In the last few weeks I’ve been pondering something and decided to pose a question to some of my online TTTS mommy friends who walk the path of loss of one twin as well. My question is something that I don’t talk about a lot here…or anywhere because it’s one of those things that hurts more then many things in this world of ‘loss of one’. This is what I posted last week….
Does anyone else have a hard time truly feeling like a twin mommy, really feeling like their survivor is a twin?
I just feel some days like this isn't real, like it is a story...someone else's story. I can't truly picture myself with twins most days. When I read the questions of people on twin pregnancy sites (I know...why do I torture myslelf this way) I have a hard time even remembering my pregnancy . Am I alone here????
And not surprisingly I had so many responses of others who felt the same way. It lead to a discussion about how hard it is at times to live in this world where you can see what you have lost each and every day but have no basis for what life could have been like. But it also lead to discussion as to why we feel this way, what aids in this feeling for us.
One of my friends, put in words what I know to be one of the biggest reasons it happens to me….
That's exactly what I feel like. I know I'm a twin mommy, but I don't feel like it. I also believe that no one else views me that way, well most. And that doesn't matter so much, but if they did, it might help me feel like it. Does that make any sense?
And boy, does that make sense…. And I’m sorry to those who are reading this who might be bothered that we would say that about our friends and family but maybe it’s time we put it into words, time we explain why it is so important to us to acknowledge ourselves as twin moms and our survivor as a twin. My friend Debbie hit the nail on the head with her comment that if others acknowledged us as twin mommies and our survivors as twins, as part of a pair, that we, too, might find it easier to acknowledge it in our hearts. We should not have to justify this, we should not have to be having ‘chats’ like these, things should have turned out a different way. But the fact is that it didn’t turn out as planned but it still turned out, life still happened and life does go on.
I know that some people think I talk about Cole too much, talk about my pregnancy and what happened too much, talk about Cameron and Cole’s connection, their twinness too often. I know this because I’ve been told this, sometimes in gentle kindness, sometimes not as gentle but always with concern about me and my grief. I’ve been given that compassionate “I’m so sorry for your loss” look. And that is great…well it’s not, I wish no one had to give me that look or comments but it is nice that people acknowledge our journey, our loss, with compassion. But this isn’t about loss, it isn’t about grieving. Sure, I’ll never truly be done with grief. There will always be moments when I am sad that my son is not here with me, always be moments when I wish things we different. Things will trigger this forever…this past week it was talking about when Cameron starts school. But this is not about grief. It’s not about moving on ‘past what happened’. Because the fact is that it did happen and ‘it’ stares us in the face each morning. ‘It’ gives us hugs, tell us ‘It’ loves us, reminds us daily how amazing ‘It’ is. Talking about the connections twins have, that MY twins have is not living in the past nor is it part of the grieving process. It is not about whether I am grieving well or not.
It has little to do with grief and a whole lot to so with celebrating this amazing gift God has given me. Sometimes I think people think it is easier to not mention Cole’s name. This is not true, I love to hear his name, love to acknowledge his life and all that it has given me. I have been told many times to focus on the life of Cameron and trust me, I do. I know he is a miracle, I know he is a very special little boy. But I also know that talking about him as a twin, talking about Cole is not grief talking, it’s so not that.
Imagine, if you will, that you were born in Canada, grew up here and moved to say, Japan, when you were an adult. Would you say you were Japanese? Of course not, you are Canadian and always will be. Imagine one of your children did the same thing…moved to Japan when they were an adult. Would you say you had a child who was Japanese? Of course not.
Twins share a bond that goes beyond what any siblings can have. They begin together from the moment of conception, they are the first friends the other has. They are connected for life….but then life stopped for one of them. Does this mean the connection stopped? Did this life simply no longer exist? Of course not! So why should we act like it did. Most mothers connect with their baby while the child grows inside of them. But when it’s two babies (or more) growing inside of you it is, well magical. I was always in such awe of this egg splitting miracle that happened in my body. I felt such a connection to those little miracle beings.
It doesn’t make me not a twin mom because my child died and it doesn’t make my child not a twin just because his twin went to heaven first. If he’d lived 45 years and then died we would still say he was Cameron’s twin. We would still say I am the mom of twins. We’d just have a whole lot more cool memories to share.
So let me have those moments of twin mommy-ness, let me share my memories and savour the moments of one the coolest times of my life. It doesn’t make me sad, it doesn’t even really hurt that much. It makes me proud and honoured.
And just cuz I often do, I have to post a scripture that captured my heart on this one…
2 Corinthians 4:18(NIV)
18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
The good book always has the answers.
Cole may not be seen but he is eternally my child, eternally Cameron’s twin.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
I can only imagine how awesome it will be...
I had the most AWESOME experience this morning and I just had to share with everyone. I was out jogging…. Oh, I should explain that too…. So I’ve started this journey to be healthier, fitter, thinner, more active…you name, I want it!!! Back a few months ago I was working, well re-working, through a book called Thin Within. I may have mentioned last fall, not sure. It’s a grace approach to weigh loss and I learned so much from it, realized so much about myself and why I eat, why I feel the way I do about myself. So a few months ago I decided to redo the book, reset some goals. I had a ‘Holy Spirit moment’ while I was doing it and ended up writing this as a goal…”I will become more active, more intense in my workouts and build my strength and endurance so that I can begin to run in a few months. I will be learning to run so that I can bring ‘The Race for Fetal Hope’ to Toronto and run in it’. Now to anyone who knows me, and even those who don’t you may think ‘that is one crazy thing for Jodie to write’… I hated running, made fun of runners and wondered why anyone would ever chose that as a form of exercise. I was absolutely convicted by the Holy Spirit to write this…and to do this. I’ve never had a more intense feeling of being directed by the Lord til then….it happend again this weekend…but that is a blog post for another day. So now you know why I was jogging… I’m at day 3 of couch to 5k and actually did ok with it today. While I run/walk, I listen to worship music and today, just at the very end of my walk in the gorgeous sunshine on God’s glorious earth (it was already a very spiritual moment…I felt so close to the Lord, so connected) I heard this song. I’ve heard it before but I’ve never, ever felt the connected I did to it as I did today. I’ll share some of the words before I comment as to why this was so very awesome…
I Can Only Imagine lyrics
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the sun
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I listened to this with what I can only define as rapture. I could picture it, or I guess I could imagine it. I could see myself meeting Jesus, I could see his smile, I could see the radiant light around him. I could imagine all of the things that this songs speaks to… dancing for Jesus with my arms spread wide and open, spinning in the radiant light of him. Staring at him in awe and wonderment, still and focused. Standing up straight and tall like we do for anything we show pride for, like we do when our national anthem is played… standing up to honour him, to show him how proud I am (okay bad word since pride is a sin but you get my drift) that he gave it all for me and that I am here with him now because he took away all my sin by dying on the cross and only asked that I believe he is my saviour and lived my life for him. Falling to my knees in complete obedience and honour of him, falling to my knees in adoration, love and reverence and in sheer amazement to just be in his presence. Singing to him all the words of glory that I can think of, singing the words of worship songs that my heart sings with these days. Silently sitting as his feet completely unable to speak because no words seem worthy of him, no words seem enough to express my absolute love of him. But more than these intense feelings was a feeling of ‘that’s it, that’s what I didn’t have before, that’s what I didn’t get”. For the first time, EVER…heaven became a place for me and Jesus, a place of glory, of love and reverence and a place that is all about the Lord and how wonderful he is and how awesome it is that my life has been lived in such a way that I am there. For the first time EVER it was not about Cole. It was not about getting there so I could see him again, living my life as a Christian so that I will be with my son in eternity. Cole is just a wonderful added bonus but it’s not the first thing I’ll see, the reason I am there or the most amazing thing I can have in heaven. That is Jesus and wow…what an awesome feeling it is to think that Heaven and Jesus are just that absolutely AWESOME!!! Thanks for letting me share this moment of rapture. What an awesome day it has been!!!
I Can Only Imagine lyrics
I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the sun
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I listened to this with what I can only define as rapture. I could picture it, or I guess I could imagine it. I could see myself meeting Jesus, I could see his smile, I could see the radiant light around him. I could imagine all of the things that this songs speaks to… dancing for Jesus with my arms spread wide and open, spinning in the radiant light of him. Staring at him in awe and wonderment, still and focused. Standing up straight and tall like we do for anything we show pride for, like we do when our national anthem is played… standing up to honour him, to show him how proud I am (okay bad word since pride is a sin but you get my drift) that he gave it all for me and that I am here with him now because he took away all my sin by dying on the cross and only asked that I believe he is my saviour and lived my life for him. Falling to my knees in complete obedience and honour of him, falling to my knees in adoration, love and reverence and in sheer amazement to just be in his presence. Singing to him all the words of glory that I can think of, singing the words of worship songs that my heart sings with these days. Silently sitting as his feet completely unable to speak because no words seem worthy of him, no words seem enough to express my absolute love of him. But more than these intense feelings was a feeling of ‘that’s it, that’s what I didn’t have before, that’s what I didn’t get”. For the first time, EVER…heaven became a place for me and Jesus, a place of glory, of love and reverence and a place that is all about the Lord and how wonderful he is and how awesome it is that my life has been lived in such a way that I am there. For the first time EVER it was not about Cole. It was not about getting there so I could see him again, living my life as a Christian so that I will be with my son in eternity. Cole is just a wonderful added bonus but it’s not the first thing I’ll see, the reason I am there or the most amazing thing I can have in heaven. That is Jesus and wow…what an awesome feeling it is to think that Heaven and Jesus are just that absolutely AWESOME!!! Thanks for letting me share this moment of rapture. What an awesome day it has been!!!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Courageous Part 6 – Closing Moments, Words to live by….
I am still so captured by this movie but need wrap up my posts on it and move on to writing again…. So pray that I am not posting much in the next little while as it means that I have gone back to the writing board so to speak…and get this book going again.
The very last scene of the book is so very moving. It is the final chapter on how God wants fathers (and in my mind, mothers in a similar but not identical manner) to parent their children. Before I provide the link to watch it I want to post some of the script and comment…because the visual needs to be the last thing to look at from my blog today, it needs to be what makes the hairs stand up on your arms and what motivates you to say ‘I will’….
"I've seen first hand the deep hurt and devastation that fatherlessness brings in a child's life. Prisons are full of men and women who loved recklessly after being abandoned by their fathers. Wounded by the men who should have loved them the most. Many now follow the same pattern of irresponsibility that their fathers did. While so many mothers have sacrificed to help their children survive.. They were never intended to carry the weight alone. We thank God for them. Research is proving that a child also desperately needs a daddy. There's no way around this fact!"
For so many families this is the case… Mother’s do everything for their kids, mentor them, encourage and lead them, teach them morals and standards to live by…ensure that they know what they need to in order to survive. And father’s provide for their family. They look after the money, they bring it in, they decide how to spend it, they see the need for more and work harder, longer to provide more and more…all the while, they miss out on their kids best years.
I believe that God desires every father to courageously step up and do whatever it takes to be involved in the lives of his children. More than just being there or providing for them he's to walk with them through their lives and be a visual representation of the character of God, their Father in Heaven. A father should love his children and seek to win their hearts. He should protect them, discipline them, and teach them about God. He should model how to walk with integrity and treat others with respect and should call out his children to become responsible men and women who live their lives for what matters in eternity. Some men will hear this and mock it or ignore it. But I tell you as a father, you are accountable to God for the position of influence he has given you. You can not fall asleep at the wheel only to wake up one day and realize that your job or hobbies have no eternal value, but the souls of your children do!
We are responsible for our children, we are held accountable. Often in society we hear this when we talk about young offenders and the consequences for their actions being put, to some extent, on their parents. But that is not even remotely the accountability that we should be worried about. God is a much more powerful judge than one in court and His judgement of us is much more important than anything in this world.
Some men will hear this and agree with it, but have no resolve to live it out. Instead, they will live for themselves and waste the opportunity to leave a godly legacy for the next generation. But there are some men who, regardless of the mistakes we've made in the past, regardless of what our fathers did not do for us, will give the strength of our arms and the rest of our days to loving God and to teach our children to do the same and whenever possible to love and mentor others who have no fathers in their lives, but who desperately need help and direction."
We are inviting any man whose heart is willing and courageous to join us in this resolution.
In my home, the decision has already been made.
You don’t have to ask who will guide my family, because by God’s grace, I will.
You don’t have to ask who will teach my son to follow Christ, because l will.
Who will accept the responsibility of providing and protecting my family? I will.
Who will ask God to break the chain of destructive patterns in my family’s history? I will.
Who will pray for and bless my children to boldly pursue whatever God calls them to do?
I am their father. l will.
And I am their mother, I am his wife and I will…I will be there to support him, to encourage him, to respect and honour him. I will encourage him when he’s feeling beaten, I will lift him up with words of reassurance. I will be a model for my boys to live by, I will show them how to treat a woman by being an honouring mother and wife and working with my husband, not against. I will do this, I will.
I accept this responsibility, and it is my privilege to embrace it.
I want the favor of God and his blessing on my home.
Any good man does.
So where are you, men of courage?
Where are you, fathers who fear the Lord?
It’s time to rise up and answer the call that God has given to you and to say, “I will. I will. I will.”
To Sherwood Pictures, the production company who created “Courageous,” ( a ministry of the Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Ga… all church scenes in all of their movies are actually shot in their chuch and many of the actors are members of the congregation) I say thank you for bringing this much needed film into the homes of many Christians and non-Christians and for encouraging all parents to say ‘I will”
And finally….here’s the final scene….
The very last scene of the book is so very moving. It is the final chapter on how God wants fathers (and in my mind, mothers in a similar but not identical manner) to parent their children. Before I provide the link to watch it I want to post some of the script and comment…because the visual needs to be the last thing to look at from my blog today, it needs to be what makes the hairs stand up on your arms and what motivates you to say ‘I will’….
"I've seen first hand the deep hurt and devastation that fatherlessness brings in a child's life. Prisons are full of men and women who loved recklessly after being abandoned by their fathers. Wounded by the men who should have loved them the most. Many now follow the same pattern of irresponsibility that their fathers did. While so many mothers have sacrificed to help their children survive.. They were never intended to carry the weight alone. We thank God for them. Research is proving that a child also desperately needs a daddy. There's no way around this fact!"
For so many families this is the case… Mother’s do everything for their kids, mentor them, encourage and lead them, teach them morals and standards to live by…ensure that they know what they need to in order to survive. And father’s provide for their family. They look after the money, they bring it in, they decide how to spend it, they see the need for more and work harder, longer to provide more and more…all the while, they miss out on their kids best years.
I believe that God desires every father to courageously step up and do whatever it takes to be involved in the lives of his children. More than just being there or providing for them he's to walk with them through their lives and be a visual representation of the character of God, their Father in Heaven. A father should love his children and seek to win their hearts. He should protect them, discipline them, and teach them about God. He should model how to walk with integrity and treat others with respect and should call out his children to become responsible men and women who live their lives for what matters in eternity. Some men will hear this and mock it or ignore it. But I tell you as a father, you are accountable to God for the position of influence he has given you. You can not fall asleep at the wheel only to wake up one day and realize that your job or hobbies have no eternal value, but the souls of your children do!
We are responsible for our children, we are held accountable. Often in society we hear this when we talk about young offenders and the consequences for their actions being put, to some extent, on their parents. But that is not even remotely the accountability that we should be worried about. God is a much more powerful judge than one in court and His judgement of us is much more important than anything in this world.
Some men will hear this and agree with it, but have no resolve to live it out. Instead, they will live for themselves and waste the opportunity to leave a godly legacy for the next generation. But there are some men who, regardless of the mistakes we've made in the past, regardless of what our fathers did not do for us, will give the strength of our arms and the rest of our days to loving God and to teach our children to do the same and whenever possible to love and mentor others who have no fathers in their lives, but who desperately need help and direction."
We are inviting any man whose heart is willing and courageous to join us in this resolution.
In my home, the decision has already been made.
You don’t have to ask who will guide my family, because by God’s grace, I will.
You don’t have to ask who will teach my son to follow Christ, because l will.
Who will accept the responsibility of providing and protecting my family? I will.
Who will ask God to break the chain of destructive patterns in my family’s history? I will.
Who will pray for and bless my children to boldly pursue whatever God calls them to do?
I am their father. l will.
And I am their mother, I am his wife and I will…I will be there to support him, to encourage him, to respect and honour him. I will encourage him when he’s feeling beaten, I will lift him up with words of reassurance. I will be a model for my boys to live by, I will show them how to treat a woman by being an honouring mother and wife and working with my husband, not against. I will do this, I will.
I accept this responsibility, and it is my privilege to embrace it.
I want the favor of God and his blessing on my home.
Any good man does.
So where are you, men of courage?
Where are you, fathers who fear the Lord?
It’s time to rise up and answer the call that God has given to you and to say, “I will. I will. I will.”
To Sherwood Pictures, the production company who created “Courageous,” ( a ministry of the Sherwood Baptist Church in Albany, Ga… all church scenes in all of their movies are actually shot in their chuch and many of the actors are members of the congregation) I say thank you for bringing this much needed film into the homes of many Christians and non-Christians and for encouraging all parents to say ‘I will”
And finally….here’s the final scene….
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
What an Easter, what a new life
HE IS RISEN!!! What a wonderful phrase for a truly awesome day! How blessed we are to celebrate such an amazing miracle, such an amazing sign of hope.
Matthew 28:5-7 (NIV)
5 The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6 He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. 7 Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.”
I have never, ever appreciated Easter like I did this year. Jesus’ sacrifice for my sins was no longer lost on me. It was no longer just the Easter story but instead it was ‘wow, He did this for ME!’. And what made it even more amazing was that I celebrated it in the most amazing, fitting way... my own baptism. Like Jesus took our sins away as he died and then rose again, I died to the old me as I entered the water and was born again and rose to the new me, the one that follows Christ.
I decided to share some of our service with you in various ways today. Firstly through some notes from our pastor’s sermon, some ‘instructions’ so to speak, on becoming a Christian. Then I will share the ‘long’ version of my testimony (you know me, I’m long winded so it got cut down...a lot...to fit the time in the service) and then there is a peak (both a visual and auditory look) into our service.
Pastor Jeff spent a portion of his sermon trying to explain by baptism is a natural, and so very misunderstood at times, part of becoming a born again Christian. A mnemonic device (ohhh such big words Jodie) he used was BORFT.
B – Believe... that’s it, that’s all...just believe that Christ came and died for you, for your sins.
Acts 16:31(NIV) 31 They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved—you and your household.”
It doesn’t need to be confusing...just simply believe, as the bible tells us to, that we need to be believe and be baptized so that we are saved...
Mark 16:16(NIV)
16 Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.
O – Obey… first of all this isn’t just about all the rules you HAVE to follow…Jesus wasn’t full of rules. The most important rule the relates to baptism occurred when before Jesus ascended to the Father. He said…
Matthew 28:19-20 (NIV)
19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
Baptism is a simple act of obedience…you believe in Jesus, believe He came to set us free…so just be baptized. Our church believes in adult (or older youth) baptisms for this reason…because when you are an infant it is pretty hard to obey or disobey, hard to believe or disbelieve. Jesus said to obey Him, Jesus said to be baptized…so we do it.
R – Repent – we all sin, we all make mistakes, do things that are not ‘right’. No sin is unforgiveable and no one is guiltless.
Romans 3:23 (NIV)
23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
All we have to do is confess our sins and ask Jesus to forgive us and our slate is wiped clean.
1 John 1:9 (NLT)
9 But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.
F- Follow…just follow Jesus…follow His teachings.
Mark 1:17 (NIV)
17 “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”
As Pastor Jeff said, ‘we make this so complicated, full of rules. Jesus wasn’t full of rules and did not expect us to be perfect. We simply need to follow’. Now this doesn’t mean that you can just do whatever you want, act in whatever manner you want…that there is no ‘expectation’. There is and the idea is that someone who follows Christ should eventually begin to ‘look like Christ’, should have the characteristics of Christ.
T – tell… tell the world your story of how you came to Christ, what has Jesus done in your life. Give your testimony to others…believers, non-believers and those in between. And baptism is the ultimate in that telling…’it is a symbolic testimony, an outward proclamation of what has happened in the hearts and the life of somebody. Like the wedding ring is a symbol of your commitment to your spouse, a baptism is a symbol of your commitment to Christ, it is a covenant between God and His children.’ And like a marriage is a public event for others to see that commitment that a couple has, a baptism is a public event for others to hear what Christ has done in your life and to see the commitment you have made.
And so hear is my testimony.. in full….
My name is Jodie Tummers and I live in Monkton. I grew up a church going family, we were very active in our church but I think you could have called me a fan of religion not a follower of Christ. I attended weekly,even taught Sunday school, but wonder now where I really was as I seem to have had no bible knowledge beyond common scripture, no ablilty to apply that anywhere, no basis for the purpose of prayer, no idea what I really should be doing. I am thinking I was there but just really not opening my eyes, ears and heart to what I was hearing because I’ve been working in Catholic Education all my adult life and had no real base from that either.
My Christian journey really being in 2008 when my husband and I found out we were expecting twins. I’ll admit, I questioned God on that one…we were just barely getting back on our feet financially and struggled to be respectful and loving spouses and parents. About 3-4 weeks after I was finally at peace with it and growing both in size and excitement, tragedy struck. Our identical twins developed complications and within hours I was in Toronto and admitted for surgery. I prayed that night with a passion I had no idea I had. I asked God to keep my boys safe, to heal them and bring them into this world healthy. 36 hours later one of our identical sons, Cole, was gone and our survivor, Cameron, was very ill.
I was devastated, shattered and angry. I remember asking God ‘if I was only meant to bring one baby home from the hospital then why on Earth was I pregnant with twins in the first place?’ And yet I never really felt much anger at God... just a sense of being held up by Him. I’m pretty sure that this was a turning point in my faith journey but I will admit, it took me a great many months, well years really, to be in a place where I really felt like I was a Christian, where I felt like I had accepted Jesus as my saviour. I spent months away from the rest of my family, trying to remain pregnant with Cameron so that he’d be born healthy and found it so hard to pray. I felt like the last time I prayed it didn’t go in my favour and I didn’t want that to happen again because I didn’t want to have any reason to question my slowly growing faith in God.
While I was away I had many wonderful people who prayed for me and I received such strength in those words that were shared with me. My best friend, Charlotte, lived (well still lives) in Arizona and she would send me the most amazing messages of strength, of what she felt she was witnessing in me and of what she knew God to be doing. Although I appreciated it all, learning to trust God and to accept Jesus into my heart did not begin at all really until a few months after my survivor and angel were born... as I planned the service to say goodbye to our little boy. I read a book by a woman named Jenny Hander, likely the first person to really influence my faith journey. What really hit home for me then was her writing about needing to let one of her twins go, to accept her death and the survival of her twin sister as part of God’s plan. She was a woman of immense faith, a strong Christian and yet she struggled to say goodbye to her daughter, to stop praying for God to return her to be with her family. Her final acceptance came when she was finally able to find peace, comfort and hope in the loss of her daughter because she knew that , by following the teachings of Jesus, by being the strong Christian that she was, she would see her daughter in Heaven. This was God’s plan for her and it was ok... she would see her little girl again. And suddenly I became so very fearful that I would not see my son again, that I was not doing a good job and my place in Heaven was, by no mean, secure.
That day I knelt down and I prayed and begged Jesus to forgive me for all my sins, most especially what my struggles to accept and grieve were doing to my family, to my children. I knew nothing about what it meant to come to Christ but I think that was the first day of the rest of my life so to speak….but it was a very slow start, slow growth. As time went on I began to turn to God more in prayer, work through my grief prayerfully and through scripture. Did I mention it was a very slow journey??? I started blogging my journey and exploring how I felt...who I was angry with, the guilt I felt, how hard it was to fully put my trust in God. I shared this blog with others and participated in a few online support groups and slowly...painfully so, my life began to feel like my own, my new normal began to feel like something I could live with. Others, mostly those who I met online or those that read my blog, either supported me or found support in me and I began to feel my strength building but still something, a focus maybe, was missing.
A crisis in my marriage lead me to growing this faith with my husband which lead me to LEMC last July. The very first service we attended Pastor Rob spoke on the first book of James. What a great, but tough, book to hear given where my life had been in the last 2.5 years. I think one of my favourite scriptures is
James 1:2-42 Dear brothers and sisters,[a] when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
and given the trials that we’ve had even since coming to LEMC it seems like one of many perfect scriptures for me to live my life by. Within a few weeks of coming here I knew that I was ‘home’…I was where I needed to be and I was ready to make a full commitment to Jesus.
Since then I have found an amazing sense of peace about losing Cole and an amazing sense of purpose for his life and his death. I feel very certain that I needed to experience the joys of twins and the loss of twin dreams, the loss of a child, in order to be able to be who God wants me to be. I have already seen, even prior to coming to Christ fully, that my faith, my certainty that there is a heaven and a great purpose to all things in life, has impacted others who did not know Christ and it has just continued in volumes since then. Since beginning my relationship with Jesus I have just found that I have such a clarity about some the areas of life that I really struggled with and even more so, a sense of assurance of the provisions of God. I feel that God and Cole guide me to share my faith and my support with others who have taken the same ‘twin’ journey we have.
For me, baptism is just the next step to take, the way I can show that I am committed. It’s time for me to die to my old self and rise to the new me, the one that follows Christ… and I thank my wonderful friend Miriam for those words and the guidance and support that she and her husband Perry have given us to bring us here today. I also want to thank my brother, Jason and my best friend Charlotte and her husband Kerry for the mentors in Christ that they have become for us.
You can actually hear it if you go to this website….go to Easter Sunday Service and then push the play bar that comes up to 29:20 through to 24:15
And just a few visuals for you….
The serene, before look... dying to the old, self lead me
The drowned rat new me... living for Christ and loving every minute of it (except for the water up my nose!!!)
Thanks for reading, for listening, for praying and for taking anything you are able to, away from my testimony.
Matthew 28:5-7 (NIV)
5 The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. 6 He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. 7 Then go quickly and tell his disciples: ‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.’ Now I have told you.”
I have never, ever appreciated Easter like I did this year. Jesus’ sacrifice for my sins was no longer lost on me. It was no longer just the Easter story but instead it was ‘wow, He did this for ME!’. And what made it even more amazing was that I celebrated it in the most amazing, fitting way... my own baptism. Like Jesus took our sins away as he died and then rose again, I died to the old me as I entered the water and was born again and rose to the new me, the one that follows Christ.
I decided to share some of our service with you in various ways today. Firstly through some notes from our pastor’s sermon, some ‘instructions’ so to speak, on becoming a Christian. Then I will share the ‘long’ version of my testimony (you know me, I’m long winded so it got cut down...a lot...to fit the time in the service) and then there is a peak (both a visual and auditory look) into our service.
Pastor Jeff spent a portion of his sermon trying to explain by baptism is a natural, and so very misunderstood at times, part of becoming a born again Christian. A mnemonic device (ohhh such big words Jodie) he used was BORFT.
B – Believe... that’s it, that’s all...just believe that Christ came and died for you, for your sins.
Acts 16:31(NIV) 31 They replied, “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved—you and your household.”
It doesn’t need to be confusing...just simply believe, as the bible tells us to, that we need to be believe and be baptized so that we are saved...
Mark 16:16(NIV)
16 Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned.
O – Obey… first of all this isn’t just about all the rules you HAVE to follow…Jesus wasn’t full of rules. The most important rule the relates to baptism occurred when before Jesus ascended to the Father. He said…
Matthew 28:19-20 (NIV)
19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
Baptism is a simple act of obedience…you believe in Jesus, believe He came to set us free…so just be baptized. Our church believes in adult (or older youth) baptisms for this reason…because when you are an infant it is pretty hard to obey or disobey, hard to believe or disbelieve. Jesus said to obey Him, Jesus said to be baptized…so we do it.
R – Repent – we all sin, we all make mistakes, do things that are not ‘right’. No sin is unforgiveable and no one is guiltless.
Romans 3:23 (NIV)
23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
All we have to do is confess our sins and ask Jesus to forgive us and our slate is wiped clean.
1 John 1:9 (NLT)
9 But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.
F- Follow…just follow Jesus…follow His teachings.
Mark 1:17 (NIV)
17 “Come, follow me,” Jesus said, “and I will make you fishers of men.”
As Pastor Jeff said, ‘we make this so complicated, full of rules. Jesus wasn’t full of rules and did not expect us to be perfect. We simply need to follow’. Now this doesn’t mean that you can just do whatever you want, act in whatever manner you want…that there is no ‘expectation’. There is and the idea is that someone who follows Christ should eventually begin to ‘look like Christ’, should have the characteristics of Christ.
T – tell… tell the world your story of how you came to Christ, what has Jesus done in your life. Give your testimony to others…believers, non-believers and those in between. And baptism is the ultimate in that telling…’it is a symbolic testimony, an outward proclamation of what has happened in the hearts and the life of somebody. Like the wedding ring is a symbol of your commitment to your spouse, a baptism is a symbol of your commitment to Christ, it is a covenant between God and His children.’ And like a marriage is a public event for others to see that commitment that a couple has, a baptism is a public event for others to hear what Christ has done in your life and to see the commitment you have made.
And so hear is my testimony.. in full….
My name is Jodie Tummers and I live in Monkton. I grew up a church going family, we were very active in our church but I think you could have called me a fan of religion not a follower of Christ. I attended weekly,even taught Sunday school, but wonder now where I really was as I seem to have had no bible knowledge beyond common scripture, no ablilty to apply that anywhere, no basis for the purpose of prayer, no idea what I really should be doing. I am thinking I was there but just really not opening my eyes, ears and heart to what I was hearing because I’ve been working in Catholic Education all my adult life and had no real base from that either.
My Christian journey really being in 2008 when my husband and I found out we were expecting twins. I’ll admit, I questioned God on that one…we were just barely getting back on our feet financially and struggled to be respectful and loving spouses and parents. About 3-4 weeks after I was finally at peace with it and growing both in size and excitement, tragedy struck. Our identical twins developed complications and within hours I was in Toronto and admitted for surgery. I prayed that night with a passion I had no idea I had. I asked God to keep my boys safe, to heal them and bring them into this world healthy. 36 hours later one of our identical sons, Cole, was gone and our survivor, Cameron, was very ill.
I was devastated, shattered and angry. I remember asking God ‘if I was only meant to bring one baby home from the hospital then why on Earth was I pregnant with twins in the first place?’ And yet I never really felt much anger at God... just a sense of being held up by Him. I’m pretty sure that this was a turning point in my faith journey but I will admit, it took me a great many months, well years really, to be in a place where I really felt like I was a Christian, where I felt like I had accepted Jesus as my saviour. I spent months away from the rest of my family, trying to remain pregnant with Cameron so that he’d be born healthy and found it so hard to pray. I felt like the last time I prayed it didn’t go in my favour and I didn’t want that to happen again because I didn’t want to have any reason to question my slowly growing faith in God.
While I was away I had many wonderful people who prayed for me and I received such strength in those words that were shared with me. My best friend, Charlotte, lived (well still lives) in Arizona and she would send me the most amazing messages of strength, of what she felt she was witnessing in me and of what she knew God to be doing. Although I appreciated it all, learning to trust God and to accept Jesus into my heart did not begin at all really until a few months after my survivor and angel were born... as I planned the service to say goodbye to our little boy. I read a book by a woman named Jenny Hander, likely the first person to really influence my faith journey. What really hit home for me then was her writing about needing to let one of her twins go, to accept her death and the survival of her twin sister as part of God’s plan. She was a woman of immense faith, a strong Christian and yet she struggled to say goodbye to her daughter, to stop praying for God to return her to be with her family. Her final acceptance came when she was finally able to find peace, comfort and hope in the loss of her daughter because she knew that , by following the teachings of Jesus, by being the strong Christian that she was, she would see her daughter in Heaven. This was God’s plan for her and it was ok... she would see her little girl again. And suddenly I became so very fearful that I would not see my son again, that I was not doing a good job and my place in Heaven was, by no mean, secure.
That day I knelt down and I prayed and begged Jesus to forgive me for all my sins, most especially what my struggles to accept and grieve were doing to my family, to my children. I knew nothing about what it meant to come to Christ but I think that was the first day of the rest of my life so to speak….but it was a very slow start, slow growth. As time went on I began to turn to God more in prayer, work through my grief prayerfully and through scripture. Did I mention it was a very slow journey??? I started blogging my journey and exploring how I felt...who I was angry with, the guilt I felt, how hard it was to fully put my trust in God. I shared this blog with others and participated in a few online support groups and slowly...painfully so, my life began to feel like my own, my new normal began to feel like something I could live with. Others, mostly those who I met online or those that read my blog, either supported me or found support in me and I began to feel my strength building but still something, a focus maybe, was missing.
A crisis in my marriage lead me to growing this faith with my husband which lead me to LEMC last July. The very first service we attended Pastor Rob spoke on the first book of James. What a great, but tough, book to hear given where my life had been in the last 2.5 years. I think one of my favourite scriptures is
James 1:2-42 Dear brothers and sisters,[a] when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.
and given the trials that we’ve had even since coming to LEMC it seems like one of many perfect scriptures for me to live my life by. Within a few weeks of coming here I knew that I was ‘home’…I was where I needed to be and I was ready to make a full commitment to Jesus.
Since then I have found an amazing sense of peace about losing Cole and an amazing sense of purpose for his life and his death. I feel very certain that I needed to experience the joys of twins and the loss of twin dreams, the loss of a child, in order to be able to be who God wants me to be. I have already seen, even prior to coming to Christ fully, that my faith, my certainty that there is a heaven and a great purpose to all things in life, has impacted others who did not know Christ and it has just continued in volumes since then. Since beginning my relationship with Jesus I have just found that I have such a clarity about some the areas of life that I really struggled with and even more so, a sense of assurance of the provisions of God. I feel that God and Cole guide me to share my faith and my support with others who have taken the same ‘twin’ journey we have.
For me, baptism is just the next step to take, the way I can show that I am committed. It’s time for me to die to my old self and rise to the new me, the one that follows Christ… and I thank my wonderful friend Miriam for those words and the guidance and support that she and her husband Perry have given us to bring us here today. I also want to thank my brother, Jason and my best friend Charlotte and her husband Kerry for the mentors in Christ that they have become for us.
You can actually hear it if you go to this website….go to Easter Sunday Service and then push the play bar that comes up to 29:20 through to 24:15
And just a few visuals for you….
Thanks for reading, for listening, for praying and for taking anything you are able to, away from my testimony.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Courgeous Part 5.... What's holding you back????
As I have said many times in the last few months, my faith changed and grew from where it was 3 years ago but in the last 6-8 months it has exploded into something so… well all encompassing. Now that’s not to say that it has encompassed my entire being, my whole existence. It too has been a gradual change, a gradual increase of faith knowledge that has lead to changes in my everyday life. I look back at the previous 30+ years of my life and I wonder where I was. How did I miss so many things at church? How did I not understand what I heard? How could I not have gotten even the basics that the bible teaches? I really have no answer except that maybe we just hear what we want to hear.
The greatest amount of change has come in the area of what I consider sin, what I feel sinning is, how God views it and who does it. The answer to the last one…EVERYONE!!! The answer to the first one… a vast number of things that we do each and every day. And when I first began to explore the ‘mistakes and sins’ that we all make I felt so very overwhelmed. I didn’t understand how everyone could sin and still make it to the kingdom of God. So much of what I grew up to believe hinged on ‘being good and doing good’ as a means to get there. It was just kind of an assumed thing. And when I realized that wasn’t how it worked I was overwhelmed with questions. I wish I’d seen this scene, really focused on this message from the character Nathan in Courageous. He gives such a good explanation.
"Let me break it to you this way, you are guilty. Listen, one day you, me, and every one of us are gonna have to stand before God, and he's gonna do what good judges do."
Now if I stopped here I’d be stuck where I was above because I’d be so concerned with what happens every day in our lives that I’d be so very afraid to stand before God. So afraid, in fact, that I figured almost impossible. This scripture confused me.
Luke 13:23-24 NLT)
23 Someone asked him, “Lord, will only a few be saved?”
He replied, 24 “Work hard to enter the narrow door to God’s Kingdom, for many will try to enter but will fail"
I felt it was telling me that very, very few Christians would make it to heaven. And I think that sometimes this is emphasized too much, it is presented too strongly. What I’ve come to realize is that very few people are Christians…thus why Jesus told us to work hard to enter the narrow path…the path less travelled, the path filled with ruts, ravines, mountains and roadblocks. Also the path that so many don’t choose to take or that as you waiver in taking it you will be bombarded with reasons not to, influences so strong it may seem easier to not take that path. It will be hard but having perseverance will enable you to continue on that path. Many people will try to enter…by thinking that attending church once a week, or less often, by giving to charity, offering their help to others, being kind, honest, considerate etc. They believe that is what it takes. But it takes all those things and so much more. God will judge you on your day but he doesn’t require us to be perfect to pass that judgement….
Nathan Hayes: "Ok. Suppose she (your mom) was brutally attacked, and murdered in a parking lot. The guy was caught and put on trial. They guy says hey judge, I've committed this crime, but I've done a lot of good in my life. If the judge let him go free, would you say he was a good judge or a bad judge?" ..."because the Bible says that God is a good judge, and He will punish the guilty, not for what they did right, but for what they did wrong. Because He loves us, He sent his son, Jesus Christ, to take the punishment that we deserved, and put it on Himself, and that's why He died on the cross. But it only applies, if you accept it. That's why I asked for his forgiveness. I asked Him to save me. And I'm a new man because of Christ. You understand what I'm telling you? Then what's holding you back?"
What a perfect thing to write about this week, this holiest of weeks. It truly is a choice and it truly is something that will make you new again. Recently I explored these very words…”what is holding you back” in part of my journey, my walk with Christ. I have asked for his forgiveness, I have asked him to save me. I feel more at peace, more connected, full of hope and joy but I am not sure I feel new yet. This Sunday our church is having a believers baptism. In the Evangelical Missionary Church of Canada and many other newer churches (and maybe some older ones…Baptists for sure) believe in mature baptism, made as a way to commit yourself to the Lord and done by full immersion just as was done in the bible.
Acts 8:38-39 (NIV)
38 And he gave orders to stop the chariot. Then both Philip and the eunuch went down into the water and Philip baptized him. 39 When they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord suddenly took Philip away, and the eunuch did not see him again, but went on his way rejoicing.
A friend gave me an analogy of sorts to help me understand baptism. She said that if you know that you want to live for Him, then there is nothing stopping you from being baptized. 'Being baptized doesn't mean that you have it all together, or that you will not make mistakes any more; but that, you are choosing to identify with Christ in his death and his resurrection. When you go in the water... you are" dying" to your old self,(meaning trying to run your life on your own); when you come up, you are being raised into a new person, one that wants to follow Christ every day, knowing that we can't do it on our own, but only through the power and help of the Holy Spirit.'
And with that, I know that it is time for me to be, as Nathan said in the movie, new because of Christ…what is holding me back. Nothing…I will make mistakes, I do not have it all together and I do not know all there is to know but what I do know is that I want, very badly, to have God help me each step of the day through my life. I can’t do it on my own, I need the Holy Spirit.
And I can’t wait to give my old self to God, go down in the water and come back up, washed clean and ready to be the new me, the one who follows Christ every day.
What an Easter it will be (providing I get it all together enough to be prepared to do it so soon LOL)
I was going to sign off now but wanted to leave you with one more thing…this amazing song that makes me so emotional to think of all He gave up for me…
Above all powers, above all kings
Above all nature and all created things
Above all wisdom and all the ways of man
You were here before the world began
Above all kingdoms, above all thrones
Above all wonders the world has ever known
Above all wealth and treasures of the earth
There's no way to measure what you're worth
Crucified
Laid behind a stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all
wow…there really is no way to measure what He is worth…He took the fall and thought of me above all. What’s holding you back…..
The greatest amount of change has come in the area of what I consider sin, what I feel sinning is, how God views it and who does it. The answer to the last one…EVERYONE!!! The answer to the first one… a vast number of things that we do each and every day. And when I first began to explore the ‘mistakes and sins’ that we all make I felt so very overwhelmed. I didn’t understand how everyone could sin and still make it to the kingdom of God. So much of what I grew up to believe hinged on ‘being good and doing good’ as a means to get there. It was just kind of an assumed thing. And when I realized that wasn’t how it worked I was overwhelmed with questions. I wish I’d seen this scene, really focused on this message from the character Nathan in Courageous. He gives such a good explanation.
"Let me break it to you this way, you are guilty. Listen, one day you, me, and every one of us are gonna have to stand before God, and he's gonna do what good judges do."
Now if I stopped here I’d be stuck where I was above because I’d be so concerned with what happens every day in our lives that I’d be so very afraid to stand before God. So afraid, in fact, that I figured almost impossible. This scripture confused me.
Luke 13:23-24 NLT)
23 Someone asked him, “Lord, will only a few be saved?”
He replied, 24 “Work hard to enter the narrow door to God’s Kingdom, for many will try to enter but will fail"
I felt it was telling me that very, very few Christians would make it to heaven. And I think that sometimes this is emphasized too much, it is presented too strongly. What I’ve come to realize is that very few people are Christians…thus why Jesus told us to work hard to enter the narrow path…the path less travelled, the path filled with ruts, ravines, mountains and roadblocks. Also the path that so many don’t choose to take or that as you waiver in taking it you will be bombarded with reasons not to, influences so strong it may seem easier to not take that path. It will be hard but having perseverance will enable you to continue on that path. Many people will try to enter…by thinking that attending church once a week, or less often, by giving to charity, offering their help to others, being kind, honest, considerate etc. They believe that is what it takes. But it takes all those things and so much more. God will judge you on your day but he doesn’t require us to be perfect to pass that judgement….
Nathan Hayes: "Ok. Suppose she (your mom) was brutally attacked, and murdered in a parking lot. The guy was caught and put on trial. They guy says hey judge, I've committed this crime, but I've done a lot of good in my life. If the judge let him go free, would you say he was a good judge or a bad judge?" ..."because the Bible says that God is a good judge, and He will punish the guilty, not for what they did right, but for what they did wrong. Because He loves us, He sent his son, Jesus Christ, to take the punishment that we deserved, and put it on Himself, and that's why He died on the cross. But it only applies, if you accept it. That's why I asked for his forgiveness. I asked Him to save me. And I'm a new man because of Christ. You understand what I'm telling you? Then what's holding you back?"
What a perfect thing to write about this week, this holiest of weeks. It truly is a choice and it truly is something that will make you new again. Recently I explored these very words…”what is holding you back” in part of my journey, my walk with Christ. I have asked for his forgiveness, I have asked him to save me. I feel more at peace, more connected, full of hope and joy but I am not sure I feel new yet. This Sunday our church is having a believers baptism. In the Evangelical Missionary Church of Canada and many other newer churches (and maybe some older ones…Baptists for sure) believe in mature baptism, made as a way to commit yourself to the Lord and done by full immersion just as was done in the bible.
Acts 8:38-39 (NIV)
38 And he gave orders to stop the chariot. Then both Philip and the eunuch went down into the water and Philip baptized him. 39 When they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord suddenly took Philip away, and the eunuch did not see him again, but went on his way rejoicing.
A friend gave me an analogy of sorts to help me understand baptism. She said that if you know that you want to live for Him, then there is nothing stopping you from being baptized. 'Being baptized doesn't mean that you have it all together, or that you will not make mistakes any more; but that, you are choosing to identify with Christ in his death and his resurrection. When you go in the water... you are" dying" to your old self,(meaning trying to run your life on your own); when you come up, you are being raised into a new person, one that wants to follow Christ every day, knowing that we can't do it on our own, but only through the power and help of the Holy Spirit.'
And with that, I know that it is time for me to be, as Nathan said in the movie, new because of Christ…what is holding me back. Nothing…I will make mistakes, I do not have it all together and I do not know all there is to know but what I do know is that I want, very badly, to have God help me each step of the day through my life. I can’t do it on my own, I need the Holy Spirit.
And I can’t wait to give my old self to God, go down in the water and come back up, washed clean and ready to be the new me, the one who follows Christ every day.
What an Easter it will be (providing I get it all together enough to be prepared to do it so soon LOL)
I was going to sign off now but wanted to leave you with one more thing…this amazing song that makes me so emotional to think of all He gave up for me…
Above all powers, above all kings
Above all nature and all created things
Above all wisdom and all the ways of man
You were here before the world began
Above all kingdoms, above all thrones
Above all wonders the world has ever known
Above all wealth and treasures of the earth
There's no way to measure what you're worth
Crucified
Laid behind a stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all
wow…there really is no way to measure what He is worth…He took the fall and thought of me above all. What’s holding you back…..
Monday, April 2, 2012
Courageously Grieving
When I first spoke of the movie Courageous I said there were many things covered in it and many things I could relate to in my life. One of the most powerful moments for me came when it was time for Adam Mitchell and his family to say goodbye to their nine year old daughter, killed by a drunk driver. As you can well imagine, it was so very hard to watch and to see the raw emotions shared.
At Emily’s funeral, the pastor says words that brought me to tears… but not tears of pain but tears of hope, of renewed faith…
"At a moment like this, silence seems to be the only emotion that fits. What can we, as mere men say to a grieving shattered heart? We speak today because we have a living hope. Death is no respecter of persons. Death is no respecter of youth. Death is a painful intruder and a pernicious reminder of our human condition. But I stand before you today to declare that we have a living hope and that causes us to rejoice greatly. If your hope today is found in the fact Jesus is no longer entombed... Because He lives, the grieving broken heart has hope, and reason to rejoice."
God’s son died and in his death, we have been given the greatest gift….Hope for the human race, salvation, forgiveness of sins. Because he died and rose again, because he gave his life so we may have ours, because he lives on forever , because of this our grieving hearts do have hope. We can rejoice in the fact that our loved ones who knew and loved Jesus (and all children, so I have been told by many, so has been documented by those who’ve come back from heaven, do) are in heaven awaiting us. We know we will see them again and that is reason to celebrate.
But that celebration is so very hard to embrace. How do you tell your shattered heart that the person you said goodbye to, especially when it is someone who has not lived a long life, who left us way to soon…how do you tell your heart that it is time to celebrate??? Well initially, you don’t. At least most don’t. I didn’t, heck often I still don’t embrace this fully. And finding your way after the shattering…well that is one to the greatest challenges anyone can endure. Knowing how to accept it, learning to live again… it is so painful and so difficult. And it takes great courage to do it.
Adam Mitchell struggled too and I urge you to watch this scene
as he talks to his pastor. I encourage you to read what the pastor said….
"Adam there needs to be a grieving process, and the Lords the one who carries you through it. It takes time. It takes time for healing. I've heard many people say who've lost a loved one, that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same. I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord discover a comfort and an intimacy with God that most people never experience.”
This last line is so powerful to me. I remember in the days, weeks and months…okay years after we lost Cole I knew that I was not the same, would never be the same but I slowly began a relationship with the Lord that I didn’t know was possible. I always believed but when I thought about my son sitting in our heavenly Father’s lap, rocking in a chair with Jesus I just felt such comfort. It still took me so very long though to really come to Christ. It’s funny because people will ask my husband and I how long we’ve been Christians and I just stumble over the answer because it wasn’t like it is for many born again Christians… I didn’t confess my sins and invite Him into my life and start from there. I think He was always there, I always knew I had Him in my life. But I didn’t trust my life to Him, I think I thought I could do it alone, that I was in control. And I guess in a way I was because I fought Him and his will, I celebrated free will, every chance I got. But when Cole was gone and my heart felt broken I began to look at my life and my faith differently. I took in bits at a time of a new faith, a new belief, a new relationship with Jesus. And then as I began to explore things in a new church it became crystal clear to me that I needed, desperately, to grow my relationship with God. I felt myself turn to him like he was a friend and I found great comfort in the intimacy of our relationship. So close has that relationship become that I will very likely be part of a believer’s baptism (full immersion) very soon.
But having this relationship does not mean that the process becomes easy, it doesn’t mean you don’t question, every single day, why this is your life, why you had to lose, why you have to hurt so bad. Adam’s pastor shares that God
“doesn't promise an explanation, but He does promise to walk with us through the pain. And the hard choice for you is whether or not your going to be angry for the time you didn't have..., or grateful for the time that you did have."
And now I am crying…again, for the tenth time after watching this scene and reading these words. Because it is a choice and it is an impossibly hard, at times, choice and it takes such great courage to make that choice to not be angry but to celebrate instead. I dreamed of the things we would have done with our twins, I envisioned all those matching outfits and toys. The dreams of our matching children climbing on a school bus, packing to move to out, graduating from university, standing up as each other’s best friend at their weddings. I had planned so much and now every single thing I planned had been ripped from arms, stolen from my outstretched hands. We were so darned close, the dream was within reach. I was so very angry at times. I just seemed so unfair to not have had those dreams, those memories, that time together with my amazing identical twins. I wanted (ok I did) to scream and throw things. I wanted my life back.
But gradually, over time, I became more peaceful. I found hope in the future, in the reuniting I would have with my son. But it wasn’t until I watched this for the second time that I realized finding that peace and hope was wonderful but it was a peace and hope centered around acceptance of what I had lost. It was never a celebration of joy for what we’d had.
But what an amazing thing we did have. What an absolute blessing from God. Only 3% of all women have twins. Of that 3%, for easy math in my later stats, that’s 30 sets of twins out of 1000 births. Only 15% of all twin pregnancies are identical… 15% of 3%... hmmmm 15% of 30 is 4.5 out of 1000…though other research says that identicals occur as little as 3 out of 1000 births. That is pretty amazing odds, what a blessed miracle. (now just cuz I am doing math… the chances of getting TTTS are 15% of all identicals… only .7 of those 4.5 babies or 7 out of 10 000 births… it’s like winning a lottery…though not one anyone EVER wants to win). I am one of so few women to experience the wonderful shock of finding out your body had performed this amazing miracle and split an egg into to two identical little beings. I will never, ever forget those moments….”I have some news for you Mrs. Tummers…there’s two babies in there!!!”. No one can take that moment from me and no one can take the excitement I felt at telling everyone I saw that I was having twins. I didn’t have a lot of time with Cole but I will cherish each and every memory of that time. Each and every ultrasound, each and every flutter and kick. The quick growth my body experienced, the rapid changes. The plans for my babies…what they would wear, where they would sleep, what Halloween costume I’d dress them in. I woke each and every moment in wonderment of the miracle that was happening. I remember saying to Geoff atleast once a week…’wow, we’re going to have twins…that is so amazing’. I will cherish the memories of my worries and questions and of the places I turned to for support. But most of all I will cherish the memory of seeing him month after month via ultrasound… kicking, waving, sucking his thumb, hitting and kicking his brother. I will cherish those pictures and I will be forever grateful for the time I had with my son.
Grief is a journey and that journey has so many twists and turns along the way. I am so very grateful that I have the Lord to lean on as I take this journey and I am so very grateful for all the memories he allowed me to have of the times before grief became a part of everyday life. Moreoever, I am so very grateful for the courage He has given me to grief publically, to share my heart and soul in hopes that others will find peace, to be able to look back at the whole journey with a smile, a tender heart and great joy.
At Emily’s funeral, the pastor says words that brought me to tears… but not tears of pain but tears of hope, of renewed faith…
"At a moment like this, silence seems to be the only emotion that fits. What can we, as mere men say to a grieving shattered heart? We speak today because we have a living hope. Death is no respecter of persons. Death is no respecter of youth. Death is a painful intruder and a pernicious reminder of our human condition. But I stand before you today to declare that we have a living hope and that causes us to rejoice greatly. If your hope today is found in the fact Jesus is no longer entombed... Because He lives, the grieving broken heart has hope, and reason to rejoice."
God’s son died and in his death, we have been given the greatest gift….Hope for the human race, salvation, forgiveness of sins. Because he died and rose again, because he gave his life so we may have ours, because he lives on forever , because of this our grieving hearts do have hope. We can rejoice in the fact that our loved ones who knew and loved Jesus (and all children, so I have been told by many, so has been documented by those who’ve come back from heaven, do) are in heaven awaiting us. We know we will see them again and that is reason to celebrate.
But that celebration is so very hard to embrace. How do you tell your shattered heart that the person you said goodbye to, especially when it is someone who has not lived a long life, who left us way to soon…how do you tell your heart that it is time to celebrate??? Well initially, you don’t. At least most don’t. I didn’t, heck often I still don’t embrace this fully. And finding your way after the shattering…well that is one to the greatest challenges anyone can endure. Knowing how to accept it, learning to live again… it is so painful and so difficult. And it takes great courage to do it.
Adam Mitchell struggled too and I urge you to watch this scene
as he talks to his pastor. I encourage you to read what the pastor said….
"Adam there needs to be a grieving process, and the Lords the one who carries you through it. It takes time. It takes time for healing. I've heard many people say who've lost a loved one, that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same. I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord discover a comfort and an intimacy with God that most people never experience.”
This last line is so powerful to me. I remember in the days, weeks and months…okay years after we lost Cole I knew that I was not the same, would never be the same but I slowly began a relationship with the Lord that I didn’t know was possible. I always believed but when I thought about my son sitting in our heavenly Father’s lap, rocking in a chair with Jesus I just felt such comfort. It still took me so very long though to really come to Christ. It’s funny because people will ask my husband and I how long we’ve been Christians and I just stumble over the answer because it wasn’t like it is for many born again Christians… I didn’t confess my sins and invite Him into my life and start from there. I think He was always there, I always knew I had Him in my life. But I didn’t trust my life to Him, I think I thought I could do it alone, that I was in control. And I guess in a way I was because I fought Him and his will, I celebrated free will, every chance I got. But when Cole was gone and my heart felt broken I began to look at my life and my faith differently. I took in bits at a time of a new faith, a new belief, a new relationship with Jesus. And then as I began to explore things in a new church it became crystal clear to me that I needed, desperately, to grow my relationship with God. I felt myself turn to him like he was a friend and I found great comfort in the intimacy of our relationship. So close has that relationship become that I will very likely be part of a believer’s baptism (full immersion) very soon.
But having this relationship does not mean that the process becomes easy, it doesn’t mean you don’t question, every single day, why this is your life, why you had to lose, why you have to hurt so bad. Adam’s pastor shares that God
“doesn't promise an explanation, but He does promise to walk with us through the pain. And the hard choice for you is whether or not your going to be angry for the time you didn't have..., or grateful for the time that you did have."
And now I am crying…again, for the tenth time after watching this scene and reading these words. Because it is a choice and it is an impossibly hard, at times, choice and it takes such great courage to make that choice to not be angry but to celebrate instead. I dreamed of the things we would have done with our twins, I envisioned all those matching outfits and toys. The dreams of our matching children climbing on a school bus, packing to move to out, graduating from university, standing up as each other’s best friend at their weddings. I had planned so much and now every single thing I planned had been ripped from arms, stolen from my outstretched hands. We were so darned close, the dream was within reach. I was so very angry at times. I just seemed so unfair to not have had those dreams, those memories, that time together with my amazing identical twins. I wanted (ok I did) to scream and throw things. I wanted my life back.
But gradually, over time, I became more peaceful. I found hope in the future, in the reuniting I would have with my son. But it wasn’t until I watched this for the second time that I realized finding that peace and hope was wonderful but it was a peace and hope centered around acceptance of what I had lost. It was never a celebration of joy for what we’d had.
But what an amazing thing we did have. What an absolute blessing from God. Only 3% of all women have twins. Of that 3%, for easy math in my later stats, that’s 30 sets of twins out of 1000 births. Only 15% of all twin pregnancies are identical… 15% of 3%... hmmmm 15% of 30 is 4.5 out of 1000…though other research says that identicals occur as little as 3 out of 1000 births. That is pretty amazing odds, what a blessed miracle. (now just cuz I am doing math… the chances of getting TTTS are 15% of all identicals… only .7 of those 4.5 babies or 7 out of 10 000 births… it’s like winning a lottery…though not one anyone EVER wants to win). I am one of so few women to experience the wonderful shock of finding out your body had performed this amazing miracle and split an egg into to two identical little beings. I will never, ever forget those moments….”I have some news for you Mrs. Tummers…there’s two babies in there!!!”. No one can take that moment from me and no one can take the excitement I felt at telling everyone I saw that I was having twins. I didn’t have a lot of time with Cole but I will cherish each and every memory of that time. Each and every ultrasound, each and every flutter and kick. The quick growth my body experienced, the rapid changes. The plans for my babies…what they would wear, where they would sleep, what Halloween costume I’d dress them in. I woke each and every moment in wonderment of the miracle that was happening. I remember saying to Geoff atleast once a week…’wow, we’re going to have twins…that is so amazing’. I will cherish the memories of my worries and questions and of the places I turned to for support. But most of all I will cherish the memory of seeing him month after month via ultrasound… kicking, waving, sucking his thumb, hitting and kicking his brother. I will cherish those pictures and I will be forever grateful for the time I had with my son.
Grief is a journey and that journey has so many twists and turns along the way. I am so very grateful that I have the Lord to lean on as I take this journey and I am so very grateful for all the memories he allowed me to have of the times before grief became a part of everyday life. Moreoever, I am so very grateful for the courage He has given me to grief publically, to share my heart and soul in hopes that others will find peace, to be able to look back at the whole journey with a smile, a tender heart and great joy.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Courageous 3.... The Resolution for Women
Ok, I am back. A wonderful break that apparently involved no blogging LOL! The break was wonderful but so very busy. For those who don’t know, the area I live in holds ‘Canada’s Largest Irish Festival’ for St. Patrick’s day and I am involved in the service club that puts it on. Needless to say I am exhausted. Cameron was sick on Thursday night…so sick that we thought he stopped breathing… but maybe I was just so exhausted that I dreamed it. He has pneumonia and a bacterial infection but doesn’t seem to have been slowed by this…I wish I could have a bit of that child’s energy!!!
So anyway, back to my blog posts on the movie Courageous. As I wrote about last time, these men drew up a contract of sorts with the promises they made regarding their role in their family. I would love to see every parent see this movie and every father take on this resolution. And as I said last time, I think it applies so much to women too…there is so much that all parents can take from this resolution.
In my research into this movie I came across a resolution for women too. It was written in response to the movie, as a way to bring women to the table so to speak…to have a way for women to be accountable for their role in a family. Today I want to take a look at it and comment on it.
The Resolution for Women
I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season of life and will maximize my time in it. I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my journey but will love with a spirit of contentment.
I will champion God’s model for womanhood in the face of a post feminist culture. I will teach it to my daughters and encourage its support by my sons.
I will accept and celebrate my uniqueness, and will esteem and encourage the distinctions I admire in others.
I will live as a woman answerable to God and faithfully committed to His Word.
I will seek to devote the best of myself, my time, and my talents to the primary roles the Lord has entrusted to me in this phase of my life.
I will be a woman who is quick to listen and slow to speak. I will care about the concerns of others and esteem them more highly than myself.
I will forgive those who have wronged me and reconcile with those I have wronged.
I will not tolerate evil influences even in the most justifiable form, in myself or my home, but will embrace and encourage a life of purity.
I will be faithful to my husband and honor him in my conduct and conversation in order to bring glory to the name of the Lord. I will aspire to be a suitable partner for him to help him reach his God-given potential.
I will demonstrate to my children how to love God with all their hearts, minds, and strength, and will train them to respect authority and live responsibly.
I will cultivate a peaceful home where everyone can sense God’s presence not only through acts of love and service but also through the pleasant and grateful attitude with which I perform them.
I fully resolve to make today’s decisions with tomorrow’s impact in mind. I will consider my current choices in light of those who will come after me.
Wow…that is a lot to take on. So much of that does not come easily or naturally to me, to most women. We have become a culture of independent women, women who lead the household, who make the decisions, who control the day to day life, do most to all the parenting/discipline, control the finances, speak their mind and not tolerate anyone who disrespects us and maybe I’d go as bold as to say, who questions us.
It is so very hard to realize that this is NOT what God wanted. More than realizing, it is so hard to break the habits that the feminism era has brought to us. Now I am not saying that all the changes that were made were negative. By no means. Nowhere in the bible does it say that husbands can disrespect their wives, control with an iron fist and make each and every decision. What it does say is this….
Ephesians 5:22-33 (NIV)
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Pretty heavy stuff in a way…surely something that would get the feminist more than a bit hot under the collar. But that is because they don’t understand what Paul was really saying. They take it literally, that women are to be submissive. But that isn’t really what Paul’s intent was. Instead he was giving a directive for a voluntary yielding in love on the part of the wife. Nowhere does it say that the husbands are to control their wives. Instead it instructs the wives to take submission into their own hands. This does not deny the husband and wife's essential equality before God, which Paul mentions in Galatians 3:28, where he declares, "There is neither ... male nor female, for all are one in Christ."
Since both men and women share equality before God then why do women need to submit to their husbands? Paul tells us that wives submit to husbands as the head of the household just as Christ is the head of the church. We don’t question that we need to submit to the head of the church and thus by following this teaching, wives are doing this as an act of obedience to the Lord… by submitting to our husbands we are showing reverence for the one they submit to…the Lord.
And this submission doesn’t mean we don’t’ stand up for what we believe in, it doesn’t mean that men are always right, that we have to believe all they say to be true. What it does mean is that ultimately it needs to be the husband who leads the family. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church" (verse 25) does not mean husbands, "Be the head over your wife." Rather Paul tells them to love their wives. Paul says three simple things about this love. The husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church (verses 25-27), as his own body (28-30), and with a passion transcending all other commitments (31-33).
The author of one site I read put Paul’s direction…his urging to the husband to set the tone of spiritual leadership in the home in a way that made it so much clearer...
At the heart of mature masculinity is a sense of benevolent responsibility to lead, provide for, and protect women in ways appropriate to a man's differing relationships."4 A husband needs to assume a certain responsibility for the spiritual growth of his wife. In order to do that, though, husbands must "give themselves" for their wives (verse 25) by laying aside many of their own personal desires and conveniences in order to fulfill a higher and prior call.
Now back to the resolution. There is a lot of pretty ‘big’ stuff in there. I know there are a great many things that I fall short on but then again, all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23(NIV). I know that my views on what is ‘an evil influence’ has greatly changed in the last few months. It’s hard to break old habits, hard not to read and watch things that captivated me before but were an influence that was not one that I need or want in my life. I know that I do not always use my time wisely and in a way that is honoring to the roles that God has for me. I chose my own needs over others at times, I put myself ahead of my husband often and sometimes I put myself ahead of my kids or others in my life…others who God is trying to get me to use my talents to help and to serve. That isn’t to say that God wants us to never have time for ourselves because that is not his attention. The time we have for ourselves can, and should be, used wisely and in a way that further serves the Lord. Taking time for yourself to walk, to meditate, to pray, to think and to find a sense of peace are all ways that we can bring ourselves to a better place where we can be in the role of the woman God calls us to be. Being slow to speak, honouring my husband in my conduct and conversation (especially those about or with him around others…when I am angry or annoyed) and bringing a sense of peace to my home are areas that need an intense amount of focus. I am falling short here and I need to gather myself together and find a way to right my ways.
But all in all I think I am working hard to ‘resolve’ areas in my life so that I am the woman God wants me to be. It’s a resolution that will be an on going project but a project that moves forward.
So anyway, back to my blog posts on the movie Courageous. As I wrote about last time, these men drew up a contract of sorts with the promises they made regarding their role in their family. I would love to see every parent see this movie and every father take on this resolution. And as I said last time, I think it applies so much to women too…there is so much that all parents can take from this resolution.
In my research into this movie I came across a resolution for women too. It was written in response to the movie, as a way to bring women to the table so to speak…to have a way for women to be accountable for their role in a family. Today I want to take a look at it and comment on it.
The Resolution for Women
I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season of life and will maximize my time in it. I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my journey but will love with a spirit of contentment.
I will champion God’s model for womanhood in the face of a post feminist culture. I will teach it to my daughters and encourage its support by my sons.
I will accept and celebrate my uniqueness, and will esteem and encourage the distinctions I admire in others.
I will live as a woman answerable to God and faithfully committed to His Word.
I will seek to devote the best of myself, my time, and my talents to the primary roles the Lord has entrusted to me in this phase of my life.
I will be a woman who is quick to listen and slow to speak. I will care about the concerns of others and esteem them more highly than myself.
I will forgive those who have wronged me and reconcile with those I have wronged.
I will not tolerate evil influences even in the most justifiable form, in myself or my home, but will embrace and encourage a life of purity.
I will be faithful to my husband and honor him in my conduct and conversation in order to bring glory to the name of the Lord. I will aspire to be a suitable partner for him to help him reach his God-given potential.
I will demonstrate to my children how to love God with all their hearts, minds, and strength, and will train them to respect authority and live responsibly.
I will cultivate a peaceful home where everyone can sense God’s presence not only through acts of love and service but also through the pleasant and grateful attitude with which I perform them.
I fully resolve to make today’s decisions with tomorrow’s impact in mind. I will consider my current choices in light of those who will come after me.
Wow…that is a lot to take on. So much of that does not come easily or naturally to me, to most women. We have become a culture of independent women, women who lead the household, who make the decisions, who control the day to day life, do most to all the parenting/discipline, control the finances, speak their mind and not tolerate anyone who disrespects us and maybe I’d go as bold as to say, who questions us.
It is so very hard to realize that this is NOT what God wanted. More than realizing, it is so hard to break the habits that the feminism era has brought to us. Now I am not saying that all the changes that were made were negative. By no means. Nowhere in the bible does it say that husbands can disrespect their wives, control with an iron fist and make each and every decision. What it does say is this….
Ephesians 5:22-33 (NIV)
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Pretty heavy stuff in a way…surely something that would get the feminist more than a bit hot under the collar. But that is because they don’t understand what Paul was really saying. They take it literally, that women are to be submissive. But that isn’t really what Paul’s intent was. Instead he was giving a directive for a voluntary yielding in love on the part of the wife. Nowhere does it say that the husbands are to control their wives. Instead it instructs the wives to take submission into their own hands. This does not deny the husband and wife's essential equality before God, which Paul mentions in Galatians 3:28, where he declares, "There is neither ... male nor female, for all are one in Christ."
Since both men and women share equality before God then why do women need to submit to their husbands? Paul tells us that wives submit to husbands as the head of the household just as Christ is the head of the church. We don’t question that we need to submit to the head of the church and thus by following this teaching, wives are doing this as an act of obedience to the Lord… by submitting to our husbands we are showing reverence for the one they submit to…the Lord.
And this submission doesn’t mean we don’t’ stand up for what we believe in, it doesn’t mean that men are always right, that we have to believe all they say to be true. What it does mean is that ultimately it needs to be the husband who leads the family. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church" (verse 25) does not mean husbands, "Be the head over your wife." Rather Paul tells them to love their wives. Paul says three simple things about this love. The husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church (verses 25-27), as his own body (28-30), and with a passion transcending all other commitments (31-33).
The author of one site I read put Paul’s direction…his urging to the husband to set the tone of spiritual leadership in the home in a way that made it so much clearer...
At the heart of mature masculinity is a sense of benevolent responsibility to lead, provide for, and protect women in ways appropriate to a man's differing relationships."4 A husband needs to assume a certain responsibility for the spiritual growth of his wife. In order to do that, though, husbands must "give themselves" for their wives (verse 25) by laying aside many of their own personal desires and conveniences in order to fulfill a higher and prior call.
Now back to the resolution. There is a lot of pretty ‘big’ stuff in there. I know there are a great many things that I fall short on but then again, all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23(NIV). I know that my views on what is ‘an evil influence’ has greatly changed in the last few months. It’s hard to break old habits, hard not to read and watch things that captivated me before but were an influence that was not one that I need or want in my life. I know that I do not always use my time wisely and in a way that is honoring to the roles that God has for me. I chose my own needs over others at times, I put myself ahead of my husband often and sometimes I put myself ahead of my kids or others in my life…others who God is trying to get me to use my talents to help and to serve. That isn’t to say that God wants us to never have time for ourselves because that is not his attention. The time we have for ourselves can, and should be, used wisely and in a way that further serves the Lord. Taking time for yourself to walk, to meditate, to pray, to think and to find a sense of peace are all ways that we can bring ourselves to a better place where we can be in the role of the woman God calls us to be. Being slow to speak, honouring my husband in my conduct and conversation (especially those about or with him around others…when I am angry or annoyed) and bringing a sense of peace to my home are areas that need an intense amount of focus. I am falling short here and I need to gather myself together and find a way to right my ways.
But all in all I think I am working hard to ‘resolve’ areas in my life so that I am the woman God wants me to be. It’s a resolution that will be an on going project but a project that moves forward.
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