but just couldn't find the time to do think about it and get it written. Well that's not exactly true because I have had this subject on my heart for days and thought of little else at times...because it is the hardest to write about.  It's been even heavier on my heart since Sunday night when my newest TTTS mommy friend, a fellow Canadian who I actually met online through a real friend, helped to find support via a facebook group and even financial aid through Fetal Hope, who I spoke to about Dr. Ryan and who, when she met Dr. Ryan spoke about me, who I got to know better as she flew half way across Canada to have surgery and who sent messages back and forth with for many weeks.... running on here I know, please bear with me cuz this is another hard one... when my new TTTS mommy friend suddenly went into labour, was flown to Edmonton and sadly, said hello and goodbye to her boys on Dec. 23.  My heart has ached for her and I have had such a hard time accepting this one.  She has already had late term pregnancy loss in her life and this was her last pregnancy no matter what happened.  So acceptance of what is brought to our lives has been pretty heavy on my heart.
I picked this subject, this gift to end my project before I started as I knew I needed to end on a note of peace but also needed to push myself ahead to accept, even more, what my life is, has become.  I had no idea then what would happen only a few days before the end of the project and no idea how challenging it would be...thus why it took me so many days to write.
The thing about acceptance is that it only comes when we are willing to let it....

 It's not easy to take this key and unlock the door to acceptance.  Willing can be defined as 'Acting or ready to act gladly; eagerly compliant:' and I can promise you that being ready to act gladly about losing your child, being eagerly compliant about saying goodbye is next to impossible for most people and is certainly not something that happens with ease.  I am not sure I ever went willingly but I certainly didn't for a great many years.  I am not sure I am even yet at the willingness stage.  I have accepted that this is my life and can see it for the wonderful life it is...a life that would not be possible without that piece of my heart that belongs to Cole, that piece of my 'babies puzzle' that shows his face with and angelic innocence and peace. But somedays...somedays willingness is not as easy.
When I began to plan what I wanted to write about for acceptance I knew the perfect thing to use.  I had already written about it atleast twice....but little did I know how deeply it would affect me to pull this past post up, watch the video and write about it once again.
The scene that speaks to me most about acceptance is from one of my favourite movies, 'Courageous'.  This scene  is one of the hardest ones for me to watch and rewatch from this movie.  I remember being in those shoes, the shoes of a parent who can't make sense of what God is doing in their life, who does not know how to go forward after losing a child, who feels so confused, angry, bitter and frustrated. It is a process...sometimes a long and painful one. The pastor in Courageous puts it like this....

"Adam there needs to be a grieving process, and the Lords the one who carries you through it. It takes time. It takes time for healing. I've heard many people say who've lost a loved one, that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same. I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord discover a comfort and an intimacy with God that most people never experience.”


This last line is so powerful to me. I remember in the days, weeks and months…okay years after we lost Cole I knew that I was not the same, would never be the same but I slowly began a relationship with the Lord that I didn’t know was possible. I always believed but when I thought about my son sitting in our heavenly Father’s lap, rocking in a chair with Jesus I just felt such comfort. It still took me so very long though to really come to Christ. It’s funny because people will ask my husband and I how long we've been Christians and I just stumble over the answer because it wasn’t like it is for many born again Christians… I didn't confess my sins and invite Him into my life and start from there. I think He was always there, I always knew I had Him in my life. I have spent a lot of time in the last 30 days or so reading and rereading old blog posts and I am shocked, to be honest, at the things I wrote before I was 'born again' in a sense.  I was so close to getting it, to understanding what I needed to do and yet I was so far away too. Before I got pregnant with the twins and took my TTTS journey I  thought I knew God but I had no clue what it meant to really 'know' him.  I think I thought I could do it alone, that I was in control. And I guess in a way I was because I fought Him and his will, I celebrated free will, every chance I got. But when Cole was gone and my heart felt broken I began to look at my life and my faith differently. I knew I needed God in my life but I didn't trust my life to Him I don't think.  But over time it became clearer and clearer and my relationship with Christ began to slowly grow.   I took in bits at a time of a new faith, a new belief, a new relationship with Jesus. And then as I began to explore things in a new church it became crystal clear to me that I needed, desperately, to grow my relationship with God. I felt myself turn to him like he was a friend and I found great comfort in the intimacy of our relationship. 
But having this relationship does not mean that the process becomes easy, it doesn’t mean you don’t question, every single day, why this is your life, why you had to lose, why you have to hurt so bad. Adam’s pastor shares that God “doesn't promise an explanation, but He does promise to walk with us through the pain. And the hard choice for you is whether or not your going to be angry for the time you didn't have..., or grateful for the time that you did have."
I made myself watch this scene twice tonight because I knew that I needed to hear these words...and I needed to cry tonight over the loss of yet another pair of babies to TTTS.  I needed to read the words above and think about this hard choice that I have had to make in order to find acceptance.  Because it is a choice and it is an impossibly hard, at times, choice and it takes such great courage to make that choice to not be angry but to celebrate instead. I dreamed of the things we would have done with our twins, I envisioned all those matching outfits and toys. The dreams of our matching children climbing on a school bus, packing to move to out, graduating from university, standing up as each other’s best friend at their weddings. I had planned so much and then, like my friend Colette, every single thing I planned had been ripped from arms, stolen from my outstretched hands. For both of us, we were so darned close, the dream was within reach... just a few more weeks, a few hundred grams of weight and we would have been safe and clear to deliver safely.  I know  I was so very angry at times. It just seemed so unfair to not have had those dreams come true, to have not made those memories, that time together with my amazing identical twins. I wanted (ok I did) to scream and throw things. I wanted my life back.
But gradually, over time, I became more peaceful. I found hope in the future, in the reuniting I would have with my son. But it wasn’t until I watched the movie Courageous for the second time last winter and was reflecting on many areas of it that I realized that finding that peace and hope was wonderful but it was a peace and hope centered around acceptance of what I had lost. It was never a celebration of joy for what we’d had. 
But what an amazing thing we did have. What an absolute blessing from God. I did this math last winter and I just have to share it again, to show just how blessed by God we were to be part of this unique group... Only 3% of all women have twins. For easy math that’s 30 sets of twins out of 1000 births.  Only 15% of all twin pregnancies are identical… 15% of 3%... hmmmm 15% of 30 is 4.5 out of 1000…though other research says that identicals occur as little as 3 out of 1000 births. That is pretty amazing odds, what a blessed miracle. I am one of so few women to experience the wonderful shock of finding out your body had performed this amazing miracle and split an egg into to two identical little beings. I will never, ever forget those moments….”I have some news for you Mrs. Tummers…there’s two babies in there!!!”. No one can take that moment from me and no one can take the excitement I felt at telling everyone I saw that I was having twins. I didn’t have a lot of time with Cole but I will cherish each and every memory of that time. Each and every ultrasound, each and every flutter and kick. The quick growth my body experienced, the rapid changes. The plans for my babies…what they would wear, where they would sleep, what Halloween costume I’d dress them in. I woke each and every day in wonderment of the miracle that was happening. I remember saying to Geoff atleast once a week…’wow, we’re going to have twins…that is so amazing’. I will cherish the memories of my worries and questions and of the places I turned to for support. But most of all I will cherish the memory of seeing him month after month via ultrasound… kicking, waving, sucking his thumb, hitting and kicking his brother. I will cherish those pictures and I will be forever grateful for the time I had with my son. 
Grief is a journey and that journey has so many twists and turns along the way. I am so very grateful that I have the Lord to lean on as I take this journey and I am so very grateful for all the memories he allowed me to have of the times before grief became a part of everyday life. Moreover, I am so very grateful for the courage He has given me to grieve publicly, to share my heart and soul in hopes that others will find peace, to be able to look back at the whole journey with a smile, a tender heart and great joy. 
Acceptance, for me, is hope, it's joy, it's memories and it's not wishing I could turn back time to change things but rather that I can embrace the memories I have and apply all they've given me to the future

Day 24 - Honour

There are a great many ways to celebrate the gift of honour or honouring.  I decided that I wanted to focus, today on this day before Christmas, on the ways that we honour Cole at Christmas.  I have already shared one way we honour Cole and that is his garden...here's a glimpse and I also posted just a few weeks back of pictures of Cole's stone in candle light.  Yesterday I shared a story about one of those wonderful stones from his garden.
But Christmas is different.  It is so much fresher for me during the holidays.  The day we lost him fell 12 days before Christmas (not the 12 days of Christmas that I ever want to focus on).  I remember driving home from our follow up appointment a week after surgery.  I thought it was the last time I would be at Mt. Sinai (how wrong I was) and though I was filled with sadness at what was lost, I was also filled with joy at the news that Cameron was        
looking very healthy, had a good prognosis.  This mixed sense of feelings, those bittersweet moments were hard and this one left me with a need.  A need to find something to put on our tree in memory of our sweet little angel.  I called my mom to tell her our good news and asked her to find something for us.  Little did I know how hard it would be and how many years I would dedicate to this project and how many people would contribute.  
It would seem that boy angels don't exist...no where could we find a boy tree topper or a boy angel ornament.  We took on a project to put Cole on our tree and this is what we have so far....

A tree topper angel holding a baby boy... just as the angels will hold my baby boy until we are together again.  

Over the years I have had a few sweet friends who have also helped us honour our little boy... 

 Two ornaments from friends. The angels are self explanatory.
The ball has a feather in it and reads
A feather from an angel
Is one we rarely see
But this one is quite different
And as special as can be
This Feather is a reminder
Of a special persons love
Who is now your guardian Angel
Watching and protecting from above

This was the ornament I gave Geoff our first Christmas with Cameron and without Cole...it is hard to consider the first year that he left us as our first Christmas without him since he would not have been here either way. The ornament reads 'Snowflakes are angel kisses from heaven'

Last year I organized an ornament exchange with some other TTTS moms who had lost one of their twins. This was my ornament from my friend Angy

This is the one I got this year from my Canadian TTTS mommy friend, Dianna.

My husband also gave me an ornament our first Christmas without Cole... Just so absolutely perfect for Cole's mommy...

And this page of tributes to honour Cole would not be complete without showing another gift that I received to honour both my boys and their connection.  It's called 'Two Together'...so perfect that a wonderful friend AND a sweet sister in law both gave me these.  I have one set out in our dining room and the other sits with Cole's ashes. 

Day 23 - Compassion

Today I am chosing to focus on compassion.  I could fill the day with stories of compassion that has been shown to me in times of grief.  There are so very many to share.  

I decided to chose to show one story in particular... the story of sign of compassion that was completely unexpected and so heartfelt...by both of us.

One day when Cameron was about 6 months old there was a knock at my door.  I was in the middle of feeding him and having a moment of my own... looking at Cameron when I fed him was often hard for me... seeing him at peace, so calm and so loving often made me miss what I had lost.  

Anyway, I got up to answer the door...trying of course to unlatch the feeding baby and be somewhat discreet.  What greeted me at the door was something that brought instant tears to my eyes and I was filled with such love for the person standing there.  

You see a wonderful neighbour (of sorts... it's a pretty small town so everyone is your neighbour here), actually my hairdresser, stood there with this.....

It was and is the most perfect addition to Cole's garden.  A wonderful to symbol of the care that my baby will always have in the hands of his Father above.  

This gesture was so filled with compassion for obvious reasons but also for others too. 

You see my friend Gerdina is the mom of fraternal twin boys.  She had a hard time getting pregnant with them and was on bedrest and in hospital for part of her pregnancy too.  The week after our loss we were all supposed to go and get our hair cut.  I couldn't do it, I could not handle seeing her and I just hoped she understood.  I asked one of her employees...another neighbour, if she could cut the boys hair at her house and explain to Gerdina why.  I knew she would understand...she's just that kind of person.  

Fast forward about six months.... to the time when we honoured Cole at a memorial service and friends and family brought items for his garden.  In the past when someone on our street lost someone there was a collection taken and often a garden angel was purchased.  That didn't happen for us and I will admit, I was pretty hurt.  It still makes me wonder but I have moved past it.  

And so this gesture of compassion was just so heartfelt to me and I thank my friend for making my day then and making Cole's garden and even more special place. 

Day 22 - Comfort

I am pondered a lot about what to write about when it came to comfort and what a gift it is...and where I get that gift from.  The very first place that comes to mind is home... not where I live now but where I grew up.  There is no place on earth that gives me the same comfort and it's the place I find my mind goes when I am searching for comfort.

I find myself thinking of the song 'The House that Built Me' (click here to listen)

The House that Built Me - Miranda Lambert

I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

When I thought about writing about this song and I remembered that I had done this once already and went back to look at it http://journeytohopeandhealing.blogspot.ca/2010/06/house-that-built-me.html
I thought for sure that I would find that my feelings about home would be the same but that the reason for the blog would have changed a lot.... I was almost entirely wrong!!!  The only thing that seems to have changed is that I am not so sad about Cole, not missing him so much on an average day...the month of December isn't average in case you are wondering.
This opening bit rings true so much
This song speaks to me on so many levels. There are so many days that I want to just go home, crawl into my old bed in my old room and, to be honest, cry. I just want to go back in time before the world got so difficult, so real and so painful. The problem with doing that is that I wouldn't get the experience the immense joy that my life has brought me thus far either. I do feel so broken somedays and I really do think time at home would help with the healing.
Though I do have to admit that I am not feeling so broken but I do know that time at home always helps with the healing of my heart.  It is filled with wonderful memories and wonderful comforts.  
What I really marvelled at was what I wrote, in June of 2010, more then a year before we began to explore the change we needed to make in our faith life, 14 months before I ever stepped foot into my current church, about my need to return to the house of my father who built me...not Heaven but a return to the connections to faith...
But it isn't the only home that I had then...not the only home I have now. I was pondering the words to this song on my way to work this morning and realized that I think there are many times that I think that I've needed to come home to God's house too. But more than that I think that I just need to go back to God sometimes...
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Wow that is so true about my faith, about me in the last 18 months, about me now. I do feel broken and that I need to start healing and that God can help me find myself. I am not sure who I am anymore. I have changed so very much since I lost Cole. For the better I am sure but even if that is the case...it is still so very hard to find me. I know that God will help me find myself, He will touch me, make me feel Him...he'll give me that memory from the house that built me...his house. 
I want so bad, this week in particular, to not feel so broken, so lost, so, even still, angry at the loss of my son. I want to not miss him each and every day, I want to feel whole again and not this broken self who doesn't understand where she fits in. 
So I open myself up to God and his house...help me with the memories of the good times, of the signs of your love, fix this broken me and show me that this has purpose. 

I understand so much more now about my relationship with Jesus and I am so...well comforted...to know that I have found a place to heal that brokenness inside of me and God has helped me...every step of the way.  I am not angry, I am not full of sadness...I am me and it isn't the me from before... but it's a new and better me and I am 'comforted' by the knowledge of this.  

I also know that having the physical house that built me to give me comfort along the way has truly given me the best foundation to build my own house of comfort on.